Sunday, 20 January 2013

How to be a woman from a Romance Novel

As possibly embarrassing as it is, I am about to admit something that most normal people probably wouldn't. My name is Kerry and I am a big fan of trashy romance novels. I read a lot and seem to alternate between something hard hitting and serious to a trashy romance to lift my spirits. This has been going on for a few years and in this time I have learnt some valuable "lessons" on how to win a man. There are characteristics that all these women possess that I feel we can take note of

- Women aren't successful until a man comes along, they will be working but will be floundering at having a professional career. The man shall come along, help her along her away and along with love she will also gain a fulfilling career (commonly he will own the company that she works for and thus secures her success this way, while trying to make her think that she did it all by herself). 

- Women are fundamentally liars. Not liars to a bad degree but a liar none the less. Generally these lies are centred around wanting people to like them and think that they are more successful than what they actually are, these would be lies like "I do Kick Boxing" "I love Opera" etc 

- Women are always damsels in distress, they are just waiting to be rescued from the terrible life that they have created themselves and be whisked away into a life of expensive luxury (because lets face it ALL of the men in these books are tall, good looking with a full head of hair and RICH, filthily successfully rich)

- Women are bad with money, they forget to pay their bills, their quest to be cutting edge sends them into severe credit card debt and their share flat rent is always more than what they can afford. 

- Women have a supreme skill of avoiding issues, when things get to much for them they just sweep it under the carpet and try to pretend that  it doesn't exist. This could be the credit card bills as mentioned above, the relationship they have with their mother or the fact that they may not actually be capable or qualified for their jobs. I think this is called the Ostrich approach. 

- Women are incapable of co-ordination. If they are walking along a flat surface they will inevitably fall over. This may be due to the fact that they ALWAYS wear ridiculously high heels (they don't start off as designer but then of course after time with a rich boyfriend of course he showers them in the finery that they so rightly deserve but have been sorely missing out on so far in their lives). General blundering though is inevitably an endearing quality and its what makes the man fall in love with them. 

- Women will always hate the man that they inevitably fall in love with. On first impressions they will think him to be a pompous arrogant so and so. He will see her as a challenge and will follow her (some may say stalk) until she finally yields and realises that she cant live without him and surrenders totally to him. 

- Women are meant to be confused about men, it is in fact unnatural for a man to show emotion and attention so when he treats you terribly due to his messed up child hood or tragic event in his life, a women must indeed take it on the chin because she knows deep down that he does really care about her. 

- Women come from small towns and get stressed by the big city life. They moved for career or study but this puts them a long way away from their families so they have a very limited support network (but also somewhere good for them to run away too when they need to get away from their problems)

I can hear all my women readers out there tutting about how incorrectly women are portrayed in these stories and I would agree with you whole heartily. Yes I may be bad with money and am possibly co-ordinationally challenged but I feel that is as far as the similarities go. I am not one for the treat em mean keep em keen attitude and would kick a guy to the curb so quickly if he tried to control me or was incapable of telling me how he really felt. I don't need a rich man to secure me a good career because I have done this myself and I have not yet come across a man that I hated and then realised that I actually loved (well there was this one boy, I hated him, then we became friends and I decided I liked him, then he told me he was gay, That was awkward but is indeed a story for another time). 

If we all so vehemently disagree with the stereotypes that these books portray, why do we still lap that shit up? I don't honestly have an answer for that, I guess it may be because at the end there is always a happy ending and if we are honest that is all anyone is ever really looking for.

And heck, who knows maybe I am looking at this situation wrong, maybe I should embrace my inability to walk or save my money to my advantage. I should start acting the damsel and be less successful in my career and just wait around for the Tall, dark, handsome with the amazing full head of hair and the private jet to show up and after some initial confusion about his motives, sweep me off my feet. It cant hurt right?

Love and Ostriches 

Miss K

P.S I know its bad, but I am just about to pick the book that I am reading up and try and finish it off, because really the happily ever after ending is the best bit 

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