That Ol' New Years Kiss

So, Typical turn of events for a New Years Eve, catch up with friends, eat, drink, be merry, suck someones face off at the stroke of Midnight, hug everyone in your vicinity, struggle to get a taxi home but feel optimistic about the year to come. Pretty standard fair right? Right. Well in the essence of full disclosure (because that's pretty much what this blog is all about isn't it) its time to admit that I have never had a New Years Kiss, 32 and never been kissed and all that Jazz. And with New Years eve upon us again, I am sure you are wondering if I am going to change that tonight... and I am realistic enough to believe that the answer is going to be no. Here is why

I am socially awkward - during the course of the night various men will talk to me, probably show their interest but I will find some way to get out of it. It will kinda be like "hey, can you hear that, I think its the Bat Phone, I better go". I don't mean to be socially awkward, it just kind of happens. If I hang around, I am going to spill something on myself and probably on you as well, I will touch you inappropriately and probably talk about fisting or ask you if you have a foreskin so its better that we just end this exchange now before things actually get weird. Its not you, its me.

I probably will need to go to the toilet at that exact moment - talk about the King of bad timing, the one new years that I had the chance to have a smoochy smooch, I needed to go to the toilet and I couldn't hold it. My long term boyfriend at the time was like "are you sure you need to go, right at the second" and the answer was yes, the answer is always yes. So I was inside the toilet, he was standing outside the toilet waiting for me and when I walked out it was probably the saddest sight I had ever seen, poor old mate standing all alone, abandoned and waiting for me. So not only did I miss it, I made someone else miss it too. Man I am a Jerk. (Though as a disclaimer, I had been taking a fair amount of drugs that evening (drugs are bad ok) and the toilet was really empty and I didnt have to line up, so I guess there was some silver lining on this cloud)

I wont make the first move - because plain and simple, boys have germs and I don't want to get germs. Or something. Sure I might smile at you, but I will probably look away in the next instant because while I want you to approach me, I am also doubting that you will. I have recently been told that I have to stop tapping peoples sacks and that was always my sure fire opening line, so without that I am not actually sure how to talk to guys, If you have any ideas, we have a few hours before I need to put them in to practice, so hit me up.

I'm not Confident - shock horror and I know that this will be a revelation to some of you but I have the confidence of Dobby The House Elf. Its inconceivable that someone would actually be wanting to talk to me, so I dismiss them or ignore them or go to the toilet. Anything as an escape.

I'm old and would rather stay at home - I know, I know, 32 is not that old, but really, I am going to go out and probably be more excited about the prospect of going home and getting in to bed than I am about the men around me. You may call it a missed opportunity but I call it perfect forward planning. I don't know when I stopped being part of the FOMO Generation because now I am part of the IHAH (I'm Happy at Home) Generation and I am over the moon about it.

My Friends are more important - I am with them on New Years because they got me to this point, their love and support got me through the last year, so why at the last moment would I choose to be away from them? When the Ball Drops, I want to be with people that love me for me, not because the beer is telling  them to.

Whats the Point? - When I was 18/19 I would suck anyone's face off, walk in to a club feeling like P Diddy, give me 5 minutes and it would be on with some random. Sure it was great fun and I probably got some free drinks out of it but what did it bring to my life? Do I still see any of them? Do they even remember that I exist? Can I remember what their names were or what their faces look like? Not really no. So whats the point? Life for me now is about making memorable moments and lasting connections. Sure the guy that I could kiss may well be the love of my life and Fireworks could erupt when our lips brush.... but probably not. 

As you probably gathered, I am not all that fussed about the Good Ol' New Years Kiss, if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, then that's no skin off my nose either, I got a whole life going on here, whats a few seconds of lip smacking? Stay Safe Everyone, look after one another and do good things. We got shit to do next year, and I need you around to do it (or to hold my beer and watch me while I do it)

Love and Auld Lang Syne 

Miss K

N.B Normally I do a recap of the year and a set out for what I want to achieve in the year to come, but this year I kinda didn't see the point. I don't know that I achieved any of the goals that I set out at the end of last year and I probably would just be making myself loud empty promises if I went down that road again so instead I have one New Years Resolution that I think that even I can stick to, and it can be all encompassing. Here it is, Drum-roll please, "In 2016 I'm not going be a Jerk". No Matter what, Don't be a Jerk. I got this.

N.B.B I know reading this a certain few people are going to be cross at me for not being confident and believing in myself. Noted guys, so I will add that one to the list as well. "In 2016 I'm not going to be a jerk and I am going to get more confident. Because I am Kick Arse". New Year, New Me Standard Bullshit but I promise you that I am actually going to try. If I loose my way can someone please tell me to go look at my boobs, they are always the confidence boost that I need.

