First Dates - they are probably all Serial Killers

There are many things in life that elicit fear in humans but possibly nothing so prolific as First Dates. First dates are like the lucky dips that you get at the show, they could be great but they also have the potential to be like that toy that you don't want and accidentally leave on a park bench somewhere. Here is today's truth bomb, first dates, they are kind of a necessity. Its not really plausible to find someone that you find attractive on the street and then take them home and tell them that they belong to you now. I'm in no way saying I am up to speed on these legal things but I have a feeling there is laws definitely about that. To help you navigate the mine field that is first dates, here are some things you might like to consider...

1. Make it somewhere mutual Start a relationship off on equal footing. If you live on the other side of the country, find somewhere that is easily accessible to you both. Somewhere that you can make a quick get away if you need to as well, you know, for your safety and all.

2. Go in armed with some topics of conversation, If you have had the chance to facebook stalk them find out things that they like and research them a little bit so you can fill those otherwise awkward lulls in conversation with your knowledge. "Ohh the war of the Power Ranges. Why of course I am well versed in it". By taking an interest in what interests them, you have just made yourself 7% hotter. At least. 

3. Don't put so much pressure on yourself its just a date not your wedding day. If its good, you have a nice romantic story and if its bad you have something to write blogs about. So really either way you look at it, its all positive (Disclaimer: see point below. This part probably isn't positive)

4. Tell your friends where you are and who you are with you know cause, like there are serial killers and stuff. I don't want to hear that you became that person locked in the well rubbing the lotion on its skin so it doesn't get the hose again. Don't say that I didn't warn you

5. Do something out of the ordinary Everyone can go to a bar and get a drink... but not everyone will take you to a gaming arcade to shoot hoops. It will also give you something to talk about and something to concentrate on and there will be none of that awkward silence trying not to make eye contact while sitting across from someone at a table. Most people have a competitive streak to them, if you give them an opportunity to show that, you also give them the opportunity to show you who they really are. 

6. Wear something that is you on the everyday. What I am meaning is don't pretend to be high fashion if you are Kmart. If the date goes well, hopefully you will see them again and having to buy a whole new wardrobe can be an expensive exercise. Make an effort by all means, do your hair, put on some make up, wear your good jeans but keep you, you.

7. Don't be afraid to share tid bits about yourself, first dates are similar to job interviews. You want to make yourself stand out and show a bit of your personality. If you share, you become relateable and it can lead on to them sharing stories about themselves. I can always be known as Kerry, the girl who got her nose ripped off by a Kookaburra (That actually happened by the way. Ask my mum)

8. If its not going well, don't drag it on. You are doing both of you a favour by finishing it. Sometimes things don't work and that connecting spark got blown out by the breeze. I went on a date with an accountant once, and while I am not saying that all accountants are like this, this accountant was your stereo typical accountant and I was bored out of my brain. I let him pick me up and with in 5 minutes of being in his presence I wanted to stab myself with the highlighter that he kept in his centre console, that's how bad it was. It just got worse from there, to the point that I have blocked it out and cant even remember his name. 

9. Shave your legs and clean your house Just In case. I am not advocating sex on the first date but I am also being realistic. By being prepared you are removing some of the stress of the situation. There is nothing more awkward than bringing a guy home and telling him to entertain himself while you do a mad dash to de-hair yourself. I would put that up there with the same kind of awkward as being at your friends house while their parents are yelling at them.

10. Take yourself - then you can leave when you want, you ensure your safety and you aren't relying on someone else. I know I sound like I am paranoid but also it means that they wont know where you live. Here's Johnny!!!!!!! ring any bells to anyone? Yeah, you don't want that.

