Sunday, 22 November 2015

Dating the Lone Wolf

Disclaimer: I have been overwhelmed by the support that has come my way in the last 24 hours since posting my last blog. It means more to me than you will probably ever know. It was one of the more difficult posts I have written because it was from the heart, it sat for weeks and was rewritten countless times to try and make it read right and to make sure all the anger was gone from it. Because really, who has time for anger? There are two sides to every story and his version of events would be different from mine simply because of our different views in life but in the essence of fairness, I give you this post, I am not sunshine and light, I am difficult to love and nearly impossible to live with so make sure you take that into consideration

Isn't the Internet a wonderful thing? It exposes us to points of view that we would never possibly conceive ourselves. I like to read these articles in an attempt to become more self aware and I don't know why, but recently these articles have been hitting closer to home. Maybe its the full moon or the time of the month, who knows. The other day I read an article on what it was like to date a lone wolf and it cut a little close to the bone. The older I am getting the more I have realised that I maybe don't play well with others and my recent relationship is testimony to this. So what is it like dating someone that is so used to being by themselves, what is it like to date me?

1. I am a contradiction - I want attention, I crave it, I live for it and then when I get it I don't want it anymore. this doesn't mean that I don't want you, it just means that I don't really want you to touch me at the moment.

2. I need time to myself, a lot of time. I have lived alone in the single life for nearly my whole adult existence. I need to learn to adjust and that might take time. The world is really loud and I need the quiet that is me to make sense of that all.

3. Sometimes I need to disappear. I need to turn my facebook off, not answer my phone and go MIA. I will always come back, I promise and I will let you know when I am going but I need to do this for my sanity.

4. I'm not very good at communication and sometimes I forget about pleasantries. I have gotten better over the years but its hard for me to put myself out there when things may not be going the way they should. I need you to keep communicating with me though and give me the time to come back to you.

5. I don't sleep well and I am bad at mornings. I get cranky if I don't sleep and sometimes I fall asleep at odd times. I do like to sleep. Naps are great. Please don't be offended if I like to sleep in my bed without you. I still care about you but I need that time to refresh.

6. I deal with issues by shutting off. This goes hand in hand with 3 and 4. I will come back but I need to sort out my thoughts before I do that. I am not a bull at a gate anymore, I have to take the time to think about things.

7. I get scared often and I struggle with intimacy. I am hard to be around and you might find it difficult to touch me sometimes without me freaking out. I know that you wont hurt me but my head sometimes goes a little bit haywire. I ask for patience.

8. I come with a past that effects everything I do. I have low self esteem and doubt my worth constantly and I think that you are probably going to leave me any day now, just like everyone else. Again, I am trying to make this go away. After all, you are a fresh future and you could be the one that makes it all right.

9. I am highly stressed and I feel things deeply. If some thing is wrong with my friends I will feel for them, If I have had a bad day, I am going to feel that too and what to speak to you about it. I don't need you to try and fix it, I just need you to listen and be supportive. I will do the same for you.

10. I want things to be on my terms. I am stubborn and hot headed and opinionated. I will compromise but I need you to know all the facts on how I am feeling. So many times in the past I have let the guy pick the speed of the relationship and while I have been reeling and freaking out because its all going too fast, he pushed ahead only to change his mind a few months in. I don't want to do that again. I have all the time in the world and I am in no rush. 

Look, I realise that this probably alienates me from many future suitors but I am nothing if not honest so here I am, warts and all. I am worth the effort though, I have these moments of grand brilliance which make up for those other weird things that you get along the way. Well I hope anyway. In return for the above you will get someone that is loyal, playful, hilarious, who will want to look after you, cook for you, do your washing, make sure you have everything you need. Also I am pretty proficient in the art of car so that has to count as some points on my side right?

I live every day for that moment that is coming in the future where someone I love tells me they love me too, its going to be my fairytale moment. That's exciting. I have always lived by the thought that when its right, it will be right and all those little issues will just disappear. I have felt it before, it may not have been forever then but I believe that my forever is coming. 

Love and Lonewolfing

Miss K

Friday, 20 November 2015

The Shrinking Violet

Relationships are funny things when you actually take the time to think about them, they are a risk and you know what they say, with great risk comes great reward, but what happens when the reward never comes? You open your heart and life and give someone the opportunity to destroy you, hoping that they wont but sadly most of the time, they probably will. For anyone that knows me, or the image that I portray of me, I am strong, I am confident, I take no shit and I stand up for myself.  But something happened to me and it happened so gradually that I didn't even realise it and when I did I was powerless to stop it. I lost my way.

