The Shrinking Violet

Relationships are funny things when you actually take the time to think about them, they are a risk and you know what they say, with great risk comes great reward, but what happens when the reward never comes? You open your heart and life and give someone the opportunity to destroy you, hoping that they wont but sadly most of the time, they probably will. For anyone that knows me, or the image that I portray of me, I am strong, I am confident, I take no shit and I stand up for myself.  But something happened to me and it happened so gradually that I didn't even realise it and when I did I was powerless to stop it. I lost my way.

I let myself not be a priority, I was coming second best to everything and I let it happen because I didn't know how to fight it. Relationships are about give and take and I seemed to run out of things to give. I wanted so much to be enough and wanted for him to have everything that he wanted just to make him happy.

I lost my voice - I was scared to say anything for fear of back lash, I convinced myself that my opinions didn't matter and that everything I thought was wrong anyway.I didn't want to have an opinion anymore.

My online presence disappeared - I needed to hide from the world, I was unhappy and ashamed and so I convinced myself that I was nothing and that I didn't want the world to see me... I stopped seeing my friends and stopped being present. People starting asking questions and I just didn't have the answers to give as to where I went. 

My writing stopped - I have found that over the years my ability to write has been driven by the sense of wellness I feel in my mind. Writing has always been something that I have enjoyed and been extremely proud of but I lost my desire and I was worried about the way my writing would be received. For the first time ever I actually cared and started to wonder what the point of writing was, everything that I wrote down was rubbish anyway. 

I thought it was acceptable to be spoken down to - I don't like confrontation so when someone is in my face, I will back down... and when someone starts to walk over you, its very hard to get yourself back on level footing. I think he lost respect for me because I wasn't able to stand up for myself and put up a fight. When we first started talking he said to me "we are going to have some monumental arguments" but sadly I just stopped fighting. 

I made excuses for his behaviour, because he was only like that because of things that I had done. It wasn't his fault, he came with a past and I knew that when I started seeing him. I could see that little bit of his soul that still had some sparkle and was untouched by the world.... I held on to that sparkle.That sparkle was beautiful.

I stopped listening and put up walls, with everyone. I think possibly deep down I knew it wasn't right but instead of failing at something else I just stopped talking to people. People didn't understand, or I didn't want to admit that what they were saying was actually correct.

I took the blame for everything, I was convinced that the reason that my relationship failed was because I am a bad person, I didn't try hard enough, I am not open enough, I don't give enough. All that I could think was that I made this happen. If I was some how better, or different or more of the me that I used to be this wouldn't have happened. WHY couldn't I be more of the person that he needed me to be?

I lost my personality, this giant ball of energy that normally sits inside my chest was gone. I lost my will to want to be anything and meet people. I was quiet and reserved and couldn't look people in the eye. Why would anyone want to be around me? To put it plainly, I felt grey.

I convinced myself that I was nothing - and sadly this is the one that I am finding the hardest to get out of. If I couldn't make someone who I cared about and who said they cared about me see that I was something then maybe its true, I really was nothing.

By changing the person that I was, I did myself and my relationship a great disservice. Everything that he had fallen for to begin with was gone because I had forgotten how to be me. I wish that I had have been stronger, that I hadn't felt so much, that I hadn't pulled away. Sometimes it just doesn't matter how much potential something has, when the death knock has rung, there really is no saving things and the only choice you have is to save yourself. I am now left with a crushed self and no confidence. I'm ashamed that I let it happen to me, me who is confident, and strong willed and doesn't take any shit for anyone. I'm sad that I hid it because with each retreat I put the nail further into my coffin.  The signs were always there, I just chose not to notice them. There were supreme moments of amazing and I miss him daily and my head and my heart are constantly waging a war that really no one can win but time. Next time I will try harder... because that's all I can do.

Love and Self Awareness

Miss K 

P.S And to you sir, I thank you. I thank you for the good times and I especially thank you for the bad. We destroyed each other and I understand that now, we are both worth more than what our relationship let us be. I'm sorry that you feel like it was a waste of time and I sincerely hope that one day you can move past that feeling. 

