Monday, 27 February 2012

I know a lot of Cat Ladies that started out like me

It could be the fear of being eternally alone, or the fact that every event I was at over the weekend saw me as being the only person without a rock or without the prospect of a rock, that now brings me here before you admitting that in the ways of finding love, I have pretty much tried it all. Speed dating, trolling the interwebs responding to russian bride wanted adds or picking up randoms in a bar, you name it I have tried it with some what hilarious results.  So here they are, in all their amusing glory 

The most tried and tested method (well some what tested) would have to be the world of internet dating. Now days there are so many different sites on the market that it could be confusing as to where one should go fishing. I have tried a couple in the form of Oasis, EHarmony and recently I gave Zoosk a bit of a bash. For those of you that havent tried internet dating before, here is a brief run down for you. You make a profile to tell the world about yourself, put up some photos (the best ones of you of course that hide all your "special" traits) and wait for the offers to come rolling in. 

My first tryst into the online world was with Oasis Active a good few years ago, it had been a long time since relationships and I was looking for something to give my self esteem a bit of a prop up (while we are being honest and all) and it worked for a while, not meaning to toot my own horn, but toot toot, look at me, I am pretty gorgeous and because of that had to sift through 50 - 100 new requests a day. Sadly most of these request only wanted the sex but it was ok, because they normally asked within the first 5 sentences so I knew what they were all about. I chatted to a few guys, went on a few dates and even had a two month stint with a "boyfriend" whom I had met on line. Because of its free nature though there were a lot of window shoppers that were just looking for the same prop up as I was.

My time with EHarmony and Zoosk were much the same, slow moving and with very few dates, It appears that the people that have to pay may possibly not be interested in me or I am not interested in them. Each stint in the online dating word only ever lasted a few weeks max because I got sick of people constantly asking me to talk to dirty to them. That kind of service doesn't come for free, that's what my 1800.... ummm never mind. I am a big supporter of the online dating world though, a lot of my friends have had great success with it and have met people they were in long term relationships with. In this day and age it is a highy viable way of meeting someone.

Probably the funniest online dating story I have happened mid last year, I had started to chat to this awesome guy and we were getting along online smashingly so decided to catch up for dinner on a Friday night, on driving out to meet him it suddenly struck me that I couldn't actually remember what he looked like. Well never fear, I had a new fan dangled smart phone so I could just log onto the site and look at his photos right? WRONG. When logging in, the page wouldn't scroll over far enough for me to see his photos.  I am at this stage in full on panic, running late and not knowing what to do. So as to not let my date think I had stood him up, I sent him a text to tell him I was running late and then called my best friend to get her to log in from home and send me an mms of one of the photos. BRILLIANT PLAN. Well turns out that wasn't going to work either because her computer wasn't working. In the end I had to wing it, I rocked up to the meeting place 15 minutes late, called my date and thankfully he walked out the front to meet me so crisis averted. We ended up having an amazing dinner and are still friends to this day. 

Another brain wave that I had was to try speed dating. It was always something that I had thought about but one of my friends, Miss Tasmania found a Spreets voucher offering speed dating at a reduced rate. Dating had never been so cheap!! Speed dating allows you to have a series of 7 minute dates with perspective suitors all in the one evening and generally they give you champagne and canap├ęs to keep you lubricated. Our Speeddating was held at a trendy inner city bar and there were 12 suitors (I think), the general idea is the girls sit in the same spot and the boys move around the room when the bell rings. The most important idea to remember when speed dating is to make notes on the people that you meet because its pretty easy to forget who was who. At the end of the night you mark yes or no to if you would like further contact with any of your dates and if they mark the same as you, you will receive their contact details the next day. I ticked yes to 6 people and out of them 5 ticked yes for me (yeah I am that awesome) I only heard from one of the guys (well technically two because I already knew one of them) and that was ok as well. I didnt go into it with any expectations, as I do with all my dating adventures, there is no point getting your hopes up because generally you will be left disappointed. It was a mixed bag of participants from people that were actually there seriously and people that were just using it as a joke to get drunk, needless to say, the second people ruined it for everyone else.

So what do you talk about for 7 minutes? For me personally I don't have any problem with finding strange things to talk about and break the ice. My number one icebreaker question was "If you had a tail, what kind of tail would you have?" the reason that I like this question is because it can give you an insight into the person that you are talking to, it lets you know if they can think outside the box and have a bit of fun with life. I would have a Peacocks tail (tough one hey?) because it would get all the bitches. It may seem like a strange question but it gave me a launch pad for more questions and conversations and it sure as hells beats the general "how old are you, what do you do for a job etc etc". and I am 100% sure that my questions made me stand out to these guys. 

