So whilst cooking my evening roast lamb dinner, I stood in the kitchen in my high heels and frilly apron and thought to myself "By Golly, I am surprised that someone has not wifed me yet. For I am a darn fine specimen of women". This thought may have been driver by the fact that my ex got married this week whilst I am still swinging in the ether of singledom or the fact that my biological clock is tick tocking its way toward the alarm or simply for the fact that I can not comprehend that no one has wifed me yet because I am fucking amazing. To ease my mind I compiled a list of reasons why I would be amazing wife material and to be balanced also a list of reasons I maybe am not.... I guess I will let you be the judge
Reasons to Wife Me
- I am funny, not like funny perculiar (all the time) but funny haha. Who doesnt want a laugh a day
- My boobs are still proudly front and centre at 29.5 years old (Disclaimer: I do not know how long this is going to last so you might wanna wife me quick so you can get the best end of the bargain)
- I am proficient in mechanics. I can service, trouble shoot and generally not fuck up a car when I touch it. I can change a tyre and put a new tyre on the rim for that matter and I would probably prefer to do it because getting my hands dirty clears my mind.
- I can cook, rather well. What ever you like, I can probably make it. In my head I know what goes with what and whats going to hit your spot.
- I love porn, I am a big fan so if you would like to watch it then you know I am not going to complain. I like to read it as well. Did you know that girls have good imaginations for literature?
- My dad is awesome, he is totally worth wifeing me so you get to hang out with him. He will share his coke, Tim Tams and BBQ shapes with you if you are really nice as well.
- I am not a jealous person and I am more than happy for you to go off and hang out with your mates, as long as I know where you are I will have enough trust in you to give you general free reign
Reasons to Not Wife Me
- I am funny, sometimes it may be bordering on annoying. I find it funny to poke someone repeatedly until their eyes bulge out of their heads
- My body lets my boobs down and is sadly not that of an 18 year old
- I am proficient in Mechanics, for most of you I probably know more and really no one wants their wife to know more about vehicular maintenance than you. Maybe its demoralising?
- I am clumsy in the kitchen, there is a high likely hood that your food may come with a bit of extra added ruffage in the form of my skin and blood.
- I love porn. How big is your download limit? (don't worry its really the only thing I will download, oh and maybe funny cat videos as well)
- My dad is very quick witted and sharp, you will over run if you cant stand your ground (but never in a bad way, but you would need to be quick to wife me anyway so maybe this is a moot point)
- I like space and while I love you, I probably cant spend every minute with you. I am not good at being controlled
Some other things to consider
- I fart, I know you all thought that girls dont do that but I do and I toot triumphantly, loudly and frequently.
- I am a light sleeper, if you snore I will wake up and probably get cross. Oh and also I kinda get night terrors that wake me up screaming a few times a week. No biggy
- I am pretty tattooed and sometimes parents dont like that. I am successful and educated and sometimes well spoken but the tattoos may make me the girl you dont take home to your mum
So when you add it all up, I wonder what you would get? I would totally wife me
Love and Aprons