There are things in life that scare me, those little things that make my heart beat that little bit faster and make my breath catch in my throat. We all try to act like life and its contents don't affect us, but in reality that's not really true. So here they are, my inner most fears. I am not afraid to stand up and say that I am a fraidy cat and this world scares the bejesus out of me.
I am scared of the Dark Dark - I am not talking about the dark that happens in the city when you turn your bedroom light off, I am talking about the wide open space, no moon kind of dark. Back in the day when I was young and ruthless I used to drive at break neck speeds on winding hilly roads for fun and the dark that was out there would scare me. I would always drive with my music down and my doors locked because in my head the serial killers that live out in the dark dark hills could run as fast as my car and they would make it their mission to kill me. I just laughed because I was never actually afraid of how much danger I was physically putting myself in. Its perspective I guess.
I am scared of emotional intimacy - when I was young I used to take a lot of drugs, around this time I was also in relationship that wasn't really going places and should have been over for a while before it actually was. We didn't have good communication and we would only really talk about our feelings when we were high. We would come to a realisation the next day that we had inflated everything while we were inflated and that we just didn't have the real life emotions to back it up. From this time I have been really worried to talk about my feelings and deep and meaningful conversations make me run for the hills because I am always worried about the next day. This is also one of the reasons that I don't take drugs any more. So I guess maybe with this one it is part good and part bad.
I am scared of Horses - God damn, this one should really need no explanation but those giant headed creatures put the fear of god in me. It might be the evil look that they get in their eyes or the fact that one bit me or that another one ran away with me perched on its back but what ever it is I am not really interested in being their friends.
I am scared of not feeling that way - you know the way that I am talking about, that feeling that takes your breath away and sends your stomach flitting off into the heavens. I think its called true love. I've felt it twice and now I wont settle for anything less. What if I don't feel it again and this is all that life is?
I am scared of being Alone - I don't mean spending time by myself for days at a time because I actually genuinely like that kind of thing but I mean I fear being alone for eternity. On the night of my 30th Birthday I managed to entrap a 23 year old in my web and took him home. Up until this point I had not had the Turning 30 panic and it wasn't until Mr 23 brushed the hair away from my face and kissed my forehead and said with great sincerity "are you not worried that you are 30 and alone?" that I started to panic. He drifted off into an exhausted sleep (I guess I thought I had something to prove to him because I was 30 so he probably got the best night of his whole life) and I lay there staring at the ceiling thinking about my life and its lack of meaning. What if this is as good as it ever gets? Rolled into this one would also be the fear that I will never have kids (which I didn't even know I wanted until I was 28), life has thrown me some curve balls in relation to my reproductive health and I am scared about this most days.
I am scared of Spiders - I was bitten by a white tip on my foot once, thankfully my foot did not rot and fall off but it did leave me with an irrational fear of spiders. The way they crawl and are everywhere and yuck. I have nightmares about spiders being in my bed and wake up and have to turn the lights on and make sure there is nothing there. Many years ago I needed to buy myself a new home phone due to a spider, I walked outside chatting away when a * spider/spiders web brushed across my face. As you can imagine I went into full spider reaction Ninja mode and the phone went flying and skidded across the pavement and smashed. Realistically this fear is stupid because I am much bigger than they are.
I am scared of Letting People Down - I have made it my mission in life to make life better for other people, I want to make people smile and genuinely make a difference. I am always worried that I wont be able to do this. The idea of letting someone down or that someone doesn't like me is sometimes too much to bare. This means that something that other people wouldn't give a second thought too, I will fixate on for days. I have never heard my dad yell, but I have heard this a few times (thankfully not very many) "I am really disappointed in you". Those 6 words crush my soul. I will do anything to avoid hearing them.
I am scared of Stupid Shit - Having an active imagination can get in the way of life sometimes and make you worry about stupid shit that you really shouldn't. When I was about 16 I used to babysit this little tike called Ross, I was babysitting one night and there was some cardboard stuck to their dining table (probably the work of the small child) and whilst distracting myself from my homework I managed to clean all of the cardboard off the table revealing a beautiful surface underneath. After it was done I was filled with giant remorse. What if this piece of cardboard had been stuck there by a now departed family member and they were keeping it as a reminder of him? (I kid you not, I actually had this thought) There were any number of scenarios that ran through my head and I panicked about all of them. The thought bothered me for days and I was so worried that I would get into trouble. In reality though I probably did them a favour. Other stupid things I am afraid of is: how much money I have in my bank, people standing to close to me, girls I dont really know dancing up against me. touching stray hair whilst cleaning the bathroom.
I am scared of things working out - this really is a stupid one but I realised it this morning while I was laying in bed thinking about the date that I had on Friday. I went out with a guy who is really good looking and nice and smart and all the things that a girl could want (despite his lack of beard) and I think he is in to me too but in my head I keep thinking about how its going to fail because I haven't heard from him or because I am me. I am more used to things not working so things actually going right scares me (I normally don't get to the second date for example).
So I guess you can see that I am actually scared of everything. They say that we are always our own biggest critic and this is probably in reality where most of my fear comes from, its born inside a head that has no confidence and little direction. I think we all think the world expects us to be grown up and have it together, but really does anyone actually have these things in control?
No scary movies for me thanks, life is fear enough.
Love and Insecurities
Miss K
N.B - The spider web actually turned out not to be a spider at all and instead was my hair brushing against my face. I don't tell many people this because then they think I am crazy. But I'm not. Well, not entirely anyway.
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