17 for 17

Going from 2015 in to 2016 I decided that I wasn't really going to do any resolutions because to be fair, who ever really sticks them and instead wrote a blog about my lack of a new years kiss and signed it off with a goal of not being a Jerk. Little did I know that there was going to be a turn of events on New Years Eve that made that blog kind of null and void and by kind of, I mean TOTALLY. And that was rad. So it got me thinking, if I could prophetically magic myself a new years kiss, why cant I magically profess myself a cracking 2017. Stranger things have happened. To give myself a fighting chance at success, it is probably important to go in to 2017 with a bit of a guide to better living. So here it is, my 17, kind of resolution with a hint of life lessons 

1. Be Kinder to myself - like fuck mate, I'm alright, I just gotta start believing it. We put some much emphasis on what other people think about us when really at the end of the day no one else really matters. If you need a reminder of how much you have actually grown and improved and become more beautiful go back and look at your Myspace. I am glad to say, the years have been kind to me. Though I still stand by the fact though, that my perm was great. Everyone loves a little bit of curly noodle hair 

2. Read More Books - I have always been a big reader but for the last 8 months I have been buried in piles of study books and haven't really had much time for normal literature. The end is in sight (hopefully, but I don't want to Jinx it) and when I am all done with my studies I am going to get back in to the books hard, so if you have any recommendations flick them my way 

3. Stop Chasing People - I joked the other day with The Smile about this and said that I was going to make it one of my New Years Resolutions to stop Harassing him so much and its probably actually something that I should use as a blanket approach to life in the new year. I am forever chasing people for attention, and after a while it gets to your self confidence, I am worth it and if they don't want to take the time to tell me that, then really, why should I bother.

4. Be more creative - with all my studies my creative endeavours have suffered. I haven't been writing or making Vlogs or colouring in or practicing my knitting that my nan spent so many pain staking hours teaching me. I need to get back to that. So if you can think of any topics you would like me to tackle, please let me know 

5.  Not get so fussed with the little things - If 2016 taught me anything it was that there is a whole heap of shit in the world and a mass of negativity, the more of this you take on, the worse your life is going to be. So I am going to make a conscious effort to not let it affect me 

6. Go on adventures - this year saw a lot of impulse decisions that turned out to be the best experiences of my year. I guess its kind of like, have car will travel. And travel we will

7. Meditate More - kinda hippy and new age but it actually makes a giant difference to my mental state. Breath in through your nose, out through your mouth, rinse and repeat. I got this.

8. Start Cooking - since living in my share house I have stopped cooking, now that I am going to be alone again soon I am going to get back in to it. I am actually not the worst cook in the world and have managed to get to 33 without giving myself food poisoning (other people have accidentally not been so lucky, sorry about those Chilli Mussels Ikea Flat Pack, I do still feel bad about it)

9. Stop Looking for Approval - I said to my dad a few months ago "are you proud of me?" and as much as I love him and want him to be proud of me, none of it really matters because I am proud of myself. I have achieved a lot this year through sheer hard work and determination and what any one else thinks of that really should be of no consequence.

10. Write down a positive EVERY DAY - when I lived with the Hippy House mate we had a happy wall, every day we would write down something good that happened to us or something that made us smile, and every time I walked past the wall I would stop and read all of the positive. Its time to focus on the little thing and the bigger picture will fall in to place

11. Buy a new Mattress - I am only making this a guide to better living because I have been saying it for like two years and haven't done it yet. Someone keep reminding me until I do it please... my back will thank you

12. Compliment People - a few words can make someones day... and that's a pretty strong power to have. You could create a smile that has a knock on positive effect in the world... that's pretty exciting right?

13. See more live Music - I used to go to gigs nearly every weekend and this year I think I saw one, I miss it and I miss the random people that you meet while you are out. I am going to change that

14. Grow some Herbs - mmmm Coriander. MMMMMMMM. And now I have a nice little Balcony to try my hand at Horticulture... pray for me, I am not good at plants 

15.  Tell people that I love them - people are so scared of these words, but you never really know when its going to be the last time you will see someone so I am sure as hell going to tell them I love them. Because I do, and everyone deserves to know that they are loved.

16.  Embrace confrontation - when I was younger I wouldn't back down from a fight, if you had wronged me, I would let you know that I didn't appreciate it, the older that I have gotten the less that is happening and its a pretty scary development. I need to start taking the power back and standing up for myself. Watch out if you cross me, in a nice way of course.

17. Smile More - pretty much yeah, that's about all I think you need in life. A smile can fix most things and you never really know when someone else needs one. And you know what the best part is, a smile is free

So lets see how this goes. And I have realised that it doesn't matter if I succeed, its about the effort I put in to making it work. Thanks to everyone who made my 2016 what it was and a thanks in advance to everyone that will make my 2017. I am blessed in the people I have in my life and you are part of my happiest memories. Lets go make some more!!!!

Love and 24K Magic Wishes

Miss K 

N.B I wanted to do a bit of a reflection on 2016 but I think like most people my 2016 was a bit of a bastard. It was the year for me of confusion and Wasting her time. I haven't seen my family in a year. Its been so long since I got laid that I am actually terrified of it now and all sorts of rubbish just kinda stacked up on me. But through it all I had amazing adventures, made a lot of new friends and came out the other end, a little bit bruised and battered but generally in one piece. I started an amazing new career which I am kicking arse at, met a guy who stole my breath the first time I saw him and gave me faith that things might be ok and that there are still gentlemen in the world (even if I am not with him). This year has had the Mantra of "Every day may not be a good one, but there is something good in every day". And I think I managed to get through most of it without being a jerk... so hey, I guess I was always winning if that was my bench mark. 

