Vaginas are Stupid and Confusing

Yes you read that right, I think Vaginas are Stupid and Confusing and retarded and having one has been more hindrance than help for me in my life so far. What has brought on this feeling of discontent? The other night I sat at home in a state of disbelief and near tears for no apparent reason, it was a mixture of running out of things to read, feeling lonely after spending a whole weekend with people and probably a bit of PMS mixed in their somewhere. Honestly who gets upset about these kinds of things. It can only be blamed on the vagina.... there is no other explanation for it. I vote we all become feminists and instead of the burning of the bra we have a ceremonial burning of the vagina. Here are some other bones I have to pick with my vagina 

Vagina Pain - We touched on it briefly above but really emotions are possibly born from the vagina, its why girls cry more than boys. I get upset if I have had a good weekend with friends because then I am by myself again, I get upset if the guy I like doesn't text me back, I get upset if I have to stand up on the tram when I want to sit down and read my book (or look at pictures of half naked people on Tumblr), I get upset if I think more about a situation than what possibly needs to be thought of. Just the other day I cried on the tram whilst reading a book that I have read at least 10 times before. Dear Vagina, why do you pain me so much?

Periods - I'm scared of blood, you make me see my blood every month, that hardly seems like a kind thing to do. I don't have intercourse anyway so what is really the point, I already know that I am not pregnant so you are not a surprise, a celebration or a condolence, you are just a nuisance. I saw a meme about the universe sending you a text saying, congratulations you aren't pregnant, we really should invest in that kind of technology. 

Stigmatises - Because I have vagina and like to engage in sexual acts with men I am at risk of being labelled a slut, how is that a thing? Open your vagina to the world and bad things are bound to come to you, no doubt about it (Well unless you are doing porn, then good things will come to you, all over you). I have been for years trying to change this stigma so make everyone high five me about my sexual contexts, they might be silently thinking that I am a slut but actions do speak louder than words so with each high five its sealing my immortality. 

Difficult to Reach - My vagina is not like one of those guys in the reach toothbrush ads, it is not flip top, I am not a contortionists and I still have all my ribs intact. Taking into account all of these things, it would appear that my G Spot (yes it actually exists) is out of reach to me. Why give me a fun toy to play with and then put it on the top shelf where I cant reach it? I have a friend that has a theory that this is because God is in cohorts with sex shops, he makes it unattainable and forces us all to go out to the market to get a "step ladder" to enable us to reach it. Cunning bloke that guy is. 

Maintaining the Look - I am lucky that I have an amazing waxer who i genuinely think is rad and like to spend time with (even if she is ripping off my vagina in the process) but its annoying how our vaginas are always expected to be in tip top condition. Everyone has bad hair days. Why cant my vagina wear a beanie as well. And while we are on that, having a vagina means that I feel the need to be sexy all the time when there is a chance that I could be getting up to some hanky panky. Lingerie, showering, body lotions, they lot. If I was a boy I would just be able to shower and throw on some cologne and Bingo, I am one sexy beast. Life is less simple with labias.

I guess I cant really complain though, there is really no chance of me sitting on my vagina flaps like there is of a guy sitting on his balls, you cant see when I get awkward boners (did you know that can happen when you go into cold water? well no I didn't either until recently), mostly I call the shots about things with the power of the pussy and mans want of attainment and I can give birth to human shit bags. Also while vagina's may not be attractive, they sure as hell are much better looks than some of the cocks that I have seen. So I guess I should probably hold off burning my vagina, you never know when I might need it. 

Love and Labias 

Miss K 

Dont call your kid "Retard!!" With great power comes great responsibility

As part of my profession I have to sometimes call various retailers to ask them for appropriate information and on one such call the other day I spoke with a lady called Honey, I wasn't sure if my ears had deceived me so I asked her to repeat it again, alas I was correct. After speaking with Honey it got me thinking about people naming their children and the kind of careers that these names could lead their children into. You know where I am going with this one, parents giving their kids stripper names. Do you want your little darling to grow up and have to flash her gash for cash? If you give your kid a name like Madison, Candy, Honey etc etc you may have already signed its fate.... As a parent you have a responsibility. Here are some other things to  think about when naming your little poop bag

Coolness standing - the name you give your child will probably have a giant bearing on its social status. Give them a cool name, Sure your great great grandma was called Mavis and it may have been cool back in her day but if you were to call your kid that these days they would probably be shunned and turned into a social outcast. That's the beauty of having two names, Mavis is a perfectly good middle name, my middle name is Frances, not really cool enough for a first name but adequate for a second name. I think I was named after my uncles or my granddad or something somewhere in history. My parents always used to joke about calling my sister Wesley Winston Wasley if she was a boy, part of me is sad that they didn't because of the hours of torment that she would have had to endure but probably the main part is happy that they didn't because she would have faced a life of being the fat kid that was teased at school. With a name like Wesley Winston you would never be destined to be cool, kinda like that fat Ginger kid, no matter what you do you will not be able to elevate your social status.

