I was watching Sex and the City the other night and they were talking about how many true loves a person gets in their life time. I ponder this question because if the answer is only one then sadly my ship has sailed and I am set for a life of mediocre and half felt love. So what is love? I got asked this question the other day and without hesitation I answered "it is a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach, like a spark of warmth that grows and escapes and colours your life with rainbows" for me love makes every situation a happy one, its like no matter what is going on you can handle it because there is a purpose in life. Love is knowing that person better than they know themselves and knowing what they are thinking without them having to speak a word.
I've been blessed (or maybe is it cursed?) to have felt this love in my life once before and its changed my everything. In some ways it makes me sad that I've only felt it once because out of me three major relationships (as detailed here) only one of those boys has given me that true love kind of feeling. Was it something that I did the third time around that made it different or was it something much deeper than that. I honestly don't think that you can choose the people that you fall in love with. The minute that I laid eyes on mine I made the decision that I didn't want anything to do with him, I knew he was going to try and kiss me before the night was out and sure enough I was correct. I tried to keep my distance and pull my emotions back but the tide was too strong and I got swept away before I even realised that it was happening.
For the time we were together I couldn't bare to be apart, the thought of seeing him sent butterflies in my stomach, I lived to hear his voice and even a smell that reminded me of him sent my heart soaring. I was in it hook line and sinker and for everyone around us I am pretty sure we were that sickening loved up couple. Like all good things though it had to come to an end and when this abruptly ended my whole world came crashing down. Love really is like a double edged sword. Everything that defined love was now defining heartache. I didn't like that I still knew the way that he though, the way he felt and the way that he smelt. These thoughts haunted my everything and like never before I couldn't snap out of it
At the downfall of my relationship I was constantly questioning what I had done to make it happen or what I could have done to keep it going. I think I've finally come to realise that it actually had nothing to do with me in the end. Everyone in their lives is in a different place and things can only work out if two peoples places are aligned. For now I want nothing for him but his happiness, because in the end he did us both a favour by getting out of it early so we could have a chance at the happiness with someone else.
Its been two years since the great love and I have just recently come to the realisation that great love may never actually die. Unknowingly and some what unwillingly I have been using it as a measuring stick for everything that has come after it. Am I destined to walk down this path for ever? Mythology suggests that soul mates exist because humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zues feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them. If this was actually to be the case then well golly crap its all over for me.
But hey lets think about this reasonably and logically, there are 7 billion people in the world, surely in there, there is going to be another great love for me. What if there is a great love in every city and every town and I just need to visit them to find it? There are 196 countries in the world, so if there was only to be one in every country I would be happy with that number. Actually 196 is a pretty greedy number and 1 will do, and that will leave the other 195 free to find their one in 195 as well.
maybe my soulmate is a marsupial
One of my favourite books I have ever read was a book called Brida by the Author Paulo Coehlo and its about the search for soul mates. It says that you can tell your soul mate by the light they have in their eyes and that it is more than possible to find more than one. I guess I should be thankful that we live in the modern world because I am able to meet so many more people than our previous generations. I have spoken in length to a few people about the search for love and the search for something more and they all say the same, once you stop looking it will find you, but if you stop putting yourself out there how is this possible?
Sex and the City concluded that there could be more than two great loves in a persons life, so on this basis I still have one to go, this excites me with the possibilities and everywhere I go I look around and stare at the people that pass me wondering if they have the spark and the light in their eyes. I wonder what I would do if I actually did see it, would I have the courage to follow it? The last time I found it I felt the urge very strongly to get up and run away, the love unwound his arms from me and said I could go if I wanted to but he would like me to stay. What if I cant stop the urge to run away? Or is the fear all part of this grand scheme? How different my life would have been if I had have followed through with my fear.....
I walk around using these as my looking eyes... its totally going to work
I best be on my way now to get my search happening
Love and Sparkly Eyes
Disclaimer: Love and confusion sometimes go hand in hand and make us do selfish things. Through confusion comes anger and from anger comes resentment. I wrote this so I can give up my resentment. So Universe, here you go. Its yours now, because I have no use for it and that chapter is well and truely closed.