The most recent first date I had actually broke all the rules of first date dating. I had been chatting to the lad for a couple of weeks and decided that it was time for him to get out of my dreams and into my car (or something to that effect, I do understand that reference will not be as relevant for those of you that are unfamiliar with the song by Billy Ocean) so I panic asked if I could cook him dinner. As many of you know, I don't really think things through and I actually didn't expect him to say yes, but then when he did I had to commit. Not only was he going to be judging my conversation and my appearance (as is standard for all first dates) he was also going to be judging me on my cooking skills and my home decor. This was one of those times that I put more pressure on myself than was needed. I was so nervous (also read drunk) that ended up wearing most of the expensive wine that he bought over to complement my culinary offerings.He ended up seeing me again so I guess I passed the test. Funny story, while I was at the shop buying ingredients I asked the Green Grocer if he had any mangoes, he enquired to why I wanted them and when I told him I had a date, he looked me dead in the eye and said "Is he Aussie? If he good Aussie boy, you make him steak and eggs. None of this junk". Way to stereo type old stereotypical Italian Green Grocer man, way to stereo type. 

As bad as it could be, just remember it will all be over soon. In fact these dates could be the start of something amazing, with great risk comes great reward, another number of Tony Robins quotes etc etc. While the idea of living in a house with 7 cats sounds amazing (and would be amazing) I kind have my heart set on some human companions as well so will go through as many first dates as I need to, to ensure that happens. 

Love and Jitters 

Miss K  

Disclaimer:  Sometimes when you ask people on first dates, they might say no and thats ok as well. You will survive. Late last year I agonized for days (weeks) about asking this guy out. I had it all planned out, I had a great activity picked, I wrote and rewrote the corrosponding text and then got drunk to get the courage to finally push the button. His response was pretty perfect, hilarious even and I would high five anyone for it. Anyone that hadnt done it to me that is. This was his response....Good Game Guy.

BRUTAL

Things I have learnt...

I have been wandering this earth for a while and in that time I think I have picked up some things. Here are some things that I have learnt that you might find helpful to know...

• They will only sell freenut butter (nut free peanut butter... cause that's a thing) in the Nut shop at your local supermarket so you will have to stand outside like a Teenager at the bottle shop asking someone to buy it for you, 

• No matter how much you wish they would, a leopard never changes it spots. Its OK to move on... 

• You will sleep better on fresh sheet night, because there is nothing better in the world than that tight tucked, fresh sheet feeling 

• You are the most important person in your existence, You need to look after you and be happy with you before you can ever possibly be happy around anyone else. That isn't selfishness, that is necessity 

• When you finally get up the courage to poop in a public toilet, the lady will come in to clean it while you are mid business. Sorry is pretty much the only thing you can say in these circumstances... sorry or maybe the awkward cough to announce your presence.  

• Your friends are your friends for a reason, listen to what they have to say, even if you don't like it and even if you don't choose to take their advice straight away. They have your back, otherwise why would they be around? 

• If you have a combined toilet / laundry / bathroom, always ALWAYS close the lid on the toilet. Not to protect you from the toilet germs and poo particles but because stuff will fall in there. Probably stuff that you want that you will have to go fishing out.

• The worst public toilets will always be visited after leg day. You will have two options 1. get all manner of aids and STDs from sitting on the toilet seat or 2. live the nightmare that is doing the hover with the incredible burning pain in your trembling thighs. 

• Some things in life just wont work, it doesn't matter how much time and effort you put into it, it just was never meant to be. And that's OK, take the lessons you have learnt and move forward.

• The tram will never run on time, use the toilet before you leave work. Doing the odd trot down the road while keeping your legs closed so you don't wet yourself is never a good look. 

• You should never apologise for your feelings, if its gotten to that stage, apologising wont make any difference, it will just make you feel shit about yourself . 

• Drinking around adults and ordering adult things (like entrees and wine) will make you feel like you are a pretend adult no matter how old you get. I shouldn't be ordering wine, olives and panacotta, I am just a child, it was only yesterday that you had to wipe my bum. 

• Its not always your fault (but hey you aren't totally an angel here either) so don't let anyone convince you otherwise. It doesn't matter how much of a cunt you are, it always takes two to tango. 

• Those eye-liner and make-up tutorials are lies. You cant do it at home and its not that easy. So basically the Internet is full of lies and deception. 