Yeah, no idea... the notes of a writer *cough*

Sometimes I like to play this game where I pretend to be a writer. As part of this game I like to write notes and ideas on every scrap of paper and note book that I can find. I have post its and pencils a plenty, I've got Hoozits and note books galore. You want sheets of paper? I got 20, but who cares, no big deal, I WANT MORE (thanks Little Mermaid for the stolen lyrics). I have been sitting here tonight staring at a picture of a sheep and participating in a little bit of writers block, so in an effort to clear this I decided to flick through my notes and notebooks to find some inspiration. I guess you could call what I found inspiration... though now I am not really sure. In amongst these notes, without a word of a lie, these sentences lay... waiting to be created into something, if only I could remember what that was...

Farting in a Lift 

Rock The Caspar - Pop the Tadpole 

Fight Unfairly - Show your boobs 

Prostitutes Don't Take Selfies 

Funniest First Date Experience - a $2 peep show 

Don't make yourself an island, you might forget how to swim 

Will I be one of those lovely old ladies that are put together with blow waves, cardigans and brooches?

I did always use to wonder what Donkey Kong had to do with the impending death of a nation but who am I to question the Genius that is Dexter Holland. 

Just because a beaver has teeth, don't teeth my beaver.

I bought a Blindfold just so I could have sex without a compliment. Don't look at me. 

Do you find the fatter they are, the better they are at Eating?

Girls can and WILL use you for sex, haven't you seen American Pie?

You can nap any time and no one judges you

I hope I am as tattooed as you by the time I am 30 

Making out with a guy then having to see him at the fire drill 

Scissors and Trolley Jacks 

Depth Perception - Like a cats whiskers

Snap Chatting my Vibrator to the wrong Andrew 

Feeling the Bottom of Cups 

If there is a small child in a pram I like to shake their feet

Doing the pants around the ankles shuffle to retrieve paper and hoping that my arse cheeks don't stick together 

Whats a bit of pee between couples 

Straight men have better hair than you

Wristies are awkward

You cant run two engines at once, you are not Cat Dog 

Where did Kale Come from 

Hi, I'm a rock, I will be your pet rock

Please, by all means if you can make sense of any of the above, please let me know, give me some direction and life to these ideas that obviously at one time meant enough for me to write down. Maybe in my next life I will remember to give things titles.... maybe.

Love and Head Scratchings 

Miss K 

P.S Here is the Sheep that I have been staring at all night. The more you look at it, the funnier it gets.

Just Girly Things

Can I get an Amen sisters?

Libra make the best pads, not because of their innovative design or their high absorbency level but because of the little facts that they print on the glue strips. Its like their way of saying "hey, I know your insides are falling out but here, lets make it an education experience". Good Guy Libra pretty much. 

There is no bigger betrayal in life that your favourite bra rebelling and stabbing you in the heart. I expected that from my friends, not from my support garments. What ever did we do to them anyway? Most people would be happy to be touching my boobs all day every day, but Nooooooo not you. So Ungrateful. 

And on the subject of boobs, you will always have a great amazing boob day when no one is around to see (and you have no one to send them to) as a women I get a lot of unsolicited surprise dick pics. I don't want to be a perpetrator myself... and is it odd to message someone and say "Hey, I am having a great boob day today, would you like to see?". Sorry to the one guy that gets my boobs every time I am having a bonza boob day. I know its a difficult task but you oblige graciously. 

Tampons are like odd socks or Alanis Morissette. You'll have ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife or a tampon in this case. It will be with horror that you have to fosic through your hand bag and come up wanting.... which leads me on to my next point.

Nothing equals the levels of bonding that can be formed from having to ask someone for a tampon. Be it a work mate or a random girl in the toilet. You would think after all this time I would be a little bit more prepared. Right? Yeah Wrong. 

Drunk girls in the toilets will be your best friends in the world and the nicest people you ever meet that you will never see again. And that's a very sad sorry fact of life. Shout out to all the toilet line friends I have made over the years. Without you I wouldn't have had a tampon, some fresh lipstick or support in how much guys suck. I hope you are all doing well. 

The one time you think you are going to get laid and you go to extreme lengths to make sure your body is foot loose, fancy free and without a stray hair in place, he wont show up. That's science. But that's cool because your waxer is the coolest person you know and you will be able to share your disappointment with her next time you go. 

