Music to My Ears - 10 Albums Full

I have come to realise over the years that I am possibly incapable of silence, the internal chatter in my head needs to be drowned out and I need something to give me a spring in my step. Queue music, every moment in my life comes with a memory and an accompanying sound track. With so much brilliant music in the world it is hard to narrow down what is the best of the best. We all have our tried and tested albums that don’t grow old and continue to entertain with each subsequent play. Here are my 10 ten albums of all times and the moments for which they have punctuated life

Pennybridge Pioneers – Millencollin

This was the first album that popped into my head when I started to think of this topic. Swedish Punk cant go wrong in my head (it was also a favourite of my reading public when asked what their top albums were). It came out when I was 17 and seeing my first ranga boyfriend. He was this surfing, skateboarding relaxed kind of guy and this album was on repeat for our whole relationship.  I have now seen Millencollin 4 or 5 times live and even as a 30 year old I cant help but rock out to them when they are on.  I lost my car, got tackled into a bean bag and rocked out wearing old school Gallaz to them. Ahh the days of wide legged jeans and giant skate shoes.

Three – John Butler Trio

Around the time of Pennybridge Pioneers I was introduced to John Butler and his amazing slide guitar skills (also by the Ranga boyfriend). It was the nice kind of chill out music that was always playing in the background and if I was one to get stoned I am sure this would have been the soundtrack of these sessions. I followed JBTs career closely and saw them live more times than I can count. After one performance at UWA I caught the Drummers (I think it was Nicky Bomba at the time) drumsticks and on shoving them up my shirt and running like the clappers I hid in a bush so no one would mob me (I was a bit of a drama queen back in those days). If anyone doesn’t know John Butler he is a bit of a political opinionated hippie who doesn’t like to wear shoes. He writes music and lyrics that make you think, I appreciated this.

Smash – The Offspring  

This one should not ever need an explanation. There is something about the smashing guitar riffs that make me smile, like an internal light flicking on kind of smile (The one in Genocide is probably my favourite, closely followed by What in the World Happened to you?). This Album could well nearly be as old as I am, I remember taping it on Cassette (yep that certainly does show the age) while on school holidays in Perth. I have done many coastal cruises with this blaring, it doesn’t really matter the occasion there is always a place for The Offspring.  It also always makes me want to learn to play guitar when I listen to it. (I am actually listening to it right now and I cant help but tap my foot and play air drums)

The Sound of White – Missy Higgins 

This album made me believe that I could well be a lesbian (even though I was in a long term committed relationship with a dude when it came out). There is something about her voice that just excites my loins. I used to pick up a girl I worked with on the way to work and she would always get in my car and go “Are you listening to that album AGAIN” and yes I always was. It was on high rotation for about 6 months and I still listen to at least once a week. Around this time a friends father passed away and they played Sound of White at the funeral and it still makes me think of her whenever I hear it. Its sad and heart wrenching and makes me appreciate the people that I have in my life.

Lungs – Florence and the Machine 

WOW. That’s really the only word that can be used for this album and Florence herself. This came out around about the time that the Army Brat and I were going through our demise. It healed me, it hurt me (he had mentioned that the new girlfriend would play the album in the morning when they were gymming and that made me hate it) and it helped me to move on. I went to see them in concert and it was a revelation to me. There was this amazing lady on stage that had so much energy that it could fill a stadium and it made me feel happy to be alive. She cant really put a foot wrong in my eyes and Ceremonials only just missed out on my list.

Imagine – Armin Van Buuren 

This Album was the sound track to my mid 20’s. It was my first exposure to trance and its full of songs that make me want to close my eyes and lift my hands in the air and have the music wash over me (and I have done this many many times). This album saw me nearly overdose on Drugs (sadly this happen more than once) and go to giant festivals and dance like no one was watching. It is my go to gym music and the way it builds and lifts always puts a smile on my face. For good or bad this album has been with me, its all about the ups and downs.

Hold Your Colour - Pendulum 

Back when Pendulum were cool drum and base and before they did their live bullshit (which I have seen and didn’t enjoy) there was a pure album that came out called Hold Your Colour. It was back in the days when I would go for hills runs on my lunch break, it would just be me and the road and this album. LOUD!!!!!!! It clears my head and gets my heart beating all at the same time. When I hear it now I think of those clear days with the sunroof open and the trees whizzing by. It reminds me of my youth and being free, it gives me the sense of invincibility, nothing could get me in those moments. I also got back together with Ikea Flat Pack after a Hold Your Colour Show at Belvouir Amphitheatre (New Years Eve 05 maybe?) . There is also a song that has a really creepy Willy Wonka sample in it, how can you not like that?