• Men will always pay you more attention when you haven't shaved your legs or washed your hair in a few days.... if ever there is a reason to let yourself lapse, there it is

Yeah, I think that is a pretty good start. All these lessons have been hard learnt and your life is really put into perspective when you are up to your elbow in toilet water. And yes I know that it appears that most of my life lessons are learnt in the act of bodily functions but as they say, it doesn't matter how you get there, as long as you get there in the end. Here is also another solid gem of advice, the internet told my that Kayne Loves Himself West said it (apparently) and while he is a douche canoe he may be on to something here "Someone will always be smarter, someone will always be prettier and someone will always be richer, but no one will ever be you." 

Just a thought anyway 

Love and Learning 

Miss K 

Why your beauty people are the best people you will ever meet... Ever.

When I was younger I had a shy vagina, not in the way that I kept it locked away in a castle for some fair prince to climb into and set it free but in the way that I was too worried to go to any one waxer more than once. See I strangely had it in my head that they would get to know me too well and then if I saw them in the street it would be awkward. My Vagina should be a thing of great reverence and be appreciated and treated as such. Maybe I never wanted to go back to the same person because I hadn't found my "one" yet, so just as in romance, so is in beauty therapy, once you find your one your life is instantly changed. Here are some reasons why meeting your "one" does great things for your life and why in fact they are the best person you will ever have in your life. 

You Develop Trust - I don't think it will come to a surprise to anyone, but I have trust issues. I don't let people close to me and even when they do get close, there is still some walls that they need to jump over. With your beauty technicians there needs to be full trust and full disclosure. You are trusting them with the most important parts of your bodies, your heads and your gardens. The boundaries tend to fall away when you are laying on the table, legs askew while waiting for your lawns to be tended.

Their whole aim in life is to make people beautiful - that's a very selfless thing to do and normally it comes at the detriment to themselves and their beauty. They are rushed off their feet all day, they are covered in wax and hair dye and all manners of other guck and they don't complain. All they want is for you to leave them and be confident and happy. When was the last time you did something so selfless for someone else? 

They are cheaper than a counsellor - they ask about your life and they seem to care about what is going on in it (It may just be all pretend and being used to pass time until they are done and you have your pants back on but I will take that anyway). One of the first appointments I had with my amazing beautician involved me bawling my eyes out and her giving me a hug. That meant a lot and it was exactly what I needed at the time. They are there for you in all your life's ups and downs and they celebrate and condole with you. 

They will do wonders for your confidence -  if you feel good, you look good. There is a certain radiance to you when you have done something for yourself and you walk with a bit more pep in your step. After a hair cut and colour I fully believe that you can take over the world and really we all know that there is nothing better than that fresh hair smell. And when it comes to your lady parts, it pays to be prepared... and you feel amazing for it. 

It can be for the long term - I went to the same hair dresser for 29 years and have been seeing the same waxer for three years, that pretty much constitutes them as long term relationships. I haven't really had much else to note in the relationship department in the way of commitments but sticking with these guys has shown me that I actually do have it in me .

They can do things that I cant - The idea of slathering my genitals in hot wax and then ripping it off again fills me with the fear of a snowman on a hot day, but getting someone else to do it makes it not so bad. Like wise I can never get my hair to curl or sit as nicely as the hair dresser does when I go to visit her. This is why we pay them, they have these skills that I am lacking and can do things that I am not able to do. Like I said, good people.

They take away the stress - finding a new beauty professional is by far the most stressful thing you can do in you life, apparently moving house is right up there but I think that this one tops it. You are trusting your health, well being and boneability to someone that you have never met before, that's a pretty big deal. I think the reason that I saw the same hair dresser for as long as I did was because when I was small she promised me that she wouldn't cut off my ears... I haven't received that guarantee from anyone else so every time I go to get my hair done I run the risk.... I am just not comfortable living my life on the edge.

With them, your modesty is in check - I used to shop around from waxer to waxer so slowly but surely the whole population of the earth was seemingly seeing my bits. By finding my one, I removed my garden from the table and now I am a better person for it. There isn't those first time jitters or the getting to know you conversations that is all fluff and fairy floss. With your one its straight into the nitty gritty and 20 minutes in never actually long enough. 

They Have a Calming Nature - I think this one ties into the trust thing, at the hands of a good beauty professional you will feel calm and looked after. Its like that cup of tea and classical music, but for your appearance. 