Grope-Nilla - a Year in the Life of a Lonely Vagina

So it appears at the start of the year I embarked on a spiritual journey, or at least that's what I am going to call it in and effort to make my situation appear less dire. My name is Kerry and it has been 11 months and 4 days since I had a sex. I am now in the longest drought of my sexual history and let me tell you, that's a strange feeling or phenomenon for someone that could have rightfully been called a slut in her younger days. 

But in the essence of truthful story telling, the year didn't start like that. I kicked off the year with some sex. I was thinking, wow this is brilliant, busting a nut in to the new year and starting off right, amazingly great sex with a guy that is so sexy that when he took his shirt off, I exclaimed "oh, get fucked" out loud. This was going to be an indication of the year to come. YES!!!!!! I was going to find my Mojo again and start slaying.... Ha. Ha. Lets all laugh at this one together, how wrong could I have been.

To be fair though, for the first couple of months I wasn't really interested, coming out of a pretty fucked up relationship meant that I was closed for business. I think I may have even stopped masturbating (Sorry for the drop in Battery sales Bunnings, don't worry though, I poured all that money in to the Sausage Sizzle out the front, so you still had my loyal patronage) and then this dude came along and I was like, yeah this could be a goer, we went on a couple of dates, my Vagina woke up and then he disappeared (and really I still have no bloody idea why, I am sure I will get to the bottom of it one day), but in his wake was a woken dragon with a thirst that needed quenching. So here it is, this is a year without sex...

A year without sex is: meeting a guy and flirting with him and then making an emergency trip to the waxer, you know, just in case 

A year without sex is: Keeping on getting waxed because you are still talking and flirting and maybe its going to happen soon 

A year without sex is: "it" not happening ( well clearly, because otherwise this Blog wouldn't need to be written)

A year without sex is: going on Tinder, not because you want random sex but because you might find a relationship that would enable you to do the sex 

A year without sex is: buying new lingerie to show "That Guy" just because he might be interested 

A year without sex is: buying MORE lingerie because it turns out that he doesn't like red. 

A year without sex is: wondering if I actually find someone attractive or is it just their beard that I am attracted to

A year without sex is: saying no to three separate guys whilst holding out for a guy that you think is special because you don't want to risk jeopardising it (hey guys, that guy appears to be a full stop no go, so like get back in contact with me, or something...) 

A year without sex is: having no one believe that YOU, of all people, cant get laid 

A year without sex is: wondering what the heck is wrong with me and if I may actually be a hideous swamp donkey 

A year without sex is: thinking that maybe I should lower my standards, because sex can just be sex right? And we are now at the stage that beggars probably shouldn't be choosers 

A year without sex is: every man and his dog trying to set you up (shout out to Heathy... I know how hard you have been trying. It will happen one day and when it does, you will be the first one to know)

A year without sex is: your doctor making a joke when you go to refill your pill prescription, because you live in hope and he is sure that it will happen for you one day.

So that's what the Drought is all about, I get that there are water restrictions but this shit is just out of control. Maybe I might take a new tact next year, plant some drought resistant plants and see if I have more success. 

Love and Not Getting any Loving 

Miss K 

N.B Shout out to that guy, he wins hands down for best sex I have had all year. And yes, technically its the only sex that I have had all year but I feel like he deserves a special mention  

N.B V2 Giant thanks for everyone who suggested names for this blog. Seriously I spent the whole of last night laughing. There were some very creative suggestions. My personal favourites are listed below 

Debbie Does No One 
50 Shades of Fuck All 
The Sad Beaver 
Forever Unboned 
Dried up and Crusty - A users Guide 
A Goodyear (from my Aunty Heather.. she always provides the Lols)
FIngerbang - No dick for Days 
        

Some thoughts on Modern Day Dating

I think that I have mentioned it before, we live in this modern day world full of choice and technology and I am starting realise (or maybe I have known for a long time) that this doesn't really do any favours to those of us that are trying to date. To me, this is modern dating... 

Modern Dating is... never knowing what the fuck is actually going on and being to scared to ask because you don't want to come across as crazy 

Modern Dating is... sitting on "Read" and going silently crazy wondering what you did to upset him

Modern Dating is... joining Tinder even though you think its probably not going to work but feeling desperate enough to give it a go anyway because your time is running out. 

Modern Dating is... Deleting Tinder a week after you installed it because its not organic and everyone you have met isn't actually 6 ft even when they said they would 

Modern Dating is... Reinstalling Tinder a few months later because hey, this time could be different and you're not getting any younger 

Modern Dating is... saying no to all other guys because you have feelings for someone and while nothing has happened, you just don't want to risk it in case it does. And this is why, you are currently in the longest drought of your sexual career 

Modern Dating is... buying new lingerie, getting a wax and a fake tan and laying yourself on a silver platter only to be turned down. But hey, you look banging so really he is the only one that misses out and sharing a bed is annoying anyway.

Modern Dating is... getting waxed every month because it might be lucky this time around and even though it never is, at least someone is touching your vagina, even if it is only to slather you in hot wax

Modern Dating is... having multiple platforms to contact people on and still not getting anything (because he hates you!!) and wanting to contact them but not wanting to seem crazy

Modern Dating is...trying not to be crazy but then being crazy about not being crazy. And actually legit not being crazy until that dude comes on the scene 

Modern Dating is...bomb fire Nudes that you send only to them and forget to save. Its kinda like that scene in Big Daddy "we wasted the good surprise on you". Though thankfully you did save that one amazing underboob shot and now its on Tumblr because hey, sometimes things are just too good to not share

Modern Dating is... making an effort with your head, just in case there is a chance that you might see them. Even if the Chance is like 0.01%. You can't hide your terrible personality but you can kind of try to hide your terrible face. 

Modern Dating is...'not looking for anything', and I kind of get that. If you've managed to get to this age without any battle wounds, I don't know that you have really experienced life. But I also think that you cant put your life on hold for ever just out of fear, not every person is them and you deserve to be happy... you just need to try. 

