Today as I jumped onto the scale at my local Fat Fighters meeting I was dreaming off the giant numbers that would pop up and then everyone would cheer and I would make my way victoriously back to my team, but what actually happened was some over weight lady got onto the scale (with her top on) faced the wall while a silent lady wrote down her weight and handed her back her piece of paper. In case you were wondering I lost 900 grams in the last week, not quiet a Kilo but I am going to say that its a Kilo because I needed to wee and I haven't pooped for a few days so that extra baggage would have been weighing me down. I am getting off topic though, what struck me today was the fact that I hate it when reality isn't like the TV, its a bit disappointing don't you think? Here are some not so like TV moments that spring to mind...
Losing a Million Kilos When Starting a Diet - Seeing this was the thought that started it all off I guess I can start here. When I jumped on the scales today and lost a reasonable 900 grams I should have been happy because that's a great achievement and its the recommended weight loss for sustainability but if I am honest (which I generally am) I was slightly disappointed. See I have been watching The Biggest Loser so I am conditioned to think that losing 5+kg a week is an attainable goal when realistically it isn't. I am not working out three times a day and I have to cook my own meals. It would be pretty awesome if it was 5kg a week because then in a month I would be banging without all this hard work.
Girls Stay Beautiful When working out - I have seen them on the TV, I watch Aerobics Oz Style (actually is that still on?) when they work out they still look amazing, they don't sweat and their hair stays perfect, in reality I get so red faced that I may be mistaken for a tomato and I have sweat literally pouring from me. Either the girls on TV know about some sweat resistant make up that I don't know about or they aren't exercising hard enough. Hmmm I must add "Call Aerobics Oz Style to find out makeup brand" to my list of things to do.
Burgers on TV - mmmm the mouth watering flamed grilled goodness, with its fresh juicy tomato and crisp green lettuce, yes you know what I am talking about. When was the last time you saw a burger that actually had green lettuce on it? I am going to hazard a guess to say never. This kind of reality is OK if its a tried and tested favourite ie/ a Whopper BUT if its something new that you are looking forward to trying you will be filled with disappointment in the fact that what you subscribed to isn't what you actually get. Maybe I am just Naive... who knows
Recipe Book Pictures - I know that I am no Master Chef but I don't do too badly for myself but for the fucking life of me I can never make the food I am cooking looking like the picture that is in the fucking book. WHY!!!!!!! Why do you defy me food, if they can do it I should be able to as well. It says Simple on the Recipe. Why do you lie?
Forever Lipstick - The TV tells me that you can get this lipstick that wont rub off, is never flaky, or never dry etc etc, I always fall for the latest and greatest hoping that this time it will be different but it never is. I can not make my Lipstick last forever and I leave a trail of destruction in my wake and a lot of guys with cover stories to fabricate. I think that possibly I need a make up artist and some studio lights to follow me around all the time just so I am constantly looking at my best.
We are Nearly Finished - On the TV tattoos are quick and painless and its all sunshine and light but really that's not the case and on the TV when they say "We are almost done" means that they are almost done. Let me give you the 4-1-1 when a tattooist says "We are nearly done" you aren't nearly done, they are just telling you that to calm you down and give you a false sense of hope that the stabbing pain shall soon be stopping. I kinda trick myself like this when I am on the cross trainer "You're nearly done, you are nearly done" and slowly it helps the minutes tick by.
Runway Fashion - I am well aware that I am not a size 4 stick model with no bosoms and a stupid fringe so I probably cant get away with most of the fashion that is worn on the runway but clothes in general I guess shit me. It looks amazing on the dummy, it looks amazing when I try it on in the shop but when I get home I have suddenly turned into Gina Rinehart and I look hideous. Why is there a difference between store reality and real life? Them sales people and their clever tricks. Flat Pack Ikea had this theory that stores shoot pheromones into the air and that's what attracted women to them.... I think he may actually be on to it.
Recreational Glamorous Drug Taking - While I haven't done it in years I watch the kids on the TV (I am re-watching Skins at the moment to put it all into perspective) take drugs and they are all beautiful and starry eyed and happy, they dance a lot, have a lot of sex and wake up in the morning feeling chipper. Here is the reality for you, you wont feel great the next day, you may sweat so much that you look like you have pissed yourself and at that moment you realised that grey pants were a terrible idea and you are so scattered that you cant talk or move and you just threw up in the corner. I think if maybe they sold this image to children less people would take drugs. Though saying that I went through this cycle for years and the only thing that I changed was the colour of the pants that I wore.
Graceful Water Nymphs - When I enter the pool the water barely ripples, I dive smoothly in, gracefully breast stroke a few meters under the water and then emerge with my hair billowing gently behind me. When has that ever happened? never that's when. Its more like make a splash that sets of the Tsunami warnings in the Pacific, swim with your retarded left leg (it has a problem going in the right direction) and pop up a few meters later with hair all of your face, gasping for breath. I wish I was one of the graceful ladies that can lower themselves carefully down the steps into the waiting water below, I haven't had a wax for a few weeks so I have to quickly run to the pool and get in before anyone spots the stray hairs on my bikini line.
Reality isn't beautiful and glossy with flawless everythings and bright colours, its dull and awkward and sweaty and a little bit cardboardy. Now that I think about it I might actually stop going out and instead stay home and immerse myself in more TV. Reality is on the outside of my house and really who wants to go there.
Love and Bubble Bursting
Miss K
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