Toot Toot Fart Fart

I would like to dedicate this post to Shaun - not because he likes to fart (well maybe he does but thats neither here nor there) but because he wanted a shout out. So here it is

Lets take a trip down into the gutter, into the smelly loud mysterious land of human flatulence. I dont think it matters if you are 5 or 50, farts are funny (and if you dont laugh I think there might possibly be something wrong with you). The escaping of this noxious gas provides hours of entertainment with only a few seconds of disgust. Here is a little known fact about me, if there was a world championship of farts I'm pretty sure that I would be in the running for taking out the grand prize. I've got a lot of wind and it feels the need to escape my body at regular intervals, generally at high decibals.

This skill was realised during my early childhood when my father remarked to my mother on the not so glorious smell that had escaped from me. When a baby can make a grown man gag (and my dad was a big manly man) you know you are onto a winner. Its a skill that Ive worked on and cultivated over the years. I will admit that sometimes I am scared to show case my skills because I think that something may have crawled inside me and died and it even makes my eyes water, I dont know if its far to unleash that on the world.

Whilst farts can be funny they can also be extremely embarrassing. As mentioned in my last blog my lifes most embarrassing moment was caused by untimely flatulence. I tried to be a dilligant student but will admit that sometimes school just didnt have the interest to hold my attention and couple this with my rebellious teenage streak and my inherent inability to sleep, sometimes I was led to having small "power" naps in class. One such day in a very boring human biology glass, my eyes started to close and my head stated to nod and before I knew it I was in the land of slumber. I'm not sure how much time had passed but I was startled awake by a sound followed by loud raucous laughter. Turned out the noise had infact come from my own posterior in the form of an audible fart. Thankfully the token hated fat kid was in my class and he took the blame and the brunt of the laughter and I as sure as hell wasn't going to correct them. I would apologise to him now BUT I tried to be nice to him in school (mostly out of sympathy) and he was always an arsehole in return, so suffer in your (or in this case mine) jocks. 

The thing with farts is that you are never really alone, it is as if the universe goes "Hey, I see what you did there, let me send you someone to revel and share in your glory". It doesnt matter where you are, if you feel the need, and take a quick glance around and see you are alone and decide to squeeze one out, someone WILL show up. When out in public this is not so bad, you can walk away like nothing ever happened but if you are alone in a confined space, sorry to say you have to wear this one all yourself. I have been caught out many a time while I had my own office. No one would have come to see me all day but as soon as I farted someone would walk in and I would have to continue my conversation while pretending that everything was normal and thankfully they were generally polite enough to not say anything. I've now worked out how to combat this, let it out and then leave, no one will go into your office if you aren't there, it really is the perfect crime. 

Funnily enough it would appear that your Telstra Automated service doesnt understand the language of the arse. Like so many other disgruntled Telstra customers I had a bill enquiry and had to call up to get it rectified. On going through and saying what I was after, I felt the familiar rumble in my stomach that soon turned into a rumble in the jungle, to which the Automated Telstra Operator replied "I'm sorry, I do not understand what you require, please repeat your request". I dont know if I should be proud or mortified that my arse was powerful enough to register with the Automator. I ended up having to hang up and call back later because I was laughing so hard. 

I think this is what answers the phone when you call

There is always the tricky etiquette of passing wind whilst in the presence of your significant other. Early on in the relationship, it is def a no go. The first time I farted in front of Ikea Flat Pack I was so mortified that I wanted to die, it was one of those cheeky ones that slips out just as you are about to drift off to sleep. It startled me back to life and I lay there panicking that he wouldn't like me anymore. In reality though he probably didn't even hear it. Overtime though my defenses dropped and I was root toot tooting all over the country side. Oddly enough though in the 5 years we were together I heard him pass wind twice, and neither of those times I think I was meant to hear, its strange that a man doesn't fart, clearly I wore the pants in that relatinship in more ways than one. 

The earlier that you bring flatulance into the equation in a relationship the more comfortable things will become (which may not always be a good thing). Early on in the piece with the Army Brat (and by early I'm talking about two weeks) we were snuggling on the couch when he started poking my stomach and tickling me, I warned him if he didn't stop I would be forced to fart on him and rather cockily he replied "You wouldn't dare" Well you can imagine his shock and surprise when the vibration travelled up his leg, but to my defence I did warn him. I should probably take this time to point out that our relationship was short lived and possibly it maybe had something to do with my flatulence. Farting is one thing but pooping is another thing, I still went home every day to do that.

By far the funniest story I've ever heard about farting though happened to a close friend of mine in her teenage years. Whilst on shift one day she felt the need to fart and on looking around couldn't see anyone so let it go, as if to prove my point that someone will ALWAYS appear, one of her work mates and a small child radiated towards her at that exact moment. On smelling the pungent odour in the air the workmate proclaimed "OH MY GOD that kid shat himself" seeing the easy out she acted disgusted and pulled a face and exclaimed loudly "My god, that is so disgusting, that kid did shit himself". So the small poor innocent child was blamed for the ass assault of an adult. She ended up owning up last year to the truth and the workmate was shocked and said he would need to change his story because for years he had been telling people the story of the little kid shitting himself in the underwater discovery. 

