Its something that we are all guilty of and if you say that you don't do it I am going to call Bullshit. No I am not talking about picking our noses (but that too is something that everyone does as well), I am talking about eaves dropping. Whether it be to find out if you are getting into trouble when your bosses are whispering or listening to the people sitting in front of you on the tram talking of their sordid sex life, we all do it. Whilst most of the tidbits we over hear aren't really anything exciting, there are sometimes pearlers that make us go "Ummm, Say What??". This is a blog dedicated to them.
"He needs to go fishing, but not fishing with me. Fishing with a Man, if you know what I mean?" - Elderly Receptionist. Ummm no, I don't know what you mean. Is this code for your husband is gay and needs to go out and be gay with fish? Or is going fishing similar to when your parents tell you that your pet dog went to the farm?
"You should just take two, pills these days are shit" - Two crackies on a lunch time bus in the Western Suburbs of Melbourne. I cant say that I disagree with this statement but I also believe that there is a time and a place for everything. A bus full of the elderly on the way to do their pension day shopping probably isn't the place. Damn Crackies.
"We should mark in our diary when we have sex" - 15 year olds in Geography Class. I was a religious dork 15 year old with bad acne and I judged, I'm not even gonna lie. One of these 15 year olds went on to have a child at 16, at least it was easy to trace back to when the conception was.
"Ive got to figure out what to do with this cock" - Lady walking into a female toilet. Lovely, maybe you are in the wrong toilet and as a middle aged "something" I would hope that you would know what to do with it by this stage. There is the internet after all, how do you think I got so good with the cock.
"So I was totally eating some chic out on the dance floor" - Young lad on the tram. How is this even a thing??!!???? Did he get down on all fours and go to town? I just don't understand the mechanics of it. I did once see some people having sex in Club A in Scarborough, but that's a bit different.
"I am pretty sure that I didn't have anal sex on the weekend, I cant figure out why my arse is leaking" - Girl at the movies. Doctor Google can help you, but without googling it I can tell you that you have cancer. Its always Cancer. Or Aids of the arse. That's totally a thing.
"My Hymen could never grow back, I masturbate too often" - Lady in a car park. Apparently if you dont have sex for 6 months you become revirginated, clearly this lady knows whats the go is.
"Having teeth is great" - Westrac Diesel Fitter. Well yes, you are correct they are.I like to use mine for masticating, making my smile beautiful and biting unsuspecting mens necks. I wonder what he uses his for?
"Omg! Did you hear about that horse at the Melbourne Cup? It died during the race so they green screened him, like, they just photo shopped him out of the race so people didn't get upset" - Girl on the Train. I think she doesn't really understand the meaning of the green screen, but I guess its a nice naive way to think about things. When I worked at the Greyhounds they would talk about the blue dream, so to me the dogs weren't dying they were just going to play on a farm where everything was blue.
"My shit is bigger than my dick" - Fellow in a toilet. I would say this one is impressive but it could all be comparative to the size of his pecker. If Dirk Diggler said this, well by golly. I have actually done some poops that I am astronomically proud of, damn me for never taking my phone to the toilet with me
I would like to think that I could contribute to the worlds list of "What the fuck did she just say?", its something that I strive for daily. We all need to have ambitions. Just remember, you may not say weird things very often but you can guarantee when you do, someone is going to be there to hear it. You could be Facebook Famous and you don't even know it.
Love and Lisps
P.S That one about the Hymen, that was totally me. It was a comment I was proud of but I just couldn't come right out and say that I said it. I do have some dignity you know. And really if you cant love yourself no one else will love you. I am in store for a WHOOOLLLLEEEEE lot of love if this is the theory that we are going on.