I have just read back over this blog post and realised that I didn't actually make any resolutions for 2013, I am guessing if I had have I would have probably failed them anyway because it appeared to be the year that time and sanity forgot. It was very much a down year (don't get me wrong, some of it was pretty fucking awesome) and as I rang in the new year this week I looked around at the people I was with and felt reassured that I was coming out of 2013 in better shape that I went in and that 2014 was going to be positive. The new year is always a good time to reflect on what you have been doing and where you would like to go and maybe finally start to make those changes that you have in your head. A new year, a new start, a new you. Here is what new Kerry is after...
A Resounding Confidence - this one will actually probably come as a shock to people but I am not a confident person, I doubt every move I make and think that I am not worthy of anything. That really needs to change. I need to start believing in the power of me, it would appear that I am well liked and well respected so why cant I like myself? I am the heaviest that I have ever been and the most out of shape that I have ever been and I have no one to blame for that but myself. This is affecting everything I do so I need to fix it and I am the only one that can do that. Is it look good, feel good or feel good, look good? either way I need to get on board that train, I know that I can do it, because I have done it before. No Excuses.
Get better with Money - Yes, I know that I say that every year and I think that it is going to be a constant struggle for me. I am sick of stressing about money (and I stress a whole heap) and wondering if I am going to be able to pay my rent (The answer is normally no). This is probably going to have to mean no going out, no eating out, no lining up for sneakers.... but really that's all material. I think I need to focus on the bigger picture. Travel, adventure, I need it. I did actually do pretty well this year and had a nice bank of savings going and then my insides done went and exploded and that kinda fucked me. Hospitals are expensive yo.
Find Love - Yep this is a big and almighty one and one that is totally probably out of my control. With my "issues" I'm less likely to open up to people unless they are supremely special. I want to find that someone that calms my insides and relaxes me just by being there. I have felt it, I know its out there. Lets just hope that when I feel it, they feel it to. I am ready to let someone in to look after me, I dont have to do this all on my own
No Fear - Maybe I need to get those No Fear eyes tattooed on me as a daily reminder to be less scared of life. Its some what rolled into my PTSD, I know this but I want to get better at strategies to help me move forward. I am sick of being in fear about everything.
Nicer is Better - This year I want to be nicer, I am a cunt sometimes and I wont deny that, I get jealous and conflicted and annoyed and it turns me into an arsehole and no body likes an arsehole. Everyone is different and this is what makes the world an amazing place. I need to remember this...
Find a Passion - My dad asked me when I was back in Perth when I was going to start doing Karate again and it made me think that I don't really have any hobbies. I think I need to find one, it probably wont be Karate because I was very bad at that but I might like to try my hand at cooking classes (I have always wanted to learn the chef chop) or maybe go and do a creative writing course (you can all testify to the fact that I need all the help that I can get). I think I just need something to immerse myself in. I am a sucker for learning.
Write More - Maybe this one can flow on from the last one, but I aim to write more. I enjoy it, I think I might have a talent for it (but that is open to debate) and it helps me clear my head. I think I need to foster this. I also want to read more books and kick my social network habit. I think they are all part of the one thing... in a round about kind of way.
Be Selfish - I know this is a weird one and most people would be striving to do the opposite but for me my whole life appears to revolve around protecting other peoples feelings and I'm sick of that. I'm doing myself a disservice by letting the guilt eat me. No More. I think this one has a lot to do with my lack of confidence in myself so hopefully when one changes the other wont be far behind it.
But by far the biggest thing new Kerry wants is...
To make more friends, meet more people, see more sights, smile more, laugh without abandon and just live life to the fullest. Life is all about the experiences that we have and the things we make for ourselves. I would like to be rich in what I have to give, because I am a firm believe that what you give out is what you get back, and I want it to be good things.
Love and New Beginnings
This is what I go into 2014 with, If they are all I come out the other side with I will be one lucky lady.