I think I just sharted

Even the smelliest of farts that make your eyes water and your stomach turn can bring you closer to someone and help you to build lasting memories (Thanks Brendan and Darren, my Japan wouldn't have been the same without your arses). If you ever get to the point where you don't find farts funny then I really think its time to reassess life. If you are lucky enough to have me fart around you feel privileged, yes it may make you want to vomit, but it also means I actually care enough about you to give you everything that I have 

Love and Poo Particles 

Miss K 

P.S farting is also a great way of getting rid of Telemarketers, just one root toot down the phone and they wont be calling you back for a while 

P.P.S If you fart in someone else's car when they are putting in fuel, don't forget to wind down the windows. You don't want them to come back to a nasty surprise 

P.P.P.S Why do farts smell so terrible in the shower and why does the urge to fart always come during adult relations (and no not what what in the butt relations either) 

When I was a wee one - life through the ages

I had a troubled childhood, I was always that stinky whingey kid that no one really liked or wanted to sit next to. Some of this though could have been from my own doing, with my stupidness repelling people from me or some of it could have been forced upon me by my surrounding family members... I guess we will never actually really know. Lets take a walk down memory lane into the land of childhood Kerry

Kerry Age 4 - Running behind my mums car as she was driving off down the road screaming for her to come back and telling my Grandma that she couldn't tell me what to do because she wasn't my mum was probably not my life's smartest moments. Pro-Tip, Grandmas do have as much pull as mums

COME BACK!!!!!!!!

Kerry Age 5 - I had been a good girl so as a special treat I got to stay in my mums bed while she went out. Being the artistic child that I was, I decided that I needed to permanently make my mark on the world. This was done with some black eye liner and a back to front R in Kerry (only one back to front the other one was the correct way) and a number 5. Even at that age I knew to sign my work. I don't think I got to sleep in my mums bed for a while after that 

Kerry Age 6 - Whilst having an extended stay in Indonesia I was in need of a hair cut and being the big girl that I was my mum let me pick what hair cut I wanted. I chose a beautiful picture off the wall not realising what the back looked like. I walked out with a Rattie and cried for days. My poor mother was terribly embarrassed of the demon child's behaviour (there is a photo of me with said rattie and my pants on backwards that my sister is trying to find, I will post it for your amusement if it shows its head)

Very similar to this style

Kerry Age 7 - Being the ever worried parent my mum thought it important to keep our necks warm by forcing us to wear skivvys to school. All the kids referred to me as "No Neck" and both myself and my sister cant wear skivvys to this day without feeling like we are being choked. Pretty sure I was a mutha fuckin Wiggle before that shit was even cool 

What you doing to me women?

Kerry Age 8 - We moved schools to a tiny country town, on my first day at said new school I sat on a bench to eat my lunch and on sliding back to give myself some more room I managed to fall off the end of the bench, spill my lunch all over myself and show the world my knickers. Co-Ordination - clearly a strong point 

Kerry Age 9 - My darling sister decided to remodel my mouth and thought the best way of doing this was by smashing my head into the bottom of a tile bath. Being concerned about the reaction of my father I was told if I spoke at dinner she would hurt me more, she orchestrated a devious plan so that she would talk for me so he wouldn't see my teeth. It worked for a while I think 

Just like this, not obvious at all

Kerry Age 10 - This was the year I learnt to fly, Superman spec. We had a vegie patch and we were growing pumpkins, on finding a pumpkin sprouting I ran inside to get my sister so she too could enjoy the pumpkin experience with me. It went something along the lines of "Tracy Tracy come quickly there is a pumpkin" and on turning to run back outside my toes caught on the door frame. I got airborn, flew through the air at a great rate of knots and belly flopped the concrete floor HARD

Kerry Age 11 - Spelling wasn't my strong point at school, whilst on school holidays with our cousins we were writing insulting letters to each other, apparently writing "I wish you would cermit Silverside" is not as cutting as "I wish you would commit Suicide" 

Do us all a favour right!!!

Kerry Age 12 - There was a bit of sibling rivalry, as I think is pretty common place, but I managed to combat this by being able to yell much much louder than my sister. If I wanted to get her into trouble all I needed to do was yell "TRACYYYYY" really loudly and my dad would yell at her and tell her to leave me alone (I should feel guilty because normally she wasn't doing anything wrong but I don't, remember she did smash my front teeth)

Kerry Age 13 - Getting my first Bikini and thinking that I was pretty god darn amazing. I remember wearing it under my white school shirt and thinking I was top shit. Well turns out that everyone else didn't agree, there is video footage going something along the lines of "she looks stupid" ahh the kids, they are so judgemental in my quest for style 

Kerry Age 14 - Awkward high school year, moved schools from a whole school with 200 people to a school that had 200 people in my year group alone. Feeling pretty nervous and flustered on my first day with all the people, walking up the stairs to try and find my class and I tripped sending my back pack flying forward into the back of my head smashing my face into the stairs.... moments like this are golden 

