Facecracks, Tumblrs, Hipstergrams, Tweetering Birds, heck you are even reading this darn fandangled blogger thing that I am writing so I guess you could say yeah, I am totally all over the digital age. There are lessons to be learnt and points to remember, here are some of them
What happens in Vegas, is already on face book - You can bet your bottom dollar that if there is something that you have done THE WHOLE WORLD IS GOING TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Like that one time you made out with a 20 year old or were trying to pick up a guy whilst holding a pregnancy test. Yeah they know about that shit.
Its not a thing until its Facebook Official - it doesn't matter what you do, it doesn't mean anything until you have put it on Facebook. Those in the know call it FBO (Relationships especially, fuck I am really no one because I haven't had a FB official relationship in Ages)
#whothefuckcanactuallyreadthese? - What the fuck is with Hash Tags? Look I may be a bit of a retard but I hate having to put my own gaps in. I DONT UNDERSTAND. Hashtags can eat a dick and who even references them anyway (you reference hashtags dont you?)
Stalk, Stalk, Stalk - how did we get along without being able to have all the information and photos of our crushes at our fingertips? Jesus if facebook was like LinkedIn I would be fucked, I stalk more than your average (maybe) because you gotta add things to the "bank" for those times when you have reached your monthly data limit.
Add and avoid - this is probably my favourite, add me to facebook but then avoid me in the street. Look that's really OK because I would want to follow me as well because I am actually pretty hilarious.
675 friends - I think that totally makes me a big deal. Realistically this doesn't have anything to do with anything but I just wanted to let you all know that I have lots of friends. 675 to be precise. I just checked.
If you cant say it post it - because that makes it so much better and easier (just a little FYI, people read what you post). I am actually a firm believer that if you wouldn't say it in real life, don't put it on the Facecracks.
Passive Aggressive - this is really the only way to attack people, and it goes hand in hand with the above. Rant away because generally the person wont realise its about them due to your vagueness and the rest of your followers will giggle about how angry you can get without actually getting angry.
Weirdos live in the Internet - Realistically they live in the real world as well but they are more accessible to you via the Internet. This may come in the form of Internet dating, random FB adds and Tumblr. They may freak you out just a little bit so now all you can think about is them wearing your skin as a coat. God knows we have all been there.
Revenge is a dish best served digital - this takes the travel time out of getting back at someone who has gotten to you. If you know them well enough you can destroy them one post at a time. Yeah this is probably immature BUT good god it is satisfying.
Getting Laid is easy - realistically its easier to to organise a root on line than it is in real life. None of that trawling bars for a suitable specimen, instead it is more trawling of the facebook friends for the recently single. Oh the advancements in technology you are a marvellous thing.
The world is full of warriors - Keyboard warriors to be precise. Lets all go to battle with nothing but our cntrl/atl/delete and a little bit of spacebar bashing just for good measure.
Like it or lump it, on line life is the way of the future. Has the life on line stolen our real life? I sit on the tram looking at my Facebook and Tumblr in silence while the world flashes by... sometimes I wonder what I am missing but then I realise, if its actually important it will be big Facebook news tomorrow.
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