Things I Do Well
- Making shy people feel uncomfortable
- Reaching things on high shelves
- Squirting water out of my mouth in a precision like manner at a target
- Over thinking simple situations
Things I do Badly
- Drying my back properly when I get out of the shower
- Co-Ordination, all kinds, every day
- Having a poker face
- Putting my underwear on the right way, 7 days a week
- Physical Contact and Touching
So there it is, a little snap shot of the good and the bad that occurs in my daily life. But the one I really want to focus on, is the last one, because I am starting realise that it might actually be a bit of a big deal. For me, I have always been pretty bad at people being in my space, I guess I am a kind of a lone shark, but in recent years I have gotten discernibly worse. Long story short, I was the victim of a sexual assault a few years ago and now, I guess I am a bit crazy (well more than I used to be anyway I guess, or maybe a different type of crazy. Anyway crazy). I have gone through extensive counselling and I am most of the time ok, I can function and I am getting on with my life but it has had some knock on effects, like being weird about touching.
I have a friend (actually I have quiet a few) and she loves affection and will demand hugs and back tickles from anyone that is around and I envy her freeness with it all. For me its more, oh god, I don't know this person!!! Why are they touching me!!! Or I worry if they hug me, I wont be able to get away. And I guess as you can imagine, it makes dealings with the opposite sex pretty difficult. If I am honest mostly I just let these interactions happen because I know that its me with the problem and to most people, these encounters are normal. My head screams at me to man the panic stations but I am getting better at trying to silence it and with each bit of contact I am starting to regain some footing.
And to add to all of this, I am a walking contradiction and I know it. I want to be able to touch people and be close to them, and when I have decided in my head that I trust you and I am ok, I am probably going to do little things like put my hand on your arm, or want to hug you when things aren't going so well and to you its not big deal but to me, its huge. I have dropped a big wall to do that, and I kinda hope that you see that. To be honest, I haven't actually figured out the best way to let people know how much it means and I just kinda hope that they can work it out for themselves.
Facebook memories popped up this post the other day and while I was reading back I was struck by how much has changed and how far I have come in three years and I am pretty proud of that. Three years ago, I couldn't have anyone touch me and even used to panic when men would look in my direction, and now I am at the point where I want certain people to touch me and that's an exciting advancement. Its all steps in the right direction.
Some mornings, I wake up and think, today is going to be a day when I am going to destroy the world, all of the molecules and happiness seem to align inside me and I feel unstoppable. I am starting to think that this may be the secret to it all, the answer to all the weirdness and aversion. Its something I am probably going to investigate anyway. So there it is, the problem, the exceptions and hopefully the solution, I guess now we just wait to see what I can build out of this
Love and Touching