Don't let it break you...

Break ups can be the worst things to ever happen to us, life as we know it has turned up side down and changed in an instant and we are generally left lost and confused and trying to pick up the pieces and with that comes guilt, failure and feelings of nothing. If you are a women, know a women or have crossed the path of a women who is going through a break up I am willing to put money on the fact that the following phrases have been muttered and its probably time for them to stop...

Why can she make him happy like I never could?  Really? If you never made him happy would he have stayed with you? Its so easy to look at things from the outside and think that its all fairy tale but I can guarantee that isn't always the case. 

I wont find anyone as good as him - There are something like 7 Billion people in the world, the saying is one in million, not one in 7 billion. I know it feels like it now but he wasn't the bees knees. Take the time to think  back about all of the not so great things that he did, isn't it awesome that the next model you get can come without these flaws?

But what about the life we created together?  You had a life before him and you will have a life after him. Look I am not going to lie to you, there is going to be an adjustment period and its going to be hard to decide who gets the giant suction capped shower dildo and the collection of Princess Di pogs but you will work it out. Remember how you didn't actually really like that couch? well now you can get one that's exactly you. Friends know that break ups happen and if they are a good friend they wont pick sides and if they do, then that's their loss. 

But I love him -  You do and sadly part of you always will. The hardest thing in life to realise is that sometimes no matter how much effort you put into something not everything is going to have a happy ending. Love changes over time, just try and keep that in the back of your mind. 

I bet she is prettier than me - Yep, She might be, she might be a perfect 5'6 model with tan skinned and a tiny waist, she may have brows that Tess Munster would envy and have the hair of Repunzel but at the end of the day she isn't you. I think Kanye West is a dick but he once said "someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, But they will never be you". You are beautiful and amazing and perfect so why compare yourself. We need to remind ourselves in this situation that its generally not the new girls fault, she is just being her and she deserves to be happy as well (but look I am actually all for your hating her, she has your toy and you are allowed to be upset).

Why couldn't he love me? Just because something finishes doesn't mean that it never was. You deserve someone who loves you with everything they have, you deserve the love that you are willing to give someone else. He did you a favour by ending it... as hard as that is to hear, now you have a chance for the proper love. 

I should have changed to be more the women that he wanted - yeah you could have but do you want to spend the rest of you life living as someone that you aren't in the hope to keep someone that doesn't want you for you? I can only imagine how exhausting that would be. Everything that has happened to you in life has got you to where you are and the person that you have become so you need to be proud of the person that is standing here now. No one is worth changing for.  

Its my fault - I am sure that you have heard the saying "It takes two to Tango" and this is so so so true in break ups. We only ever relive the times that we "failed" but the picture is much bigger than us. We don't know the reasons or what's going on in his head so its not really fair to take all the blame. 

I should have tried harder -  Harder at what? Given him more blow jobs, made him more sandwiches, not sung so much in the shower? This is kind of the same as changing. You did what was best for you at the time. It was all you had to give and really even if you had more it probably wouldn't have changed the outcome anyway. I gave my last boyfriend a blow job every day, made his lunch for him and got up to fix his breakfast before he left for work and he still left me... sometimes you cant try harder than you already are.

I am worthless without him -  You were worth something before him, you are worth something without him. Do you friends love you any less because now you are just a me instead of a we? Does your value at work change because you don't have a significant other? Does that old lady who you gave your seat to on the tram only half thank you because she knows you are single? You have worth, you always have worth, no one person is the be all and end all. 

I'm a failure -  why? because you couldn't revive a dead horse, because the game was over and you still had a few pieces left on the board? In our heads relationships are easy and should be the most basic thing to achieve but the reality is far from that. If you didn't try then you certainly failed but if you put everything that you had in to it you need to be proud because you did all you could. And in case someone hasn't told you recently, I am proud of you for that.