Your period will ALWAYS come at the most inopportune time, especially if you have some event on, like your birthday or riding water slides in Bali. I guess it just doesn't want to miss out on the fun, I can understand that. Also ever wondered why the office girl is always a bitch to you? Yep cause its a special event. 

Don't kid yourself, your hair will never look as good as when the hair dresser does it. I swear them bitches are possessed by Voodoo Magic, and I for one am not complaining, it would be cool if they were willing to share it though. 

In life you will waste a lot of your time painting your nails to make them look real pretty only have them chip the minute the across the roads neighbours cat looks in your direction. And it doesn't matter if its cheap or expensive.... because Nail Polish is a Jerk (not Shellac though because like the reasons above, those little Asian nail ladies are the shit)

You will only ever need to fart at the worst time when there are people around, and if you try to walk away discretely they will follow you. Shit guys, I just want to go for my morning excretion without being followed and judged. Is that too much to ask? 

This is the science of having a Vagina. It is neither pleasant nor fair, but thems the breaks for having boobs I guess 

Love and Lady likeness 

Miss K

What happens when you have a Crush?

I have been sitting here today in quiet reflection and it has occurred to me that I am not very subtle. In anything really. I have a big personality, I am loud and in your face and if I have a crush on someone, generally the whole world knows about it. That's just the way that it has always been and that's fine, but what the world doesn't know is all the crazy things that happen behind the scenes of having a crush. I thought it was time that the world knew... just so the rest of you crazies don't feel alone.  

You think about what kind of children you would have, or actually if they want kids at all. They could be tall and tattooed and totally bad arse. If only you had the opportunity to procreate. Oh why cant we procreate? It would be magnificent. 

You look over interactions constantly. They said this, that must mean that they secretly love me, they are just shy. That's OK, I am just the thing that they need to make them come out of their shell. 

You start to find interest in the things that they like "Oh you like to listen to obscure 1930's Swedish punk music whilst rollerskating? I thought I was the only one" 

You start using words they use, like Grool and that's Grool (its a mix of great and cool, in case you didn't know). Don't they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery?

You sometimes blatantly ignore them. Oh they are sitting right behind me and have come over to talk to me? Well isn't it convenient that I just have to go and get a drink at this exact moment.  Its not you, its me. But I still like you, honest.

You cant look at their photos, because that just makes all those squishy feelings too much to deal with. They all come bubbling up to the surface and threaten to explode. So its best just not to look. For everyones sake. 

You want to like everything that they have ever posted since the beginning of eternity because they are so smart and interesting and witty, but instead you silently stalk their profiles without touching anything because you want to try to hide this one from the world. But in your head you are liking it, then unliking it, just so you can like it again. 

You have a mapped out conversation in your head before you talk to them. "Oh, so you like pie? I like pie! what kind of pie do you like? Why are we talking about pie" 

You find reasons to contact them, one time 7 years ago, they posted on Facebook saying that they were looking for an ancient turtle egg and you just happened to find one of Ebay (not that you went looking for it, you just happened to stumble upon it while looking for something else) so you need to let them to know. 

You Secretly write your new signature in the steam of the shower screen glass. You know, just so you can practice for the certain upcoming nuptials. Its like the perfect crime, one sweep of your hand and all evidence is gone. Perfect. A "K" flows best into an "S" or a "B", or really anything that I can make curvy. 

You mention them to other people but in a round about way that is really subtle so people don't realise that inside you are all gooey for them. But really they know and you aren't fooling anyone. Its just nice to live in that fantasy land thinking that you are fooling people isn't it? 

You don't want to have to contact them all the time and seem to keen so you send telepathic messages and Jedi Mind Tricks out in the universe to get them to contact you and then when they do you do a little smiling jump hop because they are so in tuned to you. If that doesn't show a couple that should be, what does?

You hate every girl that they interact with. Who is this slut? Are they banging? I bet she has a wizard sleeve vagina. Its totally inconceivable that they could just be friends... you have a sixth sense about these things. You are part Jedi after all (please see previous point)

You put in that little bit of an extra effort when there is even an outside chance that you might run into them. These kind of occasions call for a slathering of slap and a drag of the hair brush. You have the next 60 years to show him how unattractive you actually are so may as well trick him while you can.

