Saturday, 6 August 2016

The Friend Zone and Other Things

I got approached about writing a post on the Friendzone the other night and I thought FINALLY something that I have had a lot of experience in. Actually I am starting to think that my whole life has just been a Contiki Tour around the Friend Zone, complete with too much drinking and a case of Contiki Cough (or Chlamydia if you were super unlucky). Is it because I am too quick to develop feelings for someone, or the fact that I am some sort of hideous creature like Quasimodo that is still searching for my Esmeralda? Lets investigate this

Am I too nice? - Yeah look, I can hear some of you scoffing about this because there is no two ways about it, I am a bit of a cunt, but deep down I am actually a pretty decent person. It might be deep deep down but it is still in there. A few years ago I worked a brief stink in recruitment and while I was doing all the right things, I couldn't get the conversions because apparently I am to nice and it really easy to say no to me. It appears that this has spilled out in to my dating life. I will ask for something, you will say no and I will say, oh ok instead of grabbing you by the horns and forcing you to do what I want. Maybe I need to work on that.

Am I too cool? - you don't want to ruin the friendship by saying yes to our bits touching... or something. I know I am cool, I am fun and I have great stories and I probably say what everyone wants to but are to scared to, but if I am out of the friend zone I probably wont change that much. I will say the inappropriate things and then get back to making you a sandwich. You would be living the best of both worlds. Because really, think about it, if I am this much fun out of the sheets, just imagine what I am like in the sheets (actually probably don't imagine because you might just be let down if it was to even eventuate)

Am one I of the guys? - I like cars and beer and sport and that's cool, but the draw back of that is that I think maybe the boys forget that I have boobs and womanly urges. Maybe they are like me, if I don't think about a guy romantically, to me,you are all just Ken Dolls and have plastic pants and no bits. Is this the way they see me?? A Barbie Doll with a perfect body and no facilities for fun? Am I like an A Sexual Worm? Fuck

I was too quick to agree to  hitting the sheets - This one was more so back in the day than in modern times but I used to fall in to bed with guys I had crushes on knowing full well that would probably be the end of it and I would be back in the Zone quickly but hey, attention was attention. These days I never actually sleep with anyone so maybe there needs to be some middle ground. When is the right amount of time to know someone before you sleep with someone? Is there a special formula that I don't know about? Someone help me. I always used to joke when I was younger that my Vagina was actually Pandora's Box, guys would fall in to it and never come out, but it appears that it might have lost its power

Do they even know that I am trying to get out? - This one kind of goes hand in hand with being too nice, but I am starting to think that I might actually be really bad at giving signs. What is a big deal to me (think touching or cuddling or just being in someones space) is actually pretty normal for most people. I make these big grand gestures that can be overlooked for the fact that any girl likes to cuddle. Jesus when will the world realise that I am not just any girl (If I could put an emoticon in here, it would be the one of the monkey covering its eyes, so you'll just have to use your imagination). I tried to get out of the friendzone with a mate late last year by draping myself all over him in a drunken stupor, his remark to all of our friends was "check her out, laying all over me". That didn't work out so well for me, but I am actually happy that it didn't, hind sight hey.  

I talk about other boys and whats going on - I am the queen of self sabotage, ask my best friend Vic, if there were medals for it, I would certainly win something. One day she asked me if I was dropped as a child.... I actually wish I was because then it could explain my behaviour, I will be making headway in getting up the Friend Zone slope and then I will panic and do something dumb like making out with someone else AND THEN reporting it back to the guy. Stupid Hey. He was probably warming to the idea of us as a thing and then I go and tell him about a thing with someone else and he backs off. Its really a vicious cycle. I did it because I liked him, he took it as a sign that I didn't like him. I am not saying that it makes sense because it most certainly doesn't but its just what I do ok. Yo, future Kerry, learn to shut your mouth for once.

Am I too available?  I am sure the saying treat them mean keep them keen could possibly play some part in this equation, but I was never really good at the mean bit. If my "Friend" is wanting to hang out and do things I will petty much drop all that I am doing to hang out with them because what if this is the one time that could change their mind about me? But probably in reality it isn't and they just now expect me to always be there and the mystery is gone. I should probably get a Friend Zone Sponsor, if I want to rush to his side, I can call this friend and she will talk me down for the ledge.... prevention is better than cure. 

Do I put them in the Friendzone First? As mentioned above, I am a bit retarded in matters of the heart so it is entirely plausible that I give off the impression of Friendzoning First. I joke and call them mate and this would actually give them the wrong idea. I found out today that there is a big difference between calling someone a friend and calling someone a mate. Apparently if you call someone a friend it means that you are wanting to bang.... apparently, who knew. Who knew? So from now on, maybe I should just call everyone friend so that I can keep my options open.

Am I actually really hideous and wanting to go above my station?  More and more I am starting to think that this actually might be the case, but then I take a bomb selfie and change my mind. I ain't bad for an ageing vintage, Just gotta find a connoisseur that is willing to acquire me.
Don't worry, I fully see the irony of this post and to anyone that is reading this that I have Friend Zoned, I am sorry, it is the circle of life of guess. One day you are Simba in the Pride Lands and the Next you are the Pride Lands that are being Ruled by Scar. Being in the Friend Zone is tough at the most normal of times but couple that with having a Vagina and a Gamete of female emotions and you are pretty much fucked. As women we like  to look in to things too deeply and dissect every interaction to try and find the hidden meaning of it. Its like, I know he is saying this, but his actions are saying this, so Hooray, he likes me. Most of the time he doesn't though. You just need to find your map and get back in to the Friend Zone where you belong. I realise that now

Love and Zoning Laws

Miss K

P.S Sorry about all the Disney References. I watched Inside Out last night so I am in a bit of a Disney Mood. Disney is kinda like the Simpsons, you can apply it to any aspect of your life and it just makes sense. Also I will admit that I have never seen the Hunchback of Notre Dam and had to look it up on Google to find out who his love interest was.... actually I don't even know if they do fall in love. I hope so because it will give hope to little Quasimodo me.

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