Modern Dating is...  finding out from social media that its over and you're done. No final show downs, just some ghosting and photos with the new partner. 

Modern Dating is... constantly wondering why you aren't good enough and why it is so easy for everyone else that you know to find partners or get affection. You know you're hideous, but fuck, you're not that bad and you're sure you've got some good qualities in there.

Modern Dating is... having to tell your friends that its another false alarm and they can take the eggs out of the basket now.  Or actually not really telling anyone at all, because really there was never anything to tell. 

This last couple of months, I have felt pretty much all of these things. Same old story, met a guy, he took my breath away the instant that I saw him without him even realising (I strongly believe that he is one of the special ones) A couple of months of talking and terrible flirting on my behalf and it all came to a head a few weeks ago. I laid my cards on the table and it didn't turn out how I was wanting, but that's cool as well, he isn't looking for anything and I respect him so much for being honest about it. I got sent this the other day and it hit my feels "Even if you go for it and it doesn't work out you still win. You still had the guts enough to head straight in to something that frightened you. That type of bravery will take you places" and you know what, that is 100% correct. I've survived every other set back in life and with each one of these, its taking me closer to the magic that I deserve. How bloody exciting is that. 

So hold in there my cherubs, its not easy, but I KNOW that one day its all going to be worth it. 

Love and Magic Dreaming 

Miss K

So its probably time to talk about Physcial Contact

Things I Do Well

- Making shy people feel uncomfortable

- Reaching things on high shelves

- Squirting water out of my mouth in a precision like manner at a target

- Eating

- Over thinking simple situations

Things I do Badly

- Drying my back properly when I get out of the shower

- Co-Ordination, all kinds, every day

- Having a poker face

- Putting my underwear on the right way, 7 days a week

- Physical Contact and Touching

So there it is, a little snap shot of the good and the bad that occurs in my daily life. But the one I really want to focus on, is the last one, because I am starting realise that it might actually be a bit of a big deal. For me, I have always been pretty bad at people being in my space, I guess I am a kind of a lone shark, but in recent years I have gotten discernibly worse. Long story short, I was the victim of a sexual assault a few years ago and now, I guess I am a bit crazy (well more than I used to be anyway I guess, or maybe a different type of crazy. Anyway crazy). I have gone through extensive counselling and I am most of the time ok, I can function and I am getting on with my life but it has had some knock on effects, like being weird about touching.

I have a friend (actually I have quiet a few) and she loves affection and will demand hugs and back tickles from anyone that is around and I envy her freeness with it all. For me its more, oh god, I don't know this person!!! Why are they touching me!!! Or I worry if they hug me, I wont be able to get away. And I guess as you can imagine, it makes dealings with the opposite sex pretty difficult.  If I am honest mostly I just let these interactions happen because I know that its me with the problem and to most people, these encounters are normal. My head screams at me to man the panic stations but I am getting better at trying to silence it and with each bit of contact I am starting to regain some footing.

And to add to all of this, I am a walking contradiction and I know it. I want to be able to touch people and be close to them, and when I have decided in my head that I trust you and I am ok, I am probably going to do little things like put my hand on your arm, or want to hug you when things aren't going so well and to you its not big deal but to me, its huge. I have dropped a big wall to do that, and I kinda hope that you see that.  To be honest, I haven't actually figured out the best way to let people know how much it means and I just kinda hope that they can work it out for themselves.

Facebook memories popped up this post the other day and while I was reading back I was struck by how much has changed and how far I have come in three years and I am pretty proud of that. Three years ago, I couldn't have anyone touch me and even used to panic when men would look in my direction, and now I am at the point where I want certain people to touch me and that's an exciting advancement.  Its all steps in the right direction.

 Some mornings, I wake up and think, today is going to be a day when I am going to destroy the world, all of the molecules and happiness seem to align inside me and I feel unstoppable. I am starting to think that this may be the secret to it all, the answer to all the weirdness and aversion. Its something I am probably going to investigate anyway. So there it is, the problem, the exceptions and hopefully the solution, I guess now we just wait to see what I can build out of this 

Love and Touching

Miss K 

Life, Death and Living Away

These last few weeks have been tough, these last few week have reminded me how far away from "Home" I actually am. My uncle passed away a few week ago after a long and hard battle with Cancer and I wasn't there. This is the first big event that has happened since I moved away from Home and it was a lot harder to deal with that I imagined (even though in all fairness, I knew that it was coming). I felt like a fraud for being upset when I was so far away. But as with all big events and life changes, it got me thinking about the life that I have chosen to live, a million miles away from home  

Living away from your family causes a fair bit of conflict with in yourself. You feel an obligation and a desire to be with them because they are you life, but then you have also created a life for yourself here as well. You always wish that the lives could mix together seamlessly but you are also realistic that, that isn't possible.You miss things, you miss birthdays and parties and births and deaths. People have kids and the kids have no idea that you exist and that's hard.

But with all this, you are also given a glimpse of True Friendship. You will have friends that you can go months or years without seeing and then when you happen to see them again, you can pick right back up where you left off like you have never been gone.And the flip side of that is that you will grow apart from people as well and that ok too. I am a very firm believer that every person that comes in to our life is there to teach us something (or for us to teach them) and when they have done that, its time for them to go on and teach someone else that needs that lesson. 

What Facebook portrays is always a little bit different to the way that life may actually be. Don't get me wrong, I love the life I have but its hard sometimes as well. I cant go to my Nans house and sit in her kitchen and cry until I feel better and I just cant pop around to my dads house and eat his cereal and watch cartoons on his couch on a Saturday morning.  Living away from home means that you do a lot of things by yourself. I have the most amazing friends in the world that have become my family but even that doesn't replace the love and undying support of Sunday roasts at your Nans.

