Summer Festival Essentials

So the summer festival season is upon us again, I can hear all of you gasping and muttering under your breath that you unsure of festival etiquette and how them kids are doing it these days, well never fear faithful readers, I am here to cast all your doubts away. Please read on for your festival essential and know how

For the Ladies

Shorts - now ladies, the shorter the better, preferably high waisted and you need to atleast show some cheek. Underwear can be optional, you know, because its hot and they are pesky and get in the way and stuff.

Not far off

Tops - Its all about midriff this season, because the 80s were so cool in the 80s that we need to have a full scale revival of it now in the twenty twelves. Think crutch fastening body suits, lace shirts that look like your nans curtains and bra tops (yep just bra tops). It really is the season for Skin

Tanning - Like Jersey Shore, you need to Gym, Tan, Laundry but with a higher emphasis on Tan. The more orange the better. There is secret insider knowledge that Willy Wonka is sending scouts to the festivals to look for new Oompa Loompas and we all know that EVERYONE wants to live in a chocolate factory, so be sure to put in your best effort

You wanna live here kids?

Make Up - Back that truck up ladies, no I mean literally back the make up truck up and slap its entire contents on your face. Don't forget that it is essential to match the orange from your tan with the Orange on your face (we dont want anyone suspecting that your tan isnt real). Nude foundation lips are in, but if thats not your style, then frosted pink lipstick is also a winner. Dont forget to also bring your make up with you for trowelling touch ups. Woudnt want anyone to actually see you now would we.

Heavy Make up- not just for drag queens

For the Fellas

Shorts - Think short, tight and in the most outrageously non flattering non manly colours that you can kind. Its important for the ladies to look out for a fella that is wearing the kind of shorts that their dear old grannies bed spread would have been made of (hopefully they smell better than that though), it helps them feel at home and safe. Also try and make the material as light and flimsy as possible, the ladies LOVE, thats right LOVE to see the outline of your shrivelled gear "junk". Also the underwear choice is of great importance, there is no such thing as plumbers crack anymore so let your jocks hang out with price. The brighter the better 

Its a stampede of Curtains...

Shirts - Totally an optional accessory, this seasons fashion is to show of your body that you have no doubt been spending hours in the gym on (part of the Gym, Tan, Laundry routine no doubt). If you do have some modesty though, you may opt for a singlet with very large arm holes and breezey sections around your ribs. You can then roll your singlet down to wear like a belt or alternatively tuck it into the back of your pants like a tail. Chics dig tails!!!!

This one here, he ticks all the festival boxes

Tattoos - I am sure this one goes without saying, TRIBAL is in, and if its unfinished and faded you will score extra points. If you dont have a tribe dont fear though, the tattooist can whip you one up and you will be a bona fide member in no time at all

This is the Summer Festival Poster Child - Get on it 

Gym - Essential to any summer festival is the buff body that will have all the ladies panties dropping. Smash the gym and smash it HARD!!!! get abs of steel and arms as big as tree trunks. I understand that this is a time consuming process, so its ok to neglect leg works outs, Chicken legs are in and I have it on very good authority that the chicken dance will be making a resurgence in Winter '12, you heard it here first kids

Not just festival, but life essentials 

A small note below to both the sexes here, getting trashed so early that you dont make it into the festival is a classy move, and remember eating is cheating, so dont chew anything but your face for good measure. 

I say all of this a bit tongue in cheek and slightly hypocritical, back in the day I used to be a candy raver and dress up, so possibly it is the same. Yesterday was the first festival that I have attended totally sober, and it was a good experience to people watch. Its kinda scary to think that once upon a time I was one of those terribly tattooed girls chewing my own face off (or Zombie spec hiding under some stairs) I can admit that this was my past and I am fine with that. I guess now as I have aged a bit and grown up it all seems like to much hard work. To me now it gone are the days of festivals being about music and they are more fashion event. Maybe thats the way it always was and I just never noticed... something to ponder anyway.  But will I go again... most probably, because for me it is actually all about the music 

Love and Dirty Feet 

Miss K

P.S So a friend of mine and an avid follower of my blog had his own festival experience yesterday.  Incase you in viewing land didnt know Snoop D O Double G was playing yesterday and my friend got so excited that he split his pants from the raging boner (or other) that this gave him. But like a trooper he kept partying hard. Big ups to you Nathan!!!!

so excited in the DoGG that your pants tear open, yep it happens