Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Dont call your kid "Retard!!" With great power comes great responsibility

As part of my profession I have to sometimes call various retailers to ask them for appropriate information and on one such call the other day I spoke with a lady called Honey, I wasn't sure if my ears had deceived me so I asked her to repeat it again, alas I was correct. After speaking with Honey it got me thinking about people naming their children and the kind of careers that these names could lead their children into. You know where I am going with this one, parents giving their kids stripper names. Do you want your little darling to grow up and have to flash her gash for cash? If you give your kid a name like Madison, Candy, Honey etc etc you may have already signed its fate.... As a parent you have a responsibility. Here are some other things to  think about when naming your little poop bag

Coolness standing - the name you give your child will probably have a giant bearing on its social status. Give them a cool name, Sure your great great grandma was called Mavis and it may have been cool back in her day but if you were to call your kid that these days they would probably be shunned and turned into a social outcast. That's the beauty of having two names, Mavis is a perfectly good middle name, my middle name is Frances, not really cool enough for a first name but adequate for a second name. I think I was named after my uncles or my granddad or something somewhere in history. My parents always used to joke about calling my sister Wesley Winston Wasley if she was a boy, part of me is sad that they didn't because of the hours of torment that she would have had to endure but probably the main part is happy that they didn't because she would have faced a life of being the fat kid that was teased at school. With a name like Wesley Winston you would never be destined to be cool, kinda like that fat Ginger kid, no matter what you do you will not be able to elevate your social status.

This is a Wesley Winston fo sho

Generation Gaps - I understand that you may want to carry on the tradition of the family name but really having two generations of the same name living in the same house can be confusing. You have Michael Senior and Michael Junior and what happens when someone calls on the phone (well it happened back in the day of home phones) and you have to ask which Michael they would like to speak to? I used to live with a girl called Kerri and trust me that shit got confusing. One day I was napping on the back couch when the phone rang, I sleepily answered it and it was my grandma but because I was half awake I had to ask her which Kerri/y she wanted to talk to. Shit just gets confusing. Allow your child to have its own identity and give it its own unique name. And remember again, they have a middle name for a reason.

Repetition - Here is an idea, I have just had a baby, my last name is a generic first name, so why don't we just call our kid that generic name twice. It will mean that they have to do less learning and only learn how to spell one name instead of two. I know for me it was pesky to have to learn to spell Kerry and Wasley. But just think if my name was Carlo Carlo I would only need to learn to spell once and that would free me up for a world of activities, I could do some colouring or play on the monkey bars (do kids still do that these days?). Thanks Parents. Ummm, no, please, stop. Let your small human be original, give them two separate names. Just think about it, James Bond wouldn't have been as cool if his name was James James "Its James, James James" doesn't really have the same ring to it as "Bond, James Bond"

Spelling Debacles – I understand that you want your child to be an original special flower, you want them to stand out and be noticed, but really should that go to spelling their name in a retarded way to make them unique? There is giving your kid an interesting name and then there is just stupidity. I have come across people in the past who have gotten highly offended when you have misspelled their offspring’s names but if they choose to spell it in the abnormal way what can you expect? It would be like me spelling my name Kherrie, while that works, it’s not common so I would not expect anyone to be able to spell it correctly. If you try to do something with a little bit of flair your child would be in for a life of trouble, always having to spell out their names, never being able to get anything on it with their name on it and getting frustrated that everything that is written to them is incorrectly spelt. Think about it, don’t make your child's life more difficult than it has to be.

Nicknames – Do you want your child to have a terrible nickname, is your little bundle of joy a Shazza or a Dazza? When giving them a name, think about the nicknames that that name may lead to. Kids are shits, don’t give them any ammunition.  It reminds me of a Simpsons Episode where Homer and Marge were trying to think of names for Bart, they were running through all the options and thinking of possible nicknames and seemingly missed the Obvious of Fart (it would be a pretty crappy scene if they had have figured it out though so we will let this one slide) … these are things that you need to think of. When I was small my nickname was Wally Wally because my cousin was retarded and couldn’t say  Kerry and I suppose Wally sounds like Wasley… let’s just say it’s not the most ideal nickname. I also sometimes get called Kezza and I hate that, it’s so Bogan which clearly is not reflective on the personality that I have. While you can’t really account for creative kids and unfortunate surnames it is well within your control with their first name is to mitigate the risk.

This goes with that – Sometimes people have unfortunate surnames and sadly most of the time that can’t be changed so in these cases it’s probably most important to give the kid a suitable first name that can overshadow the crap that may come after it. And sometimes they may have a perfectly normal surname but when mixed with something else can spell disaster for the child for example Mike Hunt or Wayne Kerr. I know we all love Rhyming but maybe keep that out of naming as well, no one wants a Kerry Perri or a Glenda Renda (I would totally also call this person Gender Bender and I am not even a child) so maybe keep your rhyming to your mad flows and your sick beats.

It would appear that children’s names are a bit of a mine field, the name that you give them when they are born will be with them for the rest of their lives so make it something awesome. I have a friend who gave her kid the middle name Danger and that’s rad (not that anyone will probably believe that it is his real middle name) so you can be creative but just don’t be an a/hole about it and don’t give your kids another reason to hate you (because they will hate you at some point or other, guaranteed). Remember with great power comes great responsibility, so go forth and multiply but maybe stick to the classics. Remember its all fun and games for you, but they have to live with it forever.

Love and Labels

Miss K

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