In the last few months I have been a bit unlucky, my amazing hair dresser went off to pop out a kid and my even more amazing waxer has moved to Queensland. I know that the world is not all about me but, I will admit that I am pretty annoyed at them. What am I meant to do without them?????!!!! I have to start the whole process of opening up again and get someone to guarantee to look after me and not cut of my ears... that shit is tiring.  So kids I implore you, if you have a "One" make sure you give them the thanks that they deserve. They have a job that can be pretty unpleasant and they do it just for you. Despina and Louise, I salute you, I honestly haven't been as beautiful since you have been gone. 

Love and Beauty 

Miss K 

Dating in your 30's

I still get a shock when I realise that I am in my 30's, it seems like only yesterday I was taking my P Plates down and going through the Drive Thru at The Vale to buy Under age Booze (I am sorry Parents, I promise I wont do it again). Where has the time gone? Anyway, with the marching on of years and the changing of tastes the way that we view dating (or the way that I view dating, I probably shouldn't make such sweeping comments) has changed dramatically. Gone are the days of being footloose and fancy free and instead I am left trying to make solid choices for my future - choices that would hopefully make my nan proud. No longer am I led by "Gosh he is dreamy" and instead I think about the prospects that the future could hold. This is dating in your 30's and the questions that cross your mind

Do his world views align with my own - I like to think that I am a very opened minded person and I am pretty good at seeing the world from every bodies point of view but there are some things that I just cant understand and refuse to tolerate. If he is extremely racist or homophobic we just wont see eye to eye so nothing else that is amazing about him is going to matter. 

Does He Want Kids - I am not 100% sure if I do and it swings daily but its a big consideration now. My Ovaries are screaming and are slowly turning to dust. I need to go into something knowing where the person stands on the issue just in case its something that I do decide that I want to do. A driving factor in this decision is kids shoes.... have you seen how cute the little baby Jordans are.... Gosh.

Does he have Direction - I don't know if it was just me but in my early 20s I didn't really have much direction in life, sure I had good jobs and I worked hard but I wasn't really driven for anything more than that. This has changed as I have gotten older and I want to achieve more and keep achieving because I am worth it. The man I date needs to be the same. He needs to wants to better himself and keep his stone rolling.

Does he take control of the situation - in this digital age, dating can be really difficult. Making contact with someone has never been easier but there are different degrees of how beneficial that contact is. Is he someone that fluffs around or is he someone that is happy to make plans and organise things for you to do together? In your 30s you are generally busier and you have more commitments so you need someone that can commit and control so that you both know where you stand.  

Does he have 1 million house mates or live with his parents - Living arrangements have the ability to tell you a lot about the man you are considering. If he is 30 and "living at home" for the moment then I am going to be forced to question his independence. Sure living at home is great for financial reasons and I am poor all the time because I live by myself BUT sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. I want someone that is my equal, knows how to run a house and look after himself because then he can look after me as well (and I can look after him).

Does he care about his appearance - I know this may sound like a vanity thing and it may well be but its something that I put importance on. I dress well, I take pride, I want to look nice. Going out with someone that wears tracksuits every day and hasn't been shopping for new underwear in 4 years isn't going to give me confidence in his ability to be an adult.

Do his surroundings reflect his personality - I am a big believer that you can tell a lot about a person by looking at the way that they live. Is their house tidy, do they change their sheets? I have told this story before but the Hippy House Mate wasn't one to look after his surroundings and slept on ripped sheets, while I loved him I could never be with someone like him because to me it just showed a lack of respect for himself. What you present to the world speaks volumes.

Does he have his baggage in check - I would be more worried if someone had made it into their 30s and didn't have any baggage, so it really comes down to how they handle it. Is he letting it ruin him or is he acknowledging it and working with it to move forward? The older I get the more I realise that you can not tar everyone with the same brush because if you do, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of loneliness and sadness. Everyone comes with a past and I am willing to help you carry some of your baggage if you are worth it.    

Does he Challenge me - Life shouldn't be an easy ride, I am a handful and I will walk over people if they aren't willing to stand up to me. I want someone to constantly question me and make me think about things differently from what I have previously. I want someone that makes me want to be better for him. Yeah it may be exhausting sometimes but its how you grow as a person. I would hope that I can challenge him as well and that he is someone that wants to be challenged.