This is a Wesley Winston fo sho

Generation Gaps - I understand that you may want to carry on the tradition of the family name but really having two generations of the same name living in the same house can be confusing. You have Michael Senior and Michael Junior and what happens when someone calls on the phone (well it happened back in the day of home phones) and you have to ask which Michael they would like to speak to? I used to live with a girl called Kerri and trust me that shit got confusing. One day I was napping on the back couch when the phone rang, I sleepily answered it and it was my grandma but because I was half awake I had to ask her which Kerri/y she wanted to talk to. Shit just gets confusing. Allow your child to have its own identity and give it its own unique name. And remember again, they have a middle name for a reason.

Repetition - Here is an idea, I have just had a baby, my last name is a generic first name, so why don't we just call our kid that generic name twice. It will mean that they have to do less learning and only learn how to spell one name instead of two. I know for me it was pesky to have to learn to spell Kerry and Wasley. But just think if my name was Carlo Carlo I would only need to learn to spell once and that would free me up for a world of activities, I could do some colouring or play on the monkey bars (do kids still do that these days?). Thanks Parents. Ummm, no, please, stop. Let your small human be original, give them two separate names. Just think about it, James Bond wouldn't have been as cool if his name was James James "Its James, James James" doesn't really have the same ring to it as "Bond, James Bond"

Spelling Debacles – I understand that you want your child to be an original special flower, you want them to stand out and be noticed, but really should that go to spelling their name in a retarded way to make them unique? There is giving your kid an interesting name and then there is just stupidity. I have come across people in the past who have gotten highly offended when you have misspelled their offspring’s names but if they choose to spell it in the abnormal way what can you expect? It would be like me spelling my name Kherrie, while that works, it’s not common so I would not expect anyone to be able to spell it correctly. If you try to do something with a little bit of flair your child would be in for a life of trouble, always having to spell out their names, never being able to get anything on it with their name on it and getting frustrated that everything that is written to them is incorrectly spelt. Think about it, don’t make your child's life more difficult than it has to be.

Nicknames – Do you want your child to have a terrible nickname, is your little bundle of joy a Shazza or a Dazza? When giving them a name, think about the nicknames that that name may lead to. Kids are shits, don’t give them any ammunition.  It reminds me of a Simpsons Episode where Homer and Marge were trying to think of names for Bart, they were running through all the options and thinking of possible nicknames and seemingly missed the Obvious of Fart (it would be a pretty crappy scene if they had have figured it out though so we will let this one slide) … these are things that you need to think of. When I was small my nickname was Wally Wally because my cousin was retarded and couldn’t say  Kerry and I suppose Wally sounds like Wasley… let’s just say it’s not the most ideal nickname. I also sometimes get called Kezza and I hate that, it’s so Bogan which clearly is not reflective on the personality that I have. While you can’t really account for creative kids and unfortunate surnames it is well within your control with their first name is to mitigate the risk.

This goes with that – Sometimes people have unfortunate surnames and sadly most of the time that can’t be changed so in these cases it’s probably most important to give the kid a suitable first name that can overshadow the crap that may come after it. And sometimes they may have a perfectly normal surname but when mixed with something else can spell disaster for the child for example Mike Hunt or Wayne Kerr. I know we all love Rhyming but maybe keep that out of naming as well, no one wants a Kerry Perri or a Glenda Renda (I would totally also call this person Gender Bender and I am not even a child) so maybe keep your rhyming to your mad flows and your sick beats.

It would appear that children’s names are a bit of a mine field, the name that you give them when they are born will be with them for the rest of their lives so make it something awesome. I have a friend who gave her kid the middle name Danger and that’s rad (not that anyone will probably believe that it is his real middle name) so you can be creative but just don’t be an a/hole about it and don’t give your kids another reason to hate you (because they will hate you at some point or other, guaranteed). Remember with great power comes great responsibility, so go forth and multiply but maybe stick to the classics. Remember its all fun and games for you, but they have to live with it forever.

Love and Labels

Miss K

Passion for the Passionate?

Facebook has made me realise that I may be lacking in passion, I have no causes that I am championing and nothing that I would fight to the bitter death for and I am trying to decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I would be that girl at the feminism rally refusing to burn my bra because I personally feel that bras have served me well and should be instead celebrated. There are different types of passions and different types of Champions, here are my thoughts on just that

The Extremist – This is my cause and if you don’t choose to follow it with as much vigour as me I will curse you out and tell you how wrong you are spending your life. Don’t try to give me reasons or information as to why you think differently because I don’t want to know because I know best.

We all know people like this, they get so wrapped up in their own way of thinking that they are unwilling to look outside the square that they have created for themselves. This is a time when having a cause can actually turn you into an arsehole and make people turn away from the cause instead. I know that I will be less likely to read something that is aggressive and I would like to be remembered for the right reasons. Remember Extremist campaigners, you are the face of your “Cause” so maybe think about that next time you have a go at someone that doesn’t believe precisely what you do.

The Quiet Achievers – Here is the information on a subject that I feel passionate about. The End.

I was always told that you get more bears with honey than you do with vinegar and I think this comes into play here. They provide an intelligent argument with all sides of the story covered and they listen when you have questions or objections. People are generally nicer to these Causists because the causists are nicer to them. They are firm in their beliefs and would like people to believe along with them but are ok if they choose not to.

The Bangwagoners – What ever the latest and greatest cause is, I want to get on it to  show the World that I care about something.