Tis the season... to send dick pics

So as I am sure most of you are aware, the other day was Christmas Day, and Christmas Day is known to be a day of giving. This year my "gifts" came in different forms but hey who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? In the 24 hours of the Christmas festivities I have received Five (5), yes that's right, five dick pics. Maybe it was the full moon that made it happen or maybe people were just feeling really generous, who actually knows. But it got me questioning what the desired outcome of sending a dick pic is? Here are some thoughts. 

To show that he isn't actually a Robot - see we have this friend  and he is tall and good looking and sporty and rich and all manner of things that make him the perfect man, but we have this theory that there is no way that one person can actually be so perfect so we have come to speculate that he is actually a Robot and doesn't have a penis and instead the penis area is where you plug him in for charging. Its really the only likely explanation. I am sure there are many Robot Guys out there like him, so they are just proving they aren't Astro Boy, that's cool dude. 

They Want to show me that they have one - Yeah I get it, but really this whole thing is a two for the price of one deal, buy one, get one free if you like. I get you and I get him as an added bonus. You know how your Nan always used to say "why would they buy the cow when they can get the milk for free!??!!" well I feel that notion has some sort of relevance in the equation, is it still a thing in the modern day world?

They require an On Call Doctor - With moles and freckles we are always told to be highly vigilant for any changes that may occur over time, maybe these guys are just using me as a "Mole Check", if they send it out often enough I will get to know it and be diligent enough to advise them if I think there is something wrong with their junk. I will be honest, I have thought it before but it was an awkward conversation to have so I just left it, surely the burning sensation that he should have had would have been alert enough to go and get it checked out. 

They don't actually want to get laid - I was talking to a young lad the other day and he mentioned that he has been doing so much better on Tinder since he has stopped sending Dick Pics, and this information shocked none of us that were in his company. When you go to the Royal Show and get a lucky dip, you don't open every packet before you decide do you? Seeing someones genitals really should be a lucky dip option. I like a bit of a surprise. If you send me your dick and it is unsatisfactory, I am probably going to like you less as a person. Yes I am aware that this makes me a bad person, but I am nothing if not honest. If you lead in with a cock shot, it doest give me the opportunity to learn about you as a human and I am sure some part of me actually does care about things like that. 

They want an Ego Booster - If I had a doodle, I am being realistic in knowing that I would probably send it to everyone and flop it out at every occasion, that's just the kind of person that I am. I can imagine that it would be some what of an Ego Boost, because most people are polite and wont tell you that your love meat looks like a shrivelled Kiwi Fruit. Send Dick Shot, Instant Gratification in the form of compliments, the world is at peace again. I know that even now I do that, I *think* that I have a pretty mad rack so sometimes when I am feeling a bit down I send them out in to the world to boost my self esteem. it really is the same. No one is going to tell me that my boobs actually look like two balloons filled with pudding, and I really appreciate them for that. 

They Actually Like me but are too scared to say - remember when you were young and you used to throw rocks or pull the hair of the girl that you liked? Could Dick Pics be the modern day child hood sign of affection?

They want the Surprise Element - I don't know if its just me but sometimes I look at people and wonder what kind of instrument that they are packing. Through conversations or comments a picture starts to form in your head and then when the goods are actually in your face, they are not at all what you expected. This happened to me yesterday. This tiny guy had a monster cock and it knocked me for a six. Like in physics terms, how can one even carry something of that magnitude? A friend of mine had the theory that the reason these guys are so slender is because all the nutrients they need to feed their bodies are actually going to feed their massive monster dongs.... and I think she might actually be on to something.

They want to change careers and become an Internet sensation - If you have a doodle, you could post your doodle on the Internet and then everyone could see it. But you could be shy, so if you sent your doodle to someone else then they could post it for you. I have seen a couple that are worthy of posting, the world needs to know about how beautiful they are. I should start a web site to be used specifically for the showing of pretty Peni. I would totally look at a web site that was displaying that kind of content.  

For the Lols - this is actually a valid reason. Hey Look a Doodle. LOL.  See How that works. 

