Hygiene Hard Limits

Whilst on a trip to Perth recently I was enjoying the afternoon sunshine with my friends when we got onto the topic of a certain housemates ex girlfriend who I didn't really see eye to eye with. I mentioned that when ever she would stay at our house we would go through double the amount of toilet paper and triple the amount of soap and I just couldn't figure it out. I have this theory that she used the toilet paper to build herself a nest and maybe she ate the soap because really, I cant comprehend where else it might have gone. On making this comment my friend was disgusted that I shared soap with people because this was were germs come from. Please come on this germ ridden path with me as we delve further into this conversation and touch on Hygiene hard lines. 

Soap

It only makes sense to start at the beginning with the issue that first sparked the whole debate. I've never really thought about it but apparently sharing soap is unhygienic  We use it to rub all over our bodies and if we share it then someone else will be rubbing it on their bodies as well. When I said I was OK with sharing soap my friend was disgusted because "you stick soap up your bum" after the laughter had died down I let her know that I have never stuck the soap up my intimates but instead soap my hand and then go to brown town (sorry that one even grossed me out) or I choose to use a wash that is specifically designed for this area. It just never crossed my mind to be grossed out by it. If you are going to share soap at least have some soap sharing etiquette. Once you are done make sure your rinse it off and remove any hairs that may have strayed onto it and maybe refrain from sticking it up your bum crack. Everyone can be happy then. 

Is sharing soap ok?

Toothbrushes

I have this terrible habit of always forgetting my tooth brush when I go home to visit my dad so I am always forced to open the bottom draw of the bathroom and retrieve a new one to use for the duration of my stay (it also saves on my shopping bill as well), I guess this really isn't always an option for everyone. When I was 19 I remember being asked by one of my friends if he could borrow my tooth brush because he had forgotten his and I was appalled. Toothbrushes are sacred. I wouldn't want to share something that has been used to clean up someone's death breath. Death Breath comes from Bacteria. I have seen those Petri dishes, I don't want my Petri and someone else's Petri to join together and form a  monster Petri army that takes over the world. I don't want to be responsible for this?!!!??

Is sharing Toothbrushes ok?

Toothbrush storage may also be something that we might need to touch on. If your bathroom is like mine your toilet and bathroom are combined. I had a friend who wouldn't leave his toothbrush in the bathroom because when ever he would flush the toilet, the poo particles would fly out of the toilet, engulf and overrun his bristles. He would then in turn put those bristles in his mouth, I guess that gives a new meaning to the phrase "eating shit". Is it safe to leave your toothbrushes unattended with your toilet? I guess no one remembers to put the toilet seat down all of the time. 

Is it ok to shit where you brush?

Sharing Food with Animals

Look I understand that some people look at their pets as children and some people take this a bit further than others. My cousin openly admits to sharing icecream with her cat. In my head all I can see is a Lady and the Tramp-esque scene with her licking one side and the cat coming in from the other side as they loving lock eyes with each other across the top of their iced confection. Does anyone else see the problem with this? While my parents taught me the importance of sharing, there has to be a limit. I once had a cat and one of her favourite past times was licking her bum (because really, if you could do it wouldn't you?). So in reality by sharing food with your cat (or dog) you are effectively licking your cats bum hole. I don't know how I feel about this. 

N.B This is the same person who wont share soap but thinks that sharing tooth brushes are ok. 

Is it ok to share food with your pets?

General Food Sharing 

Have you ever thought about how many chips you touch when you put your hand into a bag and are digging for that prized chip possession? It really is like a lucky dip in there, You have to touch a lot before you finally decide on the one that you want. My dear friend has thought about this more than most and as such will not share her chips with people. I guess this sharing food doesn't bother me as much as some people seeing that one of my favourite past times (probably only because I cant lick my bum and all) is to eat strangers food. I don't know them, I will follow them, take what I want and walk away herp free. It hasn't backfired.... Yet. Is food from the street different to food from the bag?

Is it ok to share food?