Californication – Red Hot Chilli Peppers  

With RHCP having produced so many amazing albums it was hard to narrow it down to which was my favourite but Californication took the cup on this one. It reminds me of summer days and concerts at the Dome. It is a mix of hard and soft and amazing guitar that makes you an air guitar king. I had my first (and only) at fault car accident because of this album, I was driving to work and wanted to listen to it so was flicking through my Ipod and not paying adequate attention to the road when I rear ended some old lady (who on a side note was a stupid bitch, I ran to check if she was ok and she swore at me and then told me off for swearing back). Anthony Kedis has this amazing voice and this amazing body and it really is all music to my ears.

The Chase – Illy 

I honestly don’t even remember how I got into liking Illy (well maybe it had something to do with the fact that he is a bit of a sexy stud muffin) but this album punctuated my travels to Japan so when I hear it, it takes me back to walking the streets on those crispy autumn days. It is the positive kind of Hip Hop that is my bread and butter, it gives me hope for something better, reminds to keep pushing and makes me want to bounce. And who can say no to a bit of bounce.

John Williamson – True Blue  

When I was 7 I went to see John Williamson in concert at the Entertainment Centre and since then I have been hooked. I cried when he sang at Steve Irwins funeral, I sing along when ever I hear Rip Rip Woodchip and Little Piss Piddle maybes me laugh and smile. It’s an album from my Child Hood that even as an adult I can savour. I dare you to listen to it and not sing. If it was a book it would be that feel good reading that you do before bed to send you into sweet dreams. He sings about real issues that are all Australian and it’s the kind of music that makes me proud to be from this land down under.

Music to me is like a time line and with my evolving tastes I am sure that new things are going to pop up on my list, but as you can see most of these Albums are pushing into classic territory (bar the Chase and Lungs most are over 10 years old), I guess maybe they just don’t make music like they used to. It was actually much harder than what you would imagine to narrow my list down to 10. The ones that only just missed out were The Hard Road Restring by Hilltop Hoods (I used to drive the Blue Eyed Boy home most nights and he would always fall asleep so I would have this in the back ground, kinda like a lullaby for him and a soothing melody for me), The Signal – Urthboy, Greatest Hits – Bruce Springsteen, Lady Writer – Dire Straits and Breathing Tornados by Ben Lee.

Music can change a life, make a moment and cement a memory. It helps you to remember the good times and the bad and the friends that helped you get there. Gods greatest gift has been music (and big boobs) and a day without the melody is a day wasted.

Love and Lullabies

Miss K 

P.S Some top picks from my loving fans 

Hilltop Hoods - The Calling 

System of a Down - Toxicity

Radio Head - OK Computer 

Aqua - Aquarium ( I kid you not)

Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory

Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf

People to turn for...

I presume myself to be strictly dickly but even I can admit that there are some fine looking women wandering the earth that I would consider taking on an all seafood diet for. In high school I remember making a list of girls that I would turn gay for, in the beginning the list contained one or two but as I have gotten older the list has some what grown (as you would think is only natural). Welcome to my theoretical world of women on women sex.

Sarah McLeod - it started with Sarah, I remember being about 16 or 17 and watching rage and thinking "Hey this chic is pretty hot". She was the Aussie rock chic that had attitude and stamina and an "I don't give a fuck about you" look about her, she didn't look like a princess and looked a bit rough and ready. She has all the makings for a dream change... she may have been my gateway crush. She looks a bit manly so it seems like a nice little stepping stone from cock to clam. I wonder where she is these days?

Shirley Manson - Back in the Days of Hey Hey its Saturday (when it was actually on a Saturday night and didn't suck) and VHS tapes a fire haired women in black clothing and black high heels walked onto my screen and into my dreams. Here is a little known fact about Shirley Manson, she used to be a high end model but refused a big contract to continue singing with Garbage and I thank my lucky stars every day that she did. I recorded this performance and watched it countless times, rewinding it and starting it over and over again until the tape nearly wore out (this was in the day before YouTube and DVDs with Instant play back)

(thank you YouTube for taking me back to my high school fantasies. This is the actual clip)

Gianna Michaels - I have mentioned her before once or twice (and probably will again) but she is probably my largest clam crush. I was introduced to Miss Gianna by a 19 year old that I took advantage of (or he took advantage of me, I am not sure how that actually went). He suggested a likeness, I googled and then I fell in love. She has sass, she has attitude and she has that special something that makes people stand up and pay attention (I think that it may have something to do with her 38F Boobs. HOLY JESUS!!!!). She also looks very similar to my favourite stripper who also makes it to a high spot on my would go there list (but this is a grey area because I actually have spoken with her and touched her and had her garden sitting on my nose, so shit just got all that little bit too real) 