This was my speed dating drawing of tales

I am reading a book at the moment called "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society" its about guys that devote their lives to picking up women. I don't think that I am committed enough to make it my life career choice but I am willing to put in the hard yards until I find that something that complements me. So far that hasn't happened but maybe I just haven't tried all the options... I haven't been on a blind date before, maybe that's what I will try next, so if anyone has any awesome friends that they can see me with drop me a line (I am only being half serious). I know that once you aren't looking for it, it will pop up, but I also think it cant help to give them a nudge in the right direction 

Love and Disasters 

Miss K 

P.S This post was written, not only because its amusing but because at the moment I am feeling like something is missing in my life, it could be a relationship or meaning or it could just be a really good bacon sandwich that is missing. By writing it down it gave me a chance to remind myself that I am looking outside the box and giving myself an opportunity to meet new people and not expecting prince charming to show up on my door step. My biggest pet hate is people that constantly get upset about being single and expect love to just fall into their laps. I have a news flash for these people, unless you put yourself out there, give it some time and have an open mind you will be forever alone. You will not meeting someone by staying in your house all day. Well thats my opinion anyway

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

How full is your glass?

If I had one wish for everyone that I meet it would be that they could all see the Rainbow. I know that I have covered this before but the amount of negativity in society makes my heart hurt. Maybe its just me but I am generally a glass half full kinda girl, sure I have down times (which you can find here) but I try every day to find the positives in life. Things are that much easier to deal with when you have a spring in your step and positivity in your heart. Here are my tips for finding the rainbow 

Most days this is what my insides feel like

Write it Down - I do this and I saw it on my favourite FemBloggers site last night so I know it must be good. Every day write down something that made you happy, feel positive or something that you are thankful for. If you have it written down, when you start going through a sad time you can look back and remember the things that made you feel good. It could be as something as simple as "the great coffee from xxcoffee shop", if that's something that made your day then go for it. Today for me it was being told I interview well, my personality is my proudest achievement so people encouraging me for that was a big boost.

Focus on the Little Things - There can be lots of things in life that can overwhelm us, so take a step back and single out the little things that make it good. A beautiful sunset, a lovely smelling flower, a smile from a stranger, its the little things that make the world go around

Get Outside - Get some air, go for a walk, get active (if even for five minutes). It will help clear your mind, wake you up and the vitamin Ds from the sun will make you feel good 

Breath -  I know we all breath but REALLY breath. In through your nose and out through the mouth. I did a couple of classes of Yoga (turns out I am slightly too disruptive for Yoga, who would have thought) and this was actually one thing that I took away from it. It will help you calm down and give oxygen to your brain and from what I know that's a good thing

This is what I look like when I Yoga

Surround yourself in Happy - Make your surroundings (your room, your desk at work) full of things that give you the tingle inside. For me its photos and quirky things to play with, I look at these things and they remind me of good memories and fun 

Turn it Up - Listen to your favourite happy music LOUD, dance and sing and remember the good times that you associate with the music. Try being sad when you are dancing, I dare you 

Look how happy this little fella is, its cause he is dancing

and for the most controversial tip that I have *gaspppppppppppp*

Get some Lovin -  Lovin releases happy endorphins, gives you self confidence and generally gives you a bit of exercise and all of these things will help you see the rainbow. If you are between partners I am a HUGE advocate of self loving, you know what you like better than anyone else so explore that. Why do you think I am always so happy? 

A friend of mine gave me a book a few years ago called "The Pig of Happiness", its a book about a little pig who finds the best in everyone and everything and eventually over time because he see the positives he becomes the Pig of Happiness and his happiness gets so big that it starts engulfing all the pigs around him until finally even the sheep are smiling. Its a childs book with such a simple concept but its one I think many adults forget. I always have this book on my desk at work and when ever I start to see the negative, I remind myself what the little Pig would think 

My favourite paragraph from the Pig of Happiness goes "From now on I shall stand for everything that is light and beautiful, and true and wonderful. I shall see the best in everyone and the best in everything". The little Pig makes a choice and this is a choice we can all make. Its something to think about atleast 

Love and Oinks 

Miss K 

Here is the Pig of Happiness in Movie form :D amazing

P.S The Hippy House mate and I were talking last night about positivity and some where along the way he has seemingly lost his happy. Today when I was out I decided that making a Happy Board where we can both write on and share our happy was a good idea. So here it is, its on the wall in our kitchen, and every day I am going to write the things that make me smile, hopefully in a few weeks it will be covered in happy smiley bright colours and lovely memories that we can look back on when our spirit isnt as high as it should be.Todays happy came in the form of the Coles employee that was working the self service line, a checkout became available and he said to the guy waiting "Your Checkout awaits sir" and bowed. It made me smile so much so I thanked him for being so happy. 