What is the point of existing if it is without him -  "We" to "me" is a tough transition, it can feel lonely and scary and maybe you have forgotten the person that you were. The best thing about your family and friends is that they always loved you and they will welcome you back with open arm. They are the point of existing. You aren't done with life yet kid, you've got a whole heap more hell to raise, dinners to burn and arses to kick. That is the point of existing.

Why is it so easy for others?  I can tell you for certain that they have their problems as well... we all know people that can go from one relationship to another and it is sometimes hard to understand why that cant happen to you. You haven't learnt the lesson that this life trial is trying to teach you yet, and would it really be fair to go into another relationship nursing the broken heart that you have at the moment. You want to give your new partner the best you, that you have to give. Hopefully where you are going you wont need a porter to carry your baggage. 

I'm going to be alone forever - Forever is a really long time, like really long. You are a good person, I know you don't feel like it but I know that you are and good people don't spend their time alone. And I think Pink said it, just because I am alone does not mean that I am lonely. You are a whole, you don't need a half to complete you... 

Why was it so easy for him to move on -  I honestly wish that I had an answer to that question and its still a question that I ask myself every day. I guess it all comes down to the fact that the heart works in mysterious ways. People feel things at different rates and there is no right or wrong answer. I am also a strong believer that it will all catch up to you in the end. Don't question the timing of life, it knows what its doing.  

Do you know the reason that we need to stop all of this nonsense talk? The world is a tough place and not a single one of us is going to come out alive. We will be faced with challenges and stresses that the world throws at us, why should we add extra to this? Be kind to yourself, dont drag out things that you have no ability to change, remember that you are beautiful and precious and amazing and just over the horizon is something more spectacular than you can even imagine. You are good enough as you are, actually you are perfect as you are and no one has the power to take that away from you. If you can take one thing away from this please please please remember that not everything in this world is your fault. 

Love and Struggles (for the moment anyway)

Miss K 

P.S Don't worry, I know how condescending and arsehole like this sound at the moment if you are in the throws of your own break up but I think I am in a pretty good place to give this advise because now, nine months after the fact of a terrible break  up that destroyed me (for a while at least) I know that all of this is true. Yes I still hurt, yes I still love him, Yes I still miss him and think of him, but I have realised that I deserve more than he was able to give me. I am happy that he has found someone that he is so happy with. It doesn't mean that I have to like it, like her or want to be his friend. It just seems kind of a waste to put so much hatred on someone that at one stage gave you so much happiness. Bitterness will spoil your dish so leave it on the bench.

Flying Fuck Offs

How awesome is air travel? these days you can get on a plane and travel nearly anywhere in the world for the cost of your weekly wage. But you know that old saying, you get what you pay for and in flying this is most certainly correct as well. I used to fly across the country ever couple of months and the struggle was real and I am sure that anyone that travels on the regular can sympathise with the following. Here are some points that fuck me off with flying 

No  Snacks - I make the choice to sit at the back of the plane because there is normally a few more seats so the chance of having to sit next to someone is lower, but with this there is the down fall of by the time the snack cart gets to you, good luck in getting the option that you would like. You have been coveting the snack cart with grand dreams of your $5 Cup noodles. Keep dreaming Kid cause there is none of that left for you 

Crowded Baggage Carousels - Yeah we get the point, you want your baggage and you want to get out of there as fast as possible but standing on top of the carousel and blocking the view for everyone else isn't going to make your bag come any faster. Lucky I am tall and I can see over the top of all of these losers. Step back jerks, didn't your mother ever teach you to share?

Seat Recliners - The minute that seat belt sign switches off the person sitting behind you gets a seat to the face. I understand that you want to be comfortable but have you thought about the comfort of the people behind you? I never recline my chair more than one click because I don't want to be that person that some angst filled adult writes a blog about.

Gate Rushers - The call to arms with gate boarding is pointless you know, the plane will not leave without you. Waiting that extra 3 minutes for your row to be called isn't going to add any more time to your travel journey. Patience is a virtue my preciouses. 

