"Shitty" Super Powers

Having recently gotten Netflix I decided to rewatch one of my favourite shows and have a little bit of housemate bonding in the process. There is this English Series called Misfits which is about people that get super powers because of a freak storm. It follows the adventures of the main characters while they try to navigate life with their new found abilities and all the hilarity that ensues. Some people have cool powers like being able to turn back time, or read other peoples thoughts, while others have less cool powers like being able to control Dairy Products. While walking to the train station today I wished that I had the ability to make people walk faster and it lead me to thinking about other not so Super Powers that might be ok to have.

I would like the power to... control the speed of other peoples walking.You may not have anywhere to be but my train is due in two minutes and I still have a few hundred metres to stride. Just go that little bit faster. I could control them to be like the bow of the boat smashing though the ice to get me to the main land (in this case, Platform 1 for the 5.15 South Morang)

I would like the power to... make food the precise temperature for consumption without having to wait. I don't like having to wait, this is probably why I eat a lot of my foot tepid because I need the food now and not in one more minute.

I would like the power to... wear 5 inch stilettos without my feet hurting after a few hours. I would never have to be that girl, my calves would always look amazing and those dresses and jeans would just Pop. Oh yeah, then I would also have a weapon on hand to stab people if I needed (please note I said, if I needed, as yet in life I haven't needed to, but I have thought about it)

I would like the power to... always get a good seat on public transport. You know those single seats where you can stretch your legs out and not worry about banging knees with the person in front of you. That one. And facing the right way. Preferably with the added bonus of having the seat next to me free to put my bag on but I don't want to be greedy

I would like the power to... bring food back from the dead. That delicious thing that you wanted to eat but you forgot about and it expired two days ago... yeah. Back, in all its delicious fresh glory. 

I would like the power to... make clean linen. Want fresh sheets every day but cant be bothered with the arduous chore of changing and washing and folding and making? Never fear, Linen Cleaner is here. One swipe of a hand and all your linens are fresh and soft and clean. I hear you asking "What about stains?", stains are a thing of the past with this power. 

I would like the power to... block out annoying noises. For example, people making food noise, people talking loudly on their phones on public transport (yeah bitch who sits across from me EVERY afternoon and says Like a lot, I am talking about you), the droney noise of an Auto exhaust, Harley Davidson Motor Bikes. I have very sensitive hearing I guess and my life would be better without these things in it. 

I would like the power to... control traffic lights. you would think that I would use it to always give me the green light, but I would sit at a red light if it meant infuriating people that were being wankers. You know the ones, people that split through lanes to try and get ahead... but then you meet them at the next set of lights... yeah those people. 

I would like the power to... fall asleep on demand. If I go to sleep NOW I will have 6 hours and 37 minutes sleep before I have to get up. BANG. ASLEEP. And god damn those 6 hours and 37 minutes would be glorious. 

I would like the power to... Control Music. I want to listen to this song and then its on, no having to scroll through play lists or worrying when you forget the name of the song. One thought and the music would be coming out of your speakers so that you can sing at the top of your lungs while you are waiting at the traffic light that you turned to red, just to piss people off. Make them wait at the Lights AND have to deal with my singing.

So really, I guess it isn't the about the power, it is how you use it. 

Love and Levitating (not a power that I think I would want, I get motion sickness) 

Miss K

Sneaky Adult Excitements

I am 33 in two months, yep that's right 33. Holy Shit right? I had my moment of freaking out about turning 25 and  then about turning 30 and then 31 crept up I had a little freak out about that as well. So who knows what 33 might be like, I am thinking about maybe doing a wine tour, because I am an adult and that's what adults do. To be honest though, I have been noticing lately little adult things that I find strangely satisfying and kinda calming, so here they are...

Clearing my Inbox out - the other day I got to work and had 47 emails, I left with only 8 in my inbox. I was pretty god darn excited. Its like you can visibly see all the work that you have done (and I didn't even delete them, I totally dealt with them). High five for being an efficient worker and getting shit done. Whoooo, go me. 

Having a clean kitchen - EVERY DAY. Don't worry the irony is not lost on me, most of these things are centred around having clean / fresh / clutter free spaces and as mentioned in my last video blog this is polar opposites of what I used to be when I was in my early 20s. But man it does feel really good to look around your kitchen and see nothing but clean bench space. And when the dishes are done, that's one less chore to do and that means that I am closer to the time where I can do things that I love. Mainly Nothing. I love doing nothing... which leads me to my next point.