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Reasons why I'm an adult

I have been seeing the same hair dresser my whole life, she has been there for me since I had to sit on the booster seat and convince me that she wasn't going to cut off my ears (my lovely sister ingrained that idea strongly into my head), through my early child hood where I was a sooky scared little child, into my teenage years where I was fragile and sensitive and finally into my adult years where I turned into the amazing person that you have before you now. She has been through my break ups, heard about my holidays  and is interested in whats going on with my life. Whilst sitting there the other day, I remarked to her that I had recently become an adult because I was starting to do adult things. She told me to not do that, I think possibly she forgets that I am bordering 30 not 3 but its sweet she still sees me like that. So here are the things that I have been doing to show how much of an adult I am 

Wine comes in Glass bottles - I have started to drink wine and not wine from a goon bag or Passion Pop but actual proper wine in a bottle. I also can have a glass of wine because I enjoy it and not because I want to get drunk (Strange concept hey) 

No more Goon of Fortune for me

Olives might actually be delicious - this is a recent enlightenment for me. In my head I thought that I hated olives so I never ate them, but the other night whilst drinking a Truffle Martini (oh yeah thats another thing that made me an adult) they served me olives on the side and so as to not upset the bar tender I ate one, and by golly that firm fleshed little fruit in all its salty goodness was delicious. I think that means my tastes buds grew up 

Adults drink out of fancy glasses

$150 on a dress for work, no worries mate - I am in the process of trying to find myself a new job and have a really important interview coming up, I decided that for this interview I needed to knock them dead so my amazing friend the Style Guru took me shopping in Myer to kit me out. I bought one dress and it cost me $150, this was the single most expensive work out fit that I have ever purchased and I didn't actually feel bad about it. I felt grown up and amazing, clothes are an investment in my career which mean an investment in my future

This is adult Kerry, she is even wearing pearl earrings

Insurance, I'm on to it - and unlike old mate at work saying "On to it isnt getting us paid is it", Insurance actually will. I have health insurance, loan insurance, car insurance and if I had a pet I would probably have that kind of insurance as well. Its nice to know I am covered incase of lifes little emergencies

Maybe I should invest in some Hand Cream next
but the biggest thing that shows I am an adult 

This is me - I know who I am, what I want in life and I don't care what other people think of that. Every experience I have had in life had brought me to this point in time and shaped all that is me. I wear it proudly and proclaim loudly "YO WORLD THIS IS ME, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, SUCK IT!!!"

This is me, and if you dont like it, well Blow Me (bombs blow... gettt it)

It is possible that the list of things that mean I am not an adult is actually a bit longer, but I dont think its about being a child but its about being comfortable with who you are an not taking life too serious. I love playgrounds, sugary substances and kites,  Its what makes life colourful. 

Love and Tax (thats adult as well)

Miss K 

P.S I am proud of my adult achievements and the fact that whilst I am getting old, I still look younger than I am. Thats an adult achievement right? Right

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Things not to say whilst staring down the barrel of a vulva

So it needs to be done, here is another post about my lady garden (for the original garden post please click here), but I think this is an important issue (like really important), so here it is!! Is it ok for your beautician to talk to you whilst she is having a tour through your garden? I personally like my beauty therapists like I like  my strippers, with no personality, no conversation, very little clothes and crying (well actually the beautician can just not talk I'm fine with that the rest of those points are for the strippers). I know that they are trying to relax you by talking to you, but cut the chit chat and get to the business. This doesn't just go for beauticians but also for any people that make me pretty, I don't pay you to talk, so zip it. 

There was an experience during the week which has reinstated my firm belief that no talking is the best option, let me paint the scene for you. It came time for the monthly visit to the waxer to get my Mary sorted, I was on the table, my legs akimbo in my courtesy gstring, she had just put some hot wax near my little man in the boat and as she bent forward to pull it off she asked "So do you have a partner?" Woah lady back that truck up!!!! I stuttered out "no" and then with one giant rip, I was convinced that half my vagina was gone (but really that is a side note) and the burning sensation I was feeling in my pantal region wasn't the only burning I was feeling, somewhere in the depths of my brain was a burning question "what did she mean by that question?" so here are my (and my friends) theories 

1. She was totally hot for me she was asking because she was hitting on me, she saw a beauty in my vagina that rivalled a Rembrandt and wanted a piece of this all for herself. I always knew deep down that my Garden was a work of art, and she totally confirmed that to me 

2. She was shocked at the unkempt nature of it - I don't know how my pubic hair compares to other ladies pubic hair (as I only look at the hairless ones of strippers and porn stars) so it could be highly possible that I have the Amazon inside my knickers after 4 weeks, she may have possibly been so aghast at the fact of this that she was querying as to what kind of man was man enough to take on a jungle quest for the holy grail

3. She was wondering how many cats I had -  she could have seen the cobwebs that were gracing the halls and was pondering why this was so.Surely if I was in a relationship these pipes would have been cleaned on the regular, so by being single I must be one of those crazy cat ladies. I think it was like 40 cats or something that she ended on deciding on

4. She was nervous and was trying to make conversation  Turns out the young lass was, well, young. She was only 17 and cant have been on the job for very long, she seemed a bit shy so she was probably just trying to break the ice (I guess that's customary before breaking someones vagina). 