When I first decided to move, I came up against a lot of opposition. People didn't want me to go, people didn't believe in me and thought that I would be back in 3 months and a lot of people couldn't understand why I wanted to leave the life I have always known. And here I sit in my favourite cafe 4.5 years later reflecting on the biggest decision I ever made for myself. Before I left, my dad said to me "You're about to do something big, you just need to think about yourself"  (and when he got out of the car, I cried harder than I have ever cried) but he was right, the only way that I was going to get through this and I did get through this is by just thinking about myself. Moving away makes you selfish, but that isn't always a bad thing.

Above all, this is the thing that you really need to remember, life doesn't stop. They move forward with you in the back of their thoughts and you do the same. There is never a good time in life for anything, something will always be going on and something will always be tugging at you to stay so you just need to remind yourself that in life, you only have you, so you need to do whats right for you. And just remember, when it all gets to much, home is only a phone call or a flight away.

Love and Missing

Miss K 

N.B I was just struck with a scary thought, I am single at the moment but if that was to change I cant imagine getting married anywhere but here in Melbourne.... and I don't really know how my heart should feel about that. Life can still be confusing even when you think that you have it all figured out. On another note though,  I guess there is always Bora Bora as a second option.

Two Best Friends and the Bigger Picture

I have been thinking about it a lot lately, about how everything always seems to work out and we manage to land on our feet. I ask myself constantly how I managed to get so lucky in life with the people that are around me. I'm just an average girl who has made a lot of questionable life choices and some how I have managed to come out the other side with all of this.

I have always had trouble letting people in, I saw something recently that stuck with me, it was along the lines of "When I miss you, I will remember the silence that followed" that silence scares me. I'm scared to need people because then when the people are gone (and from experience, they normally go) you are surrounded by the empty silence that is so loud it crushes you. When ever I feel the need to pull away from everything, life has a weird way of giving me the things that I need at the time when I need them most. I found people that made me believe that its ok to let things in.  My main two are the polar opposite of each other but some how they give me the balance that I need.

Friend One is the eternal romantic, she believes in fairy tales and happily ever afters. She recently said to me "You are allowed to have things" and while I didn't tell her, I cried because sometimes we just need to be reminded that we deserve more than what we think we do. Friend Two hates men. Thinks Fairy Tales are for kids movies and tells me to not let feelings in to it. She is my ride or die person and would drop everything to be by my side. She shows up when I am needing most to save me from myself.

And then there is me in the middle, that wants to believe in fairy tales but who doesn't expect that they will happen to her. The person that has so many feelings and emotions but tries to squash them away to keep things simple and the me who believes that I don't deserve good things  These girls are my voice of reason and my back up to war. They see the good and the light that's in me when I forget that its there and they believe in me to the ends of the earth. I'm hard to love but they can do it without blinking an eye. These women are my warriors and my greatest inspiration. So if you want to step to me, let me remind you, they are behind me wishing bad fortune to your private parts.

And then there is us, as a small part of a bigger picture and its a picture that makes me smile every day. Finding friends as adults can be difficult, with conflicting schedules and changed priorities people drift apart, its just life but sometimes you get lucky enough to find new people that drift in. I moved states and knew no one and now I sit here 4 year later surrounded by the biggest group I have probably ever had.The great thing about these people is how much they genuinely care for each other. There is no ego driven one upping, just pure love and support. We all want to see each other succeed and do everything we can to help each other get there. People ask how you are and they actually want to know the answer. Its a nice feeling to go to sleep with.

I guess this is just a little thank you post to every single one of you for loving me and having my back. In case you didn't know, what we are apart of is something pretty special, and if it wasn't for you, it wouldn't be the same.

Love and Thanks 

Miss K 

P.S On a sadder note I have also come to realise that friendship is a lot like water. It ebbs and it flows and you are never really sure what it is going to do next. Sometimes it ends like a tidal wave and sometimes the waters rise so slowly that you don't know that its coming until the moment it washes over your feet. And the worst thing is, when this happens you can feel it, you know that hug and that look is going to be the last and things will just never be quiet the same again. This is where the emptiness comes, you're going to hurt and you'll feel like you've lost your left arm because in reality you have. But you will move on, I promise. Those people have just taught you the lessons you needed to learn and they need to go and teach someone else now. And that space they left will be filled with someone new with new lessons, its just the circle of life. Well, that's just  my opinion anyway.

19 Years On.....

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, about how people change over time and how as we grow as people the way that we see the world and the things that have happened to us in a different light. This year marks the 19th anniversary of my Dad death, nearly two decade and a thousand tiny lifetimes. 

I sometimes feel like I don't fit in to what societies idea of grief is. Some days I will admit that I don't think about him, I don't use his death as an excuse for my failed relationships and when his anniversary or birthday rolls around I am not a complete mess that cant function. But none of this means that I don't miss him and that I don't wish he was here. 

When he first got sick I used to wish that he would die, just because it was so hard to have to watch him go through what he did. Having to empty the buckets of blood that he had thrown up and begging him to go to the doctor when he wouldn't are images that still haunt my dreams. I was so scared always but I didn't feel like I could let it out. And then he did die and I was full of remorse and regrets. For years I would lay awake and hate myself for the fact that I hadn't spoken to him for three weeks or that maybe I hadn't told him enough that I loved him or for those small moments that I wanted it all to end.

Until recently I was not willing to admit the fact that my dad was a functioning Alcoholic, I was ashamed and didn't want people to think badly of him but ultimately its the truth and its a catalyst to his death. He died from complications of cirrhosis of the liver, that nasty thing that happens when you drink to much. He used to run a bar, drinking was kinda par to the course I guess but he was a man that took his work home. I think I knew back then that he used to drink a lot and I didn't understand why he just wouldn't stop, especially after he first got sick. Why keep doing something that was clearly hurting you? I just didn't understand about addiction then. 