Well what ever the reason, YOLO I say, if you want to get your dick out, get your dick out, if you randomly want to send your dick to people, I say more power too you. But just a helpful little hint reminder, remember not everyone is as open and accepting of the doodle as I am so results may vary.  And also, don't be that guy, if you want to send yours that's great but it doesn't mean that she has to send anything back, girls are cunning Minxes like that. Just like Jesus

Love and Snatchchats 

Miss K

N.B I feel that I possibly did bring this on myself, while scrolling through my "On This Day" feature on Facebook I came across a post that said "tis the seasons to get your knob out" which I originally posted in 2009. I had a giggle and couldn't really remember what it had been in relation to so reposted it for the Lols. You know that thing where they say that the things you put out into the Universe become reality... well they don't lie when they say that. True story kids

What? Those arent the words

I don't think that I am alone in sometimes mishearing the lyrics of songs, sometimes this mishearing can be confusing or hilarious or just down right scary. Here are some of mine...

The song:  Cheap Wine - Cold Chisel

What the words are: Cheap Wine and a Three Day Growth

What I actually hear: Cheap wine and a three legged goat

This one isn't actually mine, it was from a guy I used to work with, but in my opinion its better that the original. I am all about being an advocate for the handicapable. 

The song: Genocide - The Offspring

What the words are: Dog Eat Dog, Every day

What I actually hear: Donkey Kong Every Day

I always used to wonder what Donkey Kong had to do with Genocide, I know that sometimes I get angry when I am playing Donkey Kong Country but its no need to go all Hitler on the world... 

The song: Cotton Eyed Joe - Rednex

What the words are: Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eyed Joe

What I actually hear:  Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from Corn Jack Joe

Corn Jacks are delicious, actually just corn in general is delicious. Cotton Mouth is not, I do not want Jack and is Cotton any where near my mouth. You can just go Joe.

The Song: Rock the Casbah - The Clash 

What the words are: Rock the Casbah, Rock the Casbah

What I actually hear: Pop The Tadpole, Pop the Tadpole

I think this stemmed from not knowing what a Casbah is and if I am honest, I still don't actually know what it is so lets go with popping baby frogs. Its like the bubble wrap of nature

The Song: Benny and The Jet - Elton John

What the words are: Shes got Electric Boots, a Mohair Suit

What I actually hear: With Electric Boobs and mohair shoes

I am thinking that the Fem Bots from Austin Powers drew their inspiration from this song, its a pretty direct link. In relation to the Mohair shoes, I have always asked myself whether is is better to have hairy feet or a hairy body? I will let you make the decision on that one for yourself as its all about personal preference

The Song: Billie Jean - Michael Jackson

What the words are: Billie Jean is not my lover

What I actually hear: Fettuccine, is not my lover 

I've never met a Fettuccine that I didn't like, so really I guess you could say that Fettuccine is my lover and when I eat it, it is just a girl I used to know. Make sense now?

The Song:  Zombie - The Cranberries

What the words are: Zombie, Zombie, Zombie - e - e - e

What I actually hear: Some Bear, Some Bear, Some Bear e - e - e 

Is it Yogi Bear? What would happen if Yogi Bear was a Zombie? we would be in a world of Evil Ala Resident Evil. Really there is only one thing worse than Zombies and that is Zombie Bears. And here is another little off topic fact, Bears can smell when a women is menstruating.... true story.

The Song: Talking about a Revolution - Tracey Chapman

What the words are: Sitting around, waiting for a promotion

What I actually hear: Cinderella, waiting for a promotion

 Do you know what, I actually think that my wording is much better than the original, because old mate Cinders was waiting for the Prince to come and get her out of her hovel and isn't that what a promotion is all about? Honestly kids, think about.

The Song: Silent Night - The Christmas Carol

What the words are: Round Young Virgin, Mother and Child

What I actually hear: Ram Jam Virgin, Mother and Child 

I literally only just worked this one out, I was walking down to the IGA to get some ice cream and could hear the Christmas carols from the oval down the road...  Round Young is much nice than the thought of a Virgin getting the arse smashed out of her. No body wants that their first time... and like Ram Jam? There should have been no ramming or jamming as Mamma Mary was "pure" after all

All I can say is thank God for Google, it has opened my eyes to the world of correctness that I didn't even realise I was missing. Do you remember what we had to do in the days before google? having to go through the leaflet of the CDs and look at the tiny writing could be tiresome and as my days are going on, my eye site isn't as good as it was. Maybe I should possibly get my ears tested as well why we are on the topic....

Love and Lyrics 

Miss K

Dating the Lone Wolf

Disclaimer: I have been overwhelmed by the support that has come my way in the last 24 hours since posting my last blog. It means more to me than you will probably ever know. It was one of the more difficult posts I have written because it was from the heart, it sat for weeks and was rewritten countless times to try and make it read right and to make sure all the anger was gone from it. Because really, who has time for anger? There are two sides to every story and his version of events would be different from mine simply because of our different views in life but in the essence of fairness, I give you this post, I am not sunshine and light, I am difficult to love and nearly impossible to live with so make sure you take that into consideration

Isn't the Internet a wonderful thing? It exposes us to points of view that we would never possibly conceive ourselves. I like to read these articles in an attempt to become more self aware and I don't know why, but recently these articles have been hitting closer to home. Maybe its the full moon or the time of the month, who knows. The other day I read an article on what it was like to date a lone wolf and it cut a little close to the bone. The older I am getting the more I have realised that I maybe don't play well with others and my recent relationship is testimony to this. So what is it like dating someone that is so used to being by themselves, what is it like to date me?

