Wednesday, 16 October 2013

The Art of Lying

Everyone has that special something that they can do better than any of the other somethings that they do. I am not 100% sure what mine is yet but I came to realise from an early age that lying was not my special something. The Great Kenny Rogers sings about knowing what the cards were by the way someone held their eyes, and my eyes give me away every time!!! So why do we do it? Does it make us feel better about ourselves or is it something else entirely. Here are my thoughts

1. We lie so we don't get into trouble?

When I was a small child my cousins had a dolls pram, I used to like to play with said pram when we would go for visits. One fateful day I managed to rip the head of a doll AND break the dolls pram in one foul swoop. I remember being asked if I had broken it and I blatantly lied in the face of authority. Of course the truth was found out quickly and I got smacked as punishment. I was asked why I lied and my response was simple "I didn't want to get into trouble" ( I still stand by this reasoning). This is my earliest memory of unsuccessful lying and you would think that I would have learnt my lesson.... maybe I didn't. 

Later in adult life this not wanting to get into trouble can manifest itself in the forms of 
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Do you know how fast you were going? 
Kerry: *Innocent and dumb* no officer, my boyfriend did this to my car, I just drive it because it looks pretty. No I don't know what a turbo is 
Surprisingly this one has actually worked more often than what you think it would. 

It can also be used in subtle fibbing about the cost of an item to your significant other. Back in the day when I had a long term boyfriend (probably before most of you were born) said boyfriend decided to buy himself some parts for his car online. He told me they were one price so I happily handed over my credit card details for the purchase. He wasn't a smart man (well clearly, he was with me for 5 years) and on getting my credit card statement I saw it was over double what he had told me to begin with. Pro tip for the kids playing at home, if you are going to try and lie make sure that it cant be traced back or proven. 

2. We lie to make ourselves seem better or different to what we actually are?

Probably my favourite one of this (and one I was guilty of in my younger years) is girls saying "I don't normally do this" before going home with a boy that they have just met /  giving gobbies / taking it up the pooper or any other sordid activity. Look I have no doubt that you are special and worthy of being this girls first but girls generally only say this when they want you to think that they are more innocent than what they are. I used to say it all the time but then I realised that the guys probably don't actually care and they aren't fooled anyway. So call a spade a spade and don't say anything at all, just be done with it and make sure he buys you breakfast in the morning. 

This could also come into play with the amount of sexual partners that you have had, the number of drinks you tell the barman you have had so you don't get cut off or the amount of times that you have watched that Taylor Henderson from X Factors video on Youtube (only once, but then my computer broke and it got stuck on loop. Honest) 

3. We lie to get things for free?

This topic actually came about as I was scrolling through Tumblr the other day and happened to chance upon a picture of a box of donuts. My biggest most elaborate lie was brought to the forefront of my mind and I was racked with uncontrollable guilt. Last year after an afternoon shopping trip I was admiring the "children's" donut selection at Donut King when the kind shop assistant enquired as to the state of my womb. I don't know what came over me but I confirmed that Yes, Id had my womb out for rent and produced two offspring. A boy and a girl of 7 and 5 respectively (I like that I gave myself the nice pigeon pair family) . The lady oohhed and ahhed (is this common when someone says that they have children? I'm unsure as to the protocol of this shit) and proceeded to give me a free box of donuts to take home to my "kids" so they would be able to choose what they wanted. I thanked her for the donuts, slid my way back to my car and drove home to the house I lived in alone (with my one cat) and proceeded to eat the whole box of guilty donuts. I didn't set out to be deceptive but I ran with it and it ended up having fruitful (or sugarfull) results. 

I also like using this tactic when taking children on outings, if they can pass for an age where they don't have to pay, well heck, for the day they will be that age when anyone asks. I had my little cousins trained so well that they always knew to say the age we wanted them to without even being prompted. We are in a recession after all and locking kids in the car (even with the window down) is frowned up so we need to cut corners where we can.

4. We lie to stop other people from getting hurt?

I have this certain aura about me and in the past (on regular occasions) I have had friends fall under my spell without me wanting them too. No one wants to break someones heart so the simple "I like someone else" generally works or "I don't want to ruin the friendship" is a good back up. Whilst both these things are probably true its easier to say than coming out and saying, I just don't see you like that. I'm not a monster you know. This one also works if you are out at bars and get hit on by someone that would probably have more luck with the dumpster in the piss stained alley out the back. 

My inability to lie is also coupled with a terrible guilty conscience so when I do something that I shouldn't I try to make it better in any which way I can. Once many years ago a friend of mine had been seeing another friend of mine, they subsequently broke up and before I knew it I was being intimate with him (hey I tripped and fell). She called me in tears the next day because she thought that he was seeing someone else already, I felt terrible but couldn't let her in on the secret so instead I listened patiently, told her that I would come over, stopped at the flower stand and got her a nice bunch of "sorry I fucked your ex boyfriend, he said you had the body of a boy" flowers and hugged her to make her feel better.  Break ups are bad enough and I didn't want to make her pain any worse. I went on to see the guy for about 6 months after that, actually come to think of it that's probably why she wont talk to me anymore.... ahhh well these things happen I guess. 

I think the biggest lie that we all tell ourselves though is that we are adults and we have it all together, over the last couple of months I have realised that by thinking this I am actually only lying to myself (and I am not even lying well). Honesty is always the best policy I guess.... but maybe sometimes, stretching the truth isn't a bad option. 

Love and Lies 

Miss K 

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