Sharing Undergarments

When I was a small child I remember having to wear a pair of my grandmas knickers (I probably did that little kid thing and pissed myself). They were so big that we had to tie them up at the side with a lacky so that they didn't fall off. This is probably the only time that I have worn someone else knickers and really the only time it would be acceptable (I did wear my sisters bra once, that was some hilarity right there, Trying to jam my D's into her barely there very padded A's but for the outfits sake it had to be done). The girls I work with all think its ok as long as your underwear is clean, I don't know if I agree. I am fully aware that my friends have clean "gardens" (or I certainly hope they do) but cross pollination should not be a thing. Wearing nothing is preferential to wearing someone's something else, and it can have its perks. That shit needs to be ventilated.

Is it ok to share your "smalls"?

General Washing and Cleanliness

When I moved out of my old house, I had to leave my favourite house mate and I was concerned for his welfare without me there to tell him not to eat things out of the bin and to remind him to change his clothes. I gave him a quick run down and it pretty much goes like this. 

Underwear - change it. Every day. No excuses. This goes for socks as well. Actually every time you have a shower or change your clothes. This one shouldn't even have to be mentioned. 

Sheets - Once a fortnight in winter and once a week in summer. There is nothing better than that feeling of clean sheets and if I went home with a  guy and he was questionable about the last time that he changed his bed linen I would not sleep with him. The first time I went home with Ikea Flat pack his room was filthy and his Ninja Turtles bed spread and sheets looked like they hadn't been washed since Ninja Turtles were cool. I didn't sleep with him there and in fact went home because I couldn't deal with it. Who knows how many other girls they have slept with on those festy sheets and worse still how many times they have "slept" with themselves. 

Towels - These should be done with the same frequency as your sheets (they can all go in the same load so it shouldn't be a hassle). When I asked my friends how often they wash their towels two of them replied with "When they are smelly". My mouth fell open. You shower to get clean so why would you redirty yourself by using a dirty towel. Stink is normally caused by bacteria.... Sometimes I don't even use a towel. I just run back and jump in bed to get warm. But this is ok because of the sheet washing routine I have. You could always just drip dry. 

Really for washing there should be no excuses. I have to carry my laundry a km to the laundry mat in the beautiful *cough* Melbourne weather and still manage to keep up my wash routine. If you don't have enough socks or jocks GOD DAMN IT, BUY SOME!!!!!!!

Is it ok to prolong washing?

I guess I grew up in an environment of germ disregard. The 10 second rule is necessity, I ate an M&M off the floor the other day and I have no idea how long it had been sitting there for - LEGIT. I am all for sharing soap, drink bottles and any other means of things and I have managed to make it to 30 without dying so really are we all over cautious about stupid things? How did the world survive before the Dettol No Touch hand wash system? For me Germs can be like Pate, I know its liver and a little bit gross but I choose to ignore it and think only about what suits my lifestyle (and taste buds) best. So germs, what germs? 

Love and Parasites 

Miss K 

This one time at a strip club...

Some people are of the opinion that paying women to take their clothes off is demeaning or sexist or any number of other adjectives, I would like to take this opportunity to say that you are all wrong and probably no fun (yep its out now, I cant take it back). Some of my most memorable nights have happened in the dark confines of adult entertainment clubs. Its about the peoples that you meet, the things that you see and the drinks that you share. But hey look, if I am anything, I am realistic and over the years some "interesting" things have happened, I guess that's why Forrest Gump was right, you never really know what you are going to get. Here is some of what I have gotten. 

That piddle - whilst frequenting a venue recently I excused myself from the group to go and use the ladies, while I was standing at the basin touching up my lipstick one of the entertainers came in and promptly stepped into a stall. I was always under the impression that closing the door was the norm when using public restrooms but obviously this stripper didn't get that memo and proceeded to empty her bladder right in front of my eyes. Its ok to see it as just a few flaps of skin but I don't want to see what its actually meant for. Jesus, I totally got more than what I bargained for there. 

That Outfit - As I have written about in previous posts way back when in 2010 I went through a bit of a mental downturn and as a result I lost a truck load of weight so I had this banging body thing going on (not tooting my own horn or anything). I stupidly let my mum decide on a dress that I bought and lets just say its an outfit that I probably don't want to revisit. I went to a hens night and then on to meet the bucks at the strip club, on walking into the venue more than one guy tried to give me money and take my hand and on looking shocked one young lad asked "Are you working tonight?". No mate I'm not working, my mum just dressed me like a stripper. 