Pretty sure I would prefer this ice breaker... just saying

I am going to go with number 3 as being the correct assessment of the situation, but I guess you can all use this as a choose your own adventure story. I am still firm on my no talking rule, possibly next time I will pretend that I am deaf, then their talking will be falling on deaf ears (oh yeah see what I did there), or I might possibly start asking her awkward questions. There is only one beauty person who is allowed to talk to me and that's my hair dresser, and that's only because I have been going to her for the last 25 years, she has now earned the right to have a personality, so unless you are her, please a bit of shoosh please. 

This man has it going on 

Love and Row Boating 

Miss K 

P.S This can be the monthly Gardening Column, I promise to not do another one until next month (or at all)

Until Next Month....

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Valentines Gay - A Hall Mark Holiday

So the day of love has come and gone and I would like to sadly inform you that it appears that I have failed in my bid to secure myself a husband by the deadline that I had previously set in this post, not only have I failed to secure myself a husband but I have failed in my bid to get a boy anywhere within 5 meters of me. You would think that I would be slightly bummed by this turn of events but sitting her on this day of love, I guess I am really not. I may be single but I have more love in my life than I probably deserve, I have lots of people that love me, even though they know exactly who I am. 

A lot of people complain about being single but in my opinion, they are looking at it from entirely the wrong perspective. Being alone gives you time to figure out who you are and time to explore the person that you would like to be. It gives you time to be thankful for the amazing people that you have in your life and gives you time to spend with these people. Being single allows you to deal with your baggage from past relationships and allows you to go forward into new relationships with all your heart. With an explanation like that, honestly how can anyone complain (and Bunnings has batteries on sale at the moment ladies so that aspect is covered as well)

High Voltage Single Life

I personally love to see loved up couples out in public*, my favourite thing in life is to see other people happy because I guess, I would want them to hope for my happiness as well. Seeing couples in love gives me a solid reminder of what is to come for me, more than what I'm missing out on. I've experienced amazing love before and now just isn't my time and its instead the time for someone else to experience that. Love and the prospect of love makes me smile. 

I will admit though that I am disappointed in the negativity that the Hallmark holidays brews in people, and from what I've seen its not just the single people that are finding a cause to complain. so here is my theory on the complainers

The Singles  the single people that feel unloved and unimportant on Valentines Gay. They get upset that they don't have that special "someone" to shower them in overly expensive gifts of love. They hate everyone that has what they "want" and like to tell the whole world what a crock of shit the whole day is 

The Couples People in relationships (well clearly, hence the couple thing) that go into the day with high expectations of what's to come. They want presents and dinners and declarations of every lasting love, and when the partner falls short of these expectations, the sky is falling and they proclaim to the world that the whole day is a crock of shit 

The Loved Up People whether they are single or in a couple that see the world around them and all the love in it everyday, whether it comes from a partner or from their friends (or the neighbour hood cat that you are trying to chase and force to be your friend). They make a concious effort everyday to show the people they care about how special and loved they are. They proclaim to the world that the day is a crock of shit. 

I have had this happen to me, and it was the most amazing experience so much love for free

One thing that all groups have in common is that they believe that the day is a crock of shit, but unlike the other two the "Loved Up" thinks its a crock because they don't need an excuse to show their love. 

Whilst writing this blog I tried to cast my mind back to romantic events that have happened in my life, and surprisingly it wasn't actually as easy as I thought it would be, and I don't actually think its because my life has been bereft of romantic moments but it was because every moment that I spend with someone special is always filled with a taint of romance (yeah don't worry, even that made me vomit) 

There was one tremendous day when Mr Flat Pack went above and beyond for me. It was coming up to our anniversary and he rung my boss and booked the day off work for me without my knowledge, slipped a diamond watch on my wrist while I was (pretending to be) asleep, made me breakfast in bed, took me on a picnic lunch in the national park and then dinner by the beach so we could walk along the beach at sunset. Never in my life has someone gone to so much trouble for me, I felt like a princess and like I was the only person in his whole world (and I actually think that I may have been) 

I am generally not one for such grand gestures and am as happy with the little things as the big things. One of the nicest memories I have from my last relationship was the "boy" coming to work with a box of six tiny decorated cup cakes for me and all my work mates. He took the time to come up and meet my gushing boss and then slipped out again like nothing had happened. From that day on all my work mates referred to him only as Cupcake (not a very fitting name for someone of his macho calibre), and I still smile about that memory to this day. Something as simple as cupcakes showed me more love than I could imagine. Once again I was the princess and it felt amazing 

These were the cupcakes - something so small meant so much 

Which brings me to my next point, all girls, even the ones like me that act independent and pig headed, want to be treated like a princess. To me being treated like a princess doesn't mean having gifts and money festooned upon me, it means someone who takes the time for the little things. The coffee in the morning for someone who doesn't like to wake up (thanks Army Brat), that extra kiss as you leave the house, a message with a smiley face just because you are thinking about them. If you take care of the little things, the big picture generally completes itself. My desire to be a princess may come from the Mills and Boon I read (yes I admit I read them, don't judge, I read real big girl books as well) and the abundance of RomComs that I enjoy, but I also think it has to do with the fact that I have previously been treated like this and believe that every girl should be. 