I let myself not be a priority, I was coming second best to everything and I let it happen because I didn't know how to fight it. Relationships are about give and take and I seemed to run out of things to give. I wanted so much to be enough and wanted for him to have everything that he wanted just to make him happy.

I lost my voice - I was scared to say anything for fear of back lash, I convinced myself that my opinions didn't matter and that everything I thought was wrong anyway.I didn't want to have an opinion anymore.

My online presence disappeared - I needed to hide from the world, I was unhappy and ashamed and so I convinced myself that I was nothing and that I didn't want the world to see me... I stopped seeing my friends and stopped being present. People starting asking questions and I just didn't have the answers to give as to where I went. 

My writing stopped - I have found that over the years my ability to write has been driven by the sense of wellness I feel in my mind. Writing has always been something that I have enjoyed and been extremely proud of but I lost my desire and I was worried about the way my writing would be received. For the first time ever I actually cared and started to wonder what the point of writing was, everything that I wrote down was rubbish anyway. 

I thought it was acceptable to be spoken down to - I don't like confrontation so when someone is in my face, I will back down... and when someone starts to walk over you, its very hard to get yourself back on level footing. I think he lost respect for me because I wasn't able to stand up for myself and put up a fight. When we first started talking he said to me "we are going to have some monumental arguments" but sadly I just stopped fighting. 

I made excuses for his behaviour, because he was only like that because of things that I had done. It wasn't his fault, he came with a past and I knew that when I started seeing him. I could see that little bit of his soul that still had some sparkle and was untouched by the world.... I held on to that sparkle.That sparkle was beautiful.

I stopped listening and put up walls, with everyone. I think possibly deep down I knew it wasn't right but instead of failing at something else I just stopped talking to people. People didn't understand, or I didn't want to admit that what they were saying was actually correct.

I took the blame for everything, I was convinced that the reason that my relationship failed was because I am a bad person, I didn't try hard enough, I am not open enough, I don't give enough. All that I could think was that I made this happen. If I was some how better, or different or more of the me that I used to be this wouldn't have happened. WHY couldn't I be more of the person that he needed me to be?

I lost my personality, this giant ball of energy that normally sits inside my chest was gone. I lost my will to want to be anything and meet people. I was quiet and reserved and couldn't look people in the eye. Why would anyone want to be around me? To put it plainly, I felt grey.

I convinced myself that I was nothing - and sadly this is the one that I am finding the hardest to get out of. If I couldn't make someone who I cared about and who said they cared about me see that I was something then maybe its true, I really was nothing.

By changing the person that I was, I did myself and my relationship a great disservice. Everything that he had fallen for to begin with was gone because I had forgotten how to be me. I wish that I had have been stronger, that I hadn't felt so much, that I hadn't pulled away. Sometimes it just doesn't matter how much potential something has, when the death knock has rung, there really is no saving things and the only choice you have is to save yourself. I am now left with a crushed self and no confidence. I'm ashamed that I let it happen to me, me who is confident, and strong willed and doesn't take any shit for anyone. I'm sad that I hid it because with each retreat I put the nail further into my coffin.  The signs were always there, I just chose not to notice them. There were supreme moments of amazing and I miss him daily and my head and my heart are constantly waging a war that really no one can win but time. Next time I will try harder... because that's all I can do.

Love and Self Awareness

Miss K 

P.S And to you sir, I thank you. I thank you for the good times and I especially thank you for the bad. We destroyed each other and I understand that now, we are both worth more than what our relationship let us be. I'm sorry that you feel like it was a waste of time and I sincerely hope that one day you can move past that feeling. 

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Yeah, no idea... the notes of a writer *cough*

Sometimes I like to play this game where I pretend to be a writer. As part of this game I like to write notes and ideas on every scrap of paper and note book that I can find. I have post its and pencils a plenty, I've got Hoozits and note books galore. You want sheets of paper? I got 20, but who cares, no big deal, I WANT MORE (thanks Little Mermaid for the stolen lyrics). I have been sitting here tonight staring at a picture of a sheep and participating in a little bit of writers block, so in an effort to clear this I decided to flick through my notes and notebooks to find some inspiration. I guess you could call what I found inspiration... though now I am not really sure. In amongst these notes, without a word of a lie, these sentences lay... waiting to be created into something, if only I could remember what that was...

Farting in a Lift 

Rock The Caspar - Pop the Tadpole 

Fight Unfairly - Show your boobs 

Prostitutes Don't Take Selfies 

Funniest First Date Experience - a $2 peep show 

Don't make yourself an island, you might forget how to swim 

Will I be one of those lovely old ladies that are put together with blow waves, cardigans and brooches?