People Eating Nuts - This probably upsets me more than most people because of my allergy but being in a confined space with all them nut particles floating around sends me into an itch central and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Except itch and go spotty and then everyone probably thinks I have knits and scabbies and probably crabs as well. I don't, Honest. 

Standing as soon as you dock - You crowding the isles and standing up in your seats is not going to make them open the door any quicker. Take a chill pill. And even if you get out of the plane quicker than everyone else, you are still going have to wait at the claim area like the rest of the suckers. 

Lack of Space - I am sorry discount airlines but I am taller than the midgets that your seats were designed for. I always feel bad for kneeing people in the back but when your seat is on my seat I don't really have a choice. 

Seat Yankers - yeah I know that the plane is moving at a great velocity but do you need to yank my seat every time you walk down the isle? or every time you get up from your seat if you are sitting behind me? Only Jerks get jerking (on seats)... need I say more. 

Luggage Hoarders - Carry on  kids!!! Carry on. Just because you can carry it doesn't mean that you should. One piece, that's pretty much all you should be allowed and pretty much all you should need. I feel sorry for the trolley dollies that have to man handle your shit to make other peoples shit fit. Don't be that guy.

All of the above come down to rule number one, people are arseholes and I guess not everyone is as good of a traveller as I am. Slow down a bit, think of your fellow man and everyone is going to have a much happier experience. Rushing isn't going to get you there any sooner. The plane can only fly as fast as the plane can fly. 

I guess I should be happy that these are my only gripes because in the grand scheme of things they really aren't too bad, I could be a nervous flier and be cloaked in fear that we were going to crash and burn on every turn, that would be less than ideal (though probably a whole heap cheaper). With all the bad there is some good as well, flying gives you a chance for imagination. I am sure I am not the only one that walks into the gate area and susses out the talent. The people I am travelling on the plane with may need to be the only hope for the human race (Have you seen Lost or the Langiliers?) so I need to pick who I shall procreate with in the event of a mid air deserted island disaster. As my dad always says, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. No procreation fail here, I will be sure to repopulate the earth with the best looking children possible. I got this!!!

Also you know what is pretty awesome, I am excited that small hand held electrical devices are now allowed to be used during take off and landing. So next flight you will find me, seat back upright, tray table locked, arm rest down, kindle on and ipod cranking. Yes mate, lets get flying. 

Love and Landings 

Miss K 

P,S you know another positive is the fact that for x amount of time I cant be contacted by the world. No more rushing for my phone to see if anyone is thinking about me, I can just read and listen to music and get away from the world. at 14,000 feet no one can hear you scream. Or something along those lines. 

How to be a Better Being

Today I was thinking about the state of the nation, about the people that surround me and the vibe that fills the air, I was sitting on a tram with a bunch of Zombies who had no idea about the world that was going on around them and that made me kind of sad. The other day I wrote a post about things I wanted to achieve to make my life better and I am ashamed to realise that I had very little in there that in turn would make other peoples lives better as well, so I have decided to make a second list, a list of things I would like to do  for other people. Here are some things  that I am going to try to start doing to help to make someone else's life as good as I hope mine can be, 

Give out a compliment - if you see someone with a nice scarf or tremendous eye brows that you envy, tell them!! Its always a great confidence boost when someone notices something that you are proud of. Just a warning heads up on this one though, I can guarantee if you see someone wearing something that you like they would have got it from England or the Moon or somewhere that is unobtainable... just to piss you off.  

Leave a random surprise for a stranger - Have you just finished an amazing book you would like to share? Leave it with a note on a table in a food court. Fold a crane and write love note on its wings for the world. Have a few hours left on your parking ticket? Put it back in the machine for the next person to use. Let it be anonymous, things are better when no one knows that its you. 

Give Positive Feedback - Most people focus only the bad aspects of service, change that. If you find someone has done an amazing job, speak to their manager, put it in writing. Its hard to do a good job sometimes so its nice to be recognised. Generally if someone says you are doing a good job, you keep doing a good job. Positive reinforcement and all that stuff. 