Does he fit with the future - The older I have gotten the more that I have started to think "what's the point" if this person isn't going to be someone that you can see a future with, why bother? its brutal and sometimes cruel but if this person doesn't fit, you have to stop trying to Jam a round peg into a square hole.

Does he Build Me Up -  I expect the best because I am worth the best, simple. Does he see the best in me and does he support that. If he isn't going to give me the best and make me a priority then I will find someone that does.

I think dating in your 30s goes back to the basic human urges, you want to pick the strongest in the herd. You want an Alpha, someone that you know can take care of you, give you strong stock and be the hunter. God, sometimes our human wiring makes life difficult for us doesn't it? If only it was still as simple as "Gosh he is so dreamy". Reading back over this list it could seem like these may be a hard combination to find and probably you are right (I am long time single as we know) but it all comes down to the fact that you cant settle because if you do, you could in fact be missing out on everything that you have ever desired... just a thought anyway.

Love and Life Choices

Miss K

P.S While writing this I realised that I am pretty much looking for a man that is modelled on my dad, there is a line in Dirty Dancing where Baby goes "and I thought I would never find a guy as great as my dad" and most days I kind of feel like that as well, but I believe that if there is one of him, there has to be more.

A Crisis of Self

As so many of my stories seem to begin, this one is much the same, and it starts like this...

So, there was this guy. This guy was different to any other guy that I had met. Sometimes in life you meet people who blind side you, you are going about your daily business and then BANG you run head long into a force of nature and your whole axis shift. Thankfully in my life it hasn’t happened to many times but recently it did and I have been rattled and floored by it. This person saw through the mask I have chosen to wear and has challenged me to question everything about myself and the place that I have created in the world. He made me angry (and the feeling was very mutual) but beyond that he made me care for the first time in a long time. 

In a week, a whirl wind ripped through my life. I wanted full disclosure, I wanted to be seen for everything that I was and not everything that I pretended to be. I wanted to say “This is me, these are my flaws. Please, see the good in me”. Never before has a person and their opinion mattered so much and I cant figure out why. In reality on the grand scheme of things this person, is a nothing. Someone I probably wont remember in 5 years time so if that is the case, why did he have such an effect on me? I have been asking myself this question every minute of every day since he smashed down my walls. 

So, the strong reaction? Is it because I simply don’t like the fact that people don’t like me, or is it because I am not happy with the person who I created and now I don’t know how to get out of? He pointed something out to me that I had been trying to ignore for a long time. He pointed out that I was a fake and a floosy and not someone with substance. I have created a contradiction really. To the outside world I am a hyper sexualised, loud and in your face person but in the real me I feel about as far from that is probably humanly possible. 

Three years ago, I moved states, I gave myself an opportunity in life to create a new person. I could have been any body that I wanted to be, I could have dressed differently, I could have put on an accent, I could have done anything that I put my mind to but Instead I chose to fall back on the tried and true facade that I have been using for years and for the first time in my life  (or the first time that anyone was willing to tell me) some body pointed out that wasn't a good thing. By creating this person I have allowed myself to control my interactions with the people around me, being this person pushes people away. I always though that if people are adversely affected by me they are not people that I want in my life anyway so It kinda weeded out the the muck but in reality that's probably not the case. All I am doing is cutting myself off from the world and making people view me in a way that I am not. I guess I always thought that if I am a strong person on the outside no one will see that underneath I am scared and small and don't really have it all together. 

In reality this personality is a security blanket. I have long been of the opinion that humans are actually bubbles and our outside actions are what can either bring people to our bubbles or keep them out of them. At 32 maybe its time to have a look at the bubble that I have created and start dropping the bullshit. I don't want the world to view me as a fiend (for want of a better word), I want people to see the happy, giving, caring person that is under neither all that sexy exterior, I want the world to see the person that those close to me see, Taking the cheap laugh of overt sexuality has always been my fall back and maybe its time to stop that. I don't always need to be the centre of attention, because the attention that I am bringing on myself isn't exactly positive. Sure my stories are funny, but isn't respect more important that humour? 

