Sometimes I think back to what life was like before, when things were simple, when fear didn't rule my world and when I felt normal. Two years are about to role over since the incident and if you would have asked me back then if this is where I'd be now I would have probably have said not at all. I mentioned to the Army Brat recently that I just wanted to be normal again and he reminded me that I was normal, just a different kind of normal now. So here is my life of the different normal.
- I still cant say the word Rape in conjunction with what happened to me, even writing it on thinking it starts off some strange reaction in my chest and makes my heart beat a little bit faster.
- People think that rape jokes are funny and I don't understand this. I was watching a stand up comedian who did a whole section on someone raping his sister. When did someones suffering become a comedic matter? I will admit to having made these jokes in my past life without realising the connotations. The word is no longer in my vocabulary and these jokes don't fly with me any more, I am trying to educate people as I go along about the way the jokes may affect people.
- I'm constantly feeling the need to retreat into myself. I am easy, I am not scary and I am safe. The idea of going home every night, getting in to bed and cutting all communication with the world is sometimes the only things that calms me down. I am a hermit and the world out their feels too scary to change that.
- I'm scared of everything, all of the time. I cant deal with crowds, drunk people, people that look at me intensely, people in my space or people wanting to talk about personal issues. Its the little things that you don't realise you take for granted that are struggles for me, people walking up behind me, guys with deep voices and pictures on Tumblr of girls with bruises or being restrained are enough to send me out of control.
- It affects every relationship that I have, even with people that I knew before the incident. I've had one relationship since it happened and I am trying to have one now and I just cant seem to make it work because my head just screams at me. People deal with the issue differently, I understand its not the easiest conversation to have with someone but its one that I also need to have because otherwise they just think that I am crazy because I cant deal with things
I had the opinion that I would just get over it, it would affect me for a little while and like every other adversity I would kicks its arse and just get back into being awesome but it hasn't been that simple. For a while I got better but recently for some unknown reason I have take a massive step backwards. I admitted that I needed help again and have gone back into counselling and words like Post Traumatic Stress have been thrown around. Even in this I feel like an impostor, I have a friend that has PTSD from a death that he saw and I have it because someone touched me.... I don't feel like I have earnt the right to be "sick" for something so minor and that thought in itself is stupid. Why do I feel the need to compare myself to what other people have gone through?
So how am I going to deal with this, I am starting to formulate a plan to help me move forward. I am going to let myself have a freak out, ignoring it isn't going to make it go away and it hasn't helped me to this point. If I take a second and take a breath and register it all then I can move forward. I need to have an escape route, I am faking it until I make it and forcing myself to go out. If I go out I need to be where I can see the door and escape if it gets too much. I need to do those silent little pep talks to pump myself up and tell myself that everything is going to be OK, I need to find that person in the crowd that calms me down, its a fall back person that I can stand near when I get over whelmed, like a security blanket. Its normally someone random that has that calming aura.... it sounds like rubbish but it actually works more than you could imagine. I just need to keep trying and taking one step at a time.
I live my life with false bravado, its easier to be something that everyone expects of you than to be who you really are. I can write about anal sex or the kind of porn that I like easier than I can write about how life's events have affected me and the fact that I am probably not as together as what I make out. Carrying around a secret will eat at you slowly over time and break you down. I guess I just need patience, because this is all new to me and I haven't got it all figured out just yet. Everyone is hiding that one thing and I am sick of hiding, so here it is is. I don't want to be ashamed or scared any more.
Love and Patience
Miss K
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