Saturday, 16 February 2013

Reasons to wife me... or not

So whilst cooking my evening roast lamb dinner, I stood in the kitchen in my high heels and frilly apron and thought to myself "By Golly, I am surprised that someone has not wifed me yet. For I am a darn fine specimen of women". This thought may have been driver by the fact that my ex got married this week whilst I am still swinging in the ether of singledom or the fact that my biological clock is tick tocking its way toward the alarm or simply for the fact that I can not comprehend that no one has wifed me yet because I am fucking amazing. To ease my mind I compiled a list of reasons why I would be amazing wife material and to be balanced also a list of reasons I maybe am not.... I guess I will let you be the judge

Reasons to Wife Me

- I am funny, not like funny perculiar (all the time) but funny haha. Who doesnt want a laugh a day 

- My boobs are still proudly front and centre at 29.5 years old (Disclaimer: I do not know how long this is going to last so you might wanna wife me quick so you can get the best end of the bargain)

- I am proficient in mechanics. I can service, trouble shoot and generally not fuck up a car when I touch it. I can change a tyre and put a new tyre on the rim for that matter and I would probably prefer to do it because getting my hands dirty clears my mind. 

- I can cook, rather well. What ever you like, I can probably make it. In my head I know what goes with what and whats going to hit your spot. 

- I love porn, I am a big fan so if you would like to watch it then you know I am not going to complain. I like to read it as well. Did you know that girls have good imaginations for literature?

- My dad is awesome, he is totally worth wifeing me so you get to hang out with him. He will share his coke, Tim Tams and BBQ shapes with you if you are really nice as well. 

- I am not a jealous person and I am more than happy for you to go off and hang out with your mates, as long as I know where you are I will have enough trust in you to give you general free reign

Reasons to Not Wife Me

- I am funny, sometimes it may be bordering on annoying. I find it funny to poke someone repeatedly until their eyes bulge out of their heads

- My body lets my boobs down and is sadly not that of an 18 year old 

- I am proficient in Mechanics, for most of you I probably know more and really no one wants their wife to know more about vehicular maintenance than you. Maybe its demoralising?

- I am clumsy in the kitchen, there is a high likely hood that your food may come with a bit of extra added ruffage in the form of my skin and blood. 

- I love porn. How big is your download limit? (don't worry its really the only thing I will download, oh and maybe funny cat videos as well)

- My dad is very quick witted and sharp, you will over run if you cant stand your ground (but never in a bad way, but you would need to be quick to wife me anyway so maybe this is a moot point)

- I like space and while I love you, I probably cant spend every minute with you. I am not good at being controlled

Some other things to consider

- I fart, I know you all thought that girls dont do that but I do and I toot triumphantly, loudly and frequently. 

- I am a light sleeper, if you snore I will wake up and probably get cross. Oh and also I kinda get night terrors that wake me up screaming a few times a week. No biggy

- I am pretty tattooed and sometimes parents dont like that. I am successful and educated and sometimes well spoken but the tattoos may make me the girl you dont take home to your mum

So when you add it all up, I wonder what you would get? I would totally wife me 

Love and Aprons 

Miss K

Monday, 4 February 2013

Build your own boy? (like bears but different)

There are these stores that I have seen and you can go there and build your own bear, you can pick the colour of its fur and the colour of its eyes and even how much you stuff it and what kind of clothes it is going to wear. Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could go into a store with a list of characteristics and build yourself the perfect man? Whilst on my morning commute I was admiring a man in his suit and beard and got thinking about the bearded men in my past, and then went on to think about more than their beards. Which parts of all of my exs would I put in to one perfect boyfriend? So here they are 

Ronald McDonald

His Musical Ability - He can play the guitar and I have always wanted to be musical. Bitches love musical, its kinda romantic 

His Co-Ordination and knack at sports - He is a good all rounder, he surfs, he skates, he plays basketball. Pretty much all the important things to have in a boyfriend 

Ikea Flat Packs 

His culinary desires -That boy can cook and he would eat anything so it always made for an adventure when going out to eat 

His Trust - he was never jealous and he wouldn't mind what I did or who I did it with as long as he knew where I was. It was totally a trust thing and it worked

My Blue Eyed Boy

His Eyes - This one was a toss up between him and the green eyed monster but he won out for the simple fact that everything I ever needed to know was located in them. 

