Sunday, 30 September 2012

Bedroom Basics

I remember clearly as a little kid having sleep overs at my cousins house, there were 4 of us and two beds, so as you can imagine we all had to share and top to tail. I also remember very clearly that there was always a fight over who had to sleep with me. Well hah!! to them because now I am an adult EVERYONE wants to sleep with me, but really I don't want to sleep with everyone, or in fact possibly anyone. Sharing a bed (even a big bed) comes with its set of problems, and in the last few weeks I have been reminded of these perils while I have been in Perth and sharing a bed with the boyfriend. It could possibly be just me, but here's what gets me about sharing... 

Snoring and a bit more snoring - when starting to go out with this boy I asked if he snored and he ASSURED me that in fact he didn't and I had nothing to worry about, well turns out he lied. He does snore, and he snores A LOT!!!! I am a light sleeper so this is a slight issue and I am sure he is sick of hearing "Roll over and stop snoring". I used to go out with this guy who once when I asked him to roll over because he was snoring he goes "yep" and just rolled his head to the side, nice try on that one

Blankets -  overrated? - Some people seem to agree with this statement, what is it with sharing a bed but not being able to share the blankets. I guess tug of war was a fun game when we were younger but my dad always told my to share my toys

Yeah I love living on the edge - there is a whole bed and generally it is a pretty big bed. If this is the case why do men feel that they need to lay in that exact spot that you are trying to lay? they say some shit about trying to cuddle or something, what is that even? I move away to have space and they just seem to follow me pushing me further and further towards the edge until I cant move at all... which leads me into my next point

Cuddling Time Limits - I know this one may cause some controversy because it may make me look like a bitch BUT for me there is a defined time limit on cuddling when it comes time to go to sleep. I think about 5 - 10 minutes suffices.  I understand that cuddling is important for bonding and warmth and the like but I like to stretch out when I am sleeping and this is near on impossible when someone its trying to hold you. It just makes me angry and uncomfortable and more likely to kick you in the balls. But there is a clause to this point, if I want to cuddle you then that's ok. I guess I am like a cat, I will give you attention when I want it but all other times keep away from me

The Creepy Snail up my back in the middle of the night - Look we all know that its not actually a snail but that's what it feels like to me. Having the boy roll over and try to spoon you while his little him goes for a wander up my back.... its what I would imagine a snail crawling over me would feel like, all cold and slimey. To combat this, underwear shall always be worn during sleep times 

Morning Breath - we all have it, so that's why I always brush my teeth on my first trip to the toilet in the morning. Its all about a bit of courtesy for your partner. I hate people breathing near me anyway (I like fresh cool air not half warm used air) but its more tolerable if that breath comes with a minty fresh tinge. 

I guess sleeping in the same bed with someone isn't all that bad and if that's all I have to contend with then really I have little to worry about. Sharing a bed is good because it means you have someone else to get up and turn out the light, someone to warm your side of the bed in the absence of an electric blanket and someone to cuddle when you want it. I guess as with everything in life you need to take the good with the bad, after all it is about the biggest picture isn't it?

Love and a 1000 Counts

Miss K 

P.S another bedroom thing that gets me, but not specifically in relation to sharing a bed with someone is the quality of the linen. I am a 1000 count or bust kind of girl and to anyone that says you cant feel the difference I call bullshit. My old house mate had the worst linen, all his sheets were thread bare and his pillow cases had rips in them, If he was to bring me home I would have turned around and walked straight back out. We are adults now, make an investment for your life. I have had my 1000 counts for 6 years, they have gone through countless tattoo staining, hundreds and hundreds of washes, a bit of mischief and a whole heap of sleeping and they are still as good as the day that I got them. They may be a bit more expensive but you get what you pay for. Trust me you will thank me for the suggestion

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Pregnancy Tests - The Youth Stealer and other Musings

There is a moment in every young girls life when they realise that possibly they are not as young as what they used to be and its a large earth crashing moment when this happens. I guess its all part of the journey into adult hood... it had to happen sooner or later

Let me set the scene for you, I had been feeling a bit sick for a while, tried the pass out game on the tram a few times and had just not been feeling the best. On mentioning this to the best friend, she suggested that I might possibly be up the duff, and whilst I knew that for many GIANT reasons this couldn't be the case I needed to make sure, just to tick that one thing off my list. I headed to my local chemist and purchased your standard issue pregnancy test and this is where shit got weird. On passing the change and my bag to me the lady behind the counter hit me with her mega watt smile and said "Good Luck". I stumbled out of the shop with my guilty little package under my arm and I had the words "Good Luck" trampsing through my head.