Doing Nothing - When someone asks me what I am doing on the weekend, do you know what my favourite answer is? Nothing. Yep that's right. A big fat nothing. I love sitting at home and watching TV and laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. Who knew that doing nothing could be more fun than actually doing things.The idea of having to put pants on, do my hair and slap on a face is sometimes more than I believe I can handle. 

The succulents that I have on my window sill growing and sprouting - I get excited every time I go to the sink because 1. It means I am probably cleaning and 2. those little suckers are growing and sprouting and bringing life to my life. That's shits awesome and I did that (and as a side note they are growing in Fake Arse Jordan 4s and they look pretty ballin). Life is good in succulent land. I have had these plants for 3 years and while they were surviving, they certainly weren't thriving.... who knew what a bit of water could do?

Clean Sheets and new bed linen - In the last two months I have purchased three new bed spreads and a couple of pillows and it was exhilarating. There is no better feeling on a Saturday than putting clean sheets on and getting in to bed and wiggling all around in the tight goodness. Mmm sweet sweet tight goodness. I never really cared for home decorating and home decor but since I got my awesome new bed I have really wanted to create a good looking space, you know, just so I don't let the bed down. 

Having an empty clothes hamper - who knew I liked to do washing. Might have something to with having a good washing machine now but seeing the bottom of the basket and having everything to wear at my disposal at the start of the week is pretty wonderful. Also another positive of suburb life is that my washing line is ALLLL mine and I don't have to worry about the people in my complex stealing my under garments (not that I thought they would, or that I think I am worthy of stalking but we live in a world of possibilities so I needed to keep these thoughts around and I do have expensive sheets, If I didn't own them, I would probably want to steal them)

Vacuuming - or more specifically using the Dyson. Man if you haven't vacuumed with a Dyson you haven't really lived. I know that's a big statement but ask anyone that has Dysoned and they will be with me on this one.I vacuum my house every week (or every couple of days if I am feeling adventurous) and its a pleasure, it doesn't even feel like a chore and at the end of it the carpet is clean and dust free and that's gotta be good for my health.

Finding a good Avocado - those fucks are $3.50 a pop so don't you even tell me that you don't get a little jolt of happiness when you cut it open and its beautiful soft and green. Mmmm squishy green 

People asking me for directions - I was walking home from work the other day and a Kiwi Lady asked me where to go for shopping and of course being the good host that I am, I was able to point her in the direction of some good bars with great happy hour specials as well. I wanted to be a tour guide around the city but apparently you actually need to be a local of the city to do that.... piffle. I think I would rock at it, just ask the Kiwi Lady (she is probably drunk by now so would only have complementary things to say)

Old people talking to me on public transport - Its been happening more and more and I actually love it. I am making an effort to stay off my phone while I am commuting and the opportunities that this has bought me to talk to people are really paying for themselves. People are nice, but I think we always distract ourselves so much that we don't give them a chance to show us that they are.

Home Design Shows - and along the similar line, cooking shows. I want to be a domestic goddess and run a house hold full of designer homewares (granted its all Kmart but their homewares are rocking and if you haven't checked them out, you probably should get on to that. Like Now!!!) 

Grandma Underpants - High waisted cotton tails, yes please. Like I am not even kidding. I love Nanna Knickers. They tuck in the little pouch that I seem to have grown over the years and they keep everything tight when I want to go out and drink a lot of beer. Also not worrying about my plumbers crack showing is an added bonus. One time I was bending down to get something and someone shoved a straw down my bottom channel... I was unimpressed by this, if only I had know about Nanna Knickers back then.

So yeah, as you can tell being an adult isn't the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Its all about seeing the silver linings and cheaper insurance (I just got a car, its something that I need to consider these days)

Love and Laugh Lines

Miss K 

Things to do while waiting for public transport....

For those of you that don't know, I have recently moved from the city fringe life to the Northern Suburbs for a bit of a sea change (read, I was sick of being a broke arse negro and wanted to be closer to my friends) and so far its all been going well. Well as well can be expected when you are dealing with the rigours of public transport. I am now on the South Morang line and in the last few weeks its been having a couple of problems (don't worry, I see the links as much as the rest of you) and during the down time that has ensued I have had some time to think about the things that we could do to make the time pass that little bit quicker... 