His Respect - he didn't belittle me for me knowing what I do, he nurtured that and respected it. He wouldn't let me use power tools but let me have input and would actually listen when I thought something. 

The Army Brat

His Beautiful Skin - he is the most tattooed person I have dated and his skin was always really soft. Soft tattooed skin is awesome. Also tattooed skin against tattooed skin is just a thing of colourful beauty 

His Communication Skills - If he said he was going to call, he would call and sometimes he would call when I wasn't expecting it just because he could. He was good at talking about his feelings and the way things affected him. While I was not so good at it back then its something I really did appreciate 

His Style - Sneaker pimping ain't easy but this boy could do it well. He always dressed well, smelt nice and his shirts always fitted him in just that special way that made me go arghhhh (in a good way)

The Green Eyed Monster

His Beard - I always maintain the only reason I started seeing him was because of his beard (he did shave it off for an interim and we didn't see each other, you do the math). I think my love of beards came from him, its full and soft and a little bit ginger and we all know I have a thing for gingers. 

His  sense of humour - he had the ability to make me laugh, always!!! The stupid things he would say or how he would tell me that everything I liked wasn't a thing. Stupid Banter really. 

Mr Tall Dark and Tanned

His Height - He is probably the tallest guy I have ever dated and this was fantastic. 5 inch heels and I still felt like a dainty little lady 

His Arms - My goodness he is fit and has big strong arms and shoulders that make a girl swoon.... yes I said it Swoon. Its easy to feel safe when those arms wrapped around you

So there you have it, the parts of all the boys that have meant something to me, that when rolled into one would make my "ideal man", add that with an amazing personality and fire in his belly to keep me in line and we would be on a winner.  I would like him to be Tall, tattooed, bearded with big muscles, a highly defined sense of style and smell. He needs to respect me, trust me and make me laugh, enjoy eating everything and be co-ordinated and musical. Totally easy feat.

I am going to take my list now to the boy store, I have $87.39, hopefully I have enough 

Love and Stuffing 

Miss K 

P.S I guess I have always been very lucky, all the guys I have gone out with have treated me like a princess so when it came down to it I couldn't really separate them on that. Its funny how now being a bit older with all these relationships behind me, I look back at the way I was and what I needed at the time and each of those boys provided me with exactly what I needed at that time. I wonder what I will need next?

Saturday, 2 February 2013

... That's a No. That's most definitely a NO!

I have touched on internet dating before but I feel that I need to go over it again. After a recent set back in the department of the heart (probably very much my own fault for reading something into a situation that wasn't there) I decided that I would give Internet Dating another crack. I haven't been having much luck meeting people in the 'Burn and I am not ashamed to admit that I am lonely and longing for a bit of romance. Online dating is a cheap, easy way to browse the library without hurting any of the books feelings (I actually stole this analogy from my amazing boss who met her partner on RSVP two years ago and they are still going strong).

I have been undertaking this round of Online dating since Sunday the 27th of January and so far I have 4 would be suitors, all of which have requested my acceptance and probably about 70 or 80 who I have rejected. As with many things in life, its about a screening process. How do you wittle down those 80 requests judging only by what you read on a screen? I have some hard and fast rules, you can take them if you like. Welcome to the world of "That's a no!!" 