So people, I ask you, think about the person that you are, if you are going to say that something is a crock of shit make it for the right reasons. Make every moment count 

Loves and Battery Buying 

Miss K 

P.S Here is a fun little fact for you, Valentines Day originally came about to honour a Christian Martyr called Valentinus. And for those of you that don't know, a martyr is some one who suffers death of persecution for refusing to renounce or accept a belief. Its romantic links only came much much later (after the Romans had removed it from their calendar as a national holiday) so by berating your partner about forgetting the day you are actually showing the true meaning of the day, not the Hallmark meaning 

* I would like to put a disclaimer in here, I love watching people being romantic from a far, if people around me have public displays of affection it freaks me out and makes me feel really really uncomfortable. It has nothing to do with jealousy, its just that I don't want to see you rubbing them all over. I think it stems from not being a huggy child. 

Sunday, 12 February 2012

I fink it sndz a lil sumin lyk dis

Whilst travelling home in the taxi last night, the blonde twins from Ikea were sitting in the back texting a guy called Dan (the Girl Twin decided that she that she liked him but was too scared to take his number so the boy twin got the number and started the conversation) the texts were coming thick and fast and the Dan fellow texted "It was lovely to meet you too" and both twins exclaimed as one "HE USED THE RIGHT TOO". It made me think how sad it is that something like that makes us so excited, granted we were all drunk but with the state of the world, someone who can use correct spelling of a word is something to be celebrated 

I am not sure if its just me but if I see someone writing lyk dis (sorry I would love to provide you with more examples but my brain physically can not figure out how to do it) I instantly turn off and lose some respect for them. I know this is possibly a very terrible judgemental thing to do but COME ON!!! you would think that their parents didn't pay for their education for them to forget it the minute they walked off the school grounds. Plus its pretty hard to read and understand and I can imagine it takes some thought to make yourself look like a tool who is incapable of spelling even the simplest of words. 

For a few years now I have been a moderator on a car forum and we get a lot of young kids that pop up and type in leet SMS talk (or what ever it is that you would like to call it) and I feel the need to hit them with a big stick, I did ask once why they did it and they told me that it was quicker and easier, and this thought struck me as odd. Maybe I have been typing for a lot longer than they have but for me to type words incorrectly I have to force my fingers to forget what they already know. It is also comical that when they do it sometimes the "new" spelling of the word has the same amount of characters as the original word, so really how is it quicker if it is the same amount of key strokes? 

And don't even get me started on texting!! I can POSSIBLY understand in the days when a message had a limit of a  124 characters (or what ever the number was) and you couldn't go over the character limit and unlimited caps didn't actually exist, but now days there really is no excuse. You can type that quick and I am sure the person you are texting will appreciate the extra two seconds it takes to get a response if it means they can read your text without dumbing themselves down to your level (well unless they are already at your level, then maybe you should try and be the bigger person because two wrongs don't make a right)

I can understand that some people have difficulty with spelling, I know all about this because as a child I was terrible at spelling, I literally had to write "bed" on everything because I couldn't get my b's and d's around the correct way but I stuck with it, I started to read a lot and over time I got better and now I am actually a pretty good speller and writer (I still cant figure out the difference between brought and bought though), but willing butchering of the English language to look cool just isn't cricket (I think thats why they do it anyway)

If this was the eye test,  I would well and truly fail

It could be possible that I am showing my age and should probably go back to my rocking chair and knitting but I beg you, if you write like the title read, PLEASE STOP!! you are not gangsta, you are not cool and I am sure you are making yourself dumber. Wait until you get to my age and you will need all the brain power you can get so dont push it out of you brain by useless spelling mistakes. Clearly if you are reading this you can actually read the English language, so please start to write it as well, I beg you

Luv and Dis n Dat (Love and this and that) 

Miss K 

P.S Yeah I am a hater and I am fine with that, but I actually value our English Language and I am too lazy to try and learn a "new" one to be able to understand the youth of today, my guess is they don't really have anything important to say anyway 

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Lifes Strange Meetings

It occurred to me last night whilst talking to a close friend of mine Mr Double Fold that possibly I meet people in the strangest of ways, or I leave an odd impression on them. This realisation came to me as he was introducing me to his amazing new Girlfriend and remarked "this is the Kerry, the We Vibe Girl", maybe, I thought, this could be an isolated case of strangeness so I cast my mind back to meetings of various people and it dawned on me, I am that strange person that may make people scratch their head in confusion about what just happened to them. 

Any of my friends will tell you that I have a terrible habit of just "disappearing" when we are out at social events, I put it down to having a short attention span and being attracted to shiny sparkly things, on one of these social occasions I had done my normal disappearing act and set off in search of a lawn bowls green (I had been told there was one), whilst walking through the crowd I accidentally ran into someone, so I apologised and went to move on my way but managed to step on him again!!!! I stopped and put my hand out to him with the explanation "Hi, my name is Kerry and I am a retard" he introduced himself and whilst still holding my hand he asked me what I did and told me to give him a good story. I turned into Kerry the air hostess and he became Punk the pilot and we talked for hours about everything under the sun. 