Vinyl and lacing up??? Why did I listen 

That Prickle - to celebrate my one year anniversary of moving to the 'Burn we decided to go and check out another kind of burn by heading to the strippers. I managed to secure myself a free lap dance as I was celebrating a momentous occasion. The hottest stripper of them all came over to my chair and did her thing but the whole time all I could think about was 1. keeping my legs shut, I didn't want anyone to see my knickers and wasn't sure when my last wax was and 2. golly, her legs are prickly. I know that I am probably doing it wrong, if while a lady is rubbing her lady parts of me I focused on her prickly legs. Surely she would have gone to work knowing that she was going to rub up against someone, shit I shave my legs when I get a text for a guy, you know, just in case. I really shouldn't complain though because a free lap dance is a free lap dances and saves my downloads in the future.

That Familiarity - One hard and fast rule that I stick to when I go to these kind of venues is not to give money to girls that I know. I guess its about them being a person, I learnt this person lesson the hard way. I got cheeky one night and held my money between my teeth for the awaiting dancer to take. She straddled my lap, ripped the money out of my mouth and then kissed me. Well that one was a shock. Its weird when your mates make out with you isn't it? I like my strippers nameless and voiceless. It makes me feel less dirty about shoving money in their bits. 

That Comparison - I made the mistake one evening while watching the "talent" to proclaim that my rack was better than the girls on stage. What happened next is a bit of a drunken blur but it ended up along the lines of some guy fondling my bosom and me saying "See!!! I told you so", I found out at a later date that he went around telling all his mates that he felt up this hot chic.... yeah, that wasn't really a thing. More booze, less talking. That's always gotta be the answer. 

That $2 feeling - Up until my 29th birthday I had never been to a peep show, after some lovely Mexican the boys decided it was a great idea to pop my dirty $2 cherry. If you have never been to a peep show I will give you this one suggestion. NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING, you may forget the girls that you see but you will never forget that smell. Jizz filled tissues have that certain aroma. I have been back a few times just for curiosity and to take peep show virgins (I even took a date their recently) and I have recently learnt that the Friday night girl is not better than the Monday girl and that in 30 seconds a lot of things can go in a lot of places. Storing your dildo in the top of your ripped stay up stockings is also super attractive. Do it...

That "I don't come here often" - I have the most gorgeous best friend and I knew her for a while before we got to be besties. I saw her one night at the Voodoo lounge in Perth and on seeing me she quickly proclaimed "I don't normally come here, don't judge me". This is not an isolated occasion either, many a time I have run into people I know who claim that its not a regular occurrence. Lets just call this one what it is, its really just an appreciation for the female form and the enjoyment of the atmosphere. If you are doing the wrong thing remember where you saw me and I am as debaucherous as you are 

That Underwear - It sounds like a TV thing to do but sometimes I forget to put underwear on, I get distracted by booze or make up or that dog with a fluffy tail and going to the strippers has taught me the danger of this. For my 28th birthday I got given the gift of a life time, all of my friends threw in their spare cash to get me some gash*, this had been one of those  forgotten my underwear nights. I got to the taxi before realising and luckily turned to run back inside to remedy the situation. Thank goodness I chose my lacey finest as "The Gash" proceeded to pull up my dress, revealing my arse to everyone as she whipped me. I apologise for those patrons who got more than they paid for that night. Your mum was right, you should always wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus (or a really hot stripper wielding a belt)

* This Gash is probably the most perfect women in the universe. Pale skin, curvy body and the most intense eyes. She is so perfect that I cant speak with her, because speaking with her would make her a person and then I would have to stop objectifying her.

I guess you take the good with the bad, the whipping, the double teaming, the searing pain. Its all part of this roller coaster called life and debauchery. I am also really committed to keeping jobs in Australia, so while you may look at it as sleezy, I am looking at it as fuelling the economy. 

Love and Lights (dim ones of course)

Miss K 

Whats to fear but fear itself and horses. Always Fear Horses

There are things in life that scare me, those little things that make my heart beat that little bit faster and make my breath catch in my throat. We all try to act like life and its contents don't affect us, but in reality that's not really true. So here they are, my inner most fears. I am not afraid to stand up and say that I am a fraidy cat and this world scares the bejesus out of me.  