Speed Dating - Because when else will you have hundreds of men in your presence in a line just waiting for you (or technically the bus that will take them on to their destination but who is splitting hairs here). They aren't going to get out of the line, they have nothing else to do and when you are done with one you can move on to the next. I cant see any down sides here. 

Story Time - You know how I like telling stories (this blog has been going for four years after all), well just think of the audience that I would have. Sure I would make sure that my stories are PG because there are children present and I don't want a lynch mob on my hands. When I was younger I didn't have a lot of friends so in my lunch times I used to go to the school library and read books to the younger kids... this is the same thing, just on the grown up scale. 

Chinese Whispers - Do you remember sitting in a circle at school and playing Chinese whispers... nothing ever ended the way that it started but it was always pretty hilarious when it got to the end. Who knows if people changed it on purpose or some people just have bad hearing but what ever the reason, it was a nice little way to pass the time. Imagine doing it with five hundred people.Everyone standing and eagerly waiting for it to get to the end and the hilarity that will follow. 

Write/Draw a line - I used to love doing these. We could hand out bits of paper and break up in to groups (without leaving the line of course) and see where our creativity flows. I write the first line of the story, leave you a few words as a crumb trail and you carry on the story and so on and so forth... Alien Princess Monkeys wearing cowboy boots and eating tacos could possibly be the next best seller but we will never know unless we give it a chance to flourish

Become an Entrepreneur - The opportunities are endless. If you were smart and you owned an ice cream truck, or were a Big Issue Seller you would head to the station where the disruption is to cash in. Everyone wants ice cream and something to read while they are waiting in line. Also for us Gingers, someone coming around with Suncream would be a great help (though if you are true to the ginger life you would have your own in your bag, which like I totally do) 

 

So to all of those on the South Morang Line, I am sorry that your train line started having problems when I showed up. I hope that being mildly annoying and incredibly hilarious made your times waiting for the bus more bearable and as much as you were awesome, I hope that we never have to share this time and experience again (though if we do, as above, I have a plan). All I can say is, thank god for my new phone. The battery life on that thing is amazing so leaving work at 4.30 and getting home at 8 is no matter for me. Got me some sweet tunes and some Jenna Marbles videos... life is good.

Love and Ludicrous Ideas 

Miss K  

P.S I know that people like to get home to their families and have things on and these situations can be really stressful and frustrating but don't be a jerk. Everyone is in the same position as you and happy to wait in line to get to where they need to go. Abusing the PTV officers and the people standing in line around you isn't going to make the line go any quicker and it just makes you look like a Butthead. Don't be that guy, because people like me will make up hilarious comments to voice to the people standing close to them and everyone will laugh at you. And I ain't even sorry. Just remember you bought this all on yourself.

For the love of Hashtags

As the years march on, I think everyone gets that little bit more conscious of their health. We start to realise that we aren't as young as we used to be and we cant fill our bodies with booze and junk food like we did when we were in our 20s. Since the invention of social media the whole getting fit thing has become big business. There are people that have their whole career and lively hood which started as an Instagram page (ie. Kayla Istines... who, by the way, is amazing, but when you do her workouts you feel like you might die. Legit). There are a whole heap of hashtags that are specifically centered around being fit and active and maybe its just me but I am getting a bit worn down by them. 

Que a few weeks ago and an interaction with a friend of mine that is on a body transformation journey, he is doing amazing. He has shed a whole heap of weight, been watching what he eats and putting in the long hours at the gym and I am immensely proud of him. But there has to be a point when the people around you kinda need you to stop. What I am talking about is the multiple daily snap chats about the gym and the food adventures that he is taking to get to his goal (or the complaining about the food that he is eating in the effort to get ripped).  On one particular foul mooded day (though it seems increasingly that this is just my normal state and happy moods are a rarity) after about the third #fitspo inspired snap chat I received, I  had enough. I have no qualms in admitting that I am a bitch... its kinda my brand, so with this in mind, I took a photo of the ground and sent back #unsubscribe. I was done, no more #fitspo sharing for me. It also stemmed the below Vlog. I got drunk, got hilarious and recorded my thoughts on the Hashtag epidemic that is sweeping the globe. Enjoy... (hopefully)

Maybe its because I am old and sometimes have difficulties reading the hash tags (thought I certainly have gotten better) or maybe its because I am an in an eternal loop of arseholeness and like to find reasons to hate the world but these ones just mildly annoy me. It doesn't stop me from using social media though, because if I turned it off, who knows what I would miss out on. And on that note I don't think any age is immune from the need to be part of the FOMO generation.