Generally the Bandwagons take what ever is fed to them without actually researching it themselves. What springs to mind is Kony and his child soldiers. Every man and his dog jumped on it, posted it all over the facecracks and wanted to do their bit to help. What they didn’t realise is that it wasn’t a new issue and had in fact been going on for years and I think (but please don’t quote me) Kony had already been caught when the uproar was going on. These people want to feel a part of something because if you stand by and do nothing then there must be something wrong with you and you will be judged harshly by your peers. Its easier to be a sheep and follow the heard with the trends than to stand out on your own. I always liked the colour black though so being the black sheep in this case and not joining in wouldn’t be so bad.  

I would like to think that if I was to be a champion I would be the Quiet Achiever type, I have always had the ability to look at things from most angles (even if I don’t like what the other side looks like) so I would hope to think that I am able to present things in a positive friendly note. Now is probably the time to admit that in my past life I was a bit of an extremist when it came to religion and felt that it was my duty to inform everyone that they were going to hell because they didn’t believe in my god. It didn’t really win me any fans and instead made me come up against much opposition and hatred. I had turned into that arsehole that was blindly following my cause without a care. This isn’t a person that I would like to be and now that I am older and a bit more mature I don’t think I would be like that again.

Some causes that I may consider Championing would be the stocking of Spearmint Milk and Polony in Victoria shops, a 4 days working week and a public holiday for my birthday. These things would have a direct effect on me and would be of benefit to all those who are around me. Can you imagine all the Polony sandwiches that would be washed down with Spearmint milk if I had my way? What a glorious world we would live in then.  

Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t agree with child soldiers, of the killing of the sharks or the criminalisation of abortion but as they are not issues that directly affect me they are not at the forefront of my mind. Maybe that makes me selfish but my thinking goes as far as to if I am going to be able to pay my rent and if I am going to have an anxiety attack again when the person sits to close to me on the tram. Maybe one day I will wish that I was more active in my campaigning about what ever issue it is that is affecting me at the time but for now I guess I just don’t have the energy. It may also be the thought that it might all be stuff and nonsense, I understand that one person can make a difference but struggle to see how I could be that person.

So have your causes and champion your passions but maybe take the time to think about the bigger picture, after all you are the face of the thing you are fighting for and what makes the world great is that everyone has different thoughts.

Love and Picketing 

Miss K 

Life and its many disappointments

I was on going on a trip to Japan a few years ago and to keep me out of trouble my close friend Krystal made me up an activity bag. It was full of the normal activity items like colouring books and pencils and puzzle books but what really set this activity pack apart from the rest of the activity packs was the inclusion of a YoYo. Well this YoYo served me well, it travelled Japan safely and securely and came home to entertain me only to meet its maker shortly after my return (I think it was at the hands of the Hippy House mate but I cant be 100% sure on that, lets blame him anyway). I was bitterly disappointed about the demise of my YoYo and decided that I would buy myself a shiney new one to fill the void. I made an executive decision to spend a few dollars extra to get myself one that would last, so I got myself a real flash one, flashing lights and all and on the first Yo down it exploded into a million pieces and scattered all over the floor of the shop. I was left holding the string with a broken heart while my poor YoYo rolled its way to oblivion.  It was one of those moments when you realise that life is full bitter disappointment and a few extra dollars cant save you when life wants to fuck you, here are some other ones.

Its Saturday, its sleep in day, you have nothing to do but lounge around and eat everything that is in sight, but only you cant sleep, you are awake earlier than you would be on a work day. Why have you forsaken me body clock? What did I ever do to you. I am just going to mess you up later when you force me to have an afternoon nap to get over my sleepiness. You really have no one to blame but yourself, so you take the time to think about it while I have kip.

Having a seat next to you on a crowded flight, silently celebrating your good fortune as the Trolley Dolly announces that they are going to be shutting the doors, when out of no where a wild eye passenger comes running across the tarmac and out of all the free seats, sits in that one next to you. I hate being crammed into the middle seat, I need room to breath and space to frequently toilet without having to put my bits in someones face. It is always a toss up whether you put the front or the back in, I am always a bit shy about putting my vagina in any ones face so I tend to put the back in. 

N.B this can sometimes actually work out as a positive, on one flight back from Perth recently I ended up sitting next to this super rad girl who drew me a picture and it turned out that she knew my ex and her story was similar to mine. I have the drawing pinned to my fridge and it always makes me smile when I look at it.   

Popping the plug on your favourite pair of thongs (or a blowout for WA folks). This actually happened to me yesterday, these thongs are coming into their second year and are so thin that I can feel every stone that I walk on BUT they are perfectly formed to my feet and I feel an affinity with them. Ive pushed the plug back through but I know that was the death rattle and it is time to admit to defeat and get some new ones…. But I shall stay resistant until the last….

Getting to the end of a highly anticipated book that you have read all 400 pages in 3 days only to have it not actually end and leaving you to make up your own mind about what is happening and where the characters are going to go. I am looking at you Tim Winton!!!!!! I read so I don’t have to use my brain, don’t ruin that for me or I shall throw your stupid book in disgust, curse you out to facebook and then proceed to buy your next book because this time it might be different (isn’t that the way of all doomed relationships?)