Off we Go, looking for a bowling Green

The story with Mr Punk didn't actually end there, I some how managed to top myself and get two "awesome" meetings done in one night, as the night was drawing to a close and my friends had long disappeared he asked me if I would like to go to another bar with him and his mates, I had nothing else going on and had lost all my friends so I didn't see the harm in saying yes. We left the pub and as we were travelling down the escalators his friend (who I later found out was his boss) turned around and exclaimed that he needed to change his shirt and my filter malfunctioned and I blurted out "It doesn't matter if you change your shirt, you are still gonna be a ranga" well it turns out that was probably not the best thing I have ever said to someone's boss (it was actually pretty hilarious) The boss stormed off and proceeded to take my new friend with him. I stood on the side walk and laughed hysterically. I did actually run into them further down the road and on walking into the convenience store they were in, despite loud protestations from the boss, I gave my number to Mr Punk. What makes this story even funnier to me is that I ran into them again further down the road and his boss extended his hand, introduced himself and asked how my night had been, clearly his attention span is shorter than mine.

I am a bit of a Hip Hop fanatic and I am not ashamed to admit it, on one fated evening watching a show at the Rosie a tall good looking lad proceeded to come up to me and tell me that I was wearing his shirt (was rocking the flannel) and the went on to spill beer on my high tops, this is like cardinal rule number 1, stay offa my blue suede shoes (these were actually black suede but Elvis didn't sing about that now did he) and I gave this guy a bit of a rev up about it and went on my way. Later in the evening he came up to me with a pen and asked me to sign his shirt (it has been signed by all of the Oz Hip Hop crew) and I looked at him slightly incredulously, he wanted ME to sign his shirt, I laughed and tried to shrug him off but it didn't work so I took his pen and put my Graff Signature (its a crane) very small in the corner. He then proceeded to ask for my number and I wrote it in permanent marker up his arm and surprisingly he actually texted me, the funny thing about this story is he had managed to save me in his phone as "Mel - awesome hip hop girl" so looks like I get to be the alias now. I still see him at every Hip Hop gig I go to, he is a die hard like me so its nice to have people like that to bump into.  

I have further proof to the fact that confidence is key when getting what you want, this is the story of how I met Miss Heap (she is a Geo Rock Licker, but if I call her rock licker kinda makes her sound like a lesbian and she isn't at all) and her merry band of men. My friends and I were on a wine tour of the Swan Valley and the bus was FULL of people, I spied some seats down the back and being the rebel that I am marched down to the back of the bus and said to the seat occupants "Me and my friends are going to sit here" whilst pointing at the small room left on the seat, in stunned awe Miss Heap shuffled along the seat and we sat down. We all started chatting and ended up spending the rest of the day with Miss Heap and her friends and we still catch up for beers every now and again. See bullying can pay off

Hey You, I'm sitting here

And finally we get to the story of meeting Mr Double Fold, aptly named as he was my first real insight into strippers and how to "Tip" them properly, (you know if you double fold the note before you put it in your mouth, they are forced to get closer to you, its nothing but a win situation). Anyway I met Mr DF at a  monthly car cruise, I had recently purchased myself a We Vibe (seriously guys, get your lady friend one of these and bingo....) and I was proclaiming its excellence to a crowd of on lookers (I dont know how we got on this conversation and I am 32.7% sure that it wasnt me that steered the conversation in that direction) and we were all chatting away and I was explaining how it worked when I hear a not so small voice from the back of the crowd proclaim "What about Squirters, does it come with a splash guard?" or something along those general lines (he was even doing actions) ... I was taken a back, I had finally found someone with a broken filter. I think we high fived and it was the birth of a beautiful friendship and happily both our filters are still broken 

This was the night of the double fold, I also learnt another valuable lesson that night - do not try to apply makeup whilst drunk... doesn't work out so well for you 

As part of my research I threw a post up on facebook asking people what their first memory of me was, and the answers were, well, varied... depending on when people met me, the view that I gave off was extremely different. Probably the one that made me giggle the most was a friend from school who said his first memory was of a "overly conservative wally of a girl" I think this could possibly be the only time in my life that I have been called overly conservative.... it feels interesting. The general consensus is of a loud, crazy, bubbly person who is slightly disruptive and lives off trees (hmm this one confuses me ;) maybe). I would like to think that I haven't changed very much and you would still get that view of me if you met me now, but maybe I just stand in different places to be disruptive. 