Kerry Age 15 - One of my jobs as a teenager was picking up the rotten fruit and putting it in the bin, one fine day I had collected two bucket loads of rotten peaches and was on a merry trip to the bin to deposit them, living in the hills we had a steep gravel driveway, being the clumsy little mite that I am, I lost my footing and slipped down the driveway and tipped two buckets of rotten peaches all over myself. So not only did everyone get a great laugh but I was forced to pick up the fruit AGAIN!!!!!!!

a bucket of this chased me down a hill

Kerry Age 16 - I suffered from Insomnia in my later teenage years and as a result of this I found it difficult to stay awake sometimes. In a certain Human Bio class I may have nodded off and got woken by a terrible sound. I had infact farted and it had woken me up. Everyone blamed the fat kid and I certainly didn't correct them. To this day my face still goes red thinking about it... 

Sadly the co-ordination I was missing as a child hasn't presented itself to me as an adult so the amount of stupid incidents hasn't really diminished.  I am sure that you are all so surprised that I have turned into such a well adjusted adult, well yes I am adjusted and I am the awesome. 

Here are some other funny misconceptions that I had as a wee one 

- I was convinced that an "L"' plate meant licence for a long time, oh how wrong was I 

- I thought it was great to use big words and it totally didn't matter that I didn't know what they meant. If it sounded good in the sentence, by golly I was going to use it 

- I was convinced that Bangs were boobs. I would read an American book that said bangs and I was taken a back that they could so easily talk about boobs

- If you flicked the switch on your rear view mirror the car was ready for someone else to drive. Bingo 

- My sister convinced me that Pain is gooood, I think she just did that so she could try and make it ok while she was hurting me (or dressing my wounds  from some stupid activity that I had done to injure myself) 

Hopefully you got a laugh out of this and it proved to you that I am human (I know you were probably sitting there thinking that I was some god like creature but sadly I am a mere mortal like you) I know my sister did while she was recalling stories to me. Child hood can be sometimes a bit special and difficult but I choose to focus on the hilarious ways that I have touched the world and it makes it all so much easier for me to deal with 

Love and whinges 

Miss K 

Gosh darn I was cute, even if I was a retard

Let me give you some advice...

Whilst sitting at work the other day we were all chatting about a young boy that was coming in for an interview and my boss mentioned something that struck a cord with me, he had told the kid to imagine everyone was in their underwear and were as nervous as him and also to remember that they were all there to see him and he was the star. I sat digesting this information for a while and I realised that he was correct, if you are going to an interview you have already gotten past the major hurdle, they want to see you so there must be something special about you which they want to explore, so when you get there you just need to shine. I guess I have always been  lucky because I am confident when it comes to interviews and only once have I been nervous when going in and it turns out that it was the only job I haven't gotten, coincidence?

Over the course of our life time people will give us pearls of wisdom that will change the course of our being, here are a couple of mine (and a few that I have borrowed from other people) these may not affect you at all but by writing them down they give me some perspective and act as a constant reminder of a direction that I should be going in. So here are my pearls for you 

If you are going to regret it don't do it and if you do it don't regret it - this one has been in my life for about 15 years now. I used to have a health teacher that would write a new quote up on the board each week and this was one that he put up and it has always stuck with me. Most of the time you will know how you feel about something before you do it and once its done there is nothing you can do to change that so where will regret get you?

Don't be a fool wrap your tool - Here is a news flash for you kids, babies are the least of your worries because a quick trip down the stairs can fix that, but when your junk gets gangrenous and diseased that shit is a real issue. I will admit that I may sometimes forget to enforce this rule but I have trust in the people I visit between the sheets and I  get tested on the regular.... sexual health is no laughing matter so don't come crying to me when your mummy daddy buttons falls off 

Can anyone get me this guys number?

Don't put your tongue on it - I don't actually know where this one started but it is kinda our house motto, it goes hand in hand with "if in doubt, throw it out" (The Hippy House mate will eat anything, so I have to throw things out when they are off otherwise he will proclaim they are ok and eat something that is a week old)

So I don't put this where?

Time spent in Reconnaissance is seldom wasted - my dad told me this one when I was a youngen.  Pretty much it means plan your moves, map your journey, know where you are going and all that bullshit. Don't be the outcome of the three PS (his other favourite pearl) Piss Poor Planning. If you fail to plan you plan to fail  (well technically that isn't really correct because if you plan to fail that's a plan right?)


Adversity Builds Character -  Every single thing that has happened in your life, good or bad, has made you into the exact person that you are today. Why complain about something that has shaped your character and then in turn affected all your future dealings? That is unless you aren't happy with the person that you are, and in that chase whinge away, but you might wanna look into doing something about that. 


Everything is ok in the end, if its not ok, its not the end - I don't really think this one needs to be elaborated on... there is ALWAYS a rainbow after the rain. 