Putting an engine together only to find it wont turn, this one is really a double edged sword I have found. On one rebuild I turned it over by hand and it just wouldn’t move, it was stopped solid. I swore and I ranted and raved and started pulling everything off only to find there was a renegade bolt nicely wedged into one of the teeth on the time belt which was stopping it from moving. Days worth of work undone by one tiny screw (but thank goodness I had turned it by hand and not tried to turn it with the key otherwise all of my work would have gone up in smoke. Literally. As a side note CA timing belts have caused me nothing but trouble. THREE TIMES!!!!)

Needing to fart so badly that you have stomach pains, you aren't sure if its going to be quiet or loud so you cant risk letting it out and you are surrounded by people and then when one person goes, another one shows up. Holding farts in is bad for you, its where bad ideas come from. I always need to fart at the most terrible times, like in lifts or at the waxer or when I am using the toilet at work and there are other people using the cubicles next to me. I don't know why I am so embarrassed by farts, it might be because sometimes even they make my eyes water and I don't want to inflict that on anyone else. 

Having an overwhelming urge to do number twos, like touching cloth spec, one cough and you're done spec which sees you rushing to the toilet and your pants being undone and ready to go before you ever get there. After the subsequent evacuation and feeling of elation knowing that you made it and you didn’t shit yourself, you turn to the side and realise that you are in fact out of toilet paper. We all know this feeling, we have all been there. What happens next is an awkward waddle with your pants down and your arse cheeks as far apart as possible so you don’t spread you defecation any further than you need to, to get some toilet paper, or some tissues, or a rag.. I am thankful that I have always been able to find something and I have learnt to always scan before I destroy the pan.

Getting to the front of the line for something you really want only to have it taken by the person in front of you. This happened to me at the royal Melbourne show (which as a little side FYI, was a pretty big disappointment, it was so small compared to Perth) whilst lining up for the CWA scones, after waiting for 10 minutes we got to the front of the line only to be told they were all out and we would need to wait another 20 minutes. Oh I waited alright but it was shear depressive hell, standing and smelling something so amazing that wasn’t available to me to eat. I taught myself how to make scones after that just as a big FU to the CWA (actually I don’t really mean that CWA, I plan to join your ranks one day, I am a scone expert, I don’t really want to live in the country though, will that be a problem?)

Going to drink the final dregs of your beer only to realise that you have already used it to extinguish your cigarette. I don’t actually smoke so this was one from my peanut gallery but I can see it being an issue. You are drunk but still trying to do your bit for the environment by not dropping your butts on the floor, how convenient, there is an empty bottle in front of you, only its not empty, and without noticing you are about to be in for a world of discomfort (and at least now you know what all us non smokers go through when we kiss you, how do you like licking an ashtray?)

Going home with someone who talks their parts up to the extreme only to find out that they have pulled the proverbial wool over your eyes. I once met a guy that referred to his junk as the titanic, but let me tell you something, he was no Titanic and he surely didn't sink into a wet depth (I always wonder about guys that claim to be all that, either they have been lied to extensively or they watch a lot of Asian porn)   

No one said that life was going to be easy, all we can do is jump the hurdles and try our best to put our disappointments behind us. May your legs be strong, your farts be silent and the next seat always be empty.

Love and Leaps

Miss K

Reasons to Reproduce

I don’t think it is any surprise to anyone that I have a bit of a thing for shoes. Well sneakers to be exact, the brighter the better really. On a recent trip to my local shoe hang out I saw some tiny little mini versions of the shoes that I had recently purchased. They may have possibly been the cutest thing that I had ever seen and these got me thinking that I might like to have a baby. Yes you read that right, I based the decision to want to procreate on a tiny little pair of Jordan 5s (AJ5 Grapes are Balla, in case you didn’t know). This isn’t in itself a solid enough reason to bring something live into the world. Babies are for life and not just for Christmas so its not a decision to be entered into lightly. Here are the other reasons that I have thought of to make it OK to reproduce.

Dress Ups – I loved playing dress ups (and I still secretly do) and everything is so much cuter in miniature, just imagine the costumes that you could get for a small human. I would for certain have the best dressed most coolest costumed child in existence. It would win all the best dressed competitions and bolster its self esteem and I would be winning parenting of the year awards left right and centre.

All the Activities – Have you ever gone to the cinemas and asked for a ticket to a children's movie and had a concern that they are judging you like a paedophile? Sometimes I feel like that and that’s not an ideal way to feel. IF you have a child in tow you can go anywhere that children are accepted without fear of retribution. Think of the possibilities. Children's movies, the Maccas play ground, the kiddy pool, Santas lap. Its not even totally selfish either because the kid gets to go as well.

Toys – When I was small all I wanted for Christmas was a Baby Born, I wanted to love it and feed it and clean up its poos but Santa let me down big time. I never got my Baby Born and I never had the latest in the coolest gadgets. If I had a child I could buy it all the cool gadgets and Baby Borns of the world and when they were sleeping I could play with them. Think of all of the things I could play with. I could build myself a Lego fort and slay all of the dragons. Granted if I had a real baby I probably would lose interest in the baby born (Or maybe if I had have had a baby born I would have more of an interest in babies. Pondering life's difficult questions one day at a time)

Kid Speak – Kids say some pretty hilarious things, their little minds wander off in directions that you and I can only dream about. I like to think that I am pretty funny and I know that my mind wanders off in strange directions all the time so think of the possibilities when these two great minds combine. It would be like the unmovable object meeting the unstoppable force. It would be the next Hamish and Andy or the Golden Girls or Tom and Jerry.

