How to be a woman from a Romance Novel

As possibly embarrassing as it is, I am about to admit something that most normal people probably wouldn't. My name is Kerry and I am a big fan of trashy romance novels. I read a lot and seem to alternate between something hard hitting and serious to a trashy romance to lift my spirits. This has been going on for a few years and in this time I have learnt some valuable "lessons" on how to win a man. There are characteristics that all these women possess that I feel we can take note of

- Women aren't successful until a man comes along, they will be working but will be floundering at having a professional career. The man shall come along, help her along her away and along with love she will also gain a fulfilling career (commonly he will own the company that she works for and thus secures her success this way, while trying to make her think that she did it all by herself). 

- Women are fundamentally liars. Not liars to a bad degree but a liar none the less. Generally these lies are centred around wanting people to like them and think that they are more successful than what they actually are, these would be lies like "I do Kick Boxing" "I love Opera" etc 

- Women are always damsels in distress, they are just waiting to be rescued from the terrible life that they have created themselves and be whisked away into a life of expensive luxury (because lets face it ALL of the men in these books are tall, good looking with a full head of hair and RICH, filthily successfully rich)

- Women are bad with money, they forget to pay their bills, their quest to be cutting edge sends them into severe credit card debt and their share flat rent is always more than what they can afford. 

- Women have a supreme skill of avoiding issues, when things get to much for them they just sweep it under the carpet and try to pretend that  it doesn't exist. This could be the credit card bills as mentioned above, the relationship they have with their mother or the fact that they may not actually be capable or qualified for their jobs. I think this is called the Ostrich approach. 

- Women are incapable of co-ordination. If they are walking along a flat surface they will inevitably fall over. This may be due to the fact that they ALWAYS wear ridiculously high heels (they don't start off as designer but then of course after time with a rich boyfriend of course he showers them in the finery that they so rightly deserve but have been sorely missing out on so far in their lives). General blundering though is inevitably an endearing quality and its what makes the man fall in love with them. 

- Women will always hate the man that they inevitably fall in love with. On first impressions they will think him to be a pompous arrogant so and so. He will see her as a challenge and will follow her (some may say stalk) until she finally yields and realises that she cant live without him and surrenders totally to him. 

- Women are meant to be confused about men, it is in fact unnatural for a man to show emotion and attention so when he treats you terribly due to his messed up child hood or tragic event in his life, a women must indeed take it on the chin because she knows deep down that he does really care about her. 

- Women come from small towns and get stressed by the big city life. They moved for career or study but this puts them a long way away from their families so they have a very limited support network (but also somewhere good for them to run away too when they need to get away from their problems)

I can hear all my women readers out there tutting about how incorrectly women are portrayed in these stories and I would agree with you whole heartily. Yes I may be bad with money and am possibly co-ordinationally challenged but I feel that is as far as the similarities go. I am not one for the treat em mean keep em keen attitude and would kick a guy to the curb so quickly if he tried to control me or was incapable of telling me how he really felt. I don't need a rich man to secure me a good career because I have done this myself and I have not yet come across a man that I hated and then realised that I actually loved (well there was this one boy, I hated him, then we became friends and I decided I liked him, then he told me he was gay, That was awkward but is indeed a story for another time). 

If we all so vehemently disagree with the stereotypes that these books portray, why do we still lap that shit up? I don't honestly have an answer for that, I guess it may be because at the end there is always a happy ending and if we are honest that is all anyone is ever really looking for.

And heck, who knows maybe I am looking at this situation wrong, maybe I should embrace my inability to walk or save my money to my advantage. I should start acting the damsel and be less successful in my career and just wait around for the Tall, dark, handsome with the amazing full head of hair and the private jet to show up and after some initial confusion about his motives, sweep me off my feet. It cant hurt right?

Love and Ostriches 

Miss K

P.S I know its bad, but I am just about to pick the book that I am reading up and try and finish it off, because really the happily ever after ending is the best bit 

You are a quirky little thing arent you?

Every person has quirky little nuances that are specifically them. I was thinking about this today when I went to the bathroom at work and had to change cubicles because the toilet seat was down on the cubicle that I entered, yes that's one of my quirks. If I enter a communal toilet (other than at someones home of course) and the toilet seat is down I will have to change cubicles to find one that has the lid up, I hear you ask why, and well I am not really sure. I think possible in my head I am worried about opening it and finding a body part in there (yes I know that is very unlikely but that's what plays in my head). I can laugh about these things, so hopefully you can as well

If I get one hand wet I HAVE to wet the other hand as well. Its to the point that I have had to turn around and go back to the water source to wet both hands and start again.

If I see a box or bag on the road I can not run over it, I will avoid it at all costs (even if its just a Maccas Bag) because other than having a really low car, I am always convinced that the bag was full of kittens. Again I am unsure as to where the idea of this come from but I have an inkling that it was from someone telling me that they drowned unwanted kittens in bags.