1. I am a contradiction - I want attention, I crave it, I live for it and then when I get it I don't want it anymore. this doesn't mean that I don't want you, it just means that I don't really want you to touch me at the moment.

2. I need time to myself, a lot of time. I have lived alone in the single life for nearly my whole adult existence. I need to learn to adjust and that might take time. The world is really loud and I need the quiet that is me to make sense of that all.

3. Sometimes I need to disappear. I need to turn my facebook off, not answer my phone and go MIA. I will always come back, I promise and I will let you know when I am going but I need to do this for my sanity.

4. I'm not very good at communication and sometimes I forget about pleasantries. I have gotten better over the years but its hard for me to put myself out there when things may not be going the way they should. I need you to keep communicating with me though and give me the time to come back to you.

5. I don't sleep well and I am bad at mornings. I get cranky if I don't sleep and sometimes I fall asleep at odd times. I do like to sleep. Naps are great. Please don't be offended if I like to sleep in my bed without you. I still care about you but I need that time to refresh.

6. I deal with issues by shutting off. This goes hand in hand with 3 and 4. I will come back but I need to sort out my thoughts before I do that. I am not a bull at a gate anymore, I have to take the time to think about things.

7. I get scared often and I struggle with intimacy. I am hard to be around and you might find it difficult to touch me sometimes without me freaking out. I know that you wont hurt me but my head sometimes goes a little bit haywire. I ask for patience.

8. I come with a past that effects everything I do. I have low self esteem and doubt my worth constantly and I think that you are probably going to leave me any day now, just like everyone else. Again, I am trying to make this go away. After all, you are a fresh future and you could be the one that makes it all right.

9. I am highly stressed and I feel things deeply. If some thing is wrong with my friends I will feel for them, If I have had a bad day, I am going to feel that too and what to speak to you about it. I don't need you to try and fix it, I just need you to listen and be supportive. I will do the same for you.

10. I want things to be on my terms. I am stubborn and hot headed and opinionated. I will compromise but I need you to know all the facts on how I am feeling. So many times in the past I have let the guy pick the speed of the relationship and while I have been reeling and freaking out because its all going too fast, he pushed ahead only to change his mind a few months in. I don't want to do that again. I have all the time in the world and I am in no rush. 

Look, I realise that this probably alienates me from many future suitors but I am nothing if not honest so here I am, warts and all. I am worth the effort though, I have these moments of grand brilliance which make up for those other weird things that you get along the way. Well I hope anyway. In return for the above you will get someone that is loyal, playful, hilarious, who will want to look after you, cook for you, do your washing, make sure you have everything you need. Also I am pretty proficient in the art of car so that has to count as some points on my side right?

I live every day for that moment that is coming in the future where someone I love tells me they love me too, its going to be my fairytale moment. That's exciting. I have always lived by the thought that when its right, it will be right and all those little issues will just disappear. I have felt it before, it may not have been forever then but I believe that my forever is coming. 

Love and Lonewolfing

Miss K

The Shrinking Violet

Relationships are funny things when you actually take the time to think about them, they are a risk and you know what they say, with great risk comes great reward, but what happens when the reward never comes? You open your heart and life and give someone the opportunity to destroy you, hoping that they wont but sadly most of the time, they probably will. For anyone that knows me, or the image that I portray of me, I am strong, I am confident, I take no shit and I stand up for myself.  But something happened to me and it happened so gradually that I didn't even realise it and when I did I was powerless to stop it. I lost my way.

I let myself not be a priority, I was coming second best to everything and I let it happen because I didn't know how to fight it. Relationships are about give and take and I seemed to run out of things to give. I wanted so much to be enough and wanted for him to have everything that he wanted just to make him happy.

I lost my voice - I was scared to say anything for fear of back lash, I convinced myself that my opinions didn't matter and that everything I thought was wrong anyway.I didn't want to have an opinion anymore.

My online presence disappeared - I needed to hide from the world, I was unhappy and ashamed and so I convinced myself that I was nothing and that I didn't want the world to see me... I stopped seeing my friends and stopped being present. People starting asking questions and I just didn't have the answers to give as to where I went. 

