Today I did a poo... In the toilet

I think this will come as no surprise to anyone that knows me but I think my maternal instinct got lost in the post, I have moved house a few times so this could be a highly likely possiblity, and as much as I would like to, I just cant make myself think like someone that does have children. My views on children may not be to everyone’s tastes, so if you are easily offended, I would suggest that you probably stop reading this blog now.

Today was a tough day for parents around the nation as their lovely little leeches started various stages of their schooling. My news feed was overrun by cutey photos of kids in their school get ups and whilst this did make me smile, it also made me feel slightly jealous. Why should they get all the attention, it’s a special day for me as well, its Wednesday the 1^st of Feb and this day only happens once a year. So in light of this I thought I would throw this photo up on the FB, and just quietly with the 21 photo likes, I would say that it’s a pretty successful first day at kindy for me. Thank you all so much for your love and support.

look at my school bag and excited face

My other most favourite child related post on facebook is about the childrens bodily functions ie. “Little Johnny used the potty today for number twos” well high five to little Johnny, I am proud of you for pooing but no one cheers for me when I shit, well actually I lie, there was this one time when I was sitting on the toilet and I heard tremendous applause and cheering. I sat proudly and reflected on the 28.5 years that I had been training for this exact moment. They were cheering for my poo OR the cricket was on, but I am still convinced it was because of my poo. A story my mum always fondly regales is a story from when I was a wee young lass and was just learning to use the big girl toilet, I proudly yelled at the top of my lungs to my sister “I’ve finished, you can come wipe my bum now”. I wonder if it had have happened in the days of facebook would my mum have put it in her Status for her friends to proudly pat her on the back for the delightful offspring that she had created?

I'M FINISHED

Actually now that I think about it maybe I should start posting about my own toileting achievements. I had in the past had a fear of public toileting and could only do twos in the privacy of my own toilet and even that could only be done if my house may was out, but lately I have been learning to go if other people are around. They may only be quick snaps and not relaxing affairs but it’s a start. The other day I even did number twos at work. I was very proud of myself and thought about letting the world of FB know but then I didn’t really think that was socially acceptable, but really what makes my shit any different to that of a small childs? Well other than the quantity and my ability to wipe my own arse of course

I wonder if these proud as poo, I mean punch parents will continue to regale the world with their childrens achievements through their life span “Little Johnnie got Expelled for fighting today. So Proud” or “Little Janey passed out on the front steps tonight, but I opened the door for her to get in and I am so proud of her for not choking on her own vomit” (This is actually a status my dad could post, thanks for letting me in Daddy :D) etc etc. I think I'm going to put in in my living rights that my carer is to update the world on my daily bowel movements, I would like it to read something along the lines of "Today Kerry the crazy cat lady, soiled herself twice but used the toilet once. So proud, fingers crossed for a dry night!!" Because being old is just the same as being young, really the only difference is the height. 

Finally to all the people out there with kids that are now sitting and quietly (or not so quietly) seething at me for my judgemental views on your kid related statuses, I would like to direct you to the first paragraph where I did warn you to stop reading. I dont have children so I dont understand, but trust me I am not judging your choice to have them (just as much as you are not judging my status updates about masturbation?). If I know you and you have kids I probably love them in my own special way, but not enough to have my own (I like the fact that my vagina doesnt resemble a half eaten kebab). I guess I just struggle a bit to get excited that your kid can do something that I can already do better, I got my dad a book for christmas called "Why I am better than your Kids" and maybe you should get it for some insight into me (translated, I am better than your kids) but I will be super excited for you when your kid does something awesome, like eating 35 hot dogs in 5 minutes or going out with a supermodel, but I am sure that other people will love to hear about your childs milestones, I'm just in training to be a crazy cat lady, kids not included.. 

Love and Poop 

Miss K 

P.S I am sorry that this turned into a post about poo, it wasnt totally my intention 

P.P.S If I have kids and I start posting about their pooping this may make me a hypocrite so please direct me back to this post so that I can gain perspective of myself 

P.P.P.S If you do an awesome bowel movement, feel free to share it on Facebook and I will like the fuck out of your post, things this good shouldnt be kept to oneselves and shouldnt be limited to kids under the age of 5.