Let someone else go first - that person behind you in the deli that only has one item, or the person standing at the bar next to you, let them be served first and give them a smile. Its nice to be put first once in a while. This probably also includes letting someone in, in traffic, I don't drive but if I did I would try to do this.

Get off the phone will being served - do you like it when people don't acknowledge you while you are doing something for them? Don't be that guy, yeah they are doing their job but they are people as well. I am still friends with a couple of guys that used to come and buy food off me when I was 17 (si we are talking 15 years), they took the time to talk to me and a friendship grew from that. Remember Strangers are just friends you haven't made yet. 

Help the Elderly / People with kids - If you see an elderly person walking with their shopping, ask to carry it, a parent struggling with their pram, HELP THEM. Today a guy with a pram, a kid and a back pack was trying to struggle off his jumper, I grabbed the sleeve so he could pull his arm out and he thanked me. Undressing people on the tram is probably not something I thought I would do today but that 5 seconds of my life helped to make someone Else's day better.

Give up your seat - hopefully we all do this for elderly, the pregnant or the injured but have you thought about doing it for someone that has an armful of shopping and weary expression on their face? Especially living here in Inner City Melbourne where a lot of people don't have cars they rely heavily on public transport and that means carting all your groceries on the tram. If someone was to offer me a seat when I have my shopping I would be eternally grateful, so next time I see a me on the tram I am 100% going to give up my seat.

Hold the Door - This is something so simple, if you see someone coming behind you, be a gentleman and hold the door for them, if you see someone running for a lift, stick your foot in it to wait. You would want someone to do it for you. 

Talk to an Elderly Person - take a moment to think about how you would feel if you didn't have much meaning to your life, no job, not many friends and the isolation of not being able to get out and about as easily as you can now. If that was your situation would you want people to take the effort to engage with you? Taking a moment out of your day to speak to these people will mean more to them than you will probably ever realise

Be Less Judgmental - You don't know the struggle that other people are going through so keep your nasty judgmental social commentary to yourself. I bet your mum told you when you were small "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"I think that some where along the line we have forgotten this basic rule. I know I am very very guilty of it. So it stops, today. Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. 

Smile - Simple. That's it, there is no big secret to this one, you don't know what your smile could mean to someone.  

I guess all it really comes down to is, don't be a jerk. Treat others how you would like to be treated As a thought, these things are free and will only a take a second but they have the potential to have a huge impact. Do you know what the best thing about taking these small steps will be? You will be filled with a nice warm squishy feeling on your insides and that's pretty cool. And just think, one good deed deserves another so the person that you made smile could go on to make someone else smile and we could have a smile epidemic on our hands. That's an infection that I am willing to sign up for. I think Michael Moore said it best "be a part of a we and not just a me", that's something we should all aspire too.

Love and Paying Forward

Miss K

32 achievements for my 32nd Year

You know how facebook has that whole time hop thing? well today mine reminded me of the one goal that I set for my 31st trip around the sun,  It was a simple goal along the lines of getting real Internet and learning to download. I am typing this while connected to an Internet dongle and watching shows that were downloaded for me by one of me BBRH crew so yeah you could say it was an outstanding success. You could say that but you would probably be wrong and that's cool too. On Friday I will be 32, yep that's right 32 years young and since I did so well at my 31st Goal I thought I would kick it up a notch and make a list of 32 things that I would like to achieve in my 32nd year. 