I am scared of the Dark Dark - I am not talking about the dark that happens in the city when you turn your bedroom light off, I am talking about the wide open space, no moon kind of dark. Back in the day when I was young and ruthless I used to drive at break neck speeds on winding hilly roads for fun and the dark that was out there would scare me. I would always drive with my music down and my doors locked because in my head the serial killers that live out in the dark dark hills could run as fast as my car and they would make it their mission to kill me. I just laughed because I was never actually afraid of how much danger I was physically putting myself in. Its perspective I guess. 

I am scared of emotional intimacy - when I was young I used to take a lot of drugs, around this time I was also in relationship that wasn't really going places and should have been over for a while before it actually was. We didn't have good communication and we would only really talk about our feelings when we were high. We would come to a realisation the next day that we had inflated everything while we were inflated and that we just didn't have the real life emotions to back it up. From this time I have been really worried to talk about my feelings and deep and meaningful conversations make me run for the hills because I am always worried about the next day. This is also one of the reasons that I don't take drugs any more. So I guess maybe with this one it is part good and part bad.

I am scared of Horses - God damn, this one should really need no explanation but those giant headed creatures put the fear of god in me. It might be the evil look that they get in their eyes or the fact that one bit me or that another one ran away with me perched on its back but what ever it is I am not really interested in being their friends. 

I am scared of not feeling that way - you know the way that I am talking about, that feeling that takes your breath away and sends your stomach flitting off into the heavens. I think its called true love. I've felt it twice and now I wont settle for anything less. What if I don't feel it again and this is all that life is?

I am scared of being Alone - I don't mean spending time by myself for days at a time because I actually genuinely like that kind of thing but I mean I fear being alone for eternity. On the night of my 30th Birthday I managed to entrap a 23 year old in my web and took him home. Up until this point I had not had the Turning 30 panic and it wasn't until Mr 23 brushed the hair away from my face and kissed my forehead and said with great sincerity "are you not worried that you are 30 and alone?" that I started to panic. He drifted off into an exhausted sleep (I guess I thought I had something to prove to him because I was 30 so he probably got the best night of his whole life) and I lay there staring at the ceiling thinking about my life and its lack of meaning. What if this is as good as it ever gets? Rolled into this one would also be the fear that I will never have kids (which I didn't even know I wanted until I was 28), life has thrown me some curve balls in relation to my reproductive health and I am scared about this most days.

I am scared of Spiders - I was bitten by a white tip on my foot once, thankfully my foot did not rot and fall off but it did leave me with an irrational fear of spiders. The way they crawl and are everywhere and yuck. I have nightmares about spiders being in my bed and wake up and have to turn the lights on and make sure there is nothing there. Many years ago I needed to buy myself a new home phone due to a spider, I walked outside chatting away when a * spider/spiders web brushed across my face. As you can imagine I went into full spider reaction Ninja mode and the phone went flying and skidded across the pavement and smashed. Realistically this fear is stupid because I am much bigger than they are. 

I am scared of Letting People Down - I have made it my mission in life to make life better for other people, I want to make people smile and genuinely make a difference. I am always worried that I wont be able to do this. The idea of letting someone down or that someone doesn't like me is sometimes too much to bare. This means that something that other people wouldn't give a second thought too, I will fixate on for days. I have never heard my dad yell, but I have heard this a few times (thankfully not very many) "I am really disappointed in you". Those 6 words crush my soul. I will do anything to avoid hearing them.

I am scared of Stupid Shit - Having an active imagination can get in the way of life sometimes and make you worry about stupid shit that you really shouldn't. When I was about 16 I used to babysit this little tike called Ross, I was babysitting one night and there was some cardboard stuck to their dining table (probably the work of the small child) and whilst distracting myself from my homework I managed to clean all of the cardboard off the table revealing a beautiful surface underneath. After it was done I was filled with giant remorse. What if this piece of cardboard had been stuck there by a now departed family member and they were keeping it as a reminder of him? (I kid you not, I actually had this thought) There were any number of scenarios that ran through my head and I panicked about all of them. The thought bothered me for days and I was so worried that I would get into trouble. In reality though I probably did them a favour. Other stupid things I am afraid of is: how much money I have in my bank, people standing to close to me, girls I dont really know dancing up against me. touching stray hair whilst cleaning the bathroom.