My writing stopped - I have found that over the years my ability to write has been driven by the sense of wellness I feel in my mind. Writing has always been something that I have enjoyed and been extremely proud of but I lost my desire and I was worried about the way my writing would be received. For the first time ever I actually cared and started to wonder what the point of writing was, everything that I wrote down was rubbish anyway. 

I thought it was acceptable to be spoken down to - I don't like confrontation so when someone is in my face, I will back down... and when someone starts to walk over you, its very hard to get yourself back on level footing. I think he lost respect for me because I wasn't able to stand up for myself and put up a fight. When we first started talking he said to me "we are going to have some monumental arguments" but sadly I just stopped fighting. 

I made excuses for his behaviour, because he was only like that because of things that I had done. It wasn't his fault, he came with a past and I knew that when I started seeing him. I could see that little bit of his soul that still had some sparkle and was untouched by the world.... I held on to that sparkle.That sparkle was beautiful.

I stopped listening and put up walls, with everyone. I think possibly deep down I knew it wasn't right but instead of failing at something else I just stopped talking to people. People didn't understand, or I didn't want to admit that what they were saying was actually correct.

I took the blame for everything, I was convinced that the reason that my relationship failed was because I am a bad person, I didn't try hard enough, I am not open enough, I don't give enough. All that I could think was that I made this happen. If I was some how better, or different or more of the me that I used to be this wouldn't have happened. WHY couldn't I be more of the person that he needed me to be?

I lost my personality, this giant ball of energy that normally sits inside my chest was gone. I lost my will to want to be anything and meet people. I was quiet and reserved and couldn't look people in the eye. Why would anyone want to be around me? To put it plainly, I felt grey.

I convinced myself that I was nothing - and sadly this is the one that I am finding the hardest to get out of. If I couldn't make someone who I cared about and who said they cared about me see that I was something then maybe its true, I really was nothing.

By changing the person that I was, I did myself and my relationship a great disservice. Everything that he had fallen for to begin with was gone because I had forgotten how to be me. I wish that I had have been stronger, that I hadn't felt so much, that I hadn't pulled away. Sometimes it just doesn't matter how much potential something has, when the death knock has rung, there really is no saving things and the only choice you have is to save yourself. I am now left with a crushed self and no confidence. I'm ashamed that I let it happen to me, me who is confident, and strong willed and doesn't take any shit for anyone. I'm sad that I hid it because with each retreat I put the nail further into my coffin.  The signs were always there, I just chose not to notice them. There were supreme moments of amazing and I miss him daily and my head and my heart are constantly waging a war that really no one can win but time. Next time I will try harder... because that's all I can do.

Love and Self Awareness

Miss K 

P.S And to you sir, I thank you. I thank you for the good times and I especially thank you for the bad. We destroyed each other and I understand that now, we are both worth more than what our relationship let us be. I'm sorry that you feel like it was a waste of time and I sincerely hope that one day you can move past that feeling. 

Yeah, no idea... the notes of a writer *cough*

Sometimes I like to play this game where I pretend to be a writer. As part of this game I like to write notes and ideas on every scrap of paper and note book that I can find. I have post its and pencils a plenty, I've got Hoozits and note books galore. You want sheets of paper? I got 20, but who cares, no big deal, I WANT MORE (thanks Little Mermaid for the stolen lyrics). I have been sitting here tonight staring at a picture of a sheep and participating in a little bit of writers block, so in an effort to clear this I decided to flick through my notes and notebooks to find some inspiration. I guess you could call what I found inspiration... though now I am not really sure. In amongst these notes, without a word of a lie, these sentences lay... waiting to be created into something, if only I could remember what that was...

Farting in a Lift 

Rock The Caspar - Pop the Tadpole 

Fight Unfairly - Show your boobs 

Prostitutes Don't Take Selfies 

Funniest First Date Experience - a $2 peep show 

Don't make yourself an island, you might forget how to swim 

Will I be one of those lovely old ladies that are put together with blow waves, cardigans and brooches?

I did always use to wonder what Donkey Kong had to do with the impending death of a nation but who am I to question the Genius that is Dexter Holland. 

Just because a beaver has teeth, don't teeth my beaver.

I bought a Blindfold just so I could have sex without a compliment. Don't look at me. 

Do you find the fatter they are, the better they are at Eating?

Girls can and WILL use you for sex, haven't you seen American Pie?