1. Watch a sunrise over the ocean 

2. Give Blood (this means no tattoos for the next 6 months which should be easy)

3. See and touch Snow

4. Be more engaged and present in the world

5. Fire a Gun 

6. Ride a horse

7. Start some study - who knows what. Just something. Expand my mind like I expand my 

arse 

8. Go to bed earlier

9. Read 10 Classic Novels 

10. Find more beauty in the world

11. Buy and wear expensive lingerie, just for me, just because.

12. Keep in check with my beauty regime, invest in myself, I am my number one asset 

13. Pat more cats 

14. Buy a piece of art 

15. Share a bottle of expensive wine with someone special 

16. Get my nan to teach me how to knit 

17. Master a new recipe 

18. Give someone a second chance

19. Really listen to how people are

20. Pay my bills on time to get the pay early discount 

21.  Eat at an award winning restaurant 

22. Grow more plants

23. Join the library 

24. Take the time to talk to strangers, they have stories too 

25. Save $1000

26. Explore more

27. Become less bitter, just because one did it doesn't mean they all will

28. Lay down and look at the clouds / stars 

29. Earn more money

30. Make more time for my friends 

31. Ask a guy on a date (and have him say yes)

and finally

32. Love myself, just the way I am!!!

So there it is. Hopefully these bad boys are achievable, manageable and most importantly enjoyable.Who knows how many more years I have left so a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. This is exciting!!!  Bring on 32, which by the way is also my favourite GTR. Coincidence? I think not.

Love and Goal Setting

Miss K 

P.S I did the how Old are you? and it said I was 21. I will take that. Also when I was asked how  old I would be and I told the questioner that I was turning 32 She told me Congratulations, I thought that was a bit weird but we should all get congratulated on not dying once in a while. So to all of you, congratulations too.

P.P.S Here is a 32.5 if you will, if Friday manages to roll around and my figure is still intact and my boobs are still pointing skywards I am going to send them some where for people to see. It would be a shame to not celebrate this, I am Proud of the body that has got me this far and want to show it off.

The Big "O"

By all accounts I came from a very open family, no topic was really off limits to talk about and my parents were strong advocates for education. When I was about 18 or 19 I came home to a shiny wrapped box sitting on my bed, with great glee I tore the paper off the box and flipped the lid and even my very liberal upbringing did not prepare me for what was inside. Lets call a spade a spade and what i had just opened was a sex education box, kinda like a dress up box but for adults. If you could think that you needed it, it was probably in there and there was even a how to VHS and a book on the female Orgasm. Like most teenagers would have done in their truly mortified state I slipped the box under my bed and didn't use it to its potential and now looking back at it I did myself a disservice because of it. That box could have unlocked a world of sexual potential and orgasms for me if I had have only let it.

So I hear you ask what this has got to do with anything? One of my precious little angels asked me a few months ago "How do I know if I have had an Orgasm?" and while I giggled about it, it got me thinking... If you have to ask the question then you most certainly haven't. I probably wasnt the best one to help her with this either because it wasn't until I had one that I realised all of the years that I wasted by not working harder towards it. Sometimes Orgasms are like Hens Teeth so here are some thoughts I have for the first timers

You think you will Wee - That's what it feels like. It starts as a feeling deep inside your belly and you are convinced that if you keep going towards that feeling you will piss everywhere. You wont. I promise you. Squirting is a thing and if you can do that I can guarantee you will make some guys sexual fantasies come true later in life. Its mortifying and a bit soggy for you but its nothing that a towel and a change of sheets can fix, so don't sweat it.

Its OK to watch porn - honestly if you need a little bit of help to turn you on so be it. It doesn't make you a dirty person or anything, its just life. And trust me, there is vanilla porn out there that will account for any ones tastes. These days its so easy to access, not like back in my day where you had to buy a Magazine or rent a VHS. You don't know real pain until you have to look up porn through dial up Internet

Lube is Your friend - this should actually be number 1!!! When I was 18 and had just lost my virginity I was chatting to one of my boyfriends friends and he mentioned that his girlfriend was always a gushing waterfall between her legs (I am using artistic licence with that wording of course) and that if anyone needed to use lube there was something wrong with them. For a long time that thought haunted me and made me think that there was something wrong with me. Now I am like fuck that, throw me in a vat of KY and go to town on me because there is nothing sexy about burning friction. You will just cause yourself pain and want to give up.

Its OK to do yourself - Don't rely on anyone else to give you an orgasm because if you don't even know what you like how is someone else supposed to. In my sexual history I think 5 guys have made me orgasm. That's it. For me its not a magic box that is easy to crack. I don't even expect one these days.... and if I am honest if I know I am having a gentleman caller I generally smash one out before they come because then no one is disappointed.

