Friday, 20 November 2015

The Shrinking Violet

Relationships are funny things when you actually take the time to think about them, they are a risk and you know what they say, with great risk comes great reward, but what happens when the reward never comes? You open your heart and life and give someone the opportunity to destroy you, hoping that they wont but sadly most of the time, they probably will. For anyone that knows me, or the image that I portray of me, I am strong, I am confident, I take no shit and I stand up for myself.  But something happened to me and it happened so gradually that I didn't even realise it and when I did I was powerless to stop it. I lost my way.

I let myself not be a priority, I was coming second best to everything and I let it happen because I didn't know how to fight it. Relationships are about give and take and I seemed to run out of things to give. I wanted so much to be enough and wanted for him to have everything that he wanted just to make him happy.

I lost my voice - I was scared to say anything for fear of back lash, I convinced myself that my opinions didn't matter and that everything I thought was wrong anyway.I didn't want to have an opinion anymore.

My online presence disappeared - I needed to hide from the world, I was unhappy and ashamed and so I convinced myself that I was nothing and that I didn't want the world to see me... I stopped seeing my friends and stopped being present. People starting asking questions and I just didn't have the answers to give as to where I went. 

My writing stopped - I have found that over the years my ability to write has been driven by the sense of wellness I feel in my mind. Writing has always been something that I have enjoyed and been extremely proud of but I lost my desire and I was worried about the way my writing would be received. For the first time ever I actually cared and started to wonder what the point of writing was, everything that I wrote down was rubbish anyway. 

I thought it was acceptable to be spoken down to - I don't like confrontation so when someone is in my face, I will back down... and when someone starts to walk over you, its very hard to get yourself back on level footing. I think he lost respect for me because I wasn't able to stand up for myself and put up a fight. When we first started talking he said to me "we are going to have some monumental arguments" but sadly I just stopped fighting. 

I made excuses for his behaviour, because he was only like that because of things that I had done. It wasn't his fault, he came with a past and I knew that when I started seeing him. I could see that little bit of his soul that still had some sparkle and was untouched by the world.... I held on to that sparkle.That sparkle was beautiful.

I stopped listening and put up walls, with everyone. I think possibly deep down I knew it wasn't right but instead of failing at something else I just stopped talking to people. People didn't understand, or I didn't want to admit that what they were saying was actually correct.

I took the blame for everything, I was convinced that the reason that my relationship failed was because I am a bad person, I didn't try hard enough, I am not open enough, I don't give enough. All that I could think was that I made this happen. If I was some how better, or different or more of the me that I used to be this wouldn't have happened. WHY couldn't I be more of the person that he needed me to be?

I lost my personality, this giant ball of energy that normally sits inside my chest was gone. I lost my will to want to be anything and meet people. I was quiet and reserved and couldn't look people in the eye. Why would anyone want to be around me? To put it plainly, I felt grey.

I convinced myself that I was nothing - and sadly this is the one that I am finding the hardest to get out of. If I couldn't make someone who I cared about and who said they cared about me see that I was something then maybe its true, I really was nothing.

By changing the person that I was, I did myself and my relationship a great disservice. Everything that he had fallen for to begin with was gone because I had forgotten how to be me. I wish that I had have been stronger, that I hadn't felt so much, that I hadn't pulled away. Sometimes it just doesn't matter how much potential something has, when the death knock has rung, there really is no saving things and the only choice you have is to save yourself. I am now left with a crushed self and no confidence. I'm ashamed that I let it happen to me, me who is confident, and strong willed and doesn't take any shit for anyone. I'm sad that I hid it because with each retreat I put the nail further into my coffin.  The signs were always there, I just chose not to notice them. There were supreme moments of amazing and I miss him daily and my head and my heart are constantly waging a war that really no one can win but time. Next time I will try harder... because that's all I can do.

Love and Self Awareness

Miss K 

P.S And to you sir, I thank you. I thank you for the good times and I especially thank you for the bad. We destroyed each other and I understand that now, we are both worth more than what our relationship let us be. I'm sorry that you feel like it was a waste of time and I sincerely hope that one day you can move past that feeling. 

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