Sunday, 26 January 2014

Diary of a Fat Girl

My name is Kerry and it has come to my attention recently that I now weigh as much as a small car, something sporty like a Fiat, but none the less still a car.All of the warning signs were there that the middle age spread was happening, my clothes started to get a bit tighter and I could most certainly see that my face was getting plumper, but as long as I didn't smile I would be able to cover that up. Selfies these days call for serious faces anyway so it was easy to get away with. I went to run and I could feel my every lump and bump, lumping and bumping along the road with me and it wasn't awesome. I am disappointed that I let myself get to this point as you can imagine. I once had a friend say to me that you can sleep with a girl as long as she has one of the good elements, either a nice face and an average body or an average face and a nice body (obviously its a bonus if they have both but beggars cant be choosers) and in his opinion it was my face that let me down, well as you can imagine now my body has let me down so I am pretty much fucked... so what am I going to do about it? Bring on Operation "Getting out of the carpark". While being fat has its perks (bigger boobs, being able to pretend you are pregnant to get a seat on the tram) don't they always say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?

Here was going to be the spot where I told you why it isn't my fault that I got fat but I am not going to do that because the only person that made me fat was me. I don't remember the last time that I weighed myself and when I did I was a few kgs over weight but it didn't really bother me because I was happy with the way I looked, now I am 10kg heavier than that and I think it has a lot to do with the donuts that I have been eating and the lack of exercise that I have been doing. I guess in my head I thought that since I don't have a car here in Melbourne and I walk everywhere it would all come out in the wash, but really having no car may have been a bit of a downfall for me. Not having a car means that you cant actually go grocery shopping properly because you have to lug everything the km to your house so quick cooking light foods were always the way to go. I have since discovered Coles on line. Excuse Busted. 

In relation to exercise I havent stepped foot inside of a gym since leaving Perth and this disappoints me a lot because I used to love working out and now every time I try any vigorous exercise (ie. running) I can feel my belly jiggling and threatening to knock me out. Before I left Perth I was rear ended by a truck and got a tear in my rotator cuff and this has limited what I can do but there is always a way around it and I just couldn't be bothered looking for it. I went in and joined the gym on Thursday afternoon and as is always the case when you are feeling sweaty and the size of a whale the most gorgeous guy you have ever met is serving on the counter, I know that he probably works on Commission but he was complimentary and encouraging and I subsequently gave him all my money. 

I have also joined Weight Watchers to help me fight the fat, I feel that I need to be accountable to someone and having to go in every week and step on the biggest loser scales is enough to make anyone want to keep on track. I will admit to being very nervous when I went to my first meeting, in my head I was convinced that I would rock up and be the fattest person there (I wasn't) everyone would judge me for having to be there (they didn't) and the meeting leader would treat me like the lady from Little Britain and tell you that all you can eat is dust (she didn't). The leader was really nice, she made small talk to try and relax me but I admit to finding it difficult to follow what she was saying because in my head the arsehole was screaming "You're Fat, You're Fat. She is judging you because you are fat and she looking for a car park to put you into". Sometimes that voice in my head is a dickhead and I don't like him (I just realised that I said the voice in my head was a guy... and this is strange because I am a women... but it is a guy. Maybe its the same as most cars being girls).

My goal is to fit back into my little blue dress (picture below) and I am probably three sizes off being able to do that. Every time I have worn this dress amazing things have happened that have helped my confidence or given me a laugh. Once I wore it to a wedding and picked up the bar tender and one time I convinced a guy to take me back to his house to cook me sausages and then left when I was finished eating (much to his dismay, I think he was looking for some sausage action of his own). Its time to create some more memories with it. To help me to get to here I have put a limit on myself so I don't fall off the wagon. I have about 20kg to lose before I am at my target weight so until I lose half of that I am not buying Sneakers and I am not having Sex*, its kinda like taking a kids TV away, if you take something off them that they really like then they are going to behave to get it back. 

* there is a clause here, if I meet a "Sparkler" (someone that takes my breath away) and a relationship is going to happen then this rule does not apply. It more applies for meaningless random hookups, not that I really do that anymore anyway.

But look, I am nothing if not realistic. I am fully aware that even after I lose all this weight its not going to be a magic fix for my life, I will never be stick skinny, the box gap will still be a whole lot of Selleys no more gaps and I will probably still have thighs that will rub together with enough friction to start a small scrub fire. This is just the way that my body is made. So what will I do when I finally hit my goal weight? Maybe eat a giant cake (yes a whole one) but that would probably be counter productive. Maybe I could do a nude photo shoot to show off my new svelte figure and then hang the photos in the lounge room to make my visitors feel awkward when the are sitting down to their tea and fat free biscuits. But most probably I will put on the blue dress, my best pair of Peeptoes (probably the amazing ones that I got for Christmas) and take my pins out on the town to cruise for men.

All of this desire to lose weigh does not mean that I find fuller figured women less attractive. I follow a few blogs on Tumblr that are specifically devoted to these types of women and their confidence and radiance gives me a kick in the pants for worrying so much about the skin that I am in. I will always 100% prefer the shape of a curvy women than to that of a skinny skinny or muscular women (but I am also aware that this is just the way that some peoples bodies are. Like mine always being more plump... that's just what happens) but I am looking to do this change because I don't feel confident or radiant in my skin. If I am not able to love me, how can anyone else be able to love me.

Love and Lady Lumps

Miss K

P.S Let me let you in on a little inside secret, My watch weights 197 grams (I kid you not), its like a little get out of jail free card. If I have a bad week with my food and still want to lose weight, take my watch off and Bingo. Done.  But I will keep that one up my sleeve for now (ohhh see what I did there) and put it in the break in case of emergency box.

P.P.S The main reason that I feel its time to take my rotunder pants off is because I am afraid of getting a fat pubis. Look I deserve to be fat because of poor life choices but its not fair of me to bring my vagina into this, what did it ever do to me?

P.P.P.S The seats at Weight Watchers are all normal size and they all have arms on them. I don't know why but it struck me as odd, maybe Melbourne only has relatively small obese women. Not like the lady that is in Whats Eating Gilbert Grape or Bogan Pride. 

Disclaimer: I will still probably be the fat girl stereotype though - just a fat girl in a thin girls body (hopefully). It appear that I only have one level... and that is loud and obnoxious.

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