I wondered why she would be offering me Good Luck, was it good luck to not be pregnant or was she wishing me a belly full of arms and legs? Maybe because I didn't buy a guilt item (the item you buy to take emphasis away from the fact that you are buying something that's a bit iffy ie/ Jelly Beans when you are buying condoms etc) she thought that I was all aboard the baby train. I remember visiting the chemist to buy a pregnancy test when I was younger (maybe about 21) and the lady gave me a look of pity as she handed me my package. Where did the pity look go?  It dawned on me pretty quick that she would have been wishing me luck for the arms and legs as it is pretty common practice for the females of my species to be reproducing at my age, so she had been making the generalisation that I too wanted to go down this path.

So kids hey? well I guess its time to admit that in the last 6 months I did actually entertain the idea of maybe one day having a baby. I was seeing a guy and I thought of what our baby would look like and the thought didn't totally repulse me... does this mean that I am growing up and may one day eventually have one of my own? I have decided that if this is the case though I don't really want one to grow inside me because that kinda freaks me out and I don't want the Alien to come smashing out of my stomach like it does in the those movies, so I instead would like someone to develop technology that would see babies grown outside of the body (ala Matrix style). Some suggested receptacles to anyone reading this would be a Watermelon (they have a food source, its kinda shaped like a uterus and it will come out smelling watermelony good) or your standard issue fish tank, whilst its not as glamorous and nice smelling as a Watermelon it will allow you to see what it looks like before it comes out, no more having to wait for ultra sounds.

I have also decided that if I do have a baby I would like to it to be half Ginger and half Asian, I know you are probably thinking this is a strange mix but two couples I know have both had one of these babies and they are probably the cutest kids I have ever seen. It makes sense to want a cute one, I don't want anyone to be saying its cute to my face and then secretly behind my back laughing about how ugly it is (there is no judging if you do that because even I have looked at some babies and gone "gosh darn that things ugly") and also Asians are known to be smart and good at Violin and I totally want my kid to play Violin. It all makes sense

So now I guess its time to accept the fact that my youth is behind me, its ok to use granny trolleys and wear control top panties and its actually not so bad being older. Gone at the Pity looks and they have been replaced with cheap insurance and that's a win in my book 

Love and Uterus's 

Miss K 

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Tram Etiquette

Public transport is a Melbourne way of life and along with the weather it has been an adjustment that I have needed to make, In Perth I think I could count the number of times in a year that I went on public transport on one hand but here it’s a daily occurrence. I am starting to see the same people on the trams most days and it is with this that it leads me to wonder, why are people so retarded at catching public transport. From the weird to the smelly, to the down right rude, welcome to the wonderful world of riding the tram and here are some suggestions on Tram Etiquette, If everyone follows them the world would be a better place

  • If its busy, watch your bag – I don’t understand to start with why women feel the need to have giant handbags (or for that matter what they put in them) but ladies if you do feel the need to have an over sized bag at least watch where you swing that shit. Trams get pretty packed and the people in the seats don’t appreciate copping a face full of your knock off Prada
  • Personal Hygiene is important, and possibly more so when you are forced to be in the close confines of your fellow humans. As my dad always says, Keep it Simple 1. Brush your teeth, I don’t really wanna get hit by your death breath and 2. Showering – Not just a suggestion, more so a necessity. Have a shower and when you are done why not treat yourself (and your fellow travellers) and throw on some antiperspirant. I have heard that Brut is making a come back (or it should)

  • If you are old, good on you for getting out and seeing the world but how about you keep your old lady perfume to a minimum. The smell of expired Red Door and Rotting Old lady flesh is enough to make any ones stomach turn. And I don’t like to be rude and get up and leave just because you smell so bad (and probably also the fact that there are no other seats and I am too lazy to stand
  • Move away from the doors – there are signs, the tram conductor yelling and you STILL choose to stand inside the doors so no one else can get on. Is your life so important that you cant walk the three extra steps down the train to help your fellow man? I guess being this size can be of a benefit because I just smash my way in anyway… but really I am a lady and I don’t like to do this if I can help it

