As I roll along in my 30th year, I have come to a realisation about the adult entertainment industry and the affect that it has on my life, so I shall like to proclaim loudly now that I, Miss K, am going to give up watching porn and stop masturbating( well at least cut down the amount that I do it) until I feel like I can have a normal relationship again. What do porn and masturbation have to do with normality? Who we are as a sexual being has a big affect on the way that everything else in our life is, so I want to bring a bit of the balance back. Here are my thoughts
Pornography and Masturbation brings about Desensitisation
Physically - You could say that I started to run before I even learnt to walk and skipped the whole step of manual stimulation and went straight to mechanical. From what I understand of it, the clitoris is a bit of a sensitive organ and I feel that I might have busted mine and done myself a great disservice by going straight to the hard stuff. It makes reaching climax more difficult and if I don't have a mechanical aid its pretty much near impossible. I used to date a guy who rarely came during intercourse and instead he would sneak into the bathroom when I was "sleeping" to finish himself off. That hurt my pride and made me feel pretty shit about myself, I wasn't able to do something for him that was my "job" and over the years I have inadvertently done the same thing to all the guys that I have been intimate with. By giving it up, will sensitivity return and make their jobs easier? I guess its worth a try.
Mentally - When I first started watching porn I had very very very vanilla tastes, just your normal bit of missionary penetration and I was good to go. As with everything though the more you see the more you need and I find myself googling the more extreme things as time goes on. If you had have asked me as an 18 year old who was just loosing her virginity I would have been adamant to the fact that anything to do with anal would not interest me... well it would appear that times have changed. I always wonder if I would be as sexually adventurous in bed if it wasn't for my Redtube browsing.I am ok with where my tastes sit at the moment, they are somewhere between the vanilla and the chocolate but I am concerned as to what the next level up is...
Pornography and Masturbation give us Unrealistic Expectations
Men - If you are a man you should be able to last for an eon, you will have an overly large sized sabre and know how to use it with great precision. If this was the case and I was sexually inexperienced I would have been in for a world of disappointment for nearly 3/4 of the men I have been intimate with. The overly large sized sabre is not as common as you would expect and minute men are a thing more often than not (well for me anyway). Guys start to think that all girls only like big cocks, when infact thats very rarely the case. Having a porn size doodle is probably more of a hinderance than a help because when you take your pants off girls get a strange look on their face, its the look that goes "How is that going to fit in there". Unless you are dating another porn star most girls dont have gaping vaginas (actually I have nothing to base this on because I have never encounted another vagina). If you do feel less than adequate with what you are packing find your other skill and make up for it. If you arent born with it, learn it.
Women - As a women, you should be gagging for it, probably literally most of the time, its your way of showing love (?) and you should be able to come on demand with two strokes, I personally think that most guys go into sexual encounters with this preconceived notion, I have been asked many many times "are you going to come" and instead of making them feel inadequate I fake it, its easier for everyone. He pats himself on the back, I can go to sleep and the world is at peace again.
Don't get me wrong, I know what I am doing is bad and that it just keeps the vicious cycle rolling but sometimes telling a little white lie is better than hurting someones feelings. Sex should be about learning and growing with your partner and getting them to a point where they are able to incite that reaction from you but unless you are in a relationship with open communication channels this may not be as easily said as done.
From the porn that I have watched it would appear that most girls like to be spoken to dirtily, called names, restrained and just treated roughly. While all of this is ok in certain doses there needs to be a balance. When I was about 23 or 24 I was seeing a guy who thought that it would be awesome to choke me every time we were intimate. The first time was a bit of a startle and I went with it but then I came to realise that was the only way that he could get off. I brought it to his attention and his response was "I know women like it, so just go with it". Where did he get this idea from? Was it a case of art imitating life or life imitating art? I ended up breaking up with him because I didnt feel safe and he wouldnt listen to my concerns. He had seen it on the internet, he knew it all. Apparently.
I am smart enough to realise that there are pros and cons to all situations and porn and masturbating are not any different. A pro of both these things is that you can generally last long in sexual acts (which has a lot to do with desensitisation I think) and it also helps you to realise what you like. If I wasn't to have started to self pleasure how would I have ever been able to direct someone to make me feel pleasure? It certainly expands your ideas about what you are willing to try and I don't think I would have seen a vagina other than my own if I hadn't watched porn. I could have been going through my life feeling self conscious about my garden thinking that it was odd, but now I know that I am pretty normal.
Pornography and Masturbation put strain on our relationships
When the idea first came to me about this blog I threw out a few feelers to get other peoples ideas on the situation and this brought up some pretty large cons for me. A friend of mine has recently gotten married to an amazingly beautiful girl who he loves dearly, he started to watch porn to help him last longer in bed but he has come to see a change in himself and its not really been a change for the good. He was hiding the fact that he was watching porn form his wife, his searches became more extreme and he wasn't able to come unless he went back to porn based fantasies while he was with his wife. He admitted to feeling cheap and dirty about this and like he was cheating on her and that's not a feeling that I can imagine would be a nice one. He shared his secret with her and she was ok with it but I think he still has doubt in his head about enough being enough so has decided to stop it all just to be safe.
Maybe this guy was an extreme case and as I have been single for longer than I care to mention I cant really give much input into the implication on porn and relationships. Is watching porn considered cheating? Would you feel comfortable watching porn with your partner and getting them involved or is it something that you keep as your secret? I can ask the same questions about masturbation. I personally think there is nothing wrong with doing it while you are in a relationship, if you have the urge and they arent available then go for it, generally the more you get, the more you want so it will have a knock on effect. And really there is nothing that compares to the real thing anyway so me masturbating today would not stop me from wanting to have sex tomorrow.
My only long term relationship ended due to problems in the bedroom and as much as I don't like to admit it this is always playing in the back of my head that it could happen again.For this reason I am going to take it back to basics, the bare necessities, because when that next relationship comes knocking at my door I want to be the best me that I can be for them. If that means giving up porn and masturbating then I guess we have to do what we have to do. Its probably not goodbye, its just see you later. There is no hard and fast rule on this and my head is still confused but I am atleast going to give it a crack. Future Kerry may thank me when she can come from two strokes
Love and Thrusts
Miss K
While Googling for pictures I found this link - I dont think my reasons have much to do with god but I guess this shows that it really is an issue.
N.B Maybe all of this has stemmed from that awkwardness that happens when you are watching porn and you accidentally climax in the anticlimatic bit, you know what I mean, it would happen in that moment when they are having some sort of stupid irrelevant conversation and you feel like you have wasted your band width... don't deny, its happened to all of us. Remove the cause, alleviate the problem.
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