See Bobs all over this shit 

Everyday may not be a good one, but there is something good in everyday. The difference is normally in your attitude - clearly by now you all know that I am a cheer leader for positive thinking, so break it down, if shits got real find the small light and focus on it. It will make everything a whole heap easier to deal with 


Don't Stay in something you know has no future -  its better to be alone than to stay in something that is a dead end and is making you unhappy. All you are doing is holding yourself and the other person back from a chance for some real happiness

Why be affected by people you don't know - this is really another confidence one as well (I seem to have a reoccurring theme) why should we care about what people we don't know have to say about us? We probably will never see them again, they really don't matter to the outcome of our life and really they are a nothing. Why Sweat the little things?

Fireman Sam (or was it Constable Care?) knows what its all about

While I was doing the research for this blog (sometimes I do research and ask for opinions.... strange hey. But this is all part of my time spent in reconnaissance) I asked the Army Brat what the best piece of advise he had ever been given was and this was his response to me "At the end of my medic course, a Sergent said "do good things". 12 months of education, training, placements and practical came to a point with those three words". Do Good Things, really, life is as simple as that. If you ignore every other point, take this one in, the world will be a better place 

Loves and Pearling 

Miss K 

Just kept step by stepping to be a better you!!!

What ifs and Wayward Responses

I like men, like I really like men. I don't think there is any secret or hiding that fact, but as of late my love for men has diminished slightly, if you think that I'm about to come out and declare that I'm a lesbian and I'm giving the cock the flick, I'm sorry you are going to be disappointed. As documented in my previous blog posts I'm friendly and outgoing and this can sometimes be misconstrued. On this information I guess it was only a matter of time before this blew up in my face. That time came for me at the end of last year whilst I was away on Holiday. A situation arose where someone didn't understand that no actually meant no. While this was a pretty bad situation in itself I thought that I would be able to forget about it and continue on with my life but this event rattled me to the core even if the effects weren't instantly evident.

I often lay in bed at night thinking about the what ifs in life. Every action that we do has a reaction somewhere down the line like ripples spreading across a pond. For the last couple of months this big what if has been hanging over my head and as much as I try to make sense of it and remind myself that what ifs cant change the outcome of a situation my mind keeps wandering back into the realms of the what if. What if I had have done this, what if I hadn't done that but really at the end of the day none of that really matters now.

This experience has given me an insight into the nature of people and the difference between the sexes, all the girls are shocked and upset that a guy could do that and the guys are ourtraged and want to get biblical and take an eye for an eye. They get the glassy eyed look and calmly as day ask for details of how to find this person. I always wonder though what an act of retribution will achieve? It cant change what has happened, it wont turn my actions back to normal and if anything it will make me feel worse because then forever it will be hanging over my head that this person was injured because of me. Two wrongs certainly dont make a right.   

I dealt with it by not dealing with it for a while, I didnt talk about it, I tried to make it into something different inside my head and then just decided to chalk it up as something that happened in a different place and time. It wasnt until I got home that it became apparent that maybe I wasnt as ok as I made out to be. The night this dawned on me I had been at the pub and met an amazing guy, we swapped numbers, he called me an hour later and we ended up spending the whole night sitting on my front porch talking about the universe. I suggested that he stay the night and I would drive him  back to his car in the morning.This guy is a pure gentleman, he didnt try any moves on me and just gave me a kiss goodnight and went to sleep.  I woke up an hour later in fits of panic, there was a guy I didnt know in my bed, I was at home alone and I kept thinking what would happen if he tried something and I couldnt stop him. I lay there silently with tears streaming down my face and had to fight the urge to get up and run away.

After dropping him at his car I resolved to make the situation better for myself. I think the reason that I had been putting it off so long was because I was ashamed. Everyone had been telling me the way that I should have acted and what I should have done so I started to think that maybe I hadnt tried hard enough. Maybe I had done something to bring this about and maybe I deserved it. I booked in to see a counseller, I needed to break this mind set (which apparently is very common to victims of sexual assualt)

So where to from here? Im very wary and cautious around boys which I know in time will pass. I need to create new memories for myself so I wont let this stop me from being the person that I want to be. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so good or bad this was meant to teach me something. Maybe it has shown me, while there is elements of badness in the world there is more goodness in the people in my life than I realised. Bad things happen to good people but if I chose to dwell on that I would probably never get out of bed in the morning. 

Getting angry wont change things, constantly asking what if wont change things and being ashamed of something that was beyond my control definitely wont change things. All I can do now is move on with my life, learn from my experience and keep reminding myself that you can not tar everyone with the same brush. It has also made me wonder what it is about peoples behaviours while they are travelling that make them act fundamentally different from when they are at home. It is as if the minute they get on the plane all their sensibilities are out the window. Here is a pro tip for everyone, if you wouldn't do it at home when you were drunk, don't do it while you are away and drunk. I think its a pretty simple concept.


I know I am not alone in this experience and sadly it happens more often than it should. It has shown me how strong I am and also that maybe I don't need to be so independent and its ok to let people in to help me. I write this without shame and write this to remind myself that I can survive more than I think I can. I am fully aware that this will be a long road and I admit I get frustrated because I want to get back to normal and it upsets me that I cant but by admitting that it happened and talking about it I know that I am on the right path. I don't ask for sympathy I just ask for understanding, with love we can conquer all.