  

Pay it forward – Having a child of my own would give me a chance to damage my children like my parents did to me. Nothing serious mind you, just little things like making them wear ice cream containers on their heads so the magpies don’t get them and making them wear skivvys so everyone thinks that they don’t actually have necks.  My uncle used to torment us as children so it only went without saying that when he had children of his own we tormented them as well. In my head I can see crazy old Rafiki standing on Pride Rock holding Simba up to the sky while Elton John croons in the background because really it is all the Circle of Life. Naaa sharenya ammamibioo (or how ever that song goes)

Dimensions – Lets be honest, I am always after new and interesting things to write about in my blog and you can only imagine the things that having a kid would enable me to write about. Pooping, the things that they swallow, the interesting things that they say, the inappropriate times they take their clothes off (I am just going on things that I know I did as a child and probably still do as an adult). Also when children do these things people gush about how cute and sweet they are but I am pretty sure that if I was to lift up my dress and walk through Coles people would have some choice words to say.

Slave Labour – Its par to the course, I have expelled them from my body, fed them, clothed them, entertained them and probably slightly damaged them by making them wear ice cream containers on their heads so it is only appropriated that when they are able they start giving back to me. This might mean doing the dishes, cleaning up the dogs poop or the rotten fruit, washing me with a rag on a stick when I am too large to wash myself and finally looking after me in my old age when I am wiping faeces on the walls of their house. It might be slave labour but the conditions are better.

Cruising for Dates – This one is obviously only if I happen to be a single parent and it might not even work because I am not a dude. I know as a virile female with a ticking biological clock, when I see a guy that’s good with children my womb reacts strongly and I want to “something” (undetermined) him. People are more likely to speak to you if you have a child in tow doing cute things. All I need is for my child to do cute things and BINGO I am back in the game.

But really all of these things are fantastic and great reasons to have children but there are other things to think about. The other day I saw a lady walking down the street with a pug dog in a pram, but only it wasn't a pug dog, it was a baby. What happens if I have a baby that looks like a pug dog with its googly eyes all poking out everywhere all over the shop? no one will tell you that you have an ugly baby and you will of course think that you little baby/pug is the cutest thing that was ever put on the face of the planet. I don't know if I can agree to getting that disillusion. 

Or the fact that its all well and good getting it in there but you do realise that it has to come out again? I am rather fond of my tightly packed kebab and the idea that some parasite (my new boss used that term not me) is growing inside me is enough to send me scampering into the corner and cowering with fear. Also sometimes when you are pushing out the baby you also can push out a poop and we all know my feelings on pooping in public. 

It appears that there is just to much to think about in the quest to reproduction and world domination with my army of minions. I might need to sleep on this one for a little bit longer. 

Love and Lifetimes

Miss K

Rules of Engagement

There is a moment in every ones adult life that changes them, it changes the way that they move and the way that they think and the way that they engage with other people. For me this was a day a few years ago back in 2011 at a large hip hop gigs when I realised that my life was probably a bit out of control. From this night a set of rules were introduced for the safety of the people around me (and maybe for myself as well). I was reminded of these rules last night whilst being serenaded on a tram by a very good looking young man, you see being serenaded is one of those rules. No serenading, none of the time. I am going to share these rules with you, because I feel they are something that everyone should know. 

No Touching Eyes - I am of the opinion that if they didn't want people to touch them they shouldn't have made them shiny but apparently the general consensus is that you aren't allowed to do it. It takes away my element of surprise and I have had to find other new and interesting ways to make boys like me. There are of course some exceptions to this rule though, whilst out last weekend I had a very handsome bearded man go to romantically sweep my hair out of my eyes and he may have misjudged the distance and ended up poking me in the eye instead. I advised him that he wasn't allowed to touch my eyes, so I touched his eyes and we were back on level ground again and could continue on with our lives. I guess the saying an Eye for an Eye really did work in this case.

No Licking Randoms - This one didn't actually come from something that I did but we felt that it was important to put it in as a general rule for everyone just to avoid any confusion. On walking back into the dance hall (lets call it that, there was dancing in a large open spaced building) to see my friend holding a strangers leg in the air and running his tongue up it. This girl looked like she was from South of the River (or the Western Suburbs for my Melbourne compatriots) and not at all sanitary. On enquiring as to why he was doing it, his simple response was "Because everyone else was", apparently that's a thing.

No Being Serenaded - I disappeared for a long period of time, originally to take an important phone call about buying a drift car in Japan but then didn't come back for some length of time. On finally returning I was asked as to my where abouts and all I could do was giggle girlishly and explain that I had first had a private harmonica performance to which I went "yeah that was OK" and not wanting to let me down the artist proceeded to sing for me, just me, quietly up close to my ear in a large loud overcrowded establishment. The whole world melted away and I was transfixed by his crooning.  Serenading turns any girl into a gooey girly puddle and there is no time for that. None at all. There is shit to do and beer to drink and that dopey in love smile has no place in important business. 

The Seedy Age - Not just a suggestion but more a necessity, I have written about it before but it appears that I am cat nip for juvies, most of the time they come after me and who am I to say no? the older I get the worse it gets so the Seedy rule was brought in. The pretence of this rule is that you can engage with a guy that is half your age + seven and you aren't a creep. So with a bit of simple maths (30/2+7=22) we can ascertain that if they are under 22 I need to leave them to someone of their own age bracket or someone that doesn't have morals. I am now in the habit of asking to see guys wallets, just to check for myself, you just cant be too careful these days. 