I am scared of things working out - this really is a stupid one but I realised it this morning while I was laying in bed thinking about the date that I had on Friday. I went out with a guy who is really good looking and nice and smart and all the things that a girl could want (despite his lack of beard) and I think he is in to me too but in my head I keep thinking about how its going to fail because I haven't heard from him or because I am me. I am more used to things not working so things actually going right scares me (I normally don't get to the second date for example). 

So I guess you can see that I am actually scared of everything. They say that we are always our own biggest critic and this is probably in reality where most of my fear comes from, its born inside a head that has no confidence and little direction. I think we all think the world expects us to be grown up and have it together, but really does anyone actually have these things in control? 

No scary movies for me thanks, life is fear enough. 

Love and Insecurities 

Miss K 

N.B - The spider web actually turned out not to be a spider at all and instead was my hair brushing against my face. I don't tell many people this because then they think I am crazy. But I'm not. Well, not entirely anyway.

Happy One Year Anniversary.... thanks for putting up with me.

On the eve of my one year anniversary of moving to Melbourne I am sitting in my own apartment in my pyjamas thinking about the last year with a smile on my face because, I made it. I was always worried when I first made the move that I would be part of the  "Three Month Melbournian" statistic, someone who made the move, couldn't make it and had to head home with nothing but my tail between my legs and an experience under my belt. And to tell you the truth I nearly was, not because I wanted to but because of circumstances that I couldn't control (like a shitty economy) but I made it through and probably feeling the best and most settled that I ever have.

In the time it could have taken to brew a baby and then some (but thankfully I didn't do that)  I've learnt a few things, made a few observations and experiences some things.... so here goes.

I love beards - Melbourne is full of beards, I had a small appreciation for them before the move but now I am surrounded on the daily my appreciated nay LOVE AFFAIR for the bearded creature has grown.

In your Face - there is really nothing more satisfying than proving the haters wrong. I came up against lots of opposition and negativity when I moved and a lot of people said I was going to fail. So to them, stick this one year in your pipe and smoke it

Polony, Middy, Cool Drink - If you are to say any of these things people look at you like you have a second head (that's Tasmania not WA kids). They tried to give me many fake imitations of polony and teach me the way of the Victoria Glass (schooner, pot WTF? I am now forced to always drink pints because that's a universal size) but I cant give up who I am

Only the Strong Survive - lets repeat that ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE and moving here has made me realise that I am much stronger than what I though. No weights included

Weather with you - This is something that I may not ever get used to, the cold her is proper cold. It makes me giggle when ever I see Perthites complaining about the cold  on Facebook, ahh I remember those days when I used to think that Perth was cold. 

The Scene is the same - I have managed to break myself into the drift scene here and if I close my eyes sometimes I can think its home. The conversations are the same, the characters are the same and the Melbourne Drift Kerry is a little Asian Girl. 

No Car, No Sweat - If you had have asked me a year ago if I would be able to live my life without a car I would have laughed in your face. Not only have I survived without a car but I didn't struggle to do it. Having a good infrastructure helps I guess. I will admit to fantasising about the car that I would have if I did decide to get one. At the moment a Square Volvo wagon dumped on steelies with a roof rack and Venetians would be hitting that spot.

Krispy Kremes - this shit just doesn't get old. I could still eat one every day and not get bored of them. If only they didn't make my arse the size of the fair state of WA. 

Strip Clubs are Different - I know this may be a weird point to add BUT it has been something that has changed my life. The girls touch themselves (yep down there) here, strip clubs stay open until well past the first tram and you don't tip with tipping dollars, them bitches want your real money (and sometimes bitches aren't worth the $5)

Wages are Lower - and that's really OK because cost of living is lower, you don't have to line up with 30 other people to rent an overpriced shit hole, groceries are cheaper and Victoria has Aldi. Not having a modified car has saved my umpteenth amounts of money as well.