Love and Strength 


Miss K 

Masterba.. umm of Ceremonies

I was brought up with a very opened family, no subject was really taboo and my parents thought it best to provide us with all the information and tools needed to facilitate our sexual growth. This growth came in the form of something we should call "The Magic Box". I was still living at home at the time when the box made its triumphant entry into my life. I can home one day to find a large box on my bed wrapped in holographic paper, I got excited and proceeded to rip the paper off and underneath the paper was a  leopard skin box, excitedly I threw off the lid and just as quickly I reeled backwards in horror before proceeding to smash the lid back on the box and sit down on my bed.After getting my breath back and my heart rate down I lifted the lid and examined the contents of the box more closely. In it was all the information and accessories that would eventually catapult me into the lady that I am today. There was books and movies, condoms, lube, vagidoms (think a piece of glad wrap that you place over your garden to facilitate no bodily fluids being transferred during cunningulus) and my very own mini vibrator. Being just 18 and new to the world of boys (I was a late developer and didnt even have my first kiss until I was 17) this was all very confronting, so I slid the box under the bed, called my sister who confirmed that she too had received one and we agreed that we would never speak of it again.

This was the actual video as modelled by the Hippy House Mate, check out the VHS Action

And true to form the box did stay hidden for a few years, it moved with me from house to house gathering dust until one day at the age of 23 I thought "hey maybe I'll give this a crack" At first the act of self pleasure was strange, it wasnt natural for me and I would give up pretty early in the piece. As if by a devine intervention at this time the Adult Shop started advertising the world famous "Rabbit" at half price. If it was on Sex and the City and could get Charollette to do it then by golly I needed one and maybe it could make me do it as well.There was only one small hurdle, I was too shy to go and purchase one for myself. The idea of going into an adult shop and actually buying something filled me with a fear of a thousand suns. I ended up calling my friend and asking if he would come with me. The feeling I got when I waked into the shop was similar to what I believe it would fee like to walk into a brothel, I looked around to make sure no one had seen me and then snuck inside.

This one? Yes that one

On entering the shop I was confronted with a sight of wall to wall sex, I scurried to the counter to ask the lady for the "special" and much to my embarrassment the assistant insisted on showing me alll of the features of the model. Here is a little fact for you, if you touch something to the end of your nose it will give you an idea of what it will feel like on your *cough*. After this rather mortifying experience she boxed it up and away I went. So success, now I had it, I was well on my way to becoming a class A wanker. Or was I? It sat in my bottom draw with about 10 minutes use on it for about 6 months because it scared the bejesus out of me. About this same time I was seeing a guy who suggested that we go to Sexpo to meet his friends from work. I reluctantly agreed and this was to be a rather eye opening tryst into the world of adult entertainment. As a result of my shyness one of his work mates bought me a show bag full of goodies and with a wink she told me to enjoy myself.

One of the hardest things to overcome when learning to "love" myself was to get over the mind set that what I was doing was strange or wrong. I actually have no idea where this thought came from, maybe it was a failed sexual relationship or maybe it was from my brief stint in the church were it was brandished as something sinful, but from what ever it was, once I smashed that myth I realised that it was normal and natural and god damn enjoyable. Also how can you tell someone what you like if you don even know yourself?

It appears that I was not alone with my above thoughts and now that I'm all for it, like everything else I do, I'm not really ashamed to talk about it. It was through talking about it that I found out a very close friend of mine didn't partake in the "flicking of the bean" (I had a conversation earlier this week with someone who said they hated this statement. If it was you and you read my blog I would like to apologise now but I couldn't think of a better name for it). Her reasoning was that she shares a house and is worried about people knowing what she is getting up to. I have encouraged her to push through that and even got her some "training wheels" so hopefully she gets on the cycle path soon.

Here is time to admit that I too had these same concerns, after living alone for 5 years I moved into a share house at the beginning of 2011 and the number one adjustment I had to make was wearing clothes around the house and number one concern I had was how to masturbate whilst living in a share house. I was so concerned that my house mate would hear me and judge me that I carried out some independent tests to ascertain the sound proofing of my bedroom (this was done whilst home alone of course). If you would like to imagine me running in and out of my bedroom listening against the door whilst my Rabbit went through its various cycles unattended on the bed you will get a close idea of how the independent tests ran.

I hadn't been living in the house for very long and had the whole place to myself so I thought that I would use this opportunity to my advantage but disaster struck just as the roller coaster approached the top of the track, I heard the front door open and footsteps down the hall way, and as you can imagine by this time it was to late to turn the ride around. I slept a fitfull sleep with thoughts of the awkward looks that I would receive in the morning at the breakfast table. Thankfully when I got up the Hippy House mate was still asleep but there was a note on the table for me. We had been watching a series of Skins and I had just that day purchased the next season for us to watch, I had left a note on the box saying "Are you excited, I am!!!" and in response to that note he had written ";)" and nothing more. I was certain that he knew what Id been doing and I was mortified. I ended up bringing it up at a later date and it turns out that he hadn't heard me and his seemingly winky face was actually a smiley face that had gone retarded. I don't know why but I am fine with him knowing that I do it but him knowing when I am doing it is slightly more private.