No Eating Randoms Food - If someone is holding food, that means that it is theirs. Possession is 9/10ths of the law or something equally cliche like that. I have a feeling that this might have been the first night that I decided it was OK to eat someone elses food. This is probably the rule that I find the hardest to keep. As with the eye thing, if people didn't want you to touch it they shouldn't make them look so good. I am only human after all and my dad always told me that it was important to share my toys (toys/food/bed etc), some people may forget this rule so I find it important to remind them. Actions speak louder than words don't they so I am actioning them into change. 

No Interaction with Famous People - If I ever had a filter it is most certainly broken and because of this its important that I don't go near people who have any influence in the things that I like. In one night I managed to Motorboat a DJs shirt whilst yelling "I love fake titties", push over a very well known DJ because he was playing around and not letting me into the toilet, tell a highly prolific MC that he was uneducated (which he laughed and agreed with because he only went to year 11) and photo bomb every single photo of famous people that I could find. If there was a naughty corner I would have most certainly been in it on that night. Maybe I am like a little puppy, the more attention you give me the more destructive I get until I tire myself out and need a nap? Maybe. 

Eating is NOT Cheating - I know the saying goes that eating is cheating but really that's a very juvenile way to view drinking outings. Give yourself a good base to start with and its a better time for everyone and if the worst does happen and you lose your lunch, at least you will have some lunch to lose. I somehow feel deep within my soul that if we had have followed this rule on that evening none of the above rules would have need to have been drawn. 

At the end of the day these rules are here for the safety of the world, but don't they say that rules are meant to be  broken? I don't think I would have had half the experiences or half of the random events if I had have stuck to life by the letter of the law. Maybe these are just guides to better living and situationally dependant. I cant promise that I will be perfect but at least I am going to try (unless he has a beard, then I will probably break all of those rules just to get my hands on it, Literally)

Love and Laws 

Miss K 

Say Whaaaaat?

Its something that we are all guilty of and if you say that you don't do it I am going to call Bullshit. No I am not talking about picking our noses (but that too is something that everyone does as well), I am talking about eaves dropping. Whether it be to find out if you are getting into trouble when your bosses are whispering or listening to the people sitting in front of you on the tram talking of their sordid sex life, we all do it. Whilst most  of the tidbits we over hear aren't really anything exciting, there are sometimes pearlers that make us go "Ummm, Say What??". This is a blog dedicated to them.

"He needs to go fishing, but not fishing with me. Fishing with a Man, if you know what I mean?" - Elderly Receptionist. Ummm no, I don't know what you mean. Is this code for your husband is gay and needs to go out and be gay with fish? Or is going fishing similar to when your parents tell you that your pet dog went to the farm?

"You should just take two, pills these days are shit" - Two crackies on a lunch time bus in the Western Suburbs of Melbourne. I cant say that I disagree with this statement but I also believe that there is a time and a place for everything. A bus full of the elderly on the way to do their pension day shopping probably isn't the place. Damn Crackies. 

"We should mark in our diary when we have sex" - 15 year olds in Geography Class. I was a religious dork 15 year old with bad acne and I judged, I'm not even gonna lie. One of these 15 year olds went on to have a child at 16, at least it was easy to trace back to when the conception was. 

"Ive got to figure out what to do with this cock" - Lady walking into a female toilet. Lovely, maybe you are in the wrong toilet and as a middle aged "something" I would hope that you would know what to do with it by this stage. There is the internet after all, how do you think I got so good with the cock.

"So I was totally eating some chic out on the dance floor" - Young lad on the tram. How is this even a thing??!!???? Did he get down on all fours and go to town? I just don't understand the mechanics of it. I did once see some people having sex in Club A in Scarborough, but that's a bit different. 

"I am pretty sure that I didn't have anal sex on the weekend, I cant figure out why my arse is leaking" - Girl at the movies. Doctor Google can help you, but without googling it I can tell you that you have cancer. Its always Cancer. Or Aids of the arse. That's totally a thing. 

"My Hymen could never grow back, I masturbate too often" - Lady in a car park. Apparently if you dont have sex for 6 months you become revirginated, clearly this lady knows whats the go is. 

"Having teeth is great" - Westrac Diesel Fitter. Well yes, you are correct they are.I like to use mine for masticating, making my smile beautiful and biting unsuspecting mens necks. I wonder what he uses his for? 

"Omg! Did you hear about that horse at the Melbourne Cup? It died during the race so they green screened him, like, they just photo shopped him out of the race so people didn't get upset" - Girl on the Train. I think she doesn't really understand the meaning of the green screen, but I guess its a nice naive way to think about things. When I worked at the Greyhounds they would talk about the blue dream, so to me the dogs weren't dying they were just going to play on a farm where everything was blue. 

"My shit is bigger than my dick" - Fellow in a toilet. I would say this one is impressive but it could all be comparative to the size of his pecker. If Dirk Diggler said this, well by golly. I have actually done some poops that I am astronomically proud of, damn me for never taking my phone to the toilet with me

I would like to think that I could contribute to the worlds list of "What the fuck did she just say?", its something that I strive for daily. We all need to have ambitions. Just remember, you may not say weird things very often but you can guarantee when you do, someone is going to be there to hear it. You could be Facebook Famous and you don't even know it. 

