Saturday, 30 May 2015

Don't let it break you...

Break ups can be the worst things to ever happen to us, life as we know it has turned up side down and changed in an instant and we are generally left lost and confused and trying to pick up the pieces and with that comes guilt, failure and feelings of nothing. If you are a women, know a women or have crossed the path of a women who is going through a break up I am willing to put money on the fact that the following phrases have been muttered and its probably time for them to stop...

Why can she make him happy like I never could?  Really? If you never made him happy would he have stayed with you? Its so easy to look at things from the outside and think that its all fairy tale but I can guarantee that isn't always the case. 

I wont find anyone as good as him - There are something like 7 Billion people in the world, the saying is one in million, not one in 7 billion. I know it feels like it now but he wasn't the bees knees. Take the time to think  back about all of the not so great things that he did, isn't it awesome that the next model you get can come without these flaws?

But what about the life we created together?  You had a life before him and you will have a life after him. Look I am not going to lie to you, there is going to be an adjustment period and its going to be hard to decide who gets the giant suction capped shower dildo and the collection of Princess Di pogs but you will work it out. Remember how you didn't actually really like that couch? well now you can get one that's exactly you. Friends know that break ups happen and if they are a good friend they wont pick sides and if they do, then that's their loss. 

But I love him -  You do and sadly part of you always will. The hardest thing in life to realise is that sometimes no matter how much effort you put into something not everything is going to have a happy ending. Love changes over time, just try and keep that in the back of your mind. 

I bet she is prettier than me - Yep, She might be, she might be a perfect 5'6 model with tan skinned and a tiny waist, she may have brows that Tess Munster would envy and have the hair of Repunzel but at the end of the day she isn't you. I think Kanye West is a dick but he once said "someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, But they will never be you". You are beautiful and amazing and perfect so why compare yourself. We need to remind ourselves in this situation that its generally not the new girls fault, she is just being her and she deserves to be happy as well (but look I am actually all for your hating her, she has your toy and you are allowed to be upset).

Why couldn't he love me? Just because something finishes doesn't mean that it never was. You deserve someone who loves you with everything they have, you deserve the love that you are willing to give someone else. He did you a favour by ending it... as hard as that is to hear, now you have a chance for the proper love. 

I should have changed to be more the women that he wanted - yeah you could have but do you want to spend the rest of you life living as someone that you aren't in the hope to keep someone that doesn't want you for you? I can only imagine how exhausting that would be. Everything that has happened to you in life has got you to where you are and the person that you have become so you need to be proud of the person that is standing here now. No one is worth changing for.  

Its my fault - I am sure that you have heard the saying "It takes two to Tango" and this is so so so true in break ups. We only ever relive the times that we "failed" but the picture is much bigger than us. We don't know the reasons or what's going on in his head so its not really fair to take all the blame. 

I should have tried harder -  Harder at what? Given him more blow jobs, made him more sandwiches, not sung so much in the shower? This is kind of the same as changing. You did what was best for you at the time. It was all you had to give and really even if you had more it probably wouldn't have changed the outcome anyway. I gave my last boyfriend a blow job every day, made his lunch for him and got up to fix his breakfast before he left for work and he still left me... sometimes you cant try harder than you already are.

I am worthless without him -  You were worth something before him, you are worth something without him. Do you friends love you any less because now you are just a me instead of a we? Does your value at work change because you don't have a significant other? Does that old lady who you gave your seat to on the tram only half thank you because she knows you are single? You have worth, you always have worth, no one person is the be all and end all. 

I'm a failure -  why? because you couldn't revive a dead horse, because the game was over and you still had a few pieces left on the board? In our heads relationships are easy and should be the most basic thing to achieve but the reality is far from that. If you didn't try then you certainly failed but if you put everything that you had in to it you need to be proud because you did all you could. And in case someone hasn't told you recently, I am proud of you for that.

What is the point of existing if it is without him -  "We" to "me" is a tough transition, it can feel lonely and scary and maybe you have forgotten the person that you were. The best thing about your family and friends is that they always loved you and they will welcome you back with open arm. They are the point of existing. You aren't done with life yet kid, you've got a whole heap more hell to raise, dinners to burn and arses to kick. That is the point of existing.

Why is it so easy for others?  I can tell you for certain that they have their problems as well... we all know people that can go from one relationship to another and it is sometimes hard to understand why that cant happen to you. You haven't learnt the lesson that this life trial is trying to teach you yet, and would it really be fair to go into another relationship nursing the broken heart that you have at the moment. You want to give your new partner the best you, that you have to give. Hopefully where you are going you wont need a porter to carry your baggage. 

I'm going to be alone forever - Forever is a really long time, like really long. You are a good person, I know you don't feel like it but I know that you are and good people don't spend their time alone. And I think Pink said it, just because I am alone does not mean that I am lonely. You are a whole, you don't need a half to complete you... 

Why was it so easy for him to move on -  I honestly wish that I had an answer to that question and its still a question that I ask myself every day. I guess it all comes down to the fact that the heart works in mysterious ways. People feel things at different rates and there is no right or wrong answer. I am also a strong believer that it will all catch up to you in the end. Don't question the timing of life, it knows what its doing.  

Do you know the reason that we need to stop all of this nonsense talk? The world is a tough place and not a single one of us is going to come out alive. We will be faced with challenges and stresses that the world throws at us, why should we add extra to this? Be kind to yourself, dont drag out things that you have no ability to change, remember that you are beautiful and precious and amazing and just over the horizon is something more spectacular than you can even imagine. You are good enough as you are, actually you are perfect as you are and no one has the power to take that away from you. If you can take one thing away from this please please please remember that not everything in this world is your fault. 

Love and Struggles (for the moment anyway)

Miss K 

P.S Don't worry, I know how condescending and arsehole like this sound at the moment if you are in the throws of your own break up but I think I am in a pretty good place to give this advise because now, nine months after the fact of a terrible break  up that destroyed me (for a while at least) I know that all of this is true. Yes I still hurt, yes I still love him, Yes I still miss him and think of him, but I have realised that I deserve more than he was able to give me. I am happy that he has found someone that he is so happy with. It doesn't mean that I have to like it, like her or want to be his friend. It just seems kind of a waste to put so much hatred on someone that at one stage gave you so much happiness. Bitterness will spoil your dish so leave it on the bench.

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