In this video, I especially like the Pizza Bit. Hawaiian with hot Salami. Yessss!!!! 

Love and Laughs 

Miss K

More to Cum!

The other day a friend suggested that I should start a Vlog, like a blog but the main difference being instead of you guys having to read my words, you could look at my beautiful face while I spew them in your direction. I thought about it and decided that it would be a novel idea and that I should probably give it a go. So the other night I did, and let me tell you, recording myself is much harder than this writing stuff that I pretend to do, and add to that the fact that I had to put a face on, do my hair, change out of my white top I was wearing because I was disappearing in to the wall behind me and I actually had to think on my feet. It turned out not as badly as one would expect from ones first foray in to cinema (I know its surprising but I have never made back yard porn). So here it is, my first Vlog, its called "Semen Sharing"

But wait, there is more, I have realised on watching this back that there was so much on this topic that wasn't actually covered and I feel like it needs to be. To give you back ground on the story, a friend of mine (who alarmingly I have just realised does not have an alias and probably should) was saying the other night while we were out dining that he was under the impression that Australian girls did not like copping a load on them during the closing moments of Coitus and because he was programmed to think this, on encountering a European Princess instead of offending her, he got up and ran to the bathroom to finish himself off. While I laughed at his story, it left me with some (more) questions

Should I be taking it on my face? - I was of the illusion that anywhere below the neck is fine but on further investigations I am starting to think that maybe I am the one that is lacking here. 90% of women I have spoken to about this topic have said that in past, they have let their gentle fellows cum on their face and it was acceptable (As long as it wasn't in their eyes or in their hair). I find the whole idea incredibly disrespectful so have never let anyone near it... maybe I have been going about it wrong this whole time? maybe I am missing out on an amazing face mask and a great source of protein that is cheaper that pre-work out. I don't know that I will change my mind but I might at least think about it... maybe.

Does it Kill the mood? - the general consensus is yes it would, one minute you are having a grand ol' time and the next, old mate is up and trotting to the John. No doubt you are confused and possibly questioning if he ate a bad burrito for dinner. The same goes for you ladies, if he has deposited, don't get up and run straight to the bathroom to do the sit and cough (don't even pretend to not know what I am talking about). You are missing out on one of the nice bits (supposedly) of intimacy, The post coital glow and cuddling. So lets just get it straight, you need to lay there in your filth until a mutual agreeable time that you go to clean up, either by yourself or with you partner. There is nothing like that shared shower experience after all. I hope you realise that we are in a drought , its import to try and find ways to conserve water. 

But what about what I want? - maybe I am odd but I can see the appeal in being the receptacle for your significant others offerings. There is something sexy and dirty and hot about copping a load in your chosen area but in the past I have been with guys that have been unwilling to do that for me. From my experience (as limited in recent years as it is) if you say to a guy "cum where you like" 9 times out of 10 they are going to want to come inside you. Which is fine too but despite asking repeatedly to multiple partners I have been unable to get them to agree to play target practice with my chest and this issue perplexes me..... is it me? Is there something wrong with me? Its me isn't it?

I am going to sit here and start asking myself the hard questions, so then when the time comes for me to get freaky I will have the answers. And in case you were wondering, yes he did go back to cuddle.

Love and Second Cummings

Miss K

So I finally joined Tinder...

Yeah, I know, I know, by joining the Grind I go against everything that I wrote about in my previous post but hey, I thought that I might see if anyone was out there to light my fire (see what I did there) and I guess I was curious. We are three days deep in this adventure and it has been.... interesting. I didn't realise that I was such a judgmental arse hole (well maybe I did) but I have realised that going on Tinder is like shopping at the Op Shop, there is a lot of shit that you have to sift through in order to find that designer shirt bargain. Here are the reasons for swiping to the Left. 

Who Are You? - If I have to sift through five photos full of people I am going to give up. Which one are you? Why are you hiding with your #squad? Trying to show off that you have friends? I have friends as well, you aren't that special.

Likes: 420 - No shit, this is actually a thing. I see it every couple of profiles and it makes me wonder when getting high became cool? Look, I know a lot of my friends do it and that's fine, but I know them. I don't know you, for all I know you are the biggest bong head ever and will steal all my snacks. Ain't no body got time for snack stealing. 