I think you are really hot - On Oasis when you want to contact someone you need to send a reason as to why you would like to contact them. One of them is "I think you are really hot". Look I am flattered but come now, flattery isn't going to get you anywhere. I just think that all you want me for is my looks and clearly I have a brain behind this awesome rack. This  also goes hand in hand with the "You are my dream match", How can you tell that about me for the 10 works and a handful of photos that I have pro-offered the world (all photos that I have decreed I look good in, It could all be a fake)

Height 5'9 - and under, and that's a no. Look I will be the first to admit that I am a heightist, I am relatively tall for a girl and I am attracted to guys that are taller than me. If someone is my height and under I just find it hard to see myself with them. I want a man and men in my head are meant to be taller than the woman. I want to feel like a tiny little fragile thing that needs looking after (even though I am none of these things, sometimes its a nice fantasy to have)

Pictures of Tattoos - Ok this one may come across as very hypocritical from someone who is as tattooed as I am BUT if someone has photos of their tattoos its a no. If you can see them in normal pictures no worries mate but it would be like me putting a picture of just my back up and leaving it as that. My tattoos are just something that I have got, they are in no way something that defines me. I feel like the people that have them as stand alone pictures may be doing it just so people think they are cool. I ain't into no posers yo. 

I like what you have done with your paint work? - As for pretty much the same reason as above, people that have photos of their toys (be they cars, bikes, jetskis what ever) are a no. Good on you for having a car, I am glad that you have hobbies. Is it a status symbol that you can afford a Beamer or a GSXR? Because dude I ride the tram and I am happy with that (Actually that gives me a brilliant Idea, I am going to take a picture of a tram and upload it with the caption "My Pimpin Wheels")

Welcome to the Gun Show - This is Des and this is Troy and together they are... making me sick. Last time I checked I was not in an episode of Jersey Shore and the Gym Tan Laundry rules do not apply here. Being healthy is a good life goal but I am not overly impressed by your muscles (not that I am saying I don't like to look at them, because I probably do but it makes you look like a meat head and I like brains)

No Photo, no deal - If anyone says that they are not vain AT ALL, I would like to vehemently call  bullshit. Look I know I am not the prettiest Gem in the shop BUT I go alright sometimes. Like attracts like and if you don't have physical attraction then a relationship is really over before it begins. I also like to see who I am talking to, I need to plan what kind of children we will make. 

Bad Spelling Grammar and the Etc - I am sure this one comes as no surprise because I have posted it before but bad spelling, text talk and poor grammar annoys me (I am in no ways saying that I am perfect because I know that I am not and I make mistakes but generally I do ok), in my head it may show a lower level of education and I need someone to challenge me mentally. I have also seen a lot of profiles that abuse women, here is an exert from a real profile "Majority of Women on this sight; you're all here because you fail at luring a partner of substance.... Yet you're still guarded...high expectations...judgmental and high Ego." Cause yeah mate that's really going to make me add you when you have so clearly insulted me and said I have a high Ego. Well I do have a high Ego because I am fucking amazing, but you will never know that. 

Have Children - If there is a yes in here anywhere that is a no. I know this isn't really fair on the people that have kids and are trying to make the most of their lives but its just not for me. I have been in a relationship with a guy that had a daughter before and it was hard. There is more at play than just two people and I realise that and admit that I am maybe not strong enough to deal with that. Plus kids kinda freak me out (still)

Brown Bread, Naan - naan thanks. At the risk of coming across racist I am a white bread kinda girl and I am not really ashamed to admit it. I don't know what this is born of but it is an attraction thing, I haven't so far in my life felt the need to ride the sushi train or got me some jungle fever. Its stereotyping I know but its the way that my mind works

Now reading back over all of these things, I am surprised that anyone has managed to get through my web. I am not holding my breath on the success of longevity of me lasting at online before I crack it and give up but for the time being I am going in, all guns a blazing

Love and Selection Criteria

Miss K 

N.B I know that it is actually impossible to judge a person simple by what you read on a screen, but I believe that you do need to put your best foot forward. Whats the point in saying yes to everyone when there are things that you blatantly know aren't things that you dig? I would hazard a guess to say that they are doing the same thing as me. They probably hate 5'9 girls with blue eyes and dark brown hair and that's cool cause I know I am not every ones cup of tea (as delicious as that tea is)  

If I was to meet the "That's a No" people in real life who knows what could happen, I could connect with them instantly and we could have a real future together. But there is a big difference to online and outside so please don't think I am a bad person for my selection criteria. A girl is just doing what a girls got to do.