What happens when you have a Crush?

I have been sitting here today in quiet reflection and it has occurred to me that I am not very subtle. In anything really. I have a big personality, I am loud and in your face and if I have a crush on someone, generally the whole world knows about it. That's just the way that it has always been and that's fine, but what the world doesn't know is all the crazy things that happen behind the scenes of having a crush. I thought it was time that the world knew... just so the rest of you crazies don't feel alone.  

You think about what kind of children you would have, or actually if they want kids at all. They could be tall and tattooed and totally bad arse. If only you had the opportunity to procreate. Oh why cant we procreate? It would be magnificent. 

You look over interactions constantly. They said this, that must mean that they secretly love me, they are just shy. That's OK, I am just the thing that they need to make them come out of their shell. 

You start to find interest in the things that they like "Oh you like to listen to obscure 1930's Swedish punk music whilst rollerskating? I thought I was the only one" 

You start using words they use, like Grool and that's Grool (its a mix of great and cool, in case you didn't know). Don't they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery?

You sometimes blatantly ignore them. Oh they are sitting right behind me and have come over to talk to me? Well isn't it convenient that I just have to go and get a drink at this exact moment.  Its not you, its me. But I still like you, honest.

You cant look at their photos, because that just makes all those squishy feelings too much to deal with. They all come bubbling up to the surface and threaten to explode. So its best just not to look. For everyones sake. 

You want to like everything that they have ever posted since the beginning of eternity because they are so smart and interesting and witty, but instead you silently stalk their profiles without touching anything because you want to try to hide this one from the world. But in your head you are liking it, then unliking it, just so you can like it again. 

You have a mapped out conversation in your head before you talk to them. "Oh, so you like pie? I like pie! what kind of pie do you like? Why are we talking about pie" 

You find reasons to contact them, one time 7 years ago, they posted on Facebook saying that they were looking for an ancient turtle egg and you just happened to find one of Ebay (not that you went looking for it, you just