  • If you choose to eat something delicious smelling on the tram don't be surprised if it suddenly disappears into my mouth because realistically you have no one to blame but yourself. If you do not have enough to share with everyone then that's just selfish and I shall show you the error of your ways 
  • Granny trolleys are the lay of the land in the Burn City, but possibly don't take your Granny Trolley on the peak hour trams cause when you bang that shit into people they are going to be unimpressed

  • Think about what you are saying and possibly keep it PG, your fellow travellers do not wish to hear about you "Eating some girl out on the dance floor" while they are making their morning commute. I shit you not, this was an actual extract from a conversations that I had the joy of hearing (over the top of my head phones) last week. Shit the guy was hot but if he is that much into exhibitionism then he isn't the one for me
  • Don't start fights, and this one can go for all the time just not on trams. Whilst travelling into the city last Friday night three youths started laying into one guy, I am unsure as to what caused it to start but I sure as hell wasn't going to sit around and watch it, so I quickly interjected and body checked some little punk into the side of the tram. This was stupid and putting myself at risk and I probably shouldn't have done it but really they should have never been fighting to start with. If you fight on the tram, I will school you and that's embarrassing for an adult male, so dudes save yourself the humiliation 

  • I'm sorry you are fat, but I didn't make you eat that extra donut, so glaring at me to get up so you can sit down isn't going to make me move, its just going to make you look like an arsehole and further more having your husband yelling at everyone saying "Cant you see she has a weight problem, you should move for her" isn't going to help your case (Sorry if this one came across as insensitive, but I don't like being abused on my morning ride when the sign says give priority seats to the elderly, pregnant or crippled)

So I guess in short, don't be a douche and treat your fellow travellers the way you would like to be treated, we are all Sardines so lets make the most of our time together, for some its the only form of human contact they get (and by some, I actually mean me). Also maybe a smile every now and again wouldn't go astray either.

Love and Commuting 

Miss K

Saturday, 8 September 2012

This Crazy Old World

The world, its full of interesting things and pondering questions and things that make you go hmmmm. Here are a list of things that have always made me question life as we know

Why is Spot smiling, remember how the song goes “Spot, Spot the loveable Spot, he is cute and cuddly and he smile a lot” WTF, dogs cant smile!!! I have lived my whole life as a lie and I only just realised this on Thursday. 29 years, A lie!!!!

 Why do women always make such an effort to see a lady doctor about their lady parts? I can probably guarantee that they have had other men stick less sterile things in there and came out alive so what's the difference? At least this one would wear gloves when he tells you to cough

 Why are  people  childish, I know this is a really broad statement but hang with me for a second. I was recalling to a friend at work this week about some drama surrounding the up coming wedding. There was a falling out between some parties involved and one of the parties publicly declared that if anyone was friends with the person she was fighting with she had no place in her life for them. Gosh, I didn't realise we were still in primary school. I was always of the understanding that people can be friends with who they want. Silly Me

 There is the old adage, there are plenty more fish in the sea, and in knowing this, why do people go back to reeling in the same fish that they don’t like the taste of? If you break up with someone, it is generally for a reason, so trying again 5 or 6 times with that person seems rather pointless yes? Sure I believe people change but fundamentally the person they are underneath will be the same. So why go flogging a dead horse or pulling in a stinky fish because you never know the next fish you may reel in may be the legit rainbow fish….

I used to work at Bucking Beef (a little roast store) and I would constantly be asked to cut all the fat off from someone's meat, I was always more than obliging because I don’t like the fat either, but then they would ask for extra crackle. Hmmm News Flash fatty, crackle is nothing but fat and salt so really you are defeating the purpose of trying to healthy eat

 Love is love, really it as simple as that. Why do people make such a big deal about gay marriage, any person that wants to make that commitment to another should be given the opportunity. Love has no gender and by the stupid peoples logic I shall also be stopped from marriage as well, I have had anal sex and that’s unnatural. Get over yourself children

Welcome to the interesting world of the inside of my head, I hope is made you think 

Love and Wonderings 

Miss K