I did always use to wonder what Donkey Kong had to do with the impending death of a nation but who am I to question the Genius that is Dexter Holland. 

Just because a beaver has teeth, don't teeth my beaver.

I bought a Blindfold just so I could have sex without a compliment. Don't look at me. 

Do you find the fatter they are, the better they are at Eating?

Girls can and WILL use you for sex, haven't you seen American Pie?

You can nap any time and no one judges you

I hope I am as tattooed as you by the time I am 30 

Making out with a guy then having to see him at the fire drill 

Scissors and Trolley Jacks 

Depth Perception - Like a cats whiskers

Snap Chatting my Vibrator to the wrong Andrew 

Feeling the Bottom of Cups 

If there is a small child in a pram I like to shake their feet

Doing the pants around the ankles shuffle to retrieve paper and hoping that my arse cheeks don't stick together 

Whats a bit of pee between couples 

Straight men have better hair than you

Wristies are awkward

You cant run two engines at once, you are not Cat Dog 

Where did Kale Come from 

Hi, I'm a rock, I will be your pet rock

Please, by all means if you can make sense of any of the above, please let me know, give me some direction and life to these ideas that obviously at one time meant enough for me to write down. Maybe in my next life I will remember to give things titles.... maybe.

Love and Head Scratchings 

Miss K 

P.S Here is the Sheep that I have been staring at all night. The more you look at it, the funnier it gets.

Monday, 2 November 2015

Just Girly Things

Can I get an Amen sisters?

Libra make the best pads, not because of their innovative design or their high absorbency level but because of the little facts that they print on the glue strips. Its like their way of saying "hey, I know your insides are falling out but here, lets make it an education experience". Good Guy Libra pretty much. 

There is no bigger betrayal in life that your favourite bra rebelling and stabbing you in the heart. I expected that from my friends, not from my support garments. What ever did we do to them anyway? Most people would be happy to be touching my boobs all day every day, but Nooooooo not you. So Ungrateful. 

And on the subject of boobs, you will always have a great amazing boob day when no one is around to see (and you have no one to send them to) as a women I get a lot of unsolicited surprise dick pics. I don't want to be a perpetrator myself... and is it odd to message someone and say "Hey, I am having a great boob day today, would you like to see?". Sorry to the one guy that gets my boobs every time I am having a bonza boob day. I know its a difficult task but you oblige graciously. 

Tampons are like odd socks or Alanis Morissette. You'll have ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife or a tampon in this case. It will be with horror that you have to fosic through your hand bag and come up wanting.... which leads me on to my next point.

Nothing equals the levels of bonding that can be formed from having to ask someone for a tampon. Be it a work mate or a random girl in the toilet. You would think after all this time I would be a little bit more prepared. Right? Yeah Wrong. 

Drunk girls in the toilets will be your best friends in the world and the nicest people you ever meet that you will never see again. And that's a very sad sorry fact of life. Shout out to all the toilet line friends I have made over the years. Without you I wouldn't have had a tampon, some fresh lipstick or support in how much guys suck. I hope you are all doing well. 

The one time you think you are going to get laid and you go to extreme lengths to make sure your body is foot loose, fancy free and without a stray hair in place, he wont show up. That's science. But that's cool because your waxer is the coolest person you know and you will be able to share your disappointment with her next time you go. 

Your period will ALWAYS come at the most inopportune time, especially if you have some event on, like your birthday or riding water slides in Bali. I guess it just doesn't want to miss out on the fun, I can understand that. Also ever wondered why the office girl is always a bitch to you? Yep cause its a special event. 

Don't kid yourself, your hair will never look as good as when the hair dresser does it. I swear them bitches are possessed by Voodoo Magic, and I for one am not complaining, it would be cool if they were willing to share it though. 

In life you will waste a lot of your time painting your nails to make them look real pretty only have them chip the minute the across the roads neighbours cat looks in your direction. And it doesn't matter if its cheap or expensive.... because Nail Polish is a Jerk (not Shellac though because like the reasons above, those little Asian nail ladies are the shit)

You will only ever need to fart at the worst time when there are people around, and if you try to walk away discretely they will follow you. Shit guys, I just want to go for my morning excretion without being followed and judged. Is that too much to ask? 

This is the science of having a Vagina. It is neither pleasant nor fair, but thems the breaks for having boobs I guess 

Love and Lady likeness 

Miss K