What ifs and Wayward Responses

I like men, like I really like men. I don't think there is any secret or hiding that fact, but as of late my love for men has diminished slightly, if you think that I'm about to come out and declare that I'm a lesbian and I'm giving the cock the flick, I'm sorry you are going to be disappointed. As documented in my previous blog posts I'm friendly and outgoing and this can sometimes be misconstrued. On this information I guess it was only a matter of time before this blew up in my face. That time came for me at the end of last year whilst I was away on Holiday. A situation arose where someone didn't understand that no actually meant no. While this was a pretty bad situation in itself I thought that I would be able to forget about it and continue on with my life but this event rattled me to the core even if the effects weren't instantly evident.

I often lay in bed at night thinking about the what ifs in life. Every action that we do has a reaction somewhere down the line like ripples spreading across a pond. For the last couple of months this big what if has been hanging over my head and as much as I try to make sense of it and remind myself that what ifs cant change the outcome of a situation my mind keeps wandering back into the realms of the what if. What if I had have done this, what if I hadn't done that but really at the end of the day none of that really matters now.

This experience has given me an insight into the nature of people and the difference between the sexes, all the girls are shocked and upset that a guy could do that and the guys are ourtraged and want to get biblical and take an eye for an eye. They get the glassy eyed look and calmly as day ask for details of how to find this person. I always wonder though what an act of retribution will achieve? It cant change what has happened, it wont turn my actions back to normal and if anything it will make me feel worse because then forever it will be hanging over my head that this person was injured because of me. Two wrongs certainly dont make a right.   

I dealt with it by not dealing with it for a while, I didnt talk about it, I tried to make it into something different inside my head and then just decided to chalk it up as something that happened in a different place and time. It wasnt until I got home that it became apparent that maybe I wasnt as ok as I made out to be. The night this dawned on me I had been at the pub and met an amazing guy, we swapped numbers, he called me an hour later and we ended up spending the whole night sitting on my front porch talking about the universe. I suggested that he stay the night and I would drive him  back to his car in the morning.This guy is a pure gentleman, he didnt try any moves on me and just gave me a kiss goodnight and went to sleep.  I woke up an hour later in fits of panic, there was a guy I didnt know in my bed, I was at home alone and I kept thinking what would happen if he tried something and I couldnt stop him. I lay there silently with tears streaming down my face and had to fight the urge to get up and run away.

After dropping him at his car I resolved to make the situation better for myself. I think the reason that I had been putting it off so long was because I was ashamed. Everyone had been telling me the way that I should have acted and what I should have done so I started to think that maybe I hadnt tried hard enough. Maybe I had done something to bring this about and maybe I deserved it. I booked in to see a counseller, I needed to break this mind set (which apparently is very common to victims of sexual assualt)

So where to from here? Im very wary and cautious around boys which I know in time will pass. I need to create new memories for myself so I wont let this stop me from being the person that I want to be. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so good or bad this was meant to teach me something. Maybe it has shown me, while there is elements of badness in the world there is more goodness in the people in my life than I realised. Bad things happen to good people but if I chose to dwell on that I would probably never get out of bed in the morning. 

Getting angry wont change things, constantly asking what if wont change things and being ashamed of something that was beyond my control definitely wont change things. All I can do now is move on with my life, learn from my experience and keep reminding myself that you can not tar everyone with the same brush. It has also made me wonder what it is about peoples behaviours while they are travelling that make them act fundamentally different from when they are at home. It is as if the minute they get on the plane all their sensibilities are out the window. Here is a pro tip for everyone, if you wouldn't do it at home when you were drunk, don't do it while you are away and drunk. I think its a pretty simple concept.


I know I am not alone in this experience and sadly it happens more often than it should. It has shown me how strong I am and also that maybe I don't need to be so independent and its ok to let people in to help me. I write this without shame and write this to remind myself that I can survive more than I think I can. I am fully aware that this will be a long road and I admit I get frustrated because I want to get back to normal and it upsets me that I cant but by admitting that it happened and talking about it I know that I am on the right path. I don't ask for sympathy I just ask for understanding, with love we can conquer all.


Love and Strength 


Miss K