Zooey Deschanel - There is something endearing about her awkwardness and her giant eyes. I fell in love with her through the exposure of an Ex boyfriend who had a giant crush on her, we would watch episodes of New Girl and he would be spell bound by her and it kinda rubbed off on me (only slight innuendo meant there). She is so cute and innocent that I probably wouldn't know what to do with her and if I did try to do anything with her I would probably break her and then her liege of adoring fans would be out for my blood, I don't want that on my hands. She might just be the girl crush that I hold hands with and take on tandem bike rides for picnics in the park, I am sure that she would love picnics in the park, actually who doesn't like picnics in the park.

Dita Von Teese - There is no more beautiful turned out women in the whole world. She is the epitome of style and class and rocks the tiny waist and giant red lips. I just want to fan her with palm fronds, peel her grapes and feed them into her beautiful little mouth. I remember first seeing her when she was dating the thing called Marilyn Manson, I was repulsed by him and enamoured by her, She sometimes visits my dreams, and we do interesting things and everyone is happy. The End. I wish I looked like her, that would be cool. 

Now looking back at it, this appears to be a very small list, but what it lacks in size it makes up for in class and damn fine hiney.  Its all good to have these girls in my dreams but if they were actually in front of me I probably wouldn't know what to do with them. Even in my fantasies its all about being an above the belt lesbian, but hey I am fine with that. 

Enjoy your guilty pleasures on swapping teams, no one needs to know. 

Love and Lesbianism 

Miss K 

The different kind of normal

Sometimes I think back to what life was like before, when things were simple, when fear didn't rule my world and when I felt normal. Two years are about to role over since the incident and if you would have asked me back then if this is where I'd be now I would have probably have said not at all. I mentioned to the Army Brat recently that I just wanted to be normal again and he reminded me that I was normal, just a different kind of normal now. So here is my life of the different normal. 

- I still cant say the word Rape in conjunction with what happened to me, even writing it on thinking it starts off some strange reaction in my chest and makes my heart beat a little bit faster. 

- People think that rape jokes are funny and I don't understand this. I was watching a stand up comedian who did a whole section on someone raping his sister. When did someones suffering become a comedic matter? I will admit to having made these jokes in my past life without realising the connotations. The word is no longer in my vocabulary and these jokes don't fly with me any more, I am trying to educate people as I go along about the way the jokes may affect people. 

- I'm constantly feeling the need to retreat into myself. I am easy, I am not scary and I am safe. The idea of going home every night, getting in to bed and cutting all communication with the world is sometimes the only things that calms me down. I am a hermit and the world out their feels too scary to change that. 

- I'm scared of everything, all of the time. I cant deal with crowds, drunk people, people that look at me intensely, people in my space or people wanting to talk about personal issues. Its the little things that you don't realise you take for granted that are struggles for me, people walking up behind me, guys with deep voices and pictures on Tumblr of girls with bruises or being restrained are enough to send me out of control. 

- It affects every relationship that I have, even with people that I knew before the incident. I've had one relationship since it happened and I am trying to have one now and I just cant seem to make it work because my head just screams at me. People deal with the issue differently, I understand its not the easiest conversation to have with someone but its one that I  also need to have because otherwise they just think that I am crazy because I cant deal with things

I had the opinion that I would just get over it, it would affect me for a little while and like every other adversity I would kicks its arse and just get back into being awesome but it hasn't been that simple. For a while I got better but recently for some unknown reason I have take a massive step backwards. I admitted that I needed help again and have gone back into counselling and words like Post Traumatic Stress have been thrown around. Even in this I feel like an impostor, I have a friend that has PTSD from a death that he saw and I have it because someone touched me.... I don't feel like I have earnt the right to be "sick" for something so minor and that thought in itself is stupid. Why do I feel the need to compare myself to what other people have gone through?

So how am I going to deal with this, I am starting to formulate a plan to help me move forward. I am going to let myself have a freak out, ignoring it isn't going to make it go away and it hasn't helped me to this point. If I take a second and take a breath and register it all then I can move forward. I need to have an escape route, I am faking it until I make it and forcing myself to go out. If I go out I need to be where I can see the door and escape if it gets too much. I need to do those silent little pep talks to pump myself up and tell myself that everything is going to be OK, I need to find that person in the crowd that calms me down, its a fall back person that I can stand near when I get over whelmed, like a security blanket. Its normally someone random that has that calming aura.... it sounds like rubbish but it actually works more than you could imagine. I just need to keep trying and taking one step at a time. 