I'm committed to the cause and blame my high levels of sexual energy on having a higher than normal level of testosterone (this may also explain my hairy chest and beard). So it seems a bit shocking that I agreed to a self imposed "No Fap February" (yes I am aware that February is the shortest month but No Fap July doesn't really have the same ring to it). I had been told that I was excessive with my "exercise" and I decided to show the word that I didn't need it. Well let me tell you it was the toughest month of my life and I saw that my happiness was exponentially affected the further into the month that we got. I lasted it, just and decided to never do it again. The world hasn't done anything to deserve a Cranky Kerry.

If this Graph read Happiness and Days with No Fap, it would be totally accurate

Masturbation like sex shouldn't really be something that is taboo, its something that everyone does (and if you don't why not?). It de-stresses you, it releases happy endorphins, it makes you feel confident and it keeps porn stars and battery makers in business. If there is a negative I am yet to find it and despite everyone telling me that if I keep playing with it, it will fall off, that is yet to happen. I am not blind (well any blinder than I was previously) and my palms are most definitely not hairy. On a serious note I am scared that it may close up from non use and I don't want that to happen, so while I am single I'm not willing to take that risk, I'm sure you understand.

Love and Flicks

Miss K

What you think this song is about then?

P.S Whilst talking about the writing of this post to the Hippy House mate he goes "Oh when ever your door is closed I just assume that, thats what you are doing" hmmmm

P.P.S While this isnt exactly relevant to my story, it does tie in and shows how terrible children can be. I work with a girl called Katie and at school poor Katie got called Katie-masturbatie. Kids are terrible, very terrible (but also hilariously funny. I nearly wet myself I was laughing so hard about this name)

Catnip for Juvies?

It came to my attention that most people my age are doing the whole settling down life style thing and as with so many things in life I feel that I may have slightly missed that boat (not that I am at all complaining) and I instead act like your normal kid in their early 20's, I'm totally fine with this but this has produced its own phenomena, it would appear that I have become the object of affection to many an early 20s lad, if you will I've turned into catnip for Juvvies (not to big note myself or toot my own horn)

You got me some cat nip child?

I have pondered a few times what makes me attractive to the Juvvies and other than the obvious (my amazing good looks of course) there must be some other reason, so here is what I have come up with 

My Maturity - maybe they want to hear the views of the more mature lady, maybe they cant get everything they need out of 1080 talk back radio 

The Feel Sorry for Me - maybe they see I don't have a life of my own aged men coming after me so they want to do their bit to ease the burden on my batteries 

Something to tell their Mates - you have to admit that hooking up with a 29 year old when you are 20 is a high five achievement, its a story to tell your friends and immortalise yourself in history

They are unaware of my true age - I always get a shocked look when people find out how old I actually am, so I guess it would appear that I have aged well. I normally get told I look like I am in my mid 20s, and 25 is much better than 29.

Its like this yeah?

My guess is that it is probably a combination of all of the above and sadly (or maybe not) I have proof to back up this theory. If ever you are around and Calvin Harris comes on the radio and someone yells out "Pedo" and then start laughing hysterically here is the back story for you. At the beginning of 2011 (I was 27 then) a group of lovely ladies went to see Calvin Harris at Metros Freo, the night was going well and everyone was having a grand time. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a very tall, very good looking blonde gentleman who just so happened to be smiling at me, being the friendly type that I am I naturally smiled back. This exchange went on for a few minutes before the tall blonde creature reached out and grabbed my hand and pulled me into his circle of friends to dance with him.

This all seemed very harmless so we danced and drunk and had a merry old time, as the night wore on the blonde creature leant in and kissed me, I took this to be a positive night. More drinking and more dancing and a bit of chatting (this is where things always fall down isnt it?) and out of curiosity I asked the young lad how old he was and you can imagine my shock when "I'm 18, how old are you?" came out of his mouth. I laughed and asked him again to stop kidding and tell me how old he was and the answer was again, you guessed it "18". On telling him my age, he turned to his mate, told him how old I was, they high fived and I slunk off back to my friends feeling a bit sheepish for making out with someone nearly 10 years younger than me. At the end of the evening whilst walking back to the car I got asked why I hadn't gone home with the boy, I knew this wasn't going to end well for me so I  kept walking as I casually said "because he was only 18", what erupted behind me was a lot of laughter and I turned around to see all my friends doubled over in hysterics. I guess lesson learnt, ask for I.D before you let someone stick their tongue down your throat.

