The other day while getting ready for a massage I came to a revelation about my body and if I am honest its probably something that should have happened a long time ago. I am 95% (because 100% would leave no room for improvement) happy with the skin that I am in, even though society tells me that I probably shouldn't be. I was trying to pick the perfect knickers to wear and on looking down I realised that I have a pretty great bum. It may not be rock hard and looks more like a rockmelon than a watermelon, but it is mine and it is the way it is because of the life experiences that I have had. We've lived a good life, my arse and me, and here is what we think.
So much of how we view ourselves comes down to how we think that other people view us. I was chatting with a guy the other night and as so many of these young ones do, he asked for Nudes and to entice me to send him some, he sent me a couple of torso shots and I was blown away, this kid was in a good shape, like great shape and I was gob smacked and instantly instead of wanting to send him something back I retreated in to myself and decided that next to that, my body was not worthy of attention. I was making a decision for him, I decided that I wasn't good enough and wouldn't really listen to what he had to say even when he tried to convince me otherwise... the human brain is pretty stupid, I talked myself out of the compliments that were probably coming. Why would he be asking for nudes if he didn't find me attractive? The thought that I wasn't good enough even overruled the fact that I gave up sending nudes to people years ago.... stupid brain.
Its not easy being a women and having these preconceived ideas on beauty being thrown at us through the media and as much as we would like to think that it doesn't affect us, it really does. Recently I went on a few dates with this amazing guy and I was really excited about the prospect that it could be something, when he stopped contacting me, one of the first things that crossed my mind was that it must have been because I wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough for him. That really is the most preposterous thought, he had spent time with me previously so he knew what I was about, why do we so quickly jump in that direction and blame ourselves for not being enough. We discount everything else about ourselves that is great (like my eyes, or my personality or my superior joke telling ability) and let it be over ruled by how much we weigh and what we think people think of us. What is wrong with us?
If I was to describe my ideal man to you, he would be tall, chubby, bearded and tattooed. I like Chubby Men, I have always liked Chubby Men, to me they are gods perfection, so with this in mind does it not also make sense that there are men out there that like Chubby Women. I am tall, chubby and tattooed (I have been working on the bearded but sadly no matter how hard I try I cant seem to get that one) so why cant I be gods perfection as well?
I follow a lot of plus Size Models on Instagram and I always look at them and think about how beautiful they are and I would always wish that I had the same confidence as them and then I realised that there is no reason that I cant. I always used to worry about being single at this age because my "Prime" was behind me, my body isn't as tight and perky as 18 year old Kerry's body and that made me upset because my great love would be getting the watered down version, but then I got thinking, why cant now be my prime. Its not so much about what you look like or what you used to look like but its how you hold you self. There is a line in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory where Willy Wonka is being accosted by one of the little girls and he turns to her and says "Well, Confidence is Key" and I am going to make that my Mantra. And while my body may not be as taunt and terrific as it used to be, my face has certainly improved, and that's mostly what the world sees anyway so I'm taking that as a win. You're welcome world, you're welcome
I am able to look at this situation from both angles, I have been skinny and believe it or not I hated it. A few years ago I went through a pretty nasty break up and my body suffered because of it. I dropped 30kg in about 3 months and everyone was saying how great I looked but when I looked in the mirror I was so unhappy. At first I wasn't sure if it was because I hated the reason for the weight loss or I actually hated what I saw and I am now starting to realise it was probably the latter. My ribs stuck out, my hips jutted and I had lost all the soft that I liked and realistically I looked like a bobble head. It was terrifying to me. I look back on photos and feel ill because of it. Sure I fit in to societies idea of skinny beauty but I went against what I felt to be beautiful.
I have friends that are fabulously skinny and work out and limit their life styles so that they can have their perfect bikini body and I support them totally, they are being happy with the skin that they are in as well, they are just doing it in a different way to me. I like going to the gym, I enjoyed boxing and being fit and strong but I also enjoy going out and eating and spending times with my friends without limitations, that to me is the balance. There is no right or wrong answer on what you think is beautiful or how you want your body to be. Be happy with what you've got or change it until you are, but only do it because you want to and not because society tells you that you should. To me you are all beautiful and perfect, true story.
Love and Thunderous Thighs
P.S Turns out that my Underwear for my massage was the least of my problems, to say it was a disaster is maybe the understatement of the year. I ended up with 2nd Degree Burns from a Malfunctioning rain shower and bruises and a bang on the head when the massage table we were using flipped and catapulted me to the heavens. When I got over the pain I was thankful that I had chosen the black lace Brazilian cut panties because I am sure the Masseuses would have been thankful they were something pretty as my arse went cartwheeling past her face. Its ok to laugh, I certainly did when the pain stopped.