I read a quote the other day by Mae West and she said "I wrote the story myself. Its about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it". I want to be like Mae West. I think this is always going to be a part of my personality because it is a part of me but I am going to try to make the scales a little more even. People shouldn't have to chip through the shit to get the gold. I don't know how I am going to go because it takes a while to break ingrained habits but I am using this as accountability. I want to be better... and that starts now 

Love and Lessons 

Miss K 

I am worth your attention and from now on it will be for the right reasons

 P.S Thanks to that unnamed guy, I don't know how it took someone 10 years to break the shit storm that I created for myself but you constantly making me question everything about me made me realise that I am worth more than the person I created. 

This cat, this cat is mine now

Anyone that follows me on Facebook would know that I am in a "Relationship" with the Cat that lives down stairs called Cashew. I, like most people love pets, if I go to your house and you have a pet I am probably going to pay more attention to it than I am to you, so no hard feelings. Anyway, one day while wandering into my house I spied a Tortoise shell cat in the window of my Down Stairs neighbours house, Like any normal person when they see a cat I muttered excitedly "Kitttty" and stood looking at it for a while (In the non creepy way). Overtime our friendship grew and when she was outside we would hang out on the steps and have pats and sometimes she would wander in to my house and we would just chill. Life was good in Cumming Court.

Fast forward a few months to the night of my birthday, as I was walking up the drive I stopped to talk to Cashews "Owner" and mentioned that sometimes she would come in to my house, with a horrified look on his face he remarked "Don't feed her, sometimes she gets sick!!". I assured him that I only had human food and I knew kittehs shouldn't have human food so we were good. Fast forward again a few weeks and the following conversation took place

Owner: Cashew is missing, have you seen her?

Kerry: Oh no, that's terrible. No I haven't seen her.

Owner: Are you sure?

Kerry: I have been at work since 6am, sorry.

As you can see, he clearly thinks that I stole his cat, I didn't, she comes willingly which makes me think that she would prefer to belong to me. In light of this, I have come up with a list of reasons why next doors cat should actually be my cat.

She comes to me - I guess this should be the first one as it is the most simple. She seeks me out to be her friend. I know a lot of people would like to believe that I pick her up and sneak her away but even I am not that crazy (yet)

Her Owners Play Terrible Music - last time she came to seek refuge they were playing Mandy Moore, I am not even lying. I didn't realise that we were living in the year 2000, though if we were it would explain the questionable fashion and hair styles that come out of that apartment.  

They smoke Pot - I don't at all proclaim to be a goodie two shoes and I have engaged in more drug activity that the majority of my friends BUT it was only ever recreational and I have never understood people that HAVE to smoke cones everyday just to survive. The people down stairs are like this. They sit on their front balcony every night and its so bad that I cant have my balcony door or my front windows open. What kind of air is that poor kitty breathing in? 

The Hall is their Rubbish Dump - I would say that 4 out of 7 mornings when I walk down the stairs I have to dodge a rubbish bag that has been hastily thrown into the corridor for later removal and sometimes that later removal takes two or three days. If that is the rubbish that is spilling out in to the hall way just imagine the rubbish that is inside the house. What happens if the kitty gets lost or trapped under a falling tower of papers? 

There might not be enough love to go around - Her owner just got number plates that say [I<3MYPAM], Why didn't he get some that say [I<3CASHEW], I would totally do that and also probably adorn my car with crazy cat lady stickers and get a jumper with her face printed on it. I am that Committed to the cause. She would be number one on my priority list because lets be honest, if I am even writing a blog about stealing someone elses cat, I clearly don't have much else going on.

My Cat Didn't Die - I had my beautiful Cat Phantom for 8 years and she didn't die, clearly that shows that I am capable of looking after a cat. She was happy and healthy and well looked after and then was re-homed due to a move which to this day is still one of the hardest things I have ever done. I would like to make amends for that. 

They wont think I stole her - remember that time when they thought that I stole their cat? Well, if they just give her to me then they wont ever have to suspect me ever again. I can play with the cat in clean conscious and they can go about their happy lives without suspecting their neighbours of wrong doing. 