Hmmmm I think this has happened before

Hanging out with Juvvies isnt all bad though I must admit, I probably have more in common with them than I do with people my own age. Here are a couple of reasons why sometimes I hear myself saying yes to youngens advances 

Its all about the Energy - not only in some areas but in all areas generally, maybe its because they havent gotten as bitter at the world as people my age 

They generally arent about commitment -  and this makes it safe, after the Army Brat I will admit that I am some what scared of commitment and relationships and thats why the youngens are great, they are really only after a good time

Catch and Release - I like to think that I am doing my bit for society, some young lads havent had the experiences that others have so they may not be as experienced when it comes to ladies. If I can give them something they can take with them to improve the experience for the next girl then I am kinda like a patron saint arent I?

They may be able to teach me - kids these days, well, lets just leave it at that.The best most mind blowing adult experience I have ever had came to me in the form of a guy who was a few years my junior. By golly did he show me a thing or two, and if I hadnt have been willing to drop my age limit I would never have been privy to all that he had to offer (actually I just facestalked and he turns 25 this year, thats not that Juvvie at all)

Interest and Looks - They are good looking and most importantly they are interested (for what ever reason) in me, its a bolster for my confidence, as selfish as that may be, it works for me 

Under the 23kg Flight Limit -  like with airport checks in, I have a baggage limit, it makes sense that the younger they are the less baggage they have collected along the way   

I dont want them unpacking one me

What have I learnt from all of this, really its that age is just a number, it really doesnt change the person or maybe I have just broken the mould of what people my age should do. I live my life with respect, I have fun, I be safe and if they chase me its kinda wrong to turn them down because when we are 50, it wont even matter. 

Love and Laybys 

Miss K 

P.S Another thing to think about is women generally live longer than men, if I get a young one it kinda evens things out 

P.P.S Kids these days can really talk the talk but sometimes dont have the game to back them up, but I give them props for being ballsy enough to approach me 

P.P.P.S I am intimidating at the best of times and I know this. Telling a Juvvie that if he failed to impress me he would end up in my blog was probably a pretty nasty thing to do. So to you Mr Juvvie, I'm sorry, I put a lot of pressure on you and yeah you did make my blog, but only as an apology

P.P.P.P.S I got this from my mum and I am pretty sure its heredity because the like of the Juvvies is an affliction that affects my sister as well.

Forever Alone... And LOVING it

Another festival is done and dusted and todays festivities pointed out to me two things 1. I was totally right with this post here and 2. I am totally fine going to things alone. Not that this really comes as a surprise to me because I have always had an inkling that I am a bit of a loner and Forever Alone is the catch phrase of my life. I always wonder why people have such an issue with being alone or about doing things on their own, in my opinion, Forever Alone is a fun place to be. I think this whole phenomena started as a young child, while I had friends I never really was good at sticking around and instead preferred to flit around from group to group. I think I was also possibly that smelly child so people maybe didn't want to hang out with me and this forced me to enjoy my own company, but thats just a thought. Here are some awesome things to do alone 

Movies - you don't need to share your popcorn, you wont have anyone talking to you and interrupting you and it doesn't matter if your eyes choose to leak at inappropriate junctures 

No annoying lolly wrapper noises

Dinner - Ever find that you don't have enough time in the day to sit down and do the things you want like reading some of that book that you have been meaning to get to or writing that blog post that has been festering in your head? Going out to eat is a great time to do this. You can relax and keep entertained and it can be done at your pace 

Taking the time to write 

Travel - travelling with other people is difficult, I am the first to admit that I may be a bit high maintenance and have a short fuse so for me being around other people can be a bit of a problem. I loved travelling alone for the simple fact that I never had to report to anyone but myself. Hardest thing about travelling alone is the cheesy Holiday snaps are a bit harder to capture but a timer function and quick legs can sort this out no worries 

10 second timer, no worries Mate (I did actually fall down the stairs whilst trying to get this photo then proceeded to roll around on the steps laughing like a maniac. Good Times) 

Coffee Dates - this is one of my favourite alone activities for the same reason as dinner, but also coffee dates allow you to people watch and that is an awesome past time 

Festivals - I guess this one needs to go in because more and more frequently these days I end up going to festivals alone, you can see what bands you like, eat when you want, go on missions to find as many people as you like and just generally have an all round rocking time 

Galleries - Going to visit a Gallery or a museum on your own is great to take it in and form your own view on something without outside influence. In 2010 I visited Hiroshima by myself and I am so thankful that I went alone, it was a very reflective places and I wouldn't have been able to spend the hours there I did if I went with someone else. 

This is inside the Reflection Room at Hiroshima, I sat here for a long time taking it all in, each tile on the wall reflects a person who died in the bombings 

(The picture is made of thousands or small tiles)

Really anything you can do with someone else you can do by yourself (yeah I just thought and thats correct) I think the biggest hurdle is getting over the mind frame that you are by yourself, once you break this, the world becomes a whole heap easier to deal with. Be confident in who you are and comfortable with your own company because if you cant love yourself then how can anyone else love you? 