You can nap any time and no one judges you

I hope I am as tattooed as you by the time I am 30 

Making out with a guy then having to see him at the fire drill 

Scissors and Trolley Jacks 

Depth Perception - Like a cats whiskers

Snap Chatting my Vibrator to the wrong Andrew 

Feeling the Bottom of Cups 

If there is a small child in a pram I like to shake their feet

Doing the pants around the ankles shuffle to retrieve paper and hoping that my arse cheeks don't stick together 

Whats a bit of pee between couples 

Straight men have better hair than you

Wristies are awkward

You cant run two engines at once, you are not Cat Dog 

Where did Kale Come from 

Hi, I'm a rock, I will be your pet rock

Please, by all means if you can make sense of any of the above, please let me know, give me some direction and life to these ideas that obviously at one time meant enough for me to write down. Maybe in my next life I will remember to give things titles.... maybe.

Love and Head Scratchings 

Miss K 

P.S Here is the Sheep that I have been staring at all night. The more you look at it, the funnier it gets.

Just Girly Things

Can I get an Amen sisters?

Libra make the best pads, not because of their innovative design or their high absorbency level but because of the little facts that they print on the glue strips. Its like their way of saying "hey, I know your insides are falling out but here, lets make it an education experience". Good Guy Libra pretty much. 

There is no bigger betrayal in life that your favourite bra rebelling and stabbing you in the heart. I expected that from my friends, not from my support garments. What ever did we do to them anyway? Most people would be happy to be touching my boobs all day every day, but Nooooooo not you. So Ungrateful. 

And on the subject of boobs, you will always have a great amazing boob day when no one is around to see (and you have no one to send them to) as a women I get a lot of unsolicited surprise dick pics. I don't want to be a perpetrator myself... and is it odd to message someone and say "Hey, I am having a great boob day today, would you like to see?". Sorry to the one guy that gets my boobs every time I am having a bonza boob day. I know its a difficult task but you oblige graciously. 

Tampons are like odd socks or Alanis Morissette. You'll have ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife or a tampon in this case. It will be with horror that you have to fosic through your hand bag and come up wanting.... which leads me on to my next point.

Nothing equals the levels of bonding that can be formed from having to ask someone for a tampon. Be it a work mate or a random girl in the toilet. You would think after all this time I would be a little bit more prepared. Right? Yeah Wrong. 

Drunk girls in the toilets will be your best friends in the world and the nicest people you ever meet that you will never see again. And that's a very sad sorry fact of life. Shout out to all the toilet line friends I have made over the years. Without you I wouldn't have had a tampon, some fresh lipstick or support in how much guys suck. I hope you are all doing well. 

The one time you think you are going to get laid and you go to extreme lengths to make sure your body is foot loose, fancy free and without a stray hair in place, he wont show up. That's science. But that's cool because your waxer is the coolest person you know and you will be able to share your disappointment with her next time you go. 

Your period will ALWAYS come at the most inopportune time, especially if you have some event on, like your birthday or riding water slides in Bali. I guess it just doesn't want to miss out on the fun, I can understand that. Also ever wondered why the office girl is always a bitch to you? Yep cause its a special event. 

Don't kid yourself, your hair will never look as good as when the hair dresser does it. I swear them bitches are possessed by Voodoo Magic, and I for one am not complaining, it would be cool if they were willing to share it though. 

In life you will waste a lot of your time painting your nails to make them look real pretty only have them chip the minute the across the roads neighbours cat looks in your direction. And it doesn't matter if its cheap or expensive.... because Nail Polish is a Jerk (not Shellac though because like the reasons above, those little Asian nail ladies are the shit)

You will only ever need to fart at the worst time when there are people around, and if you try to walk away discretely they will follow you. Shit guys, I just want to go for my morning excretion without being followed and judged. Is that too much to ask? 

This is the science of having a Vagina. It is neither pleasant nor fair, but thems the breaks for having boobs I guess 

Love and Lady likeness 

Miss K

What happens when you have a Crush?

I have been sitting here today in quiet reflection and it has occurred to me that I am not very subtle. In anything really. I have a big personality, I am loud and in your face and if I have a crush on someone, generally the whole world knows about it. That's just the way that it has always been and that's fine, but what the world doesn't know is all the crazy things that happen behind the scenes of having a crush. I thought it was time that the world knew... just so the rest of you crazies don't feel alone.  

You think about what kind of children you would have, or actually if they want kids at all. They could be tall and tattooed and totally bad arse. If only you had the opportunity to procreate. Oh why cant we procreate? It would be magnificent. 

You look over interactions constantly. They said this, that must mean that they secretly love me, they are just shy. That's OK, I am just the thing that they need to make them come out of their shell. 

You start to find interest in the things that they like "Oh you like to listen to obscure 1930's Swedish punk music whilst rollerskating? I thought I was the only one" 

You start using words they use, like Grool and that's Grool (its a mix of great and cool, in case you didn't know). Don't they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery?