Money is Tight - The economy these days is tough, I don't want Angus and Pam to be under undue strain by having to feed another mouth. I will happily take on this burden. I will feed her and love her and give her pats and clean up her poos. 

I really like cats - LIKE I REALLY LIKE CATS!!!!! Do you remember that video that was going around a while ago with that lady who is making her dating profile and she cries about wanting to pat all the cats? Well they originally asked me to star in that video but I had something else on that day. 

I'm Lonely - Plain and simple, they have each other, I have myself, oh and I guess I have all the items in my house that I talk to so I don't go crazy. "Hey you Frypan, hows the weather? Got the meat sweats?". One time it might be nice to talk to something that can actually talk back. 

It would save on heating - If I were to have a Cashew all of my own I could cuddle her for Warmth. she would be my purring hot water bottle. Much cheaper and fluffier than that old Electric heater that I have sitting in my lounge room. 

As you can see, I have a clear concise argument as to why I would be an amazing kitty mother and why Pam and Angus should just give her to me. I might print this off and leave in their letter box with a yours sincerely and see what happens when the dust settles. I will keep you updated

Love and Whiskers

Miss K

The 10 Commandments of Cunnilingus

I wrote a post the other day about the art of giving a good blow job and after its astounding success I was approached to write one about the ancient art of Cunnilingus. It is with shame that I admit that up until about a month ago I wasn't even able to say that word correctly. Some how over the years I had managed to stick too many syllables in there, so it stands to reason that I am probably not an expect on this subject. The sad truth is that its only really been in the last 4 or 5 years that I have even let guys do it to me, because some how in my head I had convinced myself that my Vagina was the creature from the black hole. Over time I worked out that this isn't actually the case and once I let go of the self consciousness and fear I opened myself up (only slight pun intended) to a whole new world of pleasure. After a brain storming session with my ladies in waiting we have come up with some pointers...

Thou Shalt Not think outside the Box *

Thou Shalt be Gentle - its sensitive, please don't pull on it or chew on it like a pigs ear 

Thou Shalt take time and slow down, it is not a race 

Thou shalt work the whole area, being a love leech and attaching yourself to the clitoris may have results but variety is the spice of life.  

Thou Shalt remember that some girls have hooded Clitori, be sure to peel back the layers to expose the jewel

Thou Shalt Pay attentions to all noises emanating  from her, use this to guide your way young grasshopper

If your hands are not in her, make sure they are on her. Be her rock outside of the bedroom and her anchor inside it.

Thou shalt mount a two pronged attack and use all available resources. God has gifted you with fingers and tongues for a reason 

Thou shalt remember your ABC's. Write lines upon her sex until the bell rings. 

Thou shalt do on to others as thou wants done to them. Enthusiasm, effort, attention. Exalt her.

I know that's 10 but if I could put out a number 11 that will guarantee a pleasant experience for me "Thou shalt have a beard" would be it, pure and simple, nothing better than using his beard to rebeard your clam. Merkin anyone? 

Every girl is different and what works for one may not work for another but I implore you, do not give up, it is worth the effort for both of you. And girls don't be afraid of communicating, in this day and age of sexual maturity why should we be ashamed to ask for what we want. Let him know if something that he is doing doesn't float your boat, he may be running on flawed information. You will also be doing your bit for future generations of "fish", think of it like the Rex Hunt catch, kiss and release technique. Fishing for a sustainable future. 

Love and Lickings 

Miss K 

P.S I would like to thank all of my friends and all the randoms that had to endure my practising of pronunciation. It was trying times for all I am sure. I am not clear on where the other syllable came from and clearly "Cunningnigulus" isn't a thing, it kind of sounds like the noise that a two stroke motorbike would make. Or maybe its like a cunning fox sneaking up to take the chicken unawares. Neither of these things sound enticing... no wonder I put it off for as long as I did.    

* without a word of a lie, I was once told "I am thinking outside the box" when I asked what the fuck the gentleman was doing in my nethers. Thinking outside of the box is never the answer in this situation. Box is life. Box is love. Get acquainted.