Melbourne Crazies beat Perth Crazies - I have nearly been run over by a guy on a gopher who called me a filthy dog, had some guy tell me to bet $50 on Sydney Swans and another guy tell me I was  trying to control him by offering him some food. They do however catch the midday public transports like in Perth. On a side note we also have more homeless and less indigenous so I guess it all works out in the wash. We don't have a Mad Dog though. I miss Mad Dog 

and the biggest realisation that I may have come to is.... DRUM ROLL

Hipsters aren't so bad - Yeah I never thought that I would utter those words either. But heck if you cant beat them, go to the op shop, grab yourself a hideous cable knit sweater and ride your fixie to the closest pub to order your shandy. 

So that's a year and to celebrate I am going to an adult club where the ladies can touch themselves wearing my giant hipster glasses and a scarf with my friends that make it home. I shall shout from the roof tops "Melbourne, I'm Loud, Proud and I'm here to stay" (or something as equally cliche)

Love and Victorianisms 

Miss K

Hints for the employment Capabale...

So it turns out that someone out there thinks that I am employable and pays me money to make other people employable. I work in my real life as a Recruitment Consultant (though I am campaigning to get my title changed to something cool like Talent Acquisitioner or something alternately wanker like) and in this course of work I have seen some things that make me gasp and laugh at the general public. I guess sometimes my job just reiterates the fact that the general public are stupid (my dad says it all the time so it must be correct). I am going to share some of my top tips with you to keep in mind when looking for jobs... 

You're an adult now, your teenage email address of littledevil69@genericemailprovider.com may not be appropriate (and never should have been) to use when applying for jobs. its our job to notice things like this so don't think that we wont. It might be a good idea to stick something generic like stevesmith@genericemailprovider.com because there is no way you can get into trouble with that. Look there needs to be no shame in your original email address. My first one was something along the lines of feral_2@genericemailproivder.com, at 14 years old my best friend and I were called Feral 1 and Feral 2 (and maybe now I think about it I maybe should have been offended by this but I never way) so it seemed like a good email address. Good Ol' Feral_2 served me well.

In this world of social media it is very easy to trace people and find out information on them. Recruiters use these social media tools to their advantage. I will admit to going in to peoples FBs before we bring them in just to see what we are getting ourselves in to. Before you jump up and down and shout that this is a blatant abuse of personal rights think about this, if you are dumb enough to have it public then people are going to look at it. Lock your shit down and make it private if you are worried about the way that you behave in your down time. Keep your profile pics classy(ish) if you can and you wont have anything to worry about. 

N.B as a modified (tattooed and pierced) recruiter I generally judge less than a few of my counter parts but we do have a job to do and a service that our clients pay us for and sometimes that does come down to the image that the company wants to portray. 

Keep your resume up to date and make sure it reads intelligently. We may get a couple of hundred resumes for each job that we put up, you need to make yours stand out. Check it for spelling mistakes and grammar, don't make it fancy and loud (unless you are going for a fancy loud job like advertising or the like) and keep all the fonts the same. The Internet is a powerful tool, use it to your advantage. Google resume samples etc and then all you need to do is fill in your relevant information. 

A few years ago a friend of mine lost his job, we were having a party at his girlfriends house that evening and as you can imagine he was a bit upset about being unemployed and after many condolence drinks he disappeared. Like the worried friends that we were we set off to find him, after much hunting we found him in a strangers house, sitting at the strangers computer typing up his resume. Without a word of a lie this happened and the lesson to be learnt from this is possibly stranger danger BUT also not to resume whilst you are drunk. My friend hadn't even spelt his name correctly and if you cant spell your name correctly how can someone hire you. 

Hobbies? that's fantastic that your life has substance but realistically why does that need to be on your resume. My hobbies may include fisting and ritual animal sacrifices and I can guarantee that these two activities will not assist me in my job gaining ability. I got a resume the other day and the girl listed her hobby as Extreme Frisbee, what the fuck even is extreme Frisbee????? 

Follow up, make yourself stand out, really this is all that job hunting is about and I cant stress it enough. If you have applied for a job online and haven't heard anything in a day or two call the company to see that they have received it. There has been a few times when I have discounted a resume and then the person has called up and they have blown me away over the phone so I have brought them in (and they have subsequently got the position). It is much easier to get a message across in speech rather than on paper. 