You probably will want to fake it - Guys have fragile egos, I have faked it, A LOT. Why do this I hear you ask? because I genuinely care about other peoples feelings. I am capable of destroying manhood's in other ways, I don't want to attack their sexual virility as well. I will admit that I am doing this less these days, maybe that is a thing that comes with age.

When you think you cant, do - To start with Orgasms are weird, its a strange sensation and you body is going to tell you to stop. It feels weird, it tickles, it makes your nose itch... what ever. When you get to this point don't give up!!! For god sakes don't give up. You are close, you just need to push over that little hurdle.

It will take more than 30 seconds - Modern literature and movies have kinda fucked us ladies. They depict that women can climax with a suck of the nipple and a stroke of the sex (that's the mummy daddy parts) but in reality this isn't the case. Reaching climax takes work and concentration and staying power. Sometimes it takes me like 40 minutes and while my hand and my body are screaming at me to stop I am not going to give in that easily. You have gone so far, keep going. 

Some are better than others - Again big up yours to modern literature, every fictional orgasm is better than the one before, world destroying, toe curling and has the ability to send you into oblivion. This is bull shit. Sometimes it happens and you are like "oh was that it?' there is nothing world shaking about it, its just a thing that happens and othertimes your eyes roll back in your head and you gasp just because. Orgasms are kinda like take away coffees... some are good, some are average but at the end of the day they are all still coffee.

Just Relax - this one is hard, when someone tells you to relax of course you are going to be that little bit more on edge but really to be successful in the quest for bliss you gotta let go a little bit. If you are constantly thinking about the fact that you are waiting for it to happen or that you might pee then it probably wont happen. Have you heard the saying "a watched pot never boils?" I kinda feel like orgasms are like that as well, lose yourself in the moment and then when the stirrings start, enjoy them and let it happen.

Penetration probably isn't going to cut it - its like a fact that rarely any women (there are statistics but I am not sure of them) will reach climax just from penetration alone so don't put this pressure on yourself. Its OK to help him along the way, if he isn't putting his hand down there and you want it, put your own down there... you will dig it, he will dig it, everyone will dig it.

There is no shame - I don't know why this was a thing but for me (and I know a lot of other girls) playing with myself made me feel odd and like I was doing something naughty or that I shouldn't. Maybe it was my religious back ground or something else but this held me back for a long time. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do something nice for yourself. If you had a giant boogie you would pick it wouldn't you? You just need to look at self pleasure in the same light. Its an itch that you need to scratch and the world will be better when you do

There is no right or wrong way - My first orgasm and 98.3% of my subsequent orgasms have come from using sex toys and there is nothing wrong with that. So what if I cant click my own mouse to get it to start the run program? That's what a hard drive is for (that was the worst metaphor known to man and I apologise but computers aren't my thing). If you need to be sitting in a nest built of sticks while chanting Oprah slogans and staring at a giant man bear pig who wearing a Fedora to get you off then you do that and don't let anyone make you fell bad for it. You are the one in control of your situation, so own it. Different strokes for different folks, there is no correct answer in this equation. 

I think as females the world puts a whole heap of pressure on us to be sexually powerful and orgasm on whim. Like anything in life though you have to work for this. The world gives you enough of a hard time so don't you dare do it to yourself as well. Having an orgasm isn't the be all and end all and it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you if you cant have them all the time. Here is the shocking truth, I was 23 before I had my first orgasm and when it happened it scared the shit out of me. I thought I would pee, I thought I couldn't go on, I didn't know why my body was going all wiggly...but then it happened and I was like oh, OK. They are like everything else in life and you need to work on them to improve them, you weren't good at driving a car from the first go remember. 

Go forth and fiddle my angels, you are worth it!!! 

Love and Elusiveness

Miss K

P.S I would like to dedicate this post to the Royal Family, because they arent doing so great at the moment. We can get through it together.