The best thing in my opinion though about being Forever Alone is the people that you meet, it pushes you outside of your comfort zone and if you want to interact then you are forced to talk to people. Someone that is alone is easier to approach and I generally go on more adventures when I am by myself for the simple fact that its all about me. Forever Alone may be selfish but it sure as hell gives me good stories to tell 

Love and Happy Alone 

Miss K 

P.S I bet you all thought that I was going to say Masturbation, well you were wrong hey. Mind out of the gutter yo 

P.P.S But the above is actually pretty awesome

Its not freaking mars for goodness sake

I've been walking this road called life for near on 29 years now and I feel like I have come to a cross roads  and for the first time in my adult life I am feeling unstressed and totally free about it and its a tremendous feeling. Something happened this week that has now set the ball in motion for some big life changes and this has excited me more than the new kite I got today.

I think it will come as no surprise to anyone that knows me but I am a bit of an impulsive person and I have a slight sharp temper. Rewind the clock to the start of January, things at work were getting a bit out of hand and my stress levels were through the roof, on going in to have a chat to my boss some rather adult expletives left my mouth at a rate of knots and I made the decision that it was time to possibly move on from that position. I have worked in Credit Control for 10 years and over that time I have become more bitter and sceptical than I thought was possible, it really is a soul destroying job. I woke up every morning and didn't want to go to work. It was time to give up the ghost, so in a flurry of words I handed in my notice and it was done. 

This is how I liked to collect

I had been thinking for a while that I would like to change my career path because lets face it, all this amazing is some what wasted on calling people and asking for money (though I am very persuasive and can normally get what I want). I went around to a few recruitment companies as I was still in two minds about what I wanted to do and on one of these visits, one young lady put an idea in my head and for better or worse it kinda stuck. It was one of those ideas that once it got into my head it festered and grew and took root and my whole being was centred around getting this job. I got a new dress, I rehearsed my questions, I got a wax (I didn't know if that was going to be one of the questions, it cant hurt to be prepared you know), new nails and new adult hair. I was ready, on the day of the interview I put on my best lingerie and designer high heels (actually now I read that back, I sound like I was becoming a stripper, but honestly, that wasn't it) and sat through a few hours worth of interviews. 

This is serious business Kerry

In my head there was only ever two options 1. get this amazing job, stay in Perth and build a career that could lead to an interstate move in the future or 2. temp for a few months, save my coin and skip the state in search of new adventures and brighter pastures. So as you can see, everything was hinging on this job. On the way to the gym last night (some one week after my second interview) I got a phone call saying that whilst I had interviewed well, I was not the stand out that they were looking for. Instead of feeling sad and disappointed, I was filled with a sense of excitement, the decision had been made for me, failure had never held such a sense of accomplishment

So I hear you asking, why an interstate move? On travelling to Melbourne at the end of 2009 I fell in love the minute I got off the plane, the art, the architecture, the culture (oh and the donuts), other than Tokyo (which came later) I had never felt more at home in a city that wasn't my own. It held a sense of newness and excitement that forced me out on the streets every day to take it in. I got home from the trip and was set on moving over to see if I could hack it on the full time, but like so many plans, life got in the way. I met the Army Brat and all my plans went on hold for him (I don't regret it either, if you are sitting there tutting about a girl giving up something for love), then the break down followed not long after and life has just been chugging along ever since. There is really nothing holding me in Perth and I think its time for a change, because after all a change is as good as a holiday. 

I cant wait for views like this on the daily

I threw my plans up on facebook and was surprised at the response that I got, all my east Coast friends were over the moon about it (and why wouldn't they be) and all my West Coast friends were telling me not to do it. I don't think this comes from them thinking I will fail, but more from the fact that the idea of a life without me is a hard thing to comprehend (I took artistic liberties here but I am sure the round about reason works out to be the same thing).  I think that people are of the impression that once you leave you cant come back, or that I am going to be moving to Mars. Moving to Melbourne is like moving to Geraldton, but just in another state. 

same same maybe

I am fully aware that this is going to be a challenge,  but heck I LOVE a challenge (why do you think I have kept my car CA for so long?). The way that I look at it is everyone from Perth goes to Melbourne regularly, we have skype and mobile and at least I am still in the same country. And even with the time zone difference, I will probably be awake when you West Coasters are anyway (thats one benefit of not sleeping hey?). Its also going to come with sacrifices, I will be leaving my Stella (for the interim atleast), I will have to move out of my amazing house and leave my amazing house mate (who I have told when I want to come back he needs to kick out his new flat mates and he has agreed) I am going to have to buckle down and save hard core so no more pretty things or partying and the biggest sacrifice will come in the form of possibly missing Japan this year (this one does make me sad) but life is about sacrifices when it comes to getting what you want.  

And as my favourite little Sergio told me today "inner city Melbourne roads are shit, but on the plus side there are lots of people, Kerry likes people" so I am ready for this, Perth will always be my home, and there is a high chance that I will fail, but I will never know unless I give it a try. So the date is set, start of July, Melbourne I'm coming for you, so people be scared because you don't really have any choice but to be my friend (I am good at making friends, if you don't believe me look here)

I saw this in Melbs, there is hope for me

Love and Grand Adventures 

Miss K 

This is me, just trying to find where I fit in