You store little tid bits of information about them. Its kinda like you have a photographic memory for the information bread crumbs they are willing to give you. Its not creepy, its just taking an interest in who they are as a person and what makes them tick. 

You know that he is coming to a party that you are having so your stalk his Spotify to find his favourite songs and then casually add them to your play list so he thinks you like them as well. He just needs to see how much you both have in common and then it will be on. Oh, How it will be on!** 

I actually hate having those little sparkly crush feelings towards someone. It really is legit the worst. Sure its nice sometimes when you can day dream and be inside that love bubble but rationally that's not a long term viable option. Having a crush on someone generally means constant self doubt and over thinking. Maybe as I've gotten older Ive stopped looking at love with rose coloured glasses on. And you know the worst thing about feelings, you can like anyone you want, but so can they.  

Love and Lusting After 

Miss K 

** this one wasn't actually me, it was a fan submission and it may be the best thing that I have ever heard. That is next level stalking that the likes of my mind could not comprehend. I might have to get her to teach me the ways of her people. It could come in handy in the future.

Things that I don't understand..

God life can be confusing sometimes. I consider myself to be an educated Lass but sometimes I cant wrap my head around things... these things mainly

Belly Buttons - I understand why they are there but really once the Stork has dropped us off (because that's how babies are born) what use do they have. They are weird and deep caverns that fill up with fluff.... and don't even get me started on outies. 

People who do not know the difference between "his" and "he is" - I am known to be a lyrical Nazi (hail Fuhrer) and I am willing to look past most errors. But this one. Like... no. Please. Don't. Enough Westie.

Mens Nipples - do you touch them? why are they there? can they lactate? I am so confused.

Australians that don't like Vegemite - its like our Patriotic right of passage 

People that don't find farts funny - or bodily noises in general. Before I did a burp that sounded like a Raptor roar and it was awesome. Also this one time I farted and it sounded like the roaring in the Lion King when Simba takes back Pride Rock. OK that one wasn't funny, that was just monumentally phenomenal. 

Not picking up money off the ground - you really never know when you are going to need that $0.05 and I don't really care if you call me a scab. I am OK with this. My bank balance negates the need for pride.

Morning People - Gross. I used to date one. It was the worst. We talked about it yesterday, his room mate at work said he probably needs to get checked out. I agree with this sentiment

Smokers under the age of 35 - we grew up in a generation where the dangers of smoking are highly publicised yet people still light up? You what mate?

People that don't read - Books are awesome man. You can go to a world that you cant imagine and experience a life that you never knew you wanted. Plus it gives you a perfect excuse to ignore people when on public transport.

How someone as amazing as me is still single - actually now that I mention it... never mind

How at the age of 32 I still leave the house with my underwear inside out at least once a week  - but that's OK because apparently its lucky. So really I am not retarded, I am just creating my own luck.

Parmas - this has ended relationships but I just cant wrap my head around it? Deep fried chicken covered in cheese and tomato sauce. Yuck. Just Yuck. I would actually prefer dick pics (Please see below)

Doodle Shots - so you like send them because you are keen to get me hot?? Uhhh maybe its just me but when I am watching porn, I don't actually pay attention to the penis. There are other things to look at. I could be doing it wrong I admit buuuutttt probably not. 

People who don't find me funny - have you met me? Like really. 

See, like I said. Confusing....

Love and Head Scratchings

Miss K 

Them Tinder Tingles - Part 2

While researching for my previous blog on Tinder I came across a wealth of reasons as to why the majority of modern day single were signed up. While its not something I believe will work for me, it appears to have a variety of uses for other people. Here are some things to keep in mind behind the motivations of people you meet on Tinder

The are all about the Hook ups - Well der, seeing that is actually the main reason that Tinder was developed. If they are on Tinder then you can make an educated guess that they are DTF (for anyone that doesn't know, that means Down to Fuck(. You can get some action without all the pesky getting to know you questions. Does anyone else remember that song from a few years ago that said "I don't want to know your name, I just want to Bang Bang Bang" Pretty much that's what Tinder is about.

