Wednesday 8 February 2012

I had a fight with a Black Dog

I have only just come to realise what the phrase "Black Dog" means, I don't know what rock I've been living under , but for those of you like me that didn't know, when someone refers to the Black Dog they may not actually be referring to the real dog in the room and may instead be talking about depression. So here is my story about playing with the black dog. 


If only Depression looked like this 

In mid 2010 the relationship I was in came to an abrupt unseen end and this effected me in a way that I've never been affected before, my whole world seemed to crumble around my feet and my normal coping mechanisms seemed to fail me. I threw myself head long into everything to try and distract myself from the pain that I was feeling in my heart. I took up Japanese, I started Karate, I joined the Gym, I thought that a distraction was what I would need to snap me out of what I was feeling because after all he was just a boy


Next Daniel San? I was all about painting the fence

I tried to fill every minute and I didn't think I had a problem but then the cracks started to appear and I started to get an inclination that something wasn't quiet right. I had stopped eating, was going to the gym for up to three hours every day, I lost 20kg in two months, I couldn't handle being in public and I would sit and watch the phone ring because I was too scared to answer it even if I knew who it was that was calling. I had effectively become a hermit and was going against everything that I ever stood for as a human.  

After trying to deal with it on my own for a while I finally decided to go and see a man about my dog. I made an appointment to see a doctor and I will admit that I was a little bit apprehensive about going to see someone. I guess I was ashamed that I couldnt sort the issues myself, In my head I rationally knew that I was upset for no good reason and was scared that they would think the same thing. I sat in the doctors office and poured my heart out and instead of judging me he told me a story from his own life that reassured me that I was infact not alone. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and was prescribed a mental health plan and some medication to help me out. I went to see the counsellor straight away but was reluctant to start taking the medication. I was still under the impression that I could work this one out on my own 


I wasnt alone... who would have thought

The straw that broke the camels back came on the 8th of August (funny how I remember the date), I had just finished my Japanese lesson and decided to treat myself to some Ramen to help cement my new found knowledge and on walking back to my car I spotted a familiar car out of the corner of my eye and on looking up came face to face with "the" boy and his new girl. My mind went into melt down and I thought my heart was going to explode. The next few days went by in a blur and on the Monday night my mum called me and invited me over for dinner, on pulling into their driveway I got a call from a friend to confirm that my suspicions were correct and the girl who I had seen him with was his new girlfriend. 

I broke down on my parents couch and have never felt so apart in all my life, my (step) Dad came into the room and sat down next to me, put his arm around me and asked if I was ok. Whilst this wouldn't seem like something out of the ordinary for most people, my family isn't big on hugging and lovey dovey bullshit, so for this to be happening I must have been in a state far beyond my comprehension. This simple act convinced me that maybe it was time to admit I couldn't handle what was going on by myself and maybe I needed the helped that I had been prescribed. 

I started the medication and continued the counselling and slowly over time I started to feel better. I was eating again and starting to go out in public more regularly. In November of that year I ventured to Japan by myself and while I was there I discovered myself again, I felt strong and happy and independent again, so I slowly started to step myself off the medication. 



This is me in Japan, feeling happy and whole again

If I am being totally honest my depression wasn't just hard for me but it was also hard for the people around me and I'm not afraid to say that I lost a few friends because of it. I learnt that once people expect you to act a certain way its hard for them to deal with you if you aren't that way any more. I don't hold it against them because they did what was best for them at the time. I tried to deal with the situation by acting like everything was ok, but this just made me look like I was selfish and self centred. I was always talking about myself and what I was doing and what I was achieving because I was trying to fool people into thinking that I was ok, but they saw through it and it just made me come across as an arrogant arsehole. 

Mental health is a very import issue that doesn't get talked about enough in my opinion. One in five Australians will suffer from some form of mental illness in their lives. If you think you could be suffering from depression, I urge you to please get some help. There is nothing to be ashamed of and no one will judge you. You are the only one that can take the first steps in to helping yourself get better. I was extremely lucky with my out come but I know sadly this is not always the case. 

I would like to thank every single one of my friends and family that were there for me during my illness, but I have to make a special mention to the amazing Mike. We had only just met when I got sick and he supported me, never pressured me and he was there for me unconditionally. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't be here without his support. I am forever in debt to him for this. I only hope I can be as supportive to anyone that needs me, as he was to me. 

Love and a Healthy Head 

Miss K 

P.S You are not weak for asking for help and admitting that you may be going through a tough time. You are strong and courageous for being willing to help yourself. 

P.P.S This is one of my favourite bloggers and she sums it up perfectly, this is how I felt and sometimes still feel 


Urthboy is one of my favourite MCs and he has it spot on



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