Love and Lisps

Miss K

P.S That one about the Hymen, that was totally me. It was a comment I was proud of but I just couldn't come right out and say that I said it. I do have some dignity you know. And really if you cant love yourself no one else will love you. I am in store for a WHOOOLLLLEEEEE lot of love if this is the theory that we are going on. 

Tips for Teenagers from a T-Rex

I had a dream the other night about a book that I wrote called "Tips for Teenagers from a T-Rex" and in this dream this book made me millions so I thought I would run with it. If you had the opportunity to go back in time and tell your teenage self tips for life, what would they be? What lessons in life have you learnt that you wish you had have known earlier? And really if we were to go back in time to tell ourselves these things would we listen? Teenagers are known to be insolent moody creatures who feel they know better than anyone else so it would probably fall on deaf ears but here are the tips I would have a crack at telling myself.

Cow Print, the fluffy type, should probably be left to the cows. Back in 2000 I was the proud owner of a cow print pencil skirt which I wore with a black skivvy (fucking what?) and looking back it probably was not the greatest fashion statement that I ever made. It may be why I don't do animal print now. Don't follow trends and stay true to the classics of fashion. This stuff doesn't age and you wont look back at photos of yourself and go What the fuck was a I thinking.  

Go to more parties - like legit, I didn't even go to my after ball (I think you East Coast kids call them formals or debs). I missed out on so many unique teenage experiences because I devoted all my time and energy into the church and they seemingly were the fun police. Live a little, you've got your whole life for keeping quiet. 

Save More Spend Less -  I keep trying to tell my adult self this one as well but saving money is a good idea to allow you to do things, travel places and just be more grown up. To me money is like water, it just slips straight through my fingers. Teenage self, get a bucket.

Travel - The world is your oyster, work this in conjunction with the savings. Use your savings to go exploring, there is sooooo much in the world that I want to see and if I had have started younger there would be more of a chance that I would get to see it all. Adult life creeps up on you very quickly and houses and careers and the feeling of responsibility can put a dampener on travel plans you may have. 

Don't put off calls you can make today - back in the days before mobile phones and texting (yes I know, that's a stretch to remember) you needed to actually pick up the phone and call people. You had to be at your house and make the time to do it and I seemingly wasn't good at  this. I didn't get to speak to my dad properly before he died because I just kept putting off calling him because I had more important things to do thinking that it would be OK to wait for a few more days. Waiting may have caused one of the biggest regrets of my life.  

Spend more time studying and less time on MSN/ICQ/Internet Chat Rooms, those Internet boys are probably not what their photos look like and you are just in for a world of awkward.You are a smart girl and you can excel at school if you put your mind too it, so maybe put your mind to it.

You will only regret the things you didn't do, so do it. ALL OF IT. I really wish that I had have known this one when I was young, it is the way that I live my life now but back then, not so much. I made the decision to make 2011 the year of the random and have continued following through with it until this day. Try everything, go out, make the time, enjoy. You never know who you will meet and where the road will take you. That's exciting. When I moved to Melbourne my Nan told me that she was proud that I was taking a different path because you never know how long you have left and you need to try these things. I love my Nan so much and I am trying to live a life that she would be proud of.  

I threw it out to my Peanut Gallery and here are their tips for their younger selves (with my thoughts added)

Disregard women, there will be time for pounding later / Lower your standards and bang any chic that's willing / Use Condoms - really I have nothing to say on this one. This one is really a personal preference. For me I was happy to only sleep with the people that I did because it meant that my encounters actually meant something. Use Condoms though, this one is very important. Teenage pregnancies have the potential to ruin your life and turn you into lower class scum and you want the opportunity to have an amazing life. Of course that doesn't always happen and there are exceptions to every rule.  A friend of mine had a kid at 15 and she is probably one of the biggest inspirations in all that she has achieved and what she turned her life into. She now has an amazing 15 year old that any parent would be proud of. You rock Em, I respect you so much for what you have done so far and I know you will keep doing amazing things. 

Stay Away from Woodstock Bourbon - or Wipe Out or goon bags, or really any cheap nasty booze. The tendency of teenagers to get drunk because its fun isn't a good one. Life should be about quality not quantity. Oh how I wish I could take back the days of drinking Emu Export with Passion Pop (yes you read that correctly, Drink half a can of beer, fill it with Passion Pop and viola, you have yourself some lethal confused concoction that wont be nice in the morning)

Don't Fall in love with sluts - Sluts are well, sluts and do slutty things. They will treat you badly, break your confidence in women and leave you jaded when they move onto the next shiny toy who can give them what ever it is that they are needing at the time. Spot a Slut, avoid at all costs. And remember generally once a slut always a slut. You are great but she isn't going to change her ways just for you so leave her to destroy someone else.  

Avoid Cars, Acquire property - cars are money sucking black holes that you wont get any return on. If you do feel the need to have a car addiction get the property addiction first and then use your equity to acquire the cars. Best of both worlds maybe?

Its OK to wear glasses - in 15 years people will be rocking glasses with no lenses because its that cool. You just peaked early. Congratulations you little trend setter you. 