Alcoholism has such a bad stigma attached around it and that why its hard for me to write this, my dad was a good man despite his disease. He loved us, he treated us like angels and always put us first. At my age, he was a single dad with two young girls that worked full time to make sure that we had the best of everything that he could give us. I put myself in his shoes and I don't know that I could have done it the way that he did and I take my hat off to him for that. 

We put our parents (or all family elders to some extent) on a pedestal of how we expect them to behave, but at the end of the day, they are just people and it has taken me to being this age before I really understood what that actually meant. Parenting is about sacrifices, your whole life gets turned upside down and you do the best you can to try and keep above the water any way possible. Parents make mistakes but it doesn't mean that they weren't the best version of them that they could be

I wish that I had more photos, or videos or anything to help his memory stay in my head. Sometimes out of know where a  smell or a song will pop up and make me think of him but those moments aren't as sharp as they used to be. I wonder if my life would be different if he was still here, but the more I think about it the more I don't think it would be, I would just have another person cheering me on from the side lines. I have always been this hard headed independent entity and I think that he would have been proud of that. 

And this is the big thing about losing a parent, life goes on, life always goes on. We owe it to them to keep going,  to be the best version of us that we can be, because they gave us the best version of them that they could. Its really that simple. 

Love and Heavy Words 

Miss K

Why Dating is Awkwardly Terrifying

I am getting to the age now where I am among the dwindling number of fabulously single and the only way to become unsingle is to date and as we all know dating is terrifying and awkward. There are so many things to take in to account when it comes to modern day dating that it can leaving your head spinning and wondering if it is even worth the effort (for me the jury is still out on this one). I know some people seem to get dates and relationships easily but for me it has always been a bit of an uphill battle and here are some of the reasons why 

Food Noises -  I like to think that I am a pretty patient and tolerant person and for the most part I am. That is until it comes to food noise. As Urthboy puts it, when I see that red flag I am like a bull to the Matador. What if I go on a date with someone and they chew with their mouth open and then I stab them and then I go to jail?? Its going to be pretty hard to find a boyfriend in jail.

How many people is he dating? - I am a one man women, I have always been that way. If I like you, I like you and I will give you my attention until you don't like me anymore (or I don't like you if that may be the case) but from my experiences of modern dating I may be alone in this dating theory. What if I start going on Dates with someone and at the same time he is dating 3 other women. I don't want that, I'm not a jealous person but I want to be the centre of attention. Whats wrong with that? 

How much of your real self do you reveal - I'm odd, no ifs buts or maybes, I am an acquired taste, when you are first dating someone you want them to get a good impression of you so they come back for more, but how much of me should I show them. Its like, yeah this is all of me and its probably better that you know what you are getting yourself in to from the start, but in doing that, you give them a great excuse to run away. We should pour the crazy out in little trickles, I get that, but sometimes my crazy has ideas of its own.

What shoes do you wear - I am a self proclaimed Shoe Pimp, I judge people on their shoes so it only seems natural that people are going to judge me on mine as well. That's why when it comes to picking the shoes for a date its more important than actually picking the outfit, no lie, I will base my whole outfit around the shoes that I want to wear. Do you pull out the Big Guns straight out, are they worth your favourite Jordan 5's or should you ease them in with a lower level shoe to give yourself some room for impressing later (I wore a beater pair of AM90s a few weeks ago and he rocked up in a fresh pair of AM90s and my AM90 clad feet felt shame that I hadn't upped my game but in fairness I didn't know that I had finally found a worthy opponent) There is a science to shoe picking but it appears that I haven't got that science totally figured out yet. 

Do you Kiss? - As an avid reader of romance novels I know that the first kiss is important, it is something that you want to be able to reminisce about for years to come, so you want to make it good. I am socially awkward and have always made to mess up the first kiss, Ill keep talking or start laughing or not know that you are actually possibly trying to kiss me. I THINK a guy tried to kiss me recently and I got so flustered that I told him he was hugging me with his arms in the wrong position. Way to ruin the moment idiot.... clearly that kiss didn't happen. Now I am starting to wonder if there is actually such a thing as a perfect first kiss. I feel like the movies have lied to me.  

 

What if they are a fussy eater - My mumma did raise me to be a good eater, she would feed us weird things out of dog bowls when we small and as such I have grown in to an adult that is willing to try almost anything. My idea of living hell would be to find a man that is all about meat pies, Kebabs and no fruit or vegetables. What if the guy I like is like that? Can I see myself falling in to these routines for the rest of my life? Is it worth even going on the date?

When is it ok to be excited by the new date? - The below meme is my spirit animal. It is the story of my long and arduous dating life. I meet a guy, we have a few amazing dates, I get excited and talk about him to my friends (sorry friends) and then just like that, BANG, its done. Then you have to tell people that nope, this one was a false alarm as well. After how many dates is it ok to be excited and think that there could be a possibility of the dates turning in to dating? 

Will they actually be as tall as what they say they are? - In the last week I have come to the realisation that Tinder 6ft is entirely different to real life 6 ft. I am the first to admit that I am a bit of a heightist. I like my men tall big and burley, and if you tell me that you are 6ft, I am expecting a 6ft man to rock up. Not a man that is 5'10 on a good day. When women said that size doesn't matter, in this incidence they are lying. I want my kids to play basketball and cant risk mating with you just in case they come out short.... you understand right?

How do you deal with the small world connections? Social Media is a thorn in my side sometimes, while it brings us closer to people we care about, it can also highlights past misdemeanours. That whole, People you May know things could have the potential to open up a whole can of worms. A guy you hooked up with is now showing in the "People you May Know" section because he is mates with the guy you are currently crushing on. Melt Down stations and epic stalking to find out how good a friend they actually are. Does the bro code still come in to it when its been years and years and it was only one night?

