There is a moment in every ones adult life that changes them, it changes the way that they move and the way that they think and the way that they engage with other people. For me this was a day a few years ago back in 2011 at a large hip hop gigs when I realised that my life was probably a bit out of control. From this night a set of rules were introduced for the safety of the people around me (and maybe for myself as well). I was reminded of these rules last night whilst being serenaded on a tram by a very good looking young man, you see being serenaded is one of those rules. No serenading, none of the time. I am going to share these rules with you, because I feel they are something that everyone should know.
No Touching Eyes - I am of the opinion that if they didn't want people to touch them they shouldn't have made them shiny but apparently the general consensus is that you aren't allowed to do it. It takes away my element of surprise and I have had to find other new and interesting ways to make boys like me. There are of course some exceptions to this rule though, whilst out last weekend I had a very handsome bearded man go to romantically sweep my hair out of my eyes and he may have misjudged the distance and ended up poking me in the eye instead. I advised him that he wasn't allowed to touch my eyes, so I touched his eyes and we were back on level ground again and could continue on with our lives. I guess the saying an Eye for an Eye really did work in this case.
No Licking Randoms - This one didn't actually come from something that I did but we felt that it was important to put it in as a general rule for everyone just to avoid any confusion. On walking back into the dance hall (lets call it that, there was dancing in a large open spaced building) to see my friend holding a strangers leg in the air and running his tongue up it. This girl looked like she was from South of the River (or the Western Suburbs for my Melbourne compatriots) and not at all sanitary. On enquiring as to why he was doing it, his simple response was "Because everyone else was", apparently that's a thing.
No Being Serenaded - I disappeared for a long period of time, originally to take an important phone call about buying a drift car in Japan but then didn't come back for some length of time. On finally returning I was asked as to my where abouts and all I could do was giggle girlishly and explain that I had first had a private harmonica performance to which I went "yeah that was OK" and not wanting to let me down the artist proceeded to sing for me, just me, quietly up close to my ear in a large loud overcrowded establishment. The whole world melted away and I was transfixed by his crooning. Serenading turns any girl into a gooey girly puddle and there is no time for that. None at all. There is shit to do and beer to drink and that dopey in love smile has no place in important business.
The Seedy Age - Not just a suggestion but more a necessity, I have written about it before but it appears that I am cat nip for juvies, most of the time they come after me and who am I to say no? the older I get the worse it gets so the Seedy rule was brought in. The pretence of this rule is that you can engage with a guy that is half your age + seven and you aren't a creep. So with a bit of simple maths (30/2+7=22) we can ascertain that if they are under 22 I need to leave them to someone of their own age bracket or someone that doesn't have morals. I am now in the habit of asking to see guys wallets, just to check for myself, you just cant be too careful these days.
No Eating Randoms Food - If someone is holding food, that means that it is theirs. Possession is 9/10ths of the law or something equally cliche like that. I have a feeling that this might have been the first night that I decided it was OK to eat someone elses food. This is probably the rule that I find the hardest to keep. As with the eye thing, if people didn't want you to touch it they shouldn't make them look so good. I am only human after all and my dad always told me that it was important to share my toys (toys/food/bed etc), some people may forget this rule so I find it important to remind them. Actions speak louder than words don't they so I am actioning them into change.
No Interaction with Famous People - If I ever had a filter it is most certainly broken and because of this its important that I don't go near people who have any influence in the things that I like. In one night I managed to Motorboat a DJs shirt whilst yelling "I love fake titties", push over a very well known DJ because he was playing around and not letting me into the toilet, tell a highly prolific MC that he was uneducated (which he laughed and agreed with because he only went to year 11) and photo bomb every single photo of famous people that I could find. If there was a naughty corner I would have most certainly been in it on that night. Maybe I am like a little puppy, the more attention you give me the more destructive I get until I tire myself out and need a nap? Maybe.
Eating is NOT Cheating - I know the saying goes that eating is cheating but really that's a very juvenile way to view drinking outings. Give yourself a good base to start with and its a better time for everyone and if the worst does happen and you lose your lunch, at least you will have some lunch to lose. I somehow feel deep within my soul that if we had have followed this rule on that evening none of the above rules would have need to have been drawn.
At the end of the day these rules are here for the safety of the world, but don't they say that rules are meant to be broken? I don't think I would have had half the experiences or half of the random events if I had have stuck to life by the letter of the law. Maybe these are just guides to better living and situationally dependant. I cant promise that I will be perfect but at least I am going to try (unless he has a beard, then I will probably break all of those rules just to get my hands on it, Literally)
Love and Laws
Miss K
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