Vaginas are Stupid and Confusing

Yes you read that right, I think Vaginas are Stupid and Confusing and retarded and having one has been more hindrance than help for me in my life so far. What has brought on this feeling of discontent? The other night I sat at home in a state of disbelief and near tears for no apparent reason, it was a mixture of running out of things to read, feeling lonely after spending a whole weekend with people and probably a bit of PMS mixed in their somewhere. Honestly who gets upset about these kinds of things. It can only be blamed on the vagina.... there is no other explanation for it. I vote we all become feminists and instead of the burning of the bra we have a ceremonial burning of the vagina. Here are some other bones I have to pick with my vagina 

Vagina Pain - We touched on it briefly above but really emotions are possibly born from the vagina, its why girls cry more than boys. I get upset if I have had a good weekend with friends because then I am by myself again, I get upset if the guy I like doesn't text me back, I get upset if I have to stand up on the tram when I want to sit down and read my book (or look at pictures of half naked people on Tumblr), I get upset if I think more about a situation than what possibly needs to be thought of. Just the other day I cried on the tram whilst reading a book that I have read at least 10 times before. Dear Vagina, why do you pain me so much?

Periods - I'm scared of blood, you make me see my blood every month, that hardly seems like a kind thing to do. I don't have intercourse anyway so what is really the point, I already know that I am not pregnant so you are not a surprise, a celebration or a condolence, you are just a nuisance. I saw a meme about the universe sending you a text saying, congratulations you aren't pregnant, we really should invest in that kind of technology. 

Stigmatises - Because I have vagina and like to engage in sexual acts with men I am at risk of being labelled a slut, how is that a thing? Open your vagina to the world and bad things are bound to come to you, no doubt about it (Well unless you are doing porn, then good things will come to you, all over you). I have been for years trying to change this stigma so make everyone high five me about my sexual contexts, they might be silently thinking that I am a slut but actions do speak louder than words so with each high five its sealing my immortality. 

Difficult to Reach - My vagina is not like one of those guys in the reach toothbrush ads, it is not flip top, I am not a contortionists and I still have all my ribs intact. Taking into account all of these things, it would appear that my G Spot (yes it actually exists) is out of reach to me. Why give me a fun toy to play with and then put it on the top shelf where I cant reach it? I have a friend that has a theory that this is because God is in cohorts with sex shops, he makes it unattainable and forces us all to go out to the market to get a "step ladder" to enable us to reach it. Cunning bloke that guy is. 

Maintaining the Look - I am lucky that I have an amazing waxer who i genuinely think is rad and like to spend time with (even if she is ripping off my vagina in the process) but its annoying how our vaginas are always expected to be in tip top condition. Everyone has bad hair days. Why cant my vagina wear a beanie as well. And while we are on that, having a vagina means that I feel the need to be sexy all the time when there is a chance that I could be getting up to some hanky panky. Lingerie, showering, body lotions, they lot. If I was a boy I would just be able to shower and throw on some cologne and Bingo, I am one sexy beast. Life is less simple with labias.

I guess I cant really complain though, there is really no chance of me sitting on my vagina flaps like there is of a guy sitting on his balls, you cant see when I get awkward boners (did you know that can happen when you go into cold water? well no I didn't either until recently), mostly I call the shots about things with the power of the pussy and mans want of attainment and I can give birth to human shit bags. Also while vagina's may not be attractive, they sure as hell are much better looks than some of the cocks that I have seen. So I guess I should probably hold off burning my vagina, you never know when I might need it. 

Love and Labias 

Miss K