What topics can you fill the awkward silences with? When there are awkward silences I tend to fill them with stories about myself because I get nervous  (and maybe because my stories are hilarious and I like the sound of my own voice) but I am always worried that this could come across as being arrogant and full on and I don't really want that. I try to go in to every date with a list of topics that I could bring up to help stimulate conversation but then when I get there I forget them and end up going back to story time. Is it wrong to tell them to take a knee or can I bring flash cards?

Am I steam rolling them with my plans - I am the kind of person that needs to know whats happening and what plans have been made. I get stressed if times aren't set and if things are aimless. I am an efficient dating machine and I expect the same in return. People that are indecisive are generally steam rolled by me because if they don't make up their minds I am going to make it up for them, that's just the way that my life goes and maybe that isn't a great thing. I don't want people to think that I am bossy and inflexible, because that's only partly true. If you come up with a good idea and a plan, awesome, we will run with it, but if you don't, we are doing what I want. You have been warned. 

Who pays? - My dad always raised me to believe that Women should pay for themselves and I know that this kinda goes against the ethos of chivalrous dating. Lots of girls just go on date to get free food and I am not ok with this, there is no such thing as a free meal. I always wonder if they are only paying for me because they are wanting something back from it, or because society tells them that they should or are they paying for me because they genuinely want to? I have been trying really hard to be gracious and thankful when it happens and I am getting better. But a little point for guys, if a girl is willing to pay, let her once in a while. She needs you to know that she is happy to contribute and she doesn't expect things from you (well that's the way that I feel about it anyway)

So there is it, the reason that its awkward and terrifying trying to get yourself off the shelf. Add to that the money, the time and personal grooming that is required to date and you can fully understand why people avoid it at all costs. On the flip side though I am starting to realise that every date could actually be an investment in my future, sure today its coffee but in 50 years it may be rocking chairs with the same person, you just never know.

With Love and Dating Dilemmas

Miss K 

P.S I know for my frequent followers you will be like "but you said you were off Tinder" and I was and I am again, but recently I went on a few dates that ended in a "What the fuck happened" kinda scenario and my confidence took a bit of a dive as a result of that, as a way of moving past this I decided to give Tinder another crack. I collected me a few Pokemen to chat to and haven't been back on it since. Though this time around I bit the bullet and actually said yes to meeting up.... such a rebel I am.

The A to Z of things you might not know about Miss K

Allergies - When you are admitted to hospital and you have allergies they give you a red band to highlight that you are a bit special. When ever anyone hospitally comes to talk to you, they ask you what your name, DOB and allergies are. No worries mate, well that is if you have normal allergies, most of mine are pretty common. Latex, Nickle, Lanolin, Nuts but then I have a really fucking stupid one that makes everyone go WHAT!! That's right folks, I am allergic to wood. Only 0.08% of the population is allergic to wood and I happened to find myself in that elite group. I always wanted to be exceptional, but this wasn't really what I had in mind.

Bs and Ds - nope, not talking about boobs, little known fact, when I was younger I was really bad at spelling. Like really bad, to the point where I had to write bed on the top of all my tests so that I wouldn't get my Bs and Ds mixed up. I don't know what happened by one day it just clicked and I kick arse in the language stakes now. (And if you must know, they are DD/E)

Clumsy - My ex always used to joke that he should wrap me up in Bubble Wrap to keep me safe because I am a bit accident prone and hurt myself in stupid ways, if something is going to happen its going to happen to me. I broke my knuckle by a swinging spanner, my nose with a socket wrench (I know about the release button now thank goodness) and just the other day when I was getting a massage the massage table tipped upside down while I was on it. Honestly you wouldn't read about half this stuff.

Depression - I am not to proud to say that I have suffered from it, and in pretty heavy bouts more than once. Its something that is always simmering under the surface and has the potential to tip the scales at the smallest thing. I have had crippling anxiety and there were times when I couldn't leave my house. Because of this I am a huge advocate for Mental Health. There is no shame in admitting that you need help and reaching out could save your life.

Excitement - I get excited about a lot of things, to the point where when I smile my eyes disappear. Fireworks and sunsets and dogs with fluffy tails and especially inflatable waving arm men, they are my most favourite. I like to see the silver lining in life, my mum always says that I was a happy child, I like to be a happy adult as well. 

Frances -  This is my middle name, when I was younger i was strangely embarrassed about it, but as I have grown up it not really an embarrassment. Its a name that was carried by family members before me and if I ever have kids, a name that I will likely pass on to them as well. Little traditions can give you a sort of belonging... or something.

Glasses - I have worn glasses since I was about 8 years old, I need them to see, Like legit, without them I can see about 20 cm in front of me. I was always really shy about wearing them out and having my photo taken because years of being teased as a child must have had a knock on effect to me being an adult. Really it is a stupid shyness to have though, the sexy librarian gets a lot of guys so I have heard. Also with them being more main stream and people wearing glasses just for the fun of it the taboo has lifted. Kissing whilst wearing glasses is still a pain in the arse though, all those nose smudges on the lenses, not that I do kissing these days, but if I did.... you get the picture

Horses - No Thanks Mate. Everyone has their irrational fear, and this is mine. When I was small a horse bolted with me on the back of it, and then over the years I have tried to give them other chances and they have always just turned out to be giant jerks. So if you are thinking of taking me on some romantic date, please, I beg you, take Horse Riding off the list.

 

Independent - I have always been this way, if you want something done, you are best to do it yourself. I lived alone for a long time, I know basic home repairs and can fix a car like no ones business. It has been going on so long that I forget how to let people in and that I don't need to do it all by myself. Its something that I have to work on, and I am trying. 

Japan - I have been there a couple of times and it floored me. From the food to the friendly people to how beautiful and their architecture was, I fell in love. The Japanese culture has been a part of my life for a long time, so thank you Japan. You are awesome and you make amazing cars.

