Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Flying Fuck Offs

How awesome is air travel? these days you can get on a plane and travel nearly anywhere in the world for the cost of your weekly wage. But you know that old saying, you get what you pay for and in flying this is most certainly correct as well. I used to fly across the country ever couple of months and the struggle was real and I am sure that anyone that travels on the regular can sympathise with the following. Here are some points that fuck me off with flying 

No  Snacks - I make the choice to sit at the back of the plane because there is normally a few more seats so the chance of having to sit next to someone is lower, but with this there is the down fall of by the time the snack cart gets to you, good luck in getting the option that you would like. You have been coveting the snack cart with grand dreams of your $5 Cup noodles. Keep dreaming Kid cause there is none of that left for you 

Crowded Baggage Carousels - Yeah we get the point, you want your baggage and you want to get out of there as fast as possible but standing on top of the carousel and blocking the view for everyone else isn't going to make your bag come any faster. Lucky I am tall and I can see over the top of all of these losers. Step back jerks, didn't your mother ever teach you to share?

Seat Recliners - The minute that seat belt sign switches off the person sitting behind you gets a seat to the face. I understand that you want to be comfortable but have you thought about the comfort of the people behind you? I never recline my chair more than one click because I don't want to be that person that some angst filled adult writes a blog about.

Gate Rushers - The call to arms with gate boarding is pointless you know, the plane will not leave without you. Waiting that extra 3 minutes for your row to be called isn't going to add any more time to your travel journey. Patience is a virtue my preciouses. 

People Eating Nuts - This probably upsets me more than most people because of my allergy but being in a confined space with all them nut particles floating around sends me into an itch central and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Except itch and go spotty and then everyone probably thinks I have knits and scabbies and probably crabs as well. I don't, Honest. 

Standing as soon as you dock - You crowding the isles and standing up in your seats is not going to make them open the door any quicker. Take a chill pill. And even if you get out of the plane quicker than everyone else, you are still going have to wait at the claim area like the rest of the suckers. 

Lack of Space - I am sorry discount airlines but I am taller than the midgets that your seats were designed for. I always feel bad for kneeing people in the back but when your seat is on my seat I don't really have a choice. 

Seat Yankers - yeah I know that the plane is moving at a great velocity but do you need to yank my seat every time you walk down the isle? or every time you get up from your seat if you are sitting behind me? Only Jerks get jerking (on seats)... need I say more. 

Luggage Hoarders - Carry on  kids!!! Carry on. Just because you can carry it doesn't mean that you should. One piece, that's pretty much all you should be allowed and pretty much all you should need. I feel sorry for the trolley dollies that have to man handle your shit to make other peoples shit fit. Don't be that guy.

All of the above come down to rule number one, people are arseholes and I guess not everyone is as good of a traveller as I am. Slow down a bit, think of your fellow man and everyone is going to have a much happier experience. Rushing isn't going to get you there any sooner. The plane can only fly as fast as the plane can fly. 

I guess I should be happy that these are my only gripes because in the grand scheme of things they really aren't too bad, I could be a nervous flier and be cloaked in fear that we were going to crash and burn on every turn, that would be less than ideal (though probably a whole heap cheaper). With all the bad there is some good as well, flying gives you a chance for imagination. I am sure I am not the only one that walks into the gate area and susses out the talent. The people I am travelling on the plane with may need to be the only hope for the human race (Have you seen Lost or the Langiliers?) so I need to pick who I shall procreate with in the event of a mid air deserted island disaster. As my dad always says, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. No procreation fail here, I will be sure to repopulate the earth with the best looking children possible. I got this!!!

Also you know what is pretty awesome, I am excited that small hand held electrical devices are now allowed to be used during take off and landing. So next flight you will find me, seat back upright, tray table locked, arm rest down, kindle on and ipod cranking. Yes mate, lets get flying. 

Love and Landings 

Miss K 

P,S you know another positive is the fact that for x amount of time I cant be contacted by the world. No more rushing for my phone to see if anyone is thinking about me, I can just read and listen to music and get away from the world. at 14,000 feet no one can hear you scream. Or something along those lines. 

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