Sell yourself - I did marketing at Tafe and whilst my teacher was a whore (I don't know if she actually was sexually loosely moralled but she was a bitch) she did teach me one important thing "the most important thing you can ever market is yourself". A cover letter is a great opportunity to do this so think about it before you send it. Mention the position you are applying for, why you want the job and what you have to bring to the company. I have gotten call backs for jobs before when I forgot to attach my resume simply from the strength of my cover letter. Make that extra bit of paper count. 

Once your resume is done and submitted the next hurdle is the actual interview. To give yourself a flying start remember these points

Be on time, well actually you should be 5 minutes early, it shows that you are eager and you wont be rushed. It will give you some time to compose yourself and be calm before you are called in to interview. 

Be about contact, but in the non creepy way of course. When the person interviewing you comes in to the room stand up to greet them, give them a firm hand shake, address them by their name, keep eye contact. Let them know that at this moment in time they are the most important person in your life (again without being creepy, no touching eyes or stroking of beards)

Know your Resume - this one is a actually a bit of a no brainer BUT you would be surprised how many people mess this up. Give yourself a quick refresher because it may be hard to remember what you were doing 5 years ago (If you are anything like me I sometimes even forget what I did yesterday)

Explain your gaps, if you have been off travelling or popped out a human or something which has kept you away from working be willing to have an answer as to why you have long career gaps. Its a question that you will be asked so don't let it stump you.

Language counts, your speech will let someone know everything about you. Refrain from the "like", slang and for goodness sake check your potty mouth at the door. I had a girl come in to interview me and say "I'm so over this shit" and guess what, she didn't really get far. Its good to be relaxed but then that may be a bit too relaxed. 

Think about it. If you are asked a question that you don't know the answer to its ok to take the time to think of an appropriate answer, try and stay to the point and give relevant examples. If you are unsure ask them to repeat it, asking twice is better than giving the wrong answer once. 

They will check, so make sure your references know to expect a call. One of the questions they will generally be asked if why you left so be sure that the answer you give is the answer that matches theirs. Honesty is always the best policy. 

Go forth and prosper my creatures, believe in yourself and you can get your dream job. 

Love and Leadership 

Miss K 

Living Life on Line

Facecracks, Tumblrs, Hipstergrams, Tweetering Birds, heck you are even reading this darn fandangled blogger thing that I am writing so I guess you could say yeah, I am totally all over the digital age. There are lessons to be learnt and points to remember, here are some of them

What happens in Vegas, is already on face book - You can bet your bottom dollar that if there is something that you have done THE WHOLE WORLD IS GOING TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Like that one time you made out with a 20 year old or were trying to pick up a guy whilst holding a pregnancy test. Yeah they know about that shit. 

Its not a thing until its Facebook Official - it doesn't matter what you do, it doesn't mean anything until you have put it on Facebook. Those in the know call it FBO (Relationships especially, fuck I am really no one because I haven't had a FB official relationship in Ages)

#whothefuckcanactuallyreadthese? - What the fuck is with Hash Tags? Look I may be a bit of a retard but I hate having to put my own gaps in. I DONT UNDERSTAND. Hashtags can eat a dick and who even references them anyway (you reference hashtags dont you?)

Stalk, Stalk, Stalk - how did we get along without being able to have all the information and photos of our crushes at our fingertips? Jesus if facebook was like LinkedIn I would be fucked, I stalk more than your average (maybe) because you gotta add things to the "bank" for those times when you have reached your monthly data limit. 

Add and avoid - this is probably my favourite, add me to facebook but then avoid me in the street. Look that's really OK because I would want to follow me as well because I am actually pretty hilarious. 

675 friends - I think that totally makes me a big deal. Realistically this doesn't have anything to do with anything but I just wanted to let you all know that I have lots of friends. 675 to be precise. I just checked. 

If you cant say it post it - because that makes it so much better and easier (just a little FYI, people read what you post). I am actually a firm believer that if you wouldn't say it in real life, don't put it on the Facecracks. 

Passive Aggressive - this is really the only way to attack people, and it goes hand in hand with the above. Rant away because generally the person wont realise its about them due to your vagueness and the rest of your followers will giggle about how angry you can get without actually getting angry. 