They want to be Pokemon masters - You've got to collect them all. I was out one night with friends a few months ago and all the single lads were on Tinder seeing how many matches they could get. It was a big game and a pissing contest to see who could collect the most in the shortest amount of time. Its kinda like E Fame, it doesn't actually mean anything but people pat themselves on the back for it anyway. High Fives and Fist bumps all around but heed this warning, these people have feelings too... and people can get hurt. Just a little FYI.

Because Trolls don't just live under bridges - but they probably should. Not long after my last painful break up I still had my ex on my Facebook and on logging in after a three week Hiatus the first post that I saw was a lovely Tinder Screen Shot that he had posted along the lines of him say "Whats the difference between me and my couch?" I am sure we have all heard that one. Anyway he posted the screen shot to show the world that he was witty and intelligent and able to crush the finer sex that were out there looking for love. Or something. Actually, I don't really know the reason. To me it seems counter productive just to swipe yes to someone if you are going to troll them from the outset. Try and put yourself in their shoes and get back under your bridge. 

They could be looking to make friends -In this busy day and age its sometimes difficult to make new friends and in reality, in Tinder you have the potential of a friend in every person you encounter. That's a pretty awesome concept when you think about it. You may not go into it looking for a new friend, but sometimes when you meet people you just click and you know that they need to be a part of your life but you probably don't want to bump uglies with them. And that's cool man. Think of the lessons that these friends have the teach you.

Its good for stalking people you know - I don't really understand this one but apparently people go on there just to find their friends. Is it like AH HA exclamation point exclamation point!!!! I found you, now I can laugh and lord this over you. But wait, aren't you on there as well, so cant they do the same for you. I don't know why we get so surprised that people are out in the world looking to get laid, because isn't that a basic human desire?

They like being judgmental Cunts - If someone politely rejects you it makes sense to say all manner of terrible things about them. Actually its the only way, and there are whole website dedicated to screen shots of these beratings. If you are sitting behind a screen you can say what ever you like without any real ramifications, Its kind of a win win situation I guess. Well unless you are on the end of the unkind words. So maybe here is an idea, don't be a cunt. Like, ever. Yeah she may be carrying a bit of extra weight or have tiny squinty eyes (I tick yes to both these things) but she is a person and she does have feelings (please substitute she for he, because I am sure that bitches get in on this action as well). It comes down to that age old lessons that our mummas taught us, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 

A Relationship could sneak up on them - no one I spoke to said that they went on to Tinder specifically to look for a relationship but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what the original reason you joined was, when Cupid is ready to aim his arrow at you, you will be powerless to stop it. These people give me hope that its not the cesspool that I imagine it to be, but I still don't know that it is enough to make me want to dip my toes into the water.  

I think Penny Lane said it best, "I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, you never get hurt, you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends." I guess I have realised that is what Tinder is all about, never taking it seriously and always having fun. Just a thought anyway...

Love and Left Swipes

Miss K

Them Tinder Tingles - Part 1

If you haven't heard about Tinder, you have probably been living under a rock. For the last couple of years, it has been the go to App for singles seeking singles. In this time, I have been a predominately single person but the idea of Tinder gives me Tingles and not the good kind. So it got me thinking, what is my apparent aversion to the app that is connecting the modern day single? I have done on line dating before and really, this is just on line dating but the easier, not so intense and you don't have to fill in one million questions to assess your compatibility with someone else, kind of on line dating. Could it be because of the stigma attached to such an app? at least when you are on line dating, the word dating appears so you can try to convince yourself that it could be something more than it is, or it could be for other reasons entirely. So here it is, the conceivable reasons why I probably will never join Tinder.

I am scared of rejection - even if it is a rejection that I will never actually know about. I will convince myself that they swiped no because my face looks like a smashed crab having sex with a dropped pie. Its the only explanation and I don't care for your reason that they may not have actually seen my profile because there are about one million other women on there. I don't have time for rational.