I live my life with false bravado, its easier to be something that everyone expects of you than to be who you really are. I can write about anal sex or the kind of porn that I like easier than I can write about how life's events have affected me and the fact that I am probably not as together as what I make out. Carrying around a secret will eat at you slowly over time and break you down. I guess I just need patience, because this is all new to me and I haven't got it all figured out just yet. Everyone is hiding that one thing and I am sick of hiding, so here it is is. I don't want to be ashamed or scared any more. 

Love and Patience 

Miss K 

The Art of Lying

Everyone has that special something that they can do better than any of the other somethings that they do. I am not 100% sure what mine is yet but I came to realise from an early age that lying was not my special something. The Great Kenny Rogers sings about knowing what the cards were by the way someone held their eyes, and my eyes give me away every time!!! So why do we do it? Does it make us feel better about ourselves or is it something else entirely. Here are my thoughts

1. We lie so we don't get into trouble?

When I was a small child my cousins had a dolls pram, I used to like to play with said pram when we would go for visits. One fateful day I managed to rip the head of a doll AND break the dolls pram in one foul swoop. I remember being asked if I had broken it and I blatantly lied in the face of authority. Of course the truth was found out quickly and I got smacked as punishment. I was asked why I lied and my response was simple "I didn't want to get into trouble" ( I still stand by this reasoning). This is my earliest memory of unsuccessful lying and you would think that I would have learnt my lesson.... maybe I didn't. 

Later in adult life this not wanting to get into trouble can manifest itself in the forms of 

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Do you know how fast you were going? 

Kerry: *Innocent and dumb* no officer, my boyfriend did this to my car, I just drive it because it looks pretty. No I don't know what a turbo is 

Surprisingly this one has actually worked more often than what you think it would. 

It can also be used in subtle fibbing about the cost of an item to your significant other. Back in the day when I had a long term boyfriend (probably before most of you were born) said boyfriend decided to buy himself some parts for his car online. He told me they were one price so I happily handed over my credit card details for the purchase. He wasn't a smart man (well clearly, he was with me for 5 years) and on getting my credit card statement I saw it was over double what he had told me to begin with. Pro tip for the kids playing at home, if you are going to try and lie make sure that it cant be traced back or proven. 

2. We lie to make ourselves seem better or different to what we actually are?

Probably my favourite one of this (and one I was guilty of in my younger years) is girls saying "I don't normally do this" before going home with a boy that they have just met /  giving gobbies / taking it up the pooper or any other sordid activity. Look I have no doubt that you are special and worthy of being this girls first but girls generally only say this when they want you to think that they are more innocent than what they are. I used to say it all the time but then I realised that the guys probably don't actually care and they aren't fooled anyway. So call a spade a spade and don't say anything at all, just be done with it and make sure he buys you breakfast in the morning. 

This could also come into play with the amount of sexual partners that you have had, the number of drinks you tell the barman you have had so you don't get cut off or the amount of times that you have watched that Taylor Henderson from X Factors video on Youtube (only once, but then my computer broke and it got stuck on loop. Honest) 

3. We lie to get things for free?

This topic actually came about as I was scrolling through Tumblr the other day and happened to chance upon a picture of a box of donuts. My biggest most elaborate lie was brought to the forefront of my mind and I was racked with uncontrollable guilt. Last year after an afternoon shopping trip I was admiring the "children's" donut selection at Donut King when the kind shop assistant enquired as to the state of my womb. I don't know what came over me but I confirmed that Yes, Id had my womb out for rent and produced two offspring. A boy and a girl of 7 and 5 respectively (I like that I gave myself the nice pigeon pair family) . The lady oohhed and ahhed (is this common when someone says that they have children? I'm unsure as to the protocol of this shit) and proceeded to give me a free box of donuts to take home to my "kids" so they would be able to choose what they wanted. I thanked her for the donuts, slid my way back to my car and drove home to the house I lived in alone (with my one cat) and proceeded to eat the whole box of guilty donuts. I didn't set out to be deceptive but I ran with it and it ended up having fruitful (or sugarfull) results. 

I also like using this tactic when taking children on outings, if they can pass for an age where they don't have to pay, well heck, for the day they will be that age when anyone asks. I had my little cousins trained so well that they always knew to say the age we wanted them to without even being prompted. We are in a recession after all and locking kids in the car (even with the window down) is frowned up so we need to cut corners where we can.