Stick up for myself - at the end of the day you are who you are and you need to say a big up yours to anyone that tries to make you anything else. 

But really would I tell myself any of these things, because all of these things happened to bring me to where I am now and the person that I have become. For good or bad I am pretty proud of  the adult that I have turned into (I am still undecided if that has actually happened though). They say 30 is the new 20 so maybe I am being given the chance to take back a bit of my teenage self and live the life I want. That's a pretty cool thought. I may not be a teen anymore, but I can buy booze, drive a car and my boobs are still perky so there is really nothing stopping me from pretending is there? 

Love and Life Lessons 

Miss K  

My Over Active Imagination says....

As a child I could always think of amazing stories and amazing games to play by myself and was often told that I had a great imagination (this might have helped me with adventures in my adult life as well, mainly this little adventure that I call blog writing). The world of my over active imagination didn't stop as a child and still runs rampant today, like just before I was walking past my neighbours house and heard noises which conjured all sorts of disturbing images in my head. Is it normal to have these strangely inaccurate musings on life?

Strangers in the Window – My child hood house had a danger fraught route to the toilet in  the after dark hours. To get to the facilities you had to walk through the kitchen with its giant window that looked out into the dark dark back yard. I was always convinced that there were people watching me through the windows so would avoid going to the toilet just so they wouldn't be able to get me. I will disturbingly admit to having peed in the bath a few times because the route to the bathroom wasn't so treacherous and didn't involve going through the kitchen. Judge as you might at least I didn't pee in the bed or in a cupboard like I have heard other people doing (even as adults)

Excessive Package Deliveries – The house across the road from mine gets a lot of packages, like I mean the DHL man comes every morning. Either this person likes online shopping or they are in fact drug dealers and their latest shipments are being delivered under the disguise of the DHL. Of course it is the drugs, we live in a nice area and they have a HUGE house and a BMW. Where else would all that money be coming from?

It hides in the darkness – when its dark that’s where the serial killers hide. They just sit in the bush and wait for you to walk/drive/helicopter past them and then they jump out and steal your soul. They can run really quickly (like quick enough to liquid metal onto the back of your car) and they will fuck you up no questions asked. I spent my teenage years living in a house in the Perth Hills that was close to a national park. In this national park there was a train tunnel that was no longer used and on walks through the tunnel  I always used to think that there would be people in there waiting to grab me or that the baddies had already been there and dumped their prior victims in the tunnel because it was so dark and they would never be found, heck if I was going to Murder someone that’s probably where I would put them (if anyone winds up dead in the tunnel, I live in Melbourne now, it wasn't me)

Vibrations through the Wall -  I live in an apartment as most trendy hipster inner city kids do and part of living in an apartment is hearing the noises that come through the wall and if my hearing is correct my next door neighbour has a giant vibrator that she uses EVERY night. Really what else could it be, who uses a blender and/or food processor every night. She does have a very good looking boyfriend and sometimes the noise is going when he isn’t home. He must be unsatisfactory between the sheets. Don’t worry sister I know how that is. This isn’t actually the first time that I have thought this whilst being in close living confines. On walking downstairs in my first Brunswick share house I heard a noise that was distinctly vibrator like, I was awkward and embarrassed for the inhabitant of bedroom one, well you can imagine my relief when she appeared brandishing not a vibrator but an electric shaver. Turns out that they make the same noise. Who knew.

Cat Carriers – If there is a bag in the middle of the road, be it a grubby pillowcase or a paper Maccas bag, there is cats inside it. Poor little baby cats that weren't wanted and someone put them in the bad to dispose of them. If they leave them in the road and someone runs over them its not their fault is it? YES IT IS. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CATS IN BAGS. It started off as a fear and then when I got a car low enough that hitting anything would destroy everything it turned into a real phobia. I think it stems from someone telling me that they drowned kittens in pillowcases. Get your cats fixed, this is a much better alternative than what comes to my mind.

Bodies in the Bowl – I only put the toilet seat down in public toilets when I have done something that I would like to cover up or a smell that I would like to entrap. It only goes without saying that everyone else lowers the seat for the same reason. This is the main reason that if I go to a communal toilet and the seat is down I will go to another toilet just so I don’t have to lift the lid. Under the lid there is probably very likely to be a new born baby, a severed hand or a kitten (again with the kittens). Do me a favour, leave the seat up, even if you did leave skiddies, at least then I know what I am getting myself in for.

Its all about me – when people are talking and whispering, they are talking and whispering about me. ALWAYS, all of the time. When there is a meeting between bosses, I am the main topic of conversation. Call it guilty conscious possibly even though my rational mind knows that I haven’t done anything that would warrant these conversations and on the scale of bad I probably don’t even register. This probably comes from being bullied as a child, when people were actually talking about me. Or it may come from my inflated sense of self worth, why would they want to talk about anything else, I AM the most interesting thing out there and did you see my recent facebook post? I would probably talk about me too. And thanks I did know how amazing my hair looks today, it was nice of you to notice.

We all have the little things that cloud our minds and our judgement, the people hiding under the bed, the snakes in the closet and that tiny midget that is sitting on our back seat waiting to kill us. I suggest that you take your inner most imaginations and use it for creative pursuits. It has seemingly been beneficial to me

Love and Thought Bubbles

Miss K