I googled Bag in the MIiddle of the Road and Legit this picture came up... maybe its not just me

When going driving I always prime the car before putting my seat belt on. Maybe I was scared of the car blowing up or catching on fire, you can escape a lot easier if you don't have a seat belt on (hey, I had a Nissan, I guess these thoughts aren't totally unfounded. I did have one engine fire after all)

While having a shower I always wash my left boob first, I pick up the soap and wash away and then go on to my arm. I cant do it out of order, it just doesn't feel right (maybe that's why my left boob is better, it gets more attention)

I always put my left shoe and sock on first and my left leg in my pants first. I am right handed as well... this one is a bit strange

On shoes, I will design my whole outfit around what sneakers I would like to wear for the day. It never works if you try and do it the other way around.

When I put on handcream I put a small dot on each of the tips of my fingers and one dot at the bottom of my palm. I guess its provides more even coverage?

Sometimes to much of one food makes me full and sick but if I eat something of the opposite genre I feel instantly better. For example if I feel sick from too much sweet stuff, I will have something savoury, I feel instantly better. Maybe this resets my bodies sick reflex (much like they use Coffee between each different scent when smelling perfume)

When I get tired my body gets itchy, like uncontrollably itchy all everywhere. Its hard to hide from people who tell you to go to bed because you are tired when you proclaim you aren't but are still itching like you have the pox (I dont have the Pox by the way)

If I am sitting typing I will cock my head to the side, it makes it easier to see the screen this way. This always provides much amusement to my work colleagues who have now taken to mocking me

I always sneeze five times consecutively. This is really annoying and also pretty dangerous when I run out of air and get light headed. This isn't Ideal. Most people that hang out with me regularly know not to say Bless you until I am done. Apparently 5 sneezes in a row isn't even a thing and I should just sneeze normally. I will be sure to keep that one in mind

On Sneezing, when I do sneeze my left leg lifts up, kinda like the start of a step. Its rather strange. I had an ex boyfriend point it out to me one day and while he maintained that he thought it was cute, I tried desperately to not do it after this day. I don't want anyone to think I am a dog and I am about to let my widdles out 

I get the Hiccups at least twice a day, without fail EVERY DAY. I think my Diaphragm must be in the wrong place (I guess its pretty lucky that I have never gotten pregnant then isn't it)

I would constantly (at least once a week) panic that I had lost my car keys WHILST I was driving my car. Apparently my car could run on hopes and dreams 

If a word has an M and N in it my brain has difficulty in computing how to say it and unless I am really concentrating the M and the N trade places just to piss me off and make me sound like a retard. Anyone for Donimos? FUCCKKKKK DOMINOS!!!!!DOMINOS DOMINOS!!!!!

I don't like to wear underwear and if I didn't have to I probably never would. If I am home and not planning to leave the house again, chances are my underwear is off. I guess its the first step towards becoming a nudist. 

Yeah, I guess I never claimed to be normal. 

Love and M&Ns

Miss K 

The first time I knew you existed...

We meet people every day but there are some people that stand out to you. Its these people that touch our lives or change our beings. They say you dont get a second chance to make a first impression, so here are my first impressions of people that have come into my life and changed it in some way 

Sitting on my friends couch in Jordan 4s, Grey Shorts and a smile that I instantly 

knew was trouble.

Standing on the grass at a Race Course with a smoke in your hand and a sparkle in your eye

Hanging at a party getting up to Questionable activities and driving when you shouldn’t

Holding a Vodka Lime and Soda at a dodgy Casino Bar with a wealth of knowledge while my friends tried to pull me away.

Walking down the hill with your hands in you pocket and the best bone structure

 I had ever seen

,

It was your socks I saw first, I looked up to see a shiny mass of angel hair.

Leaning on your car with Dirty Tri spokes on a Cold Autumn Morning.

Sitting two seats away from me at a bar nursing a jug of beer, I heard your accent and

 knew we would be friends.

Standing tall at the back of a circle of people that were captivated by my story, your imput made me realise I had met my equal

Hanging out in front of a toilet over looking a beautiful valley with green wheels

 and a sticker with a  swan on it.

Standing in my shed holding a manifold with your beautiful blonde girlfriend at your side.

Walking into a crowd behind my best friend with a shy look on your face

 and eyes that captivated me.

Standing across from me in a park with a camera to your eye and a 

purple lining to your hood.

Taking up space at a bar next to me, I could feel your height before I saw it.

 You have soft hair.

Smoking a cigarette with your Helmet in your hand and long unruly dread locks.

