I had a troubled childhood, I was always that stinky whingey kid that no one really liked or wanted to sit next to. Some of this though could have been from my own doing, with my stupidness repelling people from me or some of it could have been forced upon me by my surrounding family members... I guess we will never actually really know. Lets take a walk down memory lane into the land of childhood Kerry
Kerry Age 4 - Running behind my mums car as she was driving off down the road screaming for her to come back and telling my Grandma that she couldn't tell me what to do because she wasn't my mum was probably not my life's smartest moments. Pro-Tip, Grandmas do have as much pull as mums
COME BACK!!!!!!!!
Kerry Age 5 - I had been a good girl so as a special treat I got to stay in my mums bed while she went out. Being the artistic child that I was, I decided that I needed to permanently make my mark on the world. This was done with some black eye liner and a back to front R in Kerry (only one back to front the other one was the correct way) and a number 5. Even at that age I knew to sign my work. I don't think I got to sleep in my mums bed for a while after that
Kerry Age 6 - Whilst having an extended stay in Indonesia I was in need of a hair cut and being the big girl that I was my mum let me pick what hair cut I wanted. I chose a beautiful picture off the wall not realising what the back looked like. I walked out with a Rattie and cried for days. My poor mother was terribly embarrassed of the demon child's behaviour (there is a photo of me with said rattie and my pants on backwards that my sister is trying to find, I will post it for your amusement if it shows its head)
Very similar to this style
Kerry Age 7 - Being the ever worried parent my mum thought it important to keep our necks warm by forcing us to wear skivvys to school. All the kids referred to me as "No Neck" and both myself and my sister cant wear skivvys to this day without feeling like we are being choked. Pretty sure I was a mutha fuckin Wiggle before that shit was even cool
What you doing to me women?
Kerry Age 8 - We moved schools to a tiny country town, on my first day at said new school I sat on a bench to eat my lunch and on sliding back to give myself some more room I managed to fall off the end of the bench, spill my lunch all over myself and show the world my knickers. Co-Ordination - clearly a strong point
Kerry Age 9 - My darling sister decided to remodel my mouth and thought the best way of doing this was by smashing my head into the bottom of a tile bath. Being concerned about the reaction of my father I was told if I spoke at dinner she would hurt me more, she orchestrated a devious plan so that she would talk for me so he wouldn't see my teeth. It worked for a while I think
Just like this, not obvious at all
Kerry Age 10 - This was the year I learnt to fly, Superman spec. We had a vegie patch and we were growing pumpkins, on finding a pumpkin sprouting I ran inside to get my sister so she too could enjoy the pumpkin experience with me. It went something along the lines of "Tracy Tracy come quickly there is a pumpkin" and on turning to run back outside my toes caught on the door frame. I got airborn, flew through the air at a great rate of knots and belly flopped the concrete floor HARD
Kerry Age 11 - Spelling wasn't my strong point at school, whilst on school holidays with our cousins we were writing insulting letters to each other, apparently writing "I wish you would cermit Silverside" is not as cutting as "I wish you would commit Suicide"
Do us all a favour right!!!
Kerry Age 12 - There was a bit of sibling rivalry, as I think is pretty common place, but I managed to combat this by being able to yell much much louder than my sister. If I wanted to get her into trouble all I needed to do was yell "TRACYYYYY" really loudly and my dad would yell at her and tell her to leave me alone (I should feel guilty because normally she wasn't doing anything wrong but I don't, remember she did smash my front teeth)
Kerry Age 13 - Getting my first Bikini and thinking that I was pretty god darn amazing. I remember wearing it under my white school shirt and thinking I was top shit. Well turns out that everyone else didn't agree, there is video footage going something along the lines of "she looks stupid" ahh the kids, they are so judgemental in my quest for style
Kerry Age 14 - Awkward high school year, moved schools from a whole school with 200 people to a school that had 200 people in my year group alone. Feeling pretty nervous and flustered on my first day with all the people, walking up the stairs to try and find my class and I tripped sending my back pack flying forward into the back of my head smashing my face into the stairs.... moments like this are golden
Kerry Age 15 - One of my jobs as a teenager was picking up the rotten fruit and putting it in the bin, one fine day I had collected two bucket loads of rotten peaches and was on a merry trip to the bin to deposit them, living in the hills we had a steep gravel driveway, being the clumsy little mite that I am, I lost my footing and slipped down the driveway and tipped two buckets of rotten peaches all over myself. So not only did everyone get a great laugh but I was forced to pick up the fruit AGAIN!!!!!!!
a bucket of this chased me down a hill
Kerry Age 16 - I suffered from Insomnia in my later teenage years and as a result of this I found it difficult to stay awake sometimes. In a certain Human Bio class I may have nodded off and got woken by a terrible sound. I had infact farted and it had woken me up. Everyone blamed the fat kid and I certainly didn't correct them. To this day my face still goes red thinking about it...
Sadly the co-ordination I was missing as a child hasn't presented itself to me as an adult so the amount of stupid incidents hasn't really diminished. I am sure that you are all so surprised that I have turned into such a well adjusted adult, well yes I am adjusted and I am the awesome.
Here are some other funny misconceptions that I had as a wee one
- I was convinced that an "L"' plate meant licence for a long time, oh how wrong was I
- I thought it was great to use big words and it totally didn't matter that I didn't know what they meant. If it sounded good in the sentence, by golly I was going to use it
- I was convinced that Bangs were boobs. I would read an American book that said bangs and I was taken a back that they could so easily talk about boobs
- If you flicked the switch on your rear view mirror the car was ready for someone else to drive. Bingo
- My sister convinced me that Pain is gooood, I think she just did that so she could try and make it ok while she was hurting me (or dressing my wounds from some stupid activity that I had done to injure myself)
Hopefully you got a laugh out of this and it proved to you that I am human (I know you were probably sitting there thinking that I was some god like creature but sadly I am a mere mortal like you) I know my sister did while she was recalling stories to me. Child hood can be sometimes a bit special and difficult but I choose to focus on the hilarious ways that I have touched the world and it makes it all so much easier for me to deal with
Love and whinges
Miss K
Gosh darn I was cute, even if I was a retard
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