4. We lie to stop other people from getting hurt?

I have this certain aura about me and in the past (on regular occasions) I have had friends fall under my spell without me wanting them too. No one wants to break someones heart so the simple "I like someone else" generally works or "I don't want to ruin the friendship" is a good back up. Whilst both these things are probably true its easier to say than coming out and saying, I just don't see you like that. I'm not a monster you know. This one also works if you are out at bars and get hit on by someone that would probably have more luck with the dumpster in the piss stained alley out the back. 

My inability to lie is also coupled with a terrible guilty conscience so when I do something that I shouldn't I try to make it better in any which way I can. Once many years ago a friend of mine had been seeing another friend of mine, they subsequently broke up and before I knew it I was being intimate with him (hey I tripped and fell). She called me in tears the next day because she thought that he was seeing someone else already, I felt terrible but couldn't let her in on the secret so instead I listened patiently, told her that I would come over, stopped at the flower stand and got her a nice bunch of "sorry I fucked your ex boyfriend, he said you had the body of a boy" flowers and hugged her to make her feel better.  Break ups are bad enough and I didn't want to make her pain any worse. I went on to see the guy for about 6 months after that, actually come to think of it that's probably why she wont talk to me anymore.... ahhh well these things happen I guess. 

I think the biggest lie that we all tell ourselves though is that we are adults and we have it all together, over the last couple of months I have realised that by thinking this I am actually only lying to myself (and I am not even lying well). Honesty is always the best policy I guess.... but maybe sometimes, stretching the truth isn't a bad option. 

Love and Lies 

Miss K 

Whats in a Hobby?

For those of you that didnt know, I used to work in recruitment and I always got a bit of a giggle at what people wrote down in the "Interests" section of their resumes. I guess I think that because we are over 17 now we should have enough things of substance on our resumes to not have to put your interests on, so why would you include them? Congratulations on having a life I guess. Here are some of the goodens that we (I enlisted the help of my co-workers here) have come across

Chicken Keeping - I can possibly see the benefits of this one, fresh eggs straight from the chickens always trump over store bought ones, you wouldnt need an alarm clock and your grass would get aerated (chickens do that righy?). I also had another lady say that she liked to keep chickens so I guess chickens are more popular than I originally thought

Extreme Frisbee - not just normal Frisbee oh no, EXTREME Frisbee. I honestly have no idea what this actually is. In my head I am seeing a Frisbee that has razor blades around the edge of it, or frisbeeing between two tall buildings.

Disco Dancing - Saturday Night Fever eat you heart out, this guy is all over it. Probably light up stage and bell bottoms included.

Baking Banana Bread - again with the specifics on a general activity. I like to bake scones (well I did that one time and it was pretty good) but I am sure that if I was to bake banana bread I would probably like that as well.

Extreme Gaming - LARPing? Dungeon and Dragoning? Warhammering? Crash Bandicooting? what constitutes Extreme Gaming? I am guessing it is someone that spends days at a time in their barely lit bedroom whilst wearing an adult diaper and eating mushrooms that they dig out of their dirty hair.

Going to Night Clubs - While this is a pretty common hobby and I will admit that it is one that I enjoy as well but probably only to go out and pick up young boys, I dont however know of its merits in including it in a hobby list on a resume. What you are really telling your potential employee is that you are most likely a booze hound who has one million duck face selfies clogging up your Facebook.

Bedroom DJ - Watch our Armin Van Buuren, this guy is coming for you. At the moment he may just be standing in his jocks in his suburban bedroom but he is on his way to greater things.

Wax Work Photography - Honestly how many wax works statues are out there to photograph? This is the kind of person that probably likes snuff movies and has a room full of "special" dolls for night time visits.

Phill Collins Fan - this was their one and only hobby. Really this one is so big and all consuming that there isnt time for much else. Realistically who doesnt like that drum playing Gorilla?

Affirmations and Famous Quotes - Only the strong survive. ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE HEY MACARENA!!!! I guess what ever you need to get you over the line. This was a hobby of a lady who came in to see me for a part time administration role and then asked if it would lead her into being the CEO of a company with in 5 years, because that was her goal.... ummmm. 

But by far, the winner is 

Promoting sustainable practices amongst the work sites - I think this one is written just to get brownie points with their prospective employees. What I really think it means is brewing your own beer on site to bolster up the beer drinking.

This whole exercise got me thinking about my hobbies and what I would write if I was to include them on my resume (if I infact had a life outside of  bedroomland). Maybe I could write something along the lines of Backyard abortions, white supremecy, furious masturbating and casual unprotected sex because heck, those are all my interests, all of the time.

Love and Leisure Time

Miss K