Leaning against your car in a dimly lit carpark looking at my boobs and oozing confidence and cockiness

It was your eyes, crystal blue like nothing I had seen before. They saw into my soul and I would give you what ever you wanted, you only had to ask

Strangley I can also remember what I was wearing at each one of these encounters, I only wish my memory was better so I could remember them all. Recall the first time you met important people in your life, its worth it. 

I wonder what peoples first memory of me is? from now on I am going to try and make every first impression start with a smile. I want to be known for good things... 

Love and Recollections 

Miss K 

If you dont know me, please let this be your first impression. 

Smiling Eyes and an Open Heart 

29 Things about a 29 Year Old

I have been wandering this earth for 29.5 years, so I have decided to give you something for each of these years. I don't know why, but I think I am interesting. So please enjoy my 29.5 interesting facts about Miss K 

1. I have an irrational fear of horses that stemmed from an early age. I had a horse bolt with me on the back when I was really young and I was scarred from that. When I was 19 I decided to give them bastards another go and the one I tried to pat knocked me over and hit me with its head. So to horses I say pfft to you. You can take your giant heads somewhere else. I am getting better though and this year I may even pat one... maybe 

2. I battled and beat depression but I am not so full of myself to think that it wont happen again. Its always there knocking at my door.

 

3. I pick my nose and really I am not ashamed to admit it. There is nothing like getting out that big annoying boogie that's just making life within your nose a living hell. Its fantastic, I will challenge anyone to argue with me on this fact 

4. I like birds. I find them to be happy creatures, the way they cock their heads to the side to look at your with their beady little eyes. How can you not smile about that?

5. I like birds so much that I have 5 bird tattoos. I have two Cranes, two swallows and a Giant Peacock called Norman that are there for the ever

6. I am a Glass is Half full kinda girl. Always. 

7. I am scared of everything all of the time, but I am also to stubborn to let it affect my life. I am a born leader and I know that people are just as scared as me so I like to take the lead to make it easier for everyone else. 

8. Even at this age I get night terrors which wake me up in fits and screams. I have had them for years and since I was young I have always thought of the same thing to make me feel better. If I was up scared I imagine the CareBear Car coming through the clouds. It calms me down, possibly because it is something familiar 

9. I cant remember the last time that I slept the whole night through. Four night terrors per night are pretty normal business in the Miss K bed. I have become a pro at functioning on no sleep 

10. I have finally found a career that I am excelling at AND enjoying. I have always been good at my job but I haven't felt like I have made a difference and now I do and gosh Darn I am pretty proud of myself for that

11. Music is my everything. I don't like silence, it sends me a bit crazy. A day without music is a day that I have failed to live or experience. Life is punctuated by the musical interludes that go along with activities that we do 

12. I have the ability to make friends easily and where ever I go. I am a firm believer that life is all about the people that you meet and that everyone that comes into your life was meant to be there, whether it be for 5 minutes or 50 years. All you need to do is give most people a lead and they will take it. Human nature is like that 

13. I live for cheesy motivational quotes and have them written on bits of paper or dockets everywhere. Its easy to loose focus on life and I like these little pieces of wisdom around me to remind me of the direction I want to go in 

14. I have taken to sharing my favourite motivations in the form of paper cranes. I learnt many years ago how to fold paper cranes, it started out as a need to keep my hands busy because I struggle to sit still but its now turned into my way of reaching out to the world and putting a smile on other peoples faces. Every day I fold a crane out a scrap of Paper that I have in my bag or find on the ground and when its folded I write a motivation on its wings and leave it for someone to find. Something that costs me nothing can bring a smile to someone who may be having a bad day. This is the shit that I live for 

Today is your time to shine - On a Ralph Lauren Romance Scent Card

15. I love my own company. I have always been a loner but being alone doesn't at all mean that I am lonely. There is something so simple about taking the time to enjoy the world without the chatter of someone else. 

16. My mind is constantly going and I am very flighty. I find it hard to sit still or stay in the same place with the same people. I have come across a handful of people in my life that make me feel still when I am with them. They give me a chance to just breath and make my world not so crazy. I am forever in debt to them for this. 

17. I always wish to be more than I am, quicker than its possible to be. I am my harshest critic. I see where I want to be and get angry that I am not there straight away. Its all about learning and giving myself time to grow, I know this, Just my head forgets sometimes 

18. As I have gotten older I have become less high strung. As a child I was a whiney little bitch who was stressed about everything but now I am older things don't bother me so much. I have also learnt to control my temper better and keep my opinions to myself when it doesn't really matter what I think 

19. I love smart Hip Hop, it helps me to think. There are two types of music in this world, Music that makes you think and music that makes you dance. I am still not sure which one is the more important kind

This guy is smart.... he makes me think

20. One of the best feelings in the world is fresh sheets and newly shaved legs. It turns me into a little kid again, I cant help but get into bed and wiggle around like a monkey to take in all of the smooth (oh and of course to untuck the sheets that I inevitably tucked in way too tight)

21. When I was a little kid my nickname amongst my family was Wally Wally and its actually much more innocent than what it sounds. My cousin couldn't say my name and Wally is kinda close to my surname. I hate when people call me Kezza, I find it to be so bogan and that's just not who I am. There is one person that can get away with it and he is one of my closest friends and probably he wouldn't get away with it if he didn't give me such good hugs and tell me that he loves me as often as he does

22. I am strongly for same sex marriage and equality. I don't believe that love has a gender and you love a person for who they are not for what is between their legs. Love is Love. Its really as simple as that.