Its Never Actually about the sex for me - I know that its probably hard for you all to believe but I'm not good at sex and intimacy and have in fact had a few relationships break down from this. I find sex mostly stressful so why would I go out of my way to find a stranger to have sex with? Whats is the protocol even in that? Do you have this kind of conversation "Hi, my name is Kerry, one time a Kookaburra ripped my nose off, my vagina is down there, I hope you don't have a giant foreskin or a weird jap eye". Or do just get naked and hope for the best? I am awkward at the best of times... let alone when there is nudeness involved.

Tinder is full of Trolls - People go on Tinder just to abuse people or make stupid cracks, I know that its all fun and games and you need to take it with a grain of salt but sometimes people can be bastards. Why would I put myself in a situation where I am inviting people to abuse me and tell me that I'm fat and ugly (which from my research is the most common insult). 

There is too many people and too many options - I have the world at my finger tips really, I could have all these guys lining up (ambitious I know) but one thing I learnt from recruiting is that if you give yourself too many options you just get confused and don't make a decision at all. That is what I think Tinder would be like for me. Its also why I don't shop at op shops, I don't like sifting through all the junk to get to the treasure because its too overwhelming. Actually what I really need is someone else to run a Tinder for me, make a short list and let me interview the top three candidates. That sounds like something I could work with.  

Sex I can get - no wanting to toot my own horn but I got that shit if I want it. Fuck I have received two doodle shots this week and all I need is to give the word and it will be on but  I am one of those romantics that believes I deserve more than just a casual roll in the hay. I want ice cream and picnics and hand holding walks and while Tinder does have the ability to give you that, I am still not sure that I am willing to play the odds.

Its not organic -- You are judging someone based on a couple of photos and a few hasty words. I have just found out that height isn't recorded which for me is a problem. As much as I try not to be, I really am a judgemental cunt. There was a meme that I saw recently that said "What do you call a guy under 5'11? A Friend" and I'm pretty much set on that mind set. Hey, don't get me wrong, I have been proven wrong in the past and have had short guys blow me away. Recently "35, 5'7" charmed me so much that I forgot about his height all together. Life is funny like that, it also doesn't hurt that he reminded me of one of my favourite people and he had cool shoes on. So I guess what I am saying is that  not only am I judgement, I am also fickle. You can call me Shallow Hal.

I don't know that I actually like people - I am the eternal hermit. I love being by myself and spending time in my own little world cut off from everyone else. If I was to Tinder I would have to be on my phone, making awkward small talk conversation in multiple windows and it just seems like a lot of effort for really not a lot of reward. I have lots of people around me, I like those people, why do I need more people that are just after me to put their bits in my bit?

I'm Scared of seeing people I know - I don't know why I think there would be judgement in this situation as realistically it would be like the pot calling the kettle black but its still a bit awkward. Its like seeing friends at strip clubs, many years ago before my bestie was my bestie, I ran into her at the Voodoo Lounge and she was very quick to say "Oh, I don't come here often". I didn't care at all but she thought I would judge her, I guess I have the same thinking. Also whats the etiquette here? Do you swipe yes because they are your friends and you want to support them, or do you swipe no because if you were going to bang IRL you would have done it already? What if they don't swipe for you? and what if they do!!!!! See the rabbit hole that you could potentially put yourself down? that shit is stressful and I already have enough stress in my life.

 Talking is OK, but they probably expect something more - I think that I would be able to hold up my end of the deal with the witty conversations that I believe are the basis for all Tinder interactions,  because when it comes to words, I'm the shit (why else would I have this blog right?) but I have realised that Tinder is more than just talking. Its actually about meeting and mingling. Who really has time for that? who wants to go and spend time with people that they don't really know in the hope that they can get acquainted with the other persons intimate self. Plus, I am perpetually poor, I would prefer to spend what little money I have on meeting people that I actually know. What I guess I am getting at is why bother with the talking if you aren't willing to put the actions in behind it?

So there it is, all the things that crossed my mind when for that brief moment I thought about joining tinder, even if it was only just to see what it was all about.  A friend of mine posted on my Facebook wall the other day a motivation quote that said "I am not unlucky in love, I am just extremely good at being single" and she is bang on the money. When you look at it that way, why would I need Tinder? 

Love and Swipes 

Miss K