Why people say its hard to make friends when you are an adult is totally beyond me, I have found that most people are open to making friends, you just need to make an effort to talk to them. As you can see from above, if I can make friends with talking about vibrators, being insulting, violent and telling lies about being an air hostess, I am pretty sure the rest of you wont have any trouble either. Meeting someone for one night, or being friends with them for a life time is generally irrelevant, at that exact point in your life, you were meant to be with them sharing a moment, so don't limit your life by not allowing that 

Love and Vibrations 

Miss K 

P.S The story of Mr Punk and I is actually pretty entwined and shows how small Perth is, the day I met Miss Heap, I had a photo taken with a Ranga guy because his hair was so bright it shocked me, turned out it was the ranga boss. A friend of mine went out for a beer with one of his friends who remarked on meeting a girl who had just got back from drifting in Japan, so my friend exclaimed to his friend "Is she the peacock girl?", turns out my friends mate was Mr Punk. 

See I aint even Lying....

P.P.S When asking for first impressions or how I would be described to peoples friends a mate of mine said this to me, and its the sweetest thing I have heard in a while, he said he described me to a mate once as "she is tough to put in a certain box, best way to describe her is a technicolour rainbow in a black and grey world". It makes me happy to depth of my stomach to know that I can bring colour to peoples worlds 

N,B He said he might like to trade mark that phrase so if you are out and a guy says this to you, act surprised and probably buy him a drink because he is a pretty awesome young lad.

I think this is me

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

I had a fight with a Black Dog

I have only just come to realise what the phrase "Black Dog" means, I don't know what rock I've been living under , but for those of you like me that didn't know, when someone refers to the Black Dog they may not actually be referring to the real dog in the room and may instead be talking about depression. So here is my story about playing with the black dog. 

If only Depression looked like this 

In mid 2010 the relationship I was in came to an abrupt unseen end and this effected me in a way that I've never been affected before, my whole world seemed to crumble around my feet and my normal coping mechanisms seemed to fail me. I threw myself head long into everything to try and distract myself from the pain that I was feeling in my heart. I took up Japanese, I started Karate, I joined the Gym, I thought that a distraction was what I would need to snap me out of what I was feeling because after all he was just a boy

Next Daniel San? I was all about painting the fence

I tried to fill every minute and I didn't think I had a problem but then the cracks started to appear and I started to get an inclination that something wasn't quiet right. I had stopped eating, was going to the gym for up to three hours every day, I lost 20kg in two months, I couldn't handle being in public and I would sit and watch the phone ring because I was too scared to answer it even if I knew who it was that was calling. I had effectively become a hermit and was going against everything that I ever stood for as a human.  

After trying to deal with it on my own for a while I finally decided to go and see a man about my dog. I made an appointment to see a doctor and I will admit that I was a little bit apprehensive about going to see someone. I guess I was ashamed that I couldnt sort the issues myself, In my head I rationally knew that I was upset for no good reason and was scared that they would think the same thing. I sat in the doctors office and poured my heart out and instead of judging me he told me a story from his own life that reassured me that I was infact not alone. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and was prescribed a mental health plan and some medication to help me out. I went to see the counsellor straight away but was reluctant to start taking the medication. I was still under the impression that I could work this one out on my own 

I wasnt alone... who would have thought

The straw that broke the camels back came on the 8th of August (funny how I remember the date), I had just finished my Japanese lesson and decided to treat myself to some Ramen to help cement my new found knowledge and on walking back to my car I spotted a familiar car out of the corner of my eye and on looking up came face to face with "the" boy and his new girl. My mind went into melt down and I thought my heart was going to explode. The next few days went by in a blur and on the Monday night my mum called me and invited me over for dinner, on pulling into their driveway I got a call from a friend to confirm that my suspicions were correct and the girl who I had seen him with was his new girlfriend. 

I broke down on my parents couch and have never felt so apart in all my life, my (step) Dad came into the room and sat down next to me, put his arm around me and asked if I was ok. Whilst this wouldn't seem like something out of the ordinary for most people, my family isn't big on hugging and lovey dovey bullshit, so for this to be happening I must have been in a state far beyond my comprehension. This simple act convinced me that maybe it was time to admit I couldn't handle what was going on by myself and maybe I needed the helped that I had been prescribed. 

I started the medication and continued the counselling and slowly over time I started to feel better. I was eating again and starting to go out in public more regularly. In November of that year I ventured to Japan by myself and while I was there I discovered myself again, I felt strong and happy and independent again, so I slowly started to step myself off the medication. 

This is me in Japan, feeling happy and whole again

If I am being totally honest my depression wasn't just hard for me but it was also hard for the people around me and I'm not afraid to say that I lost a few friends because of it. I learnt that once people expect you to act a certain way its hard for them to deal with you if you aren't that way any more. I don't hold it against them because they did what was best for them at the time. I tried to deal with the situation by acting like everything was ok, but this just made me look like I was selfish and self centred. I was always talking about myself and what I was doing and what I was achieving because I was trying to fool people into thinking that I was ok, but they saw through it and it just made me come across as an arrogant arsehole. 