No Blurb - Maybe this comes from the fact that I am a writer but Jesus cunts, take the 2 minutes to write a little something something about yourself. One dude wrote the Fresh Prince of Bel Air lyrics, Mass respect to that guy.

Negative Nancies - dude, you are on Tinder, I don't want a rant of what you don't want. I get enough nagging from my Nan. Your first impression isn't great.

Gym Mirror Selfies / Abs - no. Just no. Maybe its just because I am jealous that I don't have wash board abs and have not perfected the art of the mirror selfie but I don't know that I want to compete with your ego and protein pills. Though good for you for keeping in shape, I wish I had your dedication.

Not Chunky Enough - I like my men like I like my Salsas. Chunky (and red?). I am attracted to the big burly wood chopper lads and if you are a skinny mini you probably arent for me. I will admit that in my real life, I have crushed on the non Chunky but thats because I can be attracted to their aura. Or something. 

No Picture - because I like building relationships on hopes and dreams as well. 

Posing on Luxury Cars - I know this one might be a bit left of field because I am a "car girl" but I am not impressed by your toys (and secretly I think that maybe you just saw it on the road and got your mate to take a photo of it while no one was looking). Same goes with if you have heaps of photos of your car / motorbike / boat. Yeah I get you have interests and hobbies, but I am more interested in you that whats you drive. 

Yo, it would appear that Beyone was on to something  when she sung To the Left, To the Left. So many guys, to the left. And incase you were wondering, its going ok, everyone I swipe right to has generally swiped right to me already. Started a few conversations, deleted a few people because they were flogs, said yes to meeting a guy for a drink... making progress (I hope I have made you proud Katrina). Though dudes, I know I am good looking but clearly not good enough looking to be a Bot Sex Scammer so its ok to say hello first because I'm running out of amazing opening liners (9/10 times I have made the first move) 

Love and Lefting 

Miss K

Holiday Questions

Finally, FINALLY I have a job that closes over Christmas and let me tell you, it has been glorious, all that time off for activities and sleeping. Not having to go about the daily Grind of Tram Life, Glorious I tell you. I spent the first two weeks of my Holidays visiting family in Perth and was run off my feet visiting a few people every day so now I have come back to Melbourne and am engaging in some down time, and along with that there has been some Holiday thoughts. 

What day is it? no, really, what day is it? - Thankfully I take the pill and yesterday it told me that it was Thursday. Good Guy Contraception 

Where am I? - and while I am at it, what time zone am I in? oh its 1 o'clock in the afternoon, I should probably wake up, even though technically I am still on WA time so its only 10am and that's a totally acceptable time to sleep to. Don't Judge Me. 

Do I really need to put on underwear to go to the Supermarket? - heck, why am I even asking this question, I live in Brunswick and pretty much anything goes, I think I have washed in the last few days and I don't look like I got my clothes from the bin so I am kicking goals already. No Underwear it is.

Hmm, how much water have you drunk today? - I know you have only been awake for two hours our of the last 24 but I think you need to up your water intake, your pee is starting to turn fluro. 

Is this the same show I saw this morning on the cooking channel - yes it is, probably means you should change the channel or go to bed. You already know how to cook those amazing fish tacos that were aired today. Yes, I know fish tacos are delicious. GO TO BED. 

When was the last time I had a shower / washed my hair / left the house - if you have to ask these questions, the answer is probably too long ago. I am pretty sure I showered yesterday though. I totally don't smell, I just checked. 

I'm Bored, I think I might join Tinder - and so far it has been everything that I thought it was going to be, I haven't got a dick pic yet but I got a fully erotic story, but just a word of the wise, its very hard to be turned on by someone that doesn't know the difference between there, their and they're. You took the time to write the prose, maybe take the time to get your spelling and grammar correct. 

God this book is terrible - but I am 80% of the way through and even though I know it is going to have a happy ending and they are going to end up together forever this one may surprise me so I better keep reading just in case. 

Its 11am and I have just gotten up, is it OK to drink the Cider in the fridge - I think that I am a bit lost for direction, I don't have anything to do so I may as well get drunk. Why not, YOLO, etc etc. 

Maybe its a good thing that I am going back to work on Monday, my liver and my personal hygiene might suffer if I am holidays for any longer. 

Love and Lounging 

Miss K