Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Your shit is our Business?

So here is a topic that I am no doubt divide the nation and many work places, what is the etiquette on doing number twos at work? In my humble Gropezilla opinion the only correct answer is ITS NOT ON!!!!! but it appears that not everyone follows my sentiments on this idea.  I know that if you don't shit you die but really? Come on!! Is work the appropriate place. I have had this discussion with many people over the course of my work career and it is always met with mixed reactions, among the girls it is generally considered a cardinal sin to do it whilst boys are generally more than happy to drop the kids off at the pool whilst on work time. Apparently there is something satisfying to be getting paid to shit. Whilst saying that most girls prefer to keep it for the home scarily this is not always the case. 

It wont come as to much of a shock to anyone who has  been following my blog, that I have FTS or foreign toilet Syndrome. I am unable to make a bowel movement unless safely in the confines of my own bathroom (and no one is home) or in the bathroom of a close family relative or friend. I understand also that I may be at the extreme end of the scale and I should probably work on that but I guess I don't feel that it is appropriate that my work colleagues get forced to smell the contents of my innards, generally they have to smell the food as its going in, having them smell it on the way out as well could be considered a small bit of overkill don't you think?

This is the actual sign from the toilet at my work!!!!

So what is it about number twos in the workplace that i find so offensive, so here are the bare facts, I don't want to have to walk into a toilet into someone elses stench and see how their excrement has artistically decorated the bowl. The matter is made 10 times worse when the offender is actually in the bathroom because you cant make a hasty retreat from the cubicle to use another one because then that would be offensive, but then that in itself is silly, because hasn't that person just offended my senses by their acts?I always have the fear that on entering a toilet area with a lingering smell of faeces that someone will see me exiting and then blame me for the smell. Rightly or wrongly I would do the same thing. The issue of messy toileting became such an issue at my current work that they have giant signs in the toilet to clean up after yourself!!!!! Honestly we would think that everyone would be adult enough to clean your poo up once you are done, you would do that at home wouldn't you?

While we are in the realm of toileting at work, apart from the stench there are a few other issues that I feel need to be raised for everyone to have a more pleasant work place experience 

The Paper - If you use it all, replace it. I did touch on this briefly in my last post, if you use the last of it make sure you change the roll, pay it forward to the next person. This also goes for the hand towel, and while are on hand towel rip it on the ripper not up into the holder otherwise the next person has to fish around to get it and then the roll gets soggy. No one likes a soggy roll do they 

I actually have a friend that built a toilet seat out of toilet rolls while at a Race Track in Japan 
that only had squat toilets... I like his genius 

Air Freshener - This one is really a toss up, I don't like the smell of your shit, but I also don't like the smell of the air freshener. There is something about the mixture of violets and poop particles that just makes my stomach turn. 

Bin Behaviour - What ever it is that you have to put in the bin make sure it goes in it. And if you see that it doesn't make it, be sure to pick it up and place it in the receptacle. I am not your mother, I will not pick up after you

I guess it is now time to admit that I have such a fear of toileting in the work place. Welcome to my shame... once many years ago whilst at work, I was feeling pretty unwell and despite my best efforts I was unable to silence the bear that had taken residence inside my stomach. At the last possible moment when I couldn't hold it any further I dashed off to the facilities, What was to follow was something akin to a space ship taking off, the contents of my bowels issued forth at an alarming rate of knots and splashed down with a thunderous rumble. I felt momentary relief so after flushing, checking the bowl was clean and washing my hands I wandered back to my desk feeling still unwell but some what relieved, but sadly my relief was only going to be short lived. At this point in my career I was working in a building company and as you can imagine it was over run with Kiwi Builders. One of the Plumbers (and I am not even shitting you) came running out into the Admin office yelling excitedly about the girl with the explosive poo that he had just heard in the ladies toilet (an integral design flaw of the building became evident that day, why have paper thin toilet walls. WHY!!!!). Well you can imagine the flush that took over my face and I promptly left the office and went home so that there was no chance that it could happen again. As you can see, this has scarred me for life. 

Artist rendition....

And I guess while we are on the subject, I may as well ask you this question, what is with people trying to have conversations while using the facilities? I work in the same building as you, I've been forced to smell your movements and NOW you want to talk to me? Whats next, you'll come share the cubicle with me and help me wipe my bum? I understand its an awkward situation and you might be trying to break the tension but really all you are doing is making it more awkward. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually a really friendly person but really is the toilet the appropriate place to talk about the meaning of life? I will admit that I go to huge lengths to avoid these types of conversations, If I am in the toilet and the person in the cubicle next to me flushes, I will keep sitting until they have finished washing their hands and I have heard the door open. It works well unless the person exciting decides to check their hair or the like, because if you stay in the toilet for too long, people might think you are the culprit of the smell. 

I guess if you need to go you need to go, but please God I beg you, Dont go in the toilet that I want to go in and I promise I wont go at work 

Love and Poo Particles (but not in the workplace)

Miss K 

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