Sunday, 4 August 2013

This one time at a strip club...

Some people are of the opinion that paying women to take their clothes off is demeaning or sexist or any number of other adjectives, I would like to take this opportunity to say that you are all wrong and probably no fun (yep its out now, I cant take it back). Some of my most memorable nights have happened in the dark confines of adult entertainment clubs. Its about the peoples that you meet, the things that you see and the drinks that you share. But hey look, if I am anything, I am realistic and over the years some "interesting" things have happened, I guess that's why Forrest Gump was right, you never really know what you are going to get. Here is some of what I have gotten. 

That piddle - whilst frequenting a venue recently I excused myself from the group to go and use the ladies, while I was standing at the basin touching up my lipstick one of the entertainers came in and promptly stepped into a stall. I was always under the impression that closing the door was the norm when using public restrooms but obviously this stripper didn't get that memo and proceeded to empty her bladder right in front of my eyes. Its ok to see it as just a few flaps of skin but I don't want to see what its actually meant for. Jesus, I totally got more than what I bargained for there. 

That Outfit - As I have written about in previous posts way back when in 2010 I went through a bit of a mental downturn and as a result I lost a truck load of weight so I had this banging body thing going on (not tooting my own horn or anything). I stupidly let my mum decide on a dress that I bought and lets just say its an outfit that I probably don't want to revisit. I went to a hens night and then on to meet the bucks at the strip club, on walking into the venue more than one guy tried to give me money and take my hand and on looking shocked one young lad asked "Are you working tonight?". No mate I'm not working, my mum just dressed me like a stripper. 

Vinyl and lacing up??? Why did I listen 

That Prickle - to celebrate my one year anniversary of moving to the 'Burn we decided to go and check out another kind of burn by heading to the strippers. I managed to secure myself a free lap dance as I was celebrating a momentous occasion. The hottest stripper of them all came over to my chair and did her thing but the whole time all I could think about was 1. keeping my legs shut, I didn't want anyone to see my knickers and wasn't sure when my last wax was and 2. golly, her legs are prickly. I know that I am probably doing it wrong, if while a lady is rubbing her lady parts of me I focused on her prickly legs. Surely she would have gone to work knowing that she was going to rub up against someone, shit I shave my legs when I get a text for a guy, you know, just in case. I really shouldn't complain though because a free lap dance is a free lap dances and saves my downloads in the future.

That Familiarity - One hard and fast rule that I stick to when I go to these kind of venues is not to give money to girls that I know. I guess its about them being a person, I learnt this person lesson the hard way. I got cheeky one night and held my money between my teeth for the awaiting dancer to take. She straddled my lap, ripped the money out of my mouth and then kissed me. Well that one was a shock. Its weird when your mates make out with you isn't it? I like my strippers nameless and voiceless. It makes me feel less dirty about shoving money in their bits. 

That Comparison - I made the mistake one evening while watching the "talent" to proclaim that my rack was better than the girls on stage. What happened next is a bit of a drunken blur but it ended up along the lines of some guy fondling my bosom and me saying "See!!! I told you so", I found out at a later date that he went around telling all his mates that he felt up this hot chic.... yeah, that wasn't really a thing. More booze, less talking. That's always gotta be the answer. 

That $2 feeling - Up until my 29th birthday I had never been to a peep show, after some lovely Mexican the boys decided it was a great idea to pop my dirty $2 cherry. If you have never been to a peep show I will give you this one suggestion. NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING, you may forget the girls that you see but you will never forget that smell. Jizz filled tissues have that certain aroma. I have been back a few times just for curiosity and to take peep show virgins (I even took a date their recently) and I have recently learnt that the Friday night girl is not better than the Monday girl and that in 30 seconds a lot of things can go in a lot of places. Storing your dildo in the top of your ripped stay up stockings is also super attractive. Do it...

That "I don't come here often" - I have the most gorgeous best friend and I knew her for a while before we got to be besties. I saw her one night at the Voodoo lounge in Perth and on seeing me she quickly proclaimed "I don't normally come here, don't judge me". This is not an isolated occasion either, many a time I have run into people I know who claim that its not a regular occurrence. Lets just call this one what it is, its really just an appreciation for the female form and the enjoyment of the atmosphere. If you are doing the wrong thing remember where you saw me and I am as debaucherous as you are 

That Underwear - It sounds like a TV thing to do but sometimes I forget to put underwear on, I get distracted by booze or make up or that dog with a fluffy tail and going to the strippers has taught me the danger of this. For my 28th birthday I got given the gift of a life time, all of my friends threw in their spare cash to get me some gash*, this had been one of those  forgotten my underwear nights. I got to the taxi before realising and luckily turned to run back inside to remedy the situation. Thank goodness I chose my lacey finest as "The Gash" proceeded to pull up my dress, revealing my arse to everyone as she whipped me. I apologise for those patrons who got more than they paid for that night. Your mum was right, you should always wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus (or a really hot stripper wielding a belt)

* This Gash is probably the most perfect women in the universe. Pale skin, curvy body and the most intense eyes. She is so perfect that I cant speak with her, because speaking with her would make her a person and then I would have to stop objectifying her.

I guess you take the good with the bad, the whipping, the double teaming, the searing pain. Its all part of this roller coaster called life and debauchery. I am also really committed to keeping jobs in Australia, so while you may look at it as sleezy, I am looking at it as fuelling the economy. 

Love and Lights (dim ones of course)

Miss K 

No comments:

Post a Comment