Friday, 8 May 2015

The Big "O"

By all accounts I came from a very open family, no topic was really off limits to talk about and my parents were strong advocates for education. When I was about 18 or 19 I came home to a shiny wrapped box sitting on my bed, with great glee I tore the paper off the box and flipped the lid and even my very liberal upbringing did not prepare me for what was inside. Lets call a spade a spade and what i had just opened was a sex education box, kinda like a dress up box but for adults. If you could think that you needed it, it was probably in there and there was even a how to VHS and a book on the female Orgasm. Like most teenagers would have done in their truly mortified state I slipped the box under my bed and didn't use it to its potential and now looking back at it I did myself a disservice because of it. That box could have unlocked a world of sexual potential and orgasms for me if I had have only let it.

So I hear you ask what this has got to do with anything? One of my precious little angels asked me a few months ago "How do I know if I have had an Orgasm?" and while I giggled about it, it got me thinking... If you have to ask the question then you most certainly haven't. I probably wasnt the best one to help her with this either because it wasn't until I had one that I realised all of the years that I wasted by not working harder towards it. Sometimes Orgasms are like Hens Teeth so here are some thoughts I have for the first timers

You think you will Wee - That's what it feels like. It starts as a feeling deep inside your belly and you are convinced that if you keep going towards that feeling you will piss everywhere. You wont. I promise you. Squirting is a thing and if you can do that I can guarantee you will make some guys sexual fantasies come true later in life. Its mortifying and a bit soggy for you but its nothing that a towel and a change of sheets can fix, so don't sweat it.

Its OK to watch porn - honestly if you need a little bit of help to turn you on so be it. It doesn't make you a dirty person or anything, its just life. And trust me, there is vanilla porn out there that will account for any ones tastes. These days its so easy to access, not like back in my day where you had to buy a Magazine or rent a VHS. You don't know real pain until you have to look up porn through dial up Internet

Lube is Your friend - this should actually be number 1!!! When I was 18 and had just lost my virginity I was chatting to one of my boyfriends friends and he mentioned that his girlfriend was always a gushing waterfall between her legs (I am using artistic licence with that wording of course) and that if anyone needed to use lube there was something wrong with them. For a long time that thought haunted me and made me think that there was something wrong with me. Now I am like fuck that, throw me in a vat of KY and go to town on me because there is nothing sexy about burning friction. You will just cause yourself pain and want to give up.

Its OK to do yourself - Don't rely on anyone else to give you an orgasm because if you don't even know what you like how is someone else supposed to. In my sexual history I think 5 guys have made me orgasm. That's it. For me its not a magic box that is easy to crack. I don't even expect one these days.... and if I am honest if I know I am having a gentleman caller I generally smash one out before they come because then no one is disappointed.

You probably will want to fake it - Guys have fragile egos, I have faked it, A LOT. Why do this I hear you ask? because I genuinely care about other peoples feelings. I am capable of destroying manhood's in other ways, I don't want to attack their sexual virility as well. I will admit that I am doing this less these days, maybe that is a thing that comes with age.

When you think you cant, do - To start with Orgasms are weird, its a strange sensation and you body is going to tell you to stop. It feels weird, it tickles, it makes your nose itch... what ever. When you get to this point don't give up!!! For god sakes don't give up. You are close, you just need to push over that little hurdle.

It will take more than 30 seconds - Modern literature and movies have kinda fucked us ladies. They depict that women can climax with a suck of the nipple and a stroke of the sex (that's the mummy daddy parts) but in reality this isn't the case. Reaching climax takes work and concentration and staying power. Sometimes it takes me like 40 minutes and while my hand and my body are screaming at me to stop I am not going to give in that easily. You have gone so far, keep going. 

Some are better than others - Again big up yours to modern literature, every fictional orgasm is better than the one before, world destroying, toe curling and has the ability to send you into oblivion. This is bull shit. Sometimes it happens and you are like "oh was that it?' there is nothing world shaking about it, its just a thing that happens and othertimes your eyes roll back in your head and you gasp just because. Orgasms are kinda like take away coffees... some are good, some are average but at the end of the day they are all still coffee.

Just Relax - this one is hard, when someone tells you to relax of course you are going to be that little bit more on edge but really to be successful in the quest for bliss you gotta let go a little bit. If you are constantly thinking about the fact that you are waiting for it to happen or that you might pee then it probably wont happen. Have you heard the saying "a watched pot never boils?" I kinda feel like orgasms are like that as well, lose yourself in the moment and then when the stirrings start, enjoy them and let it happen.

Penetration probably isn't going to cut it - its like a fact that rarely any women (there are statistics but I am not sure of them) will reach climax just from penetration alone so don't put this pressure on yourself. Its OK to help him along the way, if he isn't putting his hand down there and you want it, put your own down there... you will dig it, he will dig it, everyone will dig it.

There is no shame - I don't know why this was a thing but for me (and I know a lot of other girls) playing with myself made me feel odd and like I was doing something naughty or that I shouldn't. Maybe it was my religious back ground or something else but this held me back for a long time. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do something nice for yourself. If you had a giant boogie you would pick it wouldn't you? You just need to look at self pleasure in the same light. Its an itch that you need to scratch and the world will be better when you do

There is no right or wrong way - My first orgasm and 98.3% of my subsequent orgasms have come from using sex toys and there is nothing wrong with that. So what if I cant click my own mouse to get it to start the run program? That's what a hard drive is for (that was the worst metaphor known to man and I apologise but computers aren't my thing). If you need to be sitting in a nest built of sticks while chanting Oprah slogans and staring at a giant man bear pig who wearing a Fedora to get you off then you do that and don't let anyone make you fell bad for it. You are the one in control of your situation, so own it. Different strokes for different folks, there is no correct answer in this equation. 

I think as females the world puts a whole heap of pressure on us to be sexually powerful and orgasm on whim. Like anything in life though you have to work for this. The world gives you enough of a hard time so don't you dare do it to yourself as well. Having an orgasm isn't the be all and end all and it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you if you cant have them all the time. Here is the shocking truth, I was 23 before I had my first orgasm and when it happened it scared the shit out of me. I thought I would pee, I thought I couldn't go on, I didn't know why my body was going all wiggly...but then it happened and I was like oh, OK. They are like everything else in life and you need to work on them to improve them, you weren't good at driving a car from the first go remember. 

Go forth and fiddle my angels, you are worth it!!! 

Love and Elusiveness

Miss K

P.S I would like to dedicate this post to the Royal Family, because they arent doing so great at the moment. We can get through it together.

No comments:

Post a Comment