Tram Etiquette

Public transport is a Melbourne way of life and along with the weather it has been an adjustment that I have needed to make, In Perth I think I could count the number of times in a year that I went on public transport on one hand but here it’s a daily occurrence. I am starting to see the same people on the trams most days and it is with this that it leads me to wonder, why are people so retarded at catching public transport. From the weird to the smelly, to the down right rude, welcome to the wonderful world of riding the tram and here are some suggestions on Tram Etiquette, If everyone follows them the world would be a better place

• If its busy, watch your bag – I don’t understand to start with why women feel the need to have giant handbags (or for that matter what they put in them) but ladies if you do feel the need to have an over sized bag at least watch where you swing that shit. Trams get pretty packed and the people in the seats don’t appreciate copping a face full of your knock off Prada

• Personal Hygiene is important, and possibly more so when you are forced to be in the close confines of your fellow humans. As my dad always says, Keep it Simple 1. Brush your teeth, I don’t really wanna get hit by your death breath and 2. Showering – Not just a suggestion, more so a necessity. Have a shower and when you are done why not treat yourself (and your fellow travellers) and throw on some antiperspirant. I have heard that Brut is making a come back (or it should)

• If you are old, good on you for getting out and seeing the world but how about you keep your old lady perfume to a minimum. The smell of expired Red Door and Rotting Old lady flesh is enough to make any ones stomach turn. And I don’t like to be rude and get up and leave just because you smell so bad (and probably also the fact that there are no other seats and I am too lazy to stand

• Move away from the doors – there are signs, the tram conductor yelling and you STILL choose to stand inside the doors so no one else can get on. Is your life so important that you cant walk the three extra steps down the train to help your fellow man? I guess being this size can be of a benefit because I just smash my way in anyway… but really I am a lady and I don’t like to do this if I can help it

• If you choose to eat something delicious smelling on the tram don't be surprised if it suddenly disappears into my mouth because realistically you have no one to blame but yourself. If you do not have enough to share with everyone then that's just selfish and I shall show you the error of your ways 

• Granny trolleys are the lay of the land in the Burn City, but possibly don't take your Granny Trolley on the peak hour trams cause when you bang that shit into people they are going to be unimpressed

• Think about what you are saying and possibly keep it PG, your fellow travellers do not wish to hear about you "Eating some girl out on the dance floor" while they are making their morning commute. I shit you not, this was an actual extract from a conversations that I had the joy of hearing (over the top of my head phones) last week. Shit the guy was hot but if he is that much into exhibitionism then he isn't the one for me

• Don't start fights, and this one can go for all the time just not on trams. Whilst travelling into the city last Friday night three youths started laying into one guy, I am unsure as to what caused it to start but I sure as hell wasn't going to sit around and watch it, so I quickly interjected and body checked some little punk into the side of the tram. This was stupid and putting myself at risk and I probably shouldn't have done it but really they should have never been fighting to start with. If you fight on the tram, I will school you and that's embarrassing for an adult male, so dudes save yourself the humiliation 

• I'm sorry you are fat, but I didn't make you eat that extra donut, so glaring at me to get up so you can sit down isn't going to make me move, its just going to make you look like an arsehole and further more having your husband yelling at everyone saying "Cant you see she has a weight problem, you should move for her" isn't going to help your case (Sorry if this one came across as insensitive, but I don't like being abused on my morning ride when the sign says give priority seats to the elderly, pregnant or crippled)

So I guess in short, don't be a douche and treat your fellow travellers the way you would like to be treated, we are all Sardines so lets make the most of our time together, for some its the only form of human contact they get (and by some, I actually mean me). Also maybe a smile every now and again wouldn't go astray either.

Love and Commuting 

Miss K