Weirdos live in the Internet - Realistically they live in the real world as well but they are more accessible to you via the Internet. This may come in the form of Internet dating, random FB adds and Tumblr. They may freak you out just a little bit so now all you can think about is them wearing your skin as a coat. God knows we have all been there. 

Revenge is a dish best served digital - this takes the travel time out of getting back at someone who has gotten to you. If you know them well enough you can destroy them one post at a time. Yeah this is probably immature BUT good god it is satisfying. 

Getting Laid is easy - realistically its easier to to organise a root on line than it is in real life. None of that trawling bars for a suitable specimen, instead it is more trawling of the facebook friends for the recently single. Oh the advancements in technology you are a marvellous thing. 

The world is full of warriors -  Keyboard warriors to be precise. Lets all go to battle with nothing but our cntrl/atl/delete and a little bit of spacebar bashing just for good measure. 

Like it or lump it, on line life is the way of the future. Has the life on line stolen our real life? I sit on the tram looking at my Facebook and Tumblr in silence while the world flashes by... sometimes I wonder what I am missing but then I realise, if its actually important it will be big Facebook news tomorrow. 

Love and Posts 

Miss K

What porn has Taught me... NSFW

Whilst running for my tram the other day I became concerned for a split second about how my hair was going to look, but it was only for a split second as I remembered that Porn is real and all the girl in porn movies have amazing hair despite their physical exertion, I was set and my beautifully manicured hair would turn up to work, still beautifully manicured. So here are a few other things that I have learnt about real life from porn.

Guys love it when you gag - I think they like the idea that their massive (or not so) weapon has the ability to choke bitches with one fowl thrust. So do the world a favour and do it like you mean it 

Make up is for the long term - honestly I need to find out what they use. They can have a face full of seamen and not have their mascara run. Fuck just the thought of sweat makes my make up run off into the sunset leaving me looking like a haggard drag queen

On my face, on my face - really this is the only place to deposit your baby juice. Its not demeaning at all and women love it. So much so that they will lick it up, ever single drop of it. 

Women are ALWAYS ready - I love the fact that the minute a guy touches a girl with his magic stick she starts screaming in pure Ecstasy. I might do that the next time I make intimacies, because if its in porn it must be real.

Every house keeper/nanny/teacher is horny and naughty - Pretty much they are gagging for it. You can use the fact that they have misbehaved about something to your advantage to talk them into having sex with you on the proviso that you will not dob on them. I think this is actually a pretty solid deal.

Shirts on, its on - Men should keep their shirts on whilst receiving fellatio, because there is nothing sexier than a man awkwardly trying to get his shirt out of the way of a "gagging" lady.

All women are lesbians - no really, didn't you know? all it takes is one hot lady to look at another hot lady and shit starts to get wild and water "works" are turning on everywhere.

The Bigger the Better - All men have large cocks. Really the bigger the better because the fairer sex loves nothing more than "coming on your big cock". It may be physically painful and you may be about to pop a hole in her cervix but keep going harder, bitches love harder.

Women want to sleep with other women's husbands - true fact. This is how threesomes happen. Lady 1 looks at lady 2s husband and lady 2 finds out and then they all take their clothes off and "work" out their differences.

Sex in Difficult places is easy - The shower, a toilet cubicle, a sunken lounge room. The more difficult the better it is. So you just put you leg up here, and I will put my hand here and lets go to town. Easy and Safe as Pie.

Heels are safe for sex - Women should keep their shoes on whilst enjoying sexual acts. Never mind the fact that they may be sporting a 6 inch heel, its totally safe AND sexy. It also give the guy something to grab to make the women more moveable so "contact" can be clearly viewed.

Dirty talk is loved by EVERYONE - I love it when you call me a filthy whore, because I know that I am one and you love it when I ask you to fuck my wet pussy. And no one laughs when these conversations are taking place. Because not only is porn real, but it is a serious business

I am all about learning and I am currently being educated by adult recorded acts. Maybe that's the only reason that I have the Internet, after all the Internet is for porn. There is a song about it so it must be true. But seriously I am actually legitimately a fan of adult content, it sure has taught me some tricks along the way. Starfish? Ain't no body got time fo dat. 

Love and Bukkake 

Miss K