Kookaburra - one time when I was small and eating a piece of steak a Kookaburra swooped down and ripped my nose off. Well not entirely off but off enough to make me need a band aid. Funnily enough though, I am actually still really fond of birds (and steak, did some body say Steak?).

Love - You could say that I am unlucky in love and you would be right, but instead of making me bitter and hating the world it has done the opposite. I love love, I live for love and nothing makes me happier than seeing people that I love being loved. I am coming to the age where everyone I know is getting married and having kids and this explodes my heart for them because they deserve happiness and to feel all the love in the world. Keep loving each other people, you make my heart smile and I am excited about the one day when someone is going to love me that way as well.

Music - It is pretty much my everything. I have no musical talent but I don't like silence so I am all about other peoples music. Sometimes I cry when I watch people playing piano, this morning on the way to brunch I was listening to Neil Diamond and Kesha with a bit of Elvis thrown in for good measure and you bet your bottom dollar that I was singing to all of it at the top of my lungs!!!! I am bad at singing but I do it anyway, because YOLO.

Nike - I don't know if it was ever a conscious decision to start collecting shoes, it just kinda happened. I got my first pair and then found others that I liked and it grew and grew and grew. I became known for my shoes and on Casual Fridays I used to have people coming to my desk just to see what I was rocking. I have lined up for Shoes even.... jesus, who have I become. Well actually I haven't become anyone, I was always this way, just now this way comes with much cooler kicks

Opinionated - I always laugh at the Meme that says "Some things are better left unsaid, but I am going to say them anyway" and that kind of has become the unwitting moto for my life. I try hard to keep my onions to myself but when I feel passionate about something, it seems to spew forth from my mouth.

Perfume - Do you know how some people just had a smell? For me that smell is Ralph Lauren - Romance. I have worn it since I was 18 so I guess by now, 15 years later you could say that it is my signature fragrance. See, like I mentioned in L, I love love and everything around love. Ever fragrances of the same kind.

Quiet - I am this loud confident person in public but in private I love the quiet and the still. I am an introverted Extrovert and this means that my head wars with itself a lot. I need time away to get myself together before I can tackle the next bout of life.

Romance Novels - No Shame here, but I love me a bit of trashy romance. It gives me an unrealistic hope that one day someone will put up with my shit and say that they love me. That's a pretty exciting prospect and he a bit of unadulterated literary sex never hurt anyone

S - An S13 Silvia name Stella - she is my proudest achievement and also my biggest regret. I got her as a stock little thing and turned her in to the Diamond that she ended up being. Until the day that I die, I will regret selling her because the day that she left, I lost a tiny little bit of my heart

Trains - about 4 months ago I decided that I wanted to be a train driver, 3 months ago I became a trainee train driver. Toot Toot mother fuckers. This just goes to show that you can do what ever you put your mind to (and when your mind isn't in it, you can do what ever your friends believe that you can do. Thanks friends)

Underwear, its is a necessary evil but I bloody hate it. The minute that I am home it comes off, my skin needs to breath. But the flip side of that is that for someone that doesn't like underwear, I certainly have a whole heaps of it. I am easily fooled by the marketing that I will be more attractive if I wear Lingerie and it strangely works. I have this new theory that if I am wearing sexy underwear I do better in my exams. For every exam I have worn lovely little lace things and have scored 98% + and the day that I wore some boring old cotton tails I got 90%. There has to be some science to that I am sure.

Vulgar - I was tossing up between Vulgar and Vagina but then I realised that by mentioning my vagina that would actually be vulgarity. I have a potty mouth but I am trying to improve on that. Also cutting down on the sexual connotations, sure I still giggle but I am working on that as well

Wasley - That's who I am. A few years ago I went through a really rough break up and my sister posted a nice photo of us on my Facebook with the sentence saying "You will get through this because you are a Wasley and its what Wasleys do" and she is 100% right. I am a Wasley and I can get through anything. **

X-Rays - Tie this one in with being Clumsy I guess but I have had a truck load of XRays, on everything. My Feet (fractures in my toes), Hands (Broken knuckle and Boxers bone) My Hip (chips off the top of my hip bone from an ice skating stack) My Spine (crocked cause life) My Face (hair line fracture in my cheek bone) and probably more that are slipping my mind at the moment. I should have kept them all and then turned them in to Venetians for my Volvo Wagon that I want(ohhhhh that totally could have been my V word... shit. Next time). I think I read that in a book once and have wanted to do it every since

Youngest - I have an older sister, there is just the two of us. I have always been an emotional person, she used to get people coming up to her at school saying "your sister is crying AGAIN" and as much as she hated it, she probably felt like she should protect me and look after me. I really do appreciate that. Even if we used to (and sometimes still do) fight and hate each other.

Zoos - yeah it appears that I am scraping the bottom of the barrel to fund something for Z but I do like Zoos, true story. Seeing that horses and dates are out of the picture, I would be happy with a date to the Zoo to see other kinds of animals. Because animals are rad. 

So there it, an alphabet of information that took you time to read that you wont get back, You're welcome

Love and Letters 

Miss K

** When I was younger I got some pretty bad tattoos, I don't regret them because they were part of my tattooed journey but I can say that the pick and sticks weren't the best. Anyway I got this rad dragon tattooed on my lower back (as all 18 year old girls did back in the year 2001) and to add on to it, I got Wasley written next to it, except it looked more like it said Wasted and the wings of the Dragon spelt sex when you looked at it from the side and covered up its body.... so now all we can think of when we talk about my old tattoos is the Wasted Sex Dragon..... not very Wasley like, had a bit of wasted sex in my time, but sadly I have never been a Dragon 

The Friend Zone and Other Things

I got approached about writing a post on the Friendzone the other night and I thought FINALLY something that I have had a lot of experience in. Actually I am starting to think that my whole life has just been a Contiki Tour around the Friend Zone, complete with too much drinking and a case of Contiki Cough (or Chlamydia if you were super unlucky). Is it because I am too quick to develop feelings for someone, or the fact that I am some sort of hideous creature like Quasimodo that is still searching for my Esmeralda? Lets investigate this

Am I too nice? - Yeah look, I can hear some of you scoffing about this because there is no two ways about it, I am a bit of a cunt, but deep down I am actually a pretty decent person. It might be deep deep down but it is still in there. A few years ago I worked a brief stink in recruitment and while I was doing all the right things, I couldn't get the conversions because apparently I am to nice and it really easy to say no to me. It appears that this has spilled out in to my dating life. I will ask for something, you will say no and I will say, oh ok instead of grabbing you by the horns and forcing you to do what I want. Maybe I need to work on that.