23. When things get to much for me to handle my body goes into shut down. I curl up in a ball (most of the time literally), refuse to talk or answer my phone. My body just needs time to process things I guess.

24. As independent as I am I like having someone to look after. Maybe its the caring maternal instinct that I thought I was missing or an inbuilt prehistoric women desire to want to take care of a man. Who knows what it is but its one more thing to add to my list of "Wife Material because..."

25. I was highly religious in my mid/late teens but left the church due to their hypocrisy in relation to the people that I was allowed to hang out with. Leaving doesn't make me believe in a higher being any less though, it just makes me realise that I am content in the fact that I am a good person and I try to do right by people. The rest will just sort itself out 

26. I take pleasure in the simple things in life. The breeze blowing my hair, bubbles, a rainbow or an amazing sunset. The minute that we stop seeing the small miracles our soul starts to die 

27. I have 40 odd pairs of sneakers in bright and wacky colours, the brighter my shoes the more I feel like myself. If people were to take a tour of my head it would be nothing but colours and candy and that's exactly the way that I want it to be 

28. I live every day holding out for those moments that take my breath away. A smile or a touch and a slowing of my mind. Its in these moments that we find true love. I have had it before and I know that I will have it again. Life is just a want for love 

29. I am immensely proud of what I write and the style that I do it in, my life is an open book and I am pretty sure that the shit that happens to me happens to everyone, maybe they are just to shy to talk about it. I am not here to try and be anything but what I am . Life is much simpler when you take away the veils. 

29.5. My next move is... (that's only a half, I guess you have to wait until I clock over 30 to find whats next... maybe)

Love and Facts 

Miss K 

This about fear, love and togetherness

Whats my Scene?

I was sitting on a plane coming home the other day and "My Scene" by Seth Sentry started to play on my Ipod. Its on of those reflective songs that makes you think about what you are and where you are going. It goes along the lines of Seth making a journey and meeting people trying to find where he fits in and at the end of all of his search he still isn't sure if he has found his place. So it got me wondering, have I found my scene or am I still searching as well?

When I was young I wasn't well liked, the kids at school thought I was strange and smelly (I was) and even my own cousins didn't want to be around me and used to fight over who would be my partner (I was a shit so I get that). I went into primary school and would spend my time reading stories to the younger kids instead of hanging out in the play ground. In High School I preferred to float around between everyone instead of being in one spot. 

In my early 20s I was in a long term relationship and as sometimes happens I forgot who I was and became a person that I didn't know and who I didn't really like. At the end of the relationship I was left again wondering what my place was in the world and who I actually was. I drifted through jobs, I built myself a good friend base from work friends and took on the activities that they did, but if I am honest I still didn't really feel like me. I got to thinking that maybe my life was only ever going to be about fitting in with the people I was around and always feeling off to the side. 

It was at about this time that I got my first import car and it was as if my whole life was blown wide open. I had friends, people who actually wanted to have things to do with me. They dressed like me, they spoke like me and they liked the same things as I did. It felt like I'd finally found where I needed to be. I was respected and well liked and I felt at home. After a few years I sold my car and when this happened I felt that I had lost my identity and direction. If affected me so much that I brought it back and it felt like my soul had been returned. 

this is an actual Photo from back in the day

I was someone again but I knew that was only going to last until I moved, so the car was moved on again and I rocked up in Melbourne Bright eyed and fresh faced and the search for the scene has begun again. Its a strange feeling to be in a new town trying to get into the same "scene" that you have been in for so long and so far its been rather difficult even with insider help. I guess I just got so used to having everyone know me that I didn't remember what its like to not be that girl any more. The girls don't like me because they think I am trying to steal their boyfriends (which I am only half of the time) and the boys aren't sure of me because they don't know if I am genuine. I guess its all going to be a matter of time... I hope.

Through all of this and as I have gotten older I guess I have realised that scene has become less important to me. Its not so important where my place is or where my friends come from because I know who I am. They say home is where your heart is and I think that the same goes for scene. My heart beats firmly in my chest so maybe I am all the scene that I need? It all comes down to believing in your self, because at the end of the day we have to be happy with where we are and who we are while we are there. It feels good man. 

this is my feels good face

Love and Scenic Routes 

Miss K