I was on going on a trip to Japan a few years ago and to keep me out of trouble my close friend Krystal made me up an activity bag. It was full of the normal activity items like colouring books and pencils and puzzle books but what really set this activity pack apart from the rest of the activity packs was the inclusion of a YoYo. Well this YoYo served me well, it travelled Japan safely and securely and came home to entertain me only to meet its maker shortly after my return (I think it was at the hands of the Hippy House mate but I cant be 100% sure on that, lets blame him anyway). I was bitterly disappointed about the demise of my YoYo and decided that I would buy myself a shiney new one to fill the void. I made an executive decision to spend a few dollars extra to get myself one that would last, so I got myself a real flash one, flashing lights and all and on the first Yo down it exploded into a million pieces and scattered all over the floor of the shop. I was left holding the string with a broken heart while my poor YoYo rolled its way to oblivion. It was one of those moments when you realise that life is full bitter disappointment and a few extra dollars cant save you when life wants to fuck you, here are some other ones.
Its Saturday, its sleep in day, you have nothing to do but lounge around and eat everything that is in sight, but only you cant sleep, you are awake earlier than you would be on a work day. Why have you forsaken me body clock? What did I ever do to you. I am just going to mess you up later when you force me to have an afternoon nap to get over my sleepiness. You really have no one to blame but yourself, so you take the time to think about it while I have kip.
Having a seat next to you on a crowded flight, silently celebrating your good fortune as the Trolley Dolly announces that they are going to be shutting the doors, when out of no where a wild eye passenger comes running across the tarmac and out of all the free seats, sits in that one next to you. I hate being crammed into the middle seat, I need room to breath and space to frequently toilet without having to put my bits in someones face. It is always a toss up whether you put the front or the back in, I am always a bit shy about putting my vagina in any ones face so I tend to put the back in.
N.B this can sometimes actually work out as a positive, on one flight back from Perth recently I ended up sitting next to this super rad girl who drew me a picture and it turned out that she knew my ex and her story was similar to mine. I have the drawing pinned to my fridge and it always makes me smile when I look at it.
Popping the plug on your favourite pair of thongs (or a blowout for WA folks). This actually happened to me yesterday, these thongs are coming into their second year and are so thin that I can feel every stone that I walk on BUT they are perfectly formed to my feet and I feel an affinity with them. Ive pushed the plug back through but I know that was the death rattle and it is time to admit to defeat and get some new ones…. But I shall stay resistant until the last….
Getting to the end of a highly anticipated book that you have read all 400 pages in 3 days only to have it not actually end and leaving you to make up your own mind about what is happening and where the characters are going to go. I am looking at you Tim Winton!!!!!! I read so I don’t have to use my brain, don’t ruin that for me or I shall throw your stupid book in disgust, curse you out to facebook and then proceed to buy your next book because this time it might be different (isn’t that the way of all doomed relationships?)
Putting an engine together only to find it wont turn, this one is really a double edged sword I have found. On one rebuild I turned it over by hand and it just wouldn’t move, it was stopped solid. I swore and I ranted and raved and started pulling everything off only to find there was a renegade bolt nicely wedged into one of the teeth on the time belt which was stopping it from moving. Days worth of work undone by one tiny screw (but thank goodness I had turned it by hand and not tried to turn it with the key otherwise all of my work would have gone up in smoke. Literally. As a side note CA timing belts have caused me nothing but trouble. THREE TIMES!!!!)
Needing to fart so badly that you have stomach pains, you aren't sure if its going to be quiet or loud so you cant risk letting it out and you are surrounded by people and then when one person goes, another one shows up. Holding farts in is bad for you, its where bad ideas come from. I always need to fart at the most terrible times, like in lifts or at the waxer or when I am using the toilet at work and there are other people using the cubicles next to me. I don't know why I am so embarrassed by farts, it might be because sometimes even they make my eyes water and I don't want to inflict that on anyone else.
Having an overwhelming urge to do number twos, like touching cloth spec, one cough and you're done spec which sees you rushing to the toilet and your pants being undone and ready to go before you ever get there. After the subsequent evacuation and feeling of elation knowing that you made it and you didn’t shit yourself, you turn to the side and realise that you are in fact out of toilet paper. We all know this feeling, we have all been there. What happens next is an awkward waddle with your pants down and your arse cheeks as far apart as possible so you don’t spread you defecation any further than you need to, to get some toilet paper, or some tissues, or a rag.. I am thankful that I have always been able to find something and I have learnt to always scan before I destroy the pan.
Getting to the front of the line for something you really want only to have it taken by the person in front of you. This happened to me at the royal Melbourne show (which as a little side FYI, was a pretty big disappointment, it was so small compared to Perth) whilst lining up for the CWA scones, after waiting for 10 minutes we got to the front of the line only to be told they were all out and we would need to wait another 20 minutes. Oh I waited alright but it was shear depressive hell, standing and smelling something so amazing that wasn’t available to me to eat. I taught myself how to make scones after that just as a big FU to the CWA (actually I don’t really mean that CWA, I plan to join your ranks one day, I am a scone expert, I don’t really want to live in the country though, will that be a problem?)
Going to drink the final dregs of your beer only to realise that you have already used it to extinguish your cigarette. I don’t actually smoke so this was one from my peanut gallery but I can see it being an issue. You are drunk but still trying to do your bit for the environment by not dropping your butts on the floor, how convenient, there is an empty bottle in front of you, only its not empty, and without noticing you are about to be in for a world of discomfort (and at least now you know what all us non smokers go through when we kiss you, how do you like licking an ashtray?)
Going home with someone who talks their parts up to the extreme only to find out that they have pulled the proverbial wool over your eyes. I once met a guy that referred to his junk as the titanic, but let me tell you something, he was no Titanic and he surely didn't sink into a wet depth (I always wonder about guys that claim to be all that, either they have been lied to extensively or they watch a lot of Asian porn)
No one said that life was going to be easy, all we can do is jump the hurdles and try our best to put our disappointments behind us. May your legs be strong, your farts be silent and the next seat always be empty.
Love and Leaps
Miss K
Miss K
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