I don’t think it is any surprise to anyone that I have a bit of a thing for shoes. Well sneakers to be exact, the brighter the better really. On a recent trip to my local shoe hang out I saw some tiny little mini versions of the shoes that I had recently purchased. They may have possibly been the cutest thing that I had ever seen and these got me thinking that I might like to have a baby. Yes you read that right, I based the decision to want to procreate on a tiny little pair of Jordan 5s (AJ5 Grapes are Balla, in case you didn’t know). This isn’t in itself a solid enough reason to bring something live into the world. Babies are for life and not just for Christmas so its not a decision to be entered into lightly. Here are the other reasons that I have thought of to make it OK to reproduce.
Dress Ups – I loved playing dress ups (and I still secretly do) and everything is so much cuter in miniature, just imagine the costumes that you could get for a small human. I would for certain have the best dressed most coolest costumed child in existence. It would win all the best dressed competitions and bolster its self esteem and I would be winning parenting of the year awards left right and centre.
All the Activities – Have you ever gone to the cinemas and asked for a ticket to a children's movie and had a concern that they are judging you like a paedophile? Sometimes I feel like that and that’s not an ideal way to feel. IF you have a child in tow you can go anywhere that children are accepted without fear of retribution. Think of the possibilities. Children's movies, the Maccas play ground, the kiddy pool, Santas lap. Its not even totally selfish either because the kid gets to go as well.
Toys – When I was small all I wanted for Christmas was a Baby Born, I wanted to love it and feed it and clean up its poos but Santa let me down big time. I never got my Baby Born and I never had the latest in the coolest gadgets. If I had a child I could buy it all the cool gadgets and Baby Borns of the world and when they were sleeping I could play with them. Think of all of the things I could play with. I could build myself a Lego fort and slay all of the dragons. Granted if I had a real baby I probably would lose interest in the baby born (Or maybe if I had have had a baby born I would have more of an interest in babies. Pondering life's difficult questions one day at a time)
Kid Speak – Kids say some pretty hilarious things, their little minds wander off in directions that you and I can only dream about. I like to think that I am pretty funny and I know that my mind wanders off in strange directions all the time so think of the possibilities when these two great minds combine. It would be like the unmovable object meeting the unstoppable force. It would be the next Hamish and Andy or the Golden Girls or Tom and Jerry.
Pay it forward – Having a child of my own would give me a chance to damage my children like my parents did to me. Nothing serious mind you, just little things like making them wear ice cream containers on their heads so the magpies don’t get them and making them wear skivvys so everyone thinks that they don’t actually have necks. My uncle used to torment us as children so it only went without saying that when he had children of his own we tormented them as well. In my head I can see crazy old Rafiki standing on Pride Rock holding Simba up to the sky while Elton John croons in the background because really it is all the Circle of Life. Naaa sharenya ammamibioo (or how ever that song goes)
Dimensions – Lets be honest, I am always after new and interesting things to write about in my blog and you can only imagine the things that having a kid would enable me to write about. Pooping, the things that they swallow, the interesting things that they say, the inappropriate times they take their clothes off (I am just going on things that I know I did as a child and probably still do as an adult). Also when children do these things people gush about how cute and sweet they are but I am pretty sure that if I was to lift up my dress and walk through Coles people would have some choice words to say.
Slave Labour – Its par to the course, I have expelled them from my body, fed them, clothed them, entertained them and probably slightly damaged them by making them wear ice cream containers on their heads so it is only appropriated that when they are able they start giving back to me. This might mean doing the dishes, cleaning up the dogs poop or the rotten fruit, washing me with a rag on a stick when I am too large to wash myself and finally looking after me in my old age when I am wiping faeces on the walls of their house. It might be slave labour but the conditions are better.
Cruising for Dates – This one is obviously only if I happen to be a single parent and it might not even work because I am not a dude. I know as a virile female with a ticking biological clock, when I see a guy that’s good with children my womb reacts strongly and I want to “something” (undetermined) him. People are more likely to speak to you if you have a child in tow doing cute things. All I need is for my child to do cute things and BINGO I am back in the game.
But really all of these things are fantastic and great reasons to have children but there are other things to think about. The other day I saw a lady walking down the street with a pug dog in a pram, but only it wasn't a pug dog, it was a baby. What happens if I have a baby that looks like a pug dog with its googly eyes all poking out everywhere all over the shop? no one will tell you that you have an ugly baby and you will of course think that you little baby/pug is the cutest thing that was ever put on the face of the planet. I don't know if I can agree to getting that disillusion.
Or the fact that its all well and good getting it in there but you do realise that it has to come out again? I am rather fond of my tightly packed kebab and the idea that some parasite (my new boss used that term not me) is growing inside me is enough to send me scampering into the corner and cowering with fear. Also sometimes when you are pushing out the baby you also can push out a poop and we all know my feelings on pooping in public.
It appears that there is just to much to think about in the quest to reproduction and world domination with my army of minions. I might need to sleep on this one for a little bit longer.
Love and Lifetimes
Miss K
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