Am I too cool? - you don't want to ruin the friendship by saying yes to our bits touching... or something. I know I am cool, I am fun and I have great stories and I probably say what everyone wants to but are to scared to, but if I am out of the friend zone I probably wont change that much. I will say the inappropriate things and then get back to making you a sandwich. You would be living the best of both worlds. Because really, think about it, if I am this much fun out of the sheets, just imagine what I am like in the sheets (actually probably don't imagine because you might just be let down if it was to even eventuate)

Am one I of the guys? - I like cars and beer and sport and that's cool, but the draw back of that is that I think maybe the boys forget that I have boobs and womanly urges. Maybe they are like me, if I don't think about a guy romantically, to me,you are all just Ken Dolls and have plastic pants and no bits. Is this the way they see me?? A Barbie Doll with a perfect body and no facilities for fun? Am I like an A Sexual Worm? Fuck

I was too quick to agree to  hitting the sheets - This one was more so back in the day than in modern times but I used to fall in to bed with guys I had crushes on knowing full well that would probably be the end of it and I would be back in the Zone quickly but hey, attention was attention. These days I never actually sleep with anyone so maybe there needs to be some middle ground. When is the right amount of time to know someone before you sleep with someone? Is there a special formula that I don't know about? Someone help me. I always used to joke when I was younger that my Vagina was actually Pandora's Box, guys would fall in to it and never come out, but it appears that it might have lost its power

Do they even know that I am trying to get out? - This one kind of goes hand in hand with being too nice, but I am starting to think that I might actually be really bad at giving signs. What is a big deal to me (think touching or cuddling or just being in someones space) is actually pretty normal for most people. I make these big grand gestures that can be overlooked for the fact that any girl likes to cuddle. Jesus when will the world realise that I am not just any girl (If I could put an emoticon in here, it would be the one of the monkey covering its eyes, so you'll just have to use your imagination). I tried to get out of the friendzone with a mate late last year by draping myself all over him in a drunken stupor, his remark to all of our friends was "check her out, laying all over me". That didn't work out so well for me, but I am actually happy that it didn't, hind sight hey.  

I talk about other boys and whats going on - I am the queen of self sabotage, ask my best friend Vic, if there were medals for it, I would certainly win something. One day she asked me if I was dropped as a child.... I actually wish I was because then it could explain my behaviour, I will be making headway in getting up the Friend Zone slope and then I will panic and do something dumb like making out with someone else AND THEN reporting it back to the guy. Stupid Hey. He was probably warming to the idea of us as a thing and then I go and tell him about a thing with someone else and he backs off. Its really a vicious cycle. I did it because I liked him, he took it as a sign that I didn't like him. I am not saying that it makes sense because it most certainly doesn't but its just what I do ok. Yo, future Kerry, learn to shut your mouth for once.

Am I too available?  I am sure the saying treat them mean keep them keen could possibly play some part in this equation, but I was never really good at the mean bit. If my "Friend" is wanting to hang out and do things I will petty much drop all that I am doing to hang out with them because what if this is the one time that could change their mind about me? But probably in reality it isn't and they just now expect me to always be there and the mystery is gone. I should probably get a Friend Zone Sponsor, if I want to rush to his side, I can call this friend and she will talk me down for the ledge.... prevention is better than cure. 

Do I put them in the Friendzone First? As mentioned above, I am a bit retarded in matters of the heart so it is entirely plausible that I give off the impression of Friendzoning First. I joke and call them mate and this would actually give them the wrong idea. I found out today that there is a big difference between calling someone a friend and calling someone a mate. Apparently if you call someone a friend it means that you are wanting to bang.... apparently, who knew. Who knew? So from now on, maybe I should just call everyone friend so that I can keep my options open.

Am I actually really hideous and wanting to go above my station?  More and more I am starting to think that this actually might be the case, but then I take a bomb selfie and change my mind. I ain't bad for an ageing vintage, Just gotta find a connoisseur that is willing to acquire me.

 

Don't worry, I fully see the irony of this post and to anyone that is reading this that I have Friend Zoned, I am sorry, it is the circle of life of guess. One day you are Simba in the Pride Lands and the Next you are the Pride Lands that are being Ruled by Scar. Being in the Friend Zone is tough at the most normal of times but couple that with having a Vagina and a Gamete of female emotions and you are pretty much fucked. As women we like  to look in to things too deeply and dissect every interaction to try and find the hidden meaning of it. Its like, I know he is saying this, but his actions are saying this, so Hooray, he likes me. Most of the time he doesn't though. You just need to find your map and get back in to the Friend Zone where you belong. I realise that now

Love and Zoning Laws

Miss K

P.S Sorry about all the Disney References. I watched Inside Out last night so I am in a bit of a Disney Mood. Disney is kinda like the Simpsons, you can apply it to any aspect of your life and it just makes sense. Also I will admit that I have never seen the Hunchback of Notre Dam and had to look it up on Google to find out who his love interest was.... actually I don't even know if they do fall in love. I hope so because it will give hope to little Quasimodo me.