Mental health is a very import issue that doesn't get talked about enough in my opinion. One in five Australians will suffer from some form of mental illness in their lives. If you think you could be suffering from depression, I urge you to please get some help. There is nothing to be ashamed of and no one will judge you. You are the only one that can take the first steps in to helping yourself get better. I was extremely lucky with my out come but I know sadly this is not always the case. 

I would like to thank every single one of my friends and family that were there for me during my illness, but I have to make a special mention to the amazing Mike. We had only just met when I got sick and he supported me, never pressured me and he was there for me unconditionally. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't be here without his support. I am forever in debt to him for this. I only hope I can be as supportive to anyone that needs me, as he was to me. 

Love and a Healthy Head 

Miss K 

P.S You are not weak for asking for help and admitting that you may be going through a tough time. You are strong and courageous for being willing to help yourself. 

P.P.S This is one of my favourite bloggers and she sums it up perfectly, this is how I felt and sometimes still feel 

Urthboy is one of my favourite MCs and he has it spot on

Monday, 6 February 2012

I have his eyes... a post for my Dad

I was laying in bed the other night and for some strange reason a thought of candy popped into my head, actually no thats not at all surprising, it was a thought of a special candy that is surprising. When I was a little girl and we used to go on car trips my dad used to buy me these lollies to keep me entertained , they are like the inside bit of the life saver and were musk flavoured. Maybe his theory was if he bought me something with lots of pieces it would keep me entertained without bothering him for a while (pretty sure I was a high maintenance annoying kid). It was a smell or a memory that sent me tumbling down the well into thoughts of my dad. 

This is my parents in 1985, I would have been two years old

My dad passed away when I was 14 from complications of Cirrhosis of the Liver (this is my limited understanding, I have never really asked) and it dawned on me that I have now lived longer without him than I had with him and this was a very sad realisation for me. I tried to cast my mind back to things I remembered about him and I realised that it was getting more difficult with every passing day. I feel sad that not everyone got to meet him and I feel thankful for those that did and get to have these memory along with me. So here are some memories of a man many of you didn't know, but I still think about everyday 

  • He was an amazing Cook, he used to make whole fish in the oven stuffed with onion and tomato and it was amazing. He was a big fan of seafood
  • He used to wear Green Norska deodorant and it had a picture of a water fall on the front of it, I used to love going into the bathroom after his morning shower because it was warm and steamy and it smelt like him 
  • He was always dressed well and he ironed everything - even his jeans (clearly this didn't rub off on me)
  • He loved country and western music and I am sure that he only played Foster and Allan in the car so it would send me and my sister to sleep 
  • He loved Neil Diamond and I can credit him for still knowing all the words all these years later
  • He always had a moustache, once when we were very young he came to pick us up from school and he had had a shave and we didn't recognise him so we walked straight past him 
  • When we lived in Dongara he used to bring us our lunch to school and it was always something amazing. Normally a meat and salad roll and a piece of cake, it was always fresh and always delicious 
  • He had a strange snorting kind of laugh and when he laughed you could see it in his eyes 

  • He could yell VERY loud and if he yelled you stood up and paid attention. He once called for us when we were down the beach from a good couple of hundred meters away and I remember running back so quickly 
  • He was always on my side, when I was younger I was a bit forgetful and may have eaten a certain part of my dinner and couldn't remember doing so and on remarking that I thought someone had eaten my sausages he yelled at the whole bar to try and get them to own up to who did it (but it had been me all along, my bad)
  • He had a great sense of humour, he used to tuck his shirt into his pants and pull them up as high as they would go, brush his bushy eyebrows up and put on a stupid walk when we were in the shops
  • He was very tall and very solid and I always felt safe being near him
  • He used to call me Turkey or Chook, Turkey was pretty fitting because I am a bit of a turkey
  • I have his eyes and sadly his greying hair (thankfully  I missed out on the hairy chest). Looking back at photos today I can see the resemblance clearly

I think I may have been a daddies girl

I wonder how my life would be different if he hadn't have passed away, what would he think of the choices that I have made? No doubt he would hate my car and all my tattoos (though he was tattooed as well so really couldn't say anything) but I know that he would still be proud of me because I don't think I turned out to badly. 

I have been very very very blessed in my life to have an amazing step dad who has loved me and raised me and put up with my shit from when I was a youngen. On my year 12 graduation he pulled me aside and said something along the lines of "If your dad was here now, I know how proud he would be of you" and to this day its still makes me tear up thinking about it. Thank you Johnny for being amazing and looking after me, I may seem ungrateful and be painful sometimes but really it means more to me than what you will probably ever realise. 

Thank you for taking this trip down memory lane with me, the greatest use for your life is to create something this will outlast you and I think I was created just for that reason. May you be resting in peace where ever you are dad, I hope you are proud of me and know how much I love you and miss you. 

RIP Grant William Wasley
06 Dec 1958 - 19 Sept 1997

Love and Faithfulness 

Miss K 

This song was played at his funeral. It was one of his favourites

I got my Love of Kenny from Him