You sometimes blatantly ignore them. Oh they are sitting right behind me and have come over to talk to me? Well isn't it convenient that I just have to go and get a drink at this exact moment.  Its not you, its me. But I still like you, honest.

You cant look at their photos, because that just makes all those squishy feelings too much to deal with. They all come bubbling up to the surface and threaten to explode. So its best just not to look. For everyones sake. 

You want to like everything that they have ever posted since the beginning of eternity because they are so smart and interesting and witty, but instead you silently stalk their profiles without touching anything because you want to try to hide this one from the world. But in your head you are liking it, then unliking it, just so you can like it again. 

You have a mapped out conversation in your head before you talk to them. "Oh, so you like pie? I like pie! what kind of pie do you like? Why are we talking about pie" 

You find reasons to contact them, one time 7 years ago, they posted on Facebook saying that they were looking for an ancient turtle egg and you just happened to find one of Ebay (not that you went looking for it, you just happened to stumble upon it while looking for something else) so you need to let them to know. 

You Secretly write your new signature in the steam of the shower screen glass. You know, just so you can practice for the certain upcoming nuptials. Its like the perfect crime, one sweep of your hand and all evidence is gone. Perfect. A "K" flows best into an "S" or a "B", or really anything that I can make curvy. 

You mention them to other people but in a round about way that is really subtle so people don't realise that inside you are all gooey for them. But really they know and you aren't fooling anyone. Its just nice to live in that fantasy land thinking that you are fooling people isn't it? 

You don't want to have to contact them all the time and seem to keen so you send telepathic messages and Jedi Mind Tricks out in the universe to get them to contact you and then when they do you do a little smiling jump hop because they are so in tuned to you. If that doesn't show a couple that should be, what does?

You hate every girl that they interact with. Who is this slut? Are they banging? I bet she has a wizard sleeve vagina. Its totally inconceivable that they could just be friends... you have a sixth sense about these things. You are part Jedi after all (please see previous point)

You put in that little bit of an extra effort when there is even an outside chance that you might run into them. These kind of occasions call for a slathering of slap and a drag of the hair brush. You have the next 60 years to show him how unattractive you actually are so may as well trick him while you can.

You store little tid bits of information about them. Its kinda like you have a photographic memory for the information bread crumbs they are willing to give you. Its not creepy, its just taking an interest in who they are as a person and what makes them tick. 

You know that he is coming to a party that you are having so your stalk his Spotify to find his favourite songs and then casually add them to your play list so he thinks you like them as well. He just needs to see how much you both have in common and then it will be on. Oh, How it will be on!** 

I actually hate having those little sparkly crush feelings towards someone. It really is legit the worst. Sure its nice sometimes when you can day dream and be inside that love bubble but rationally that's not a long term viable option. Having a crush on someone generally means constant self doubt and over thinking. Maybe as I've gotten older Ive stopped looking at love with rose coloured glasses on. And you know the worst thing about feelings, you can like anyone you want, but so can they.  

Love and Lusting After 

Miss K 

** this one wasn't actually me, it was a fan submission and it may be the best thing that I have ever heard. That is next level stalking that the likes of my mind could not comprehend. I might have to get her to teach me the ways of her people. It could come in handy in the future.

Things that I don't understand..

God life can be confusing sometimes. I consider myself to be an educated Lass but sometimes I cant wrap my head around things... these things mainly

Belly Buttons - I understand why they are there but really once the Stork has dropped us off (because that's how babies are born) what use do they have. They are weird and deep caverns that fill up with fluff.... and don't even get me started on outies. 

People who do not know the difference between "his" and "he is" - I am known to be a lyrical Nazi (hail Fuhrer) and I am willing to look past most errors. But this one. Like... no. Please. Don't. Enough Westie.

Mens Nipples - do you touch them? why are they there? can they lactate? I am so confused.

Australians that don't like Vegemite - its like our Patriotic right of passage 

People that don't find farts funny - or bodily noises in general. Before I did a burp that sounded like a Raptor roar and it was awesome. Also this one time I farted and it sounded like the roaring in the Lion King when Simba takes back Pride Rock. OK that one wasn't funny, that was just monumentally phenomenal. 

Not picking up money off the ground - you really never know when you are going to need that $0.05 and I don't really care if you call me a scab. I am OK with this. My bank balance negates the need for pride.

Morning People - Gross. I used to date one. It was the worst. We talked about it yesterday, his room mate at work said he probably needs to get checked out. I agree with this sentiment

Smokers under the age of 35 - we grew up in a generation where the dangers of smoking are highly publicised yet people still light up? You what mate?

People that don't read - Books are awesome man. You can go to a world that you cant imagine and experience a life that you never knew you wanted. Plus it gives you a perfect excuse to ignore people when on public transport.

How someone as amazing as me is still single - actually now that I mention it... never mind

How at the age of 32 I still leave the house with my underwear inside out at least once a week  - but that's OK because apparently its lucky. So really I am not retarded, I am just creating my own luck.

Parmas - this has ended relationships but I just cant wrap my head around it? Deep fried chicken covered in cheese and tomato sauce. Yuck. Just Yuck. I would actually prefer dick pics (Please see below)

Doodle Shots - so you like send them because you are keen to get me hot?? Uhhh maybe its just me but when I am watching porn, I don't actually pay attention to the penis. There are other things to look at. I could be doing it wrong I admit buuuutttt probably not. 

People who don't find me funny - have you met me? Like really. 

See, like I said. Confusing....

Love and Head Scratchings

Miss K 

Them Tinder Tingles - Part 2

While researching for my previous blog on Tinder I came across a wealth of reasons as to why the majority of modern day single were signed up. While its not something I believe will work for me, it appears to have a variety of uses for other people. Here are some things to keep in mind behind the motivations of people you meet on Tinder

The are all about the Hook ups - Well der, seeing that is actually the main reason that Tinder was developed. If they are on Tinder then you can make an educated guess that they are DTF (for anyone that doesn't know, that means Down to Fuck(. You can get some action without all the pesky getting to know you questions. Does anyone else remember that song from a few years ago that said "I don't want to know your name, I just want to Bang Bang Bang" Pretty much that's what Tinder is about.

They want to be Pokemon masters - You've got to collect them all. I was out one night with friends a few months ago and all the single lads were on Tinder seeing how many matches they could get. It was a big game and a pissing contest to see who could collect the most in the shortest amount of time. Its kinda like E Fame, it doesn't actually mean anything but people pat themselves on the back for it anyway. High Fives and Fist bumps all around but heed this warning, these people have feelings too... and people can get hurt. Just a little FYI.

Because Trolls don't just live under bridges - but they probably should. Not long after my last painful break up I still had my ex on my Facebook and on logging in after a three week Hiatus the first post that I saw was a lovely Tinder Screen Shot that he had posted along the lines of him say "Whats the difference between me and my couch?" I am sure we have all heard that one. Anyway he posted the screen shot to show the world that he was witty and intelligent and able to crush the finer sex that were out there looking for love. Or something. Actually, I don't really know the reason. To me it seems counter productive just to swipe yes to someone if you are going to troll them from the outset. Try and put yourself in their shoes and get back under your bridge. 

They could be looking to make friends -In this busy day and age its sometimes difficult to make new friends and in reality, in Tinder you have the potential of a friend in every person you encounter. That's a pretty awesome concept when you think about it. You may not go into it looking for a new friend, but sometimes when you meet people you just click and you know that they need to be a part of your life but you probably don't want to bump uglies with them. And that's cool man. Think of the lessons that these friends have the teach you.

Its good for stalking people you know - I don't really understand this one but apparently people go on there just to find their friends. Is it like AH HA exclamation point exclamation point!!!! I found you, now I can laugh and lord this over you. But wait, aren't you on there as well, so cant they do the same for you. I don't know why we get so surprised that people are out in the world looking to get laid, because isn't that a basic human desire?

They like being judgmental Cunts - If someone politely rejects you it makes sense to say all manner of terrible things about them. Actually its the only way, and there are whole website dedicated to screen shots of these beratings. If you are sitting behind a screen you can say what ever you like without any real ramifications, Its kind of a win win situation I guess. Well unless you are on the end of the unkind words. So maybe here is an idea, don't be a cunt. Like, ever. Yeah she may be carrying a bit of extra weight or have tiny squinty eyes (I tick yes to both these things) but she is a person and she does have feelings (please substitute she for he, because I am sure that bitches get in on this action as well). It comes down to that age old lessons that our mummas taught us, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 

A Relationship could sneak up on them - no one I spoke to said that they went on to Tinder specifically to look for a relationship but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what the original reason you joined was, when Cupid is ready to aim his arrow at you, you will be powerless to stop it. These people give me hope that its not the cesspool that I imagine it to be, but I still don't know that it is enough to make me want to dip my toes into the water.  

I think Penny Lane said it best, "I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, you never get hurt, you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends." I guess I have realised that is what Tinder is all about, never taking it seriously and always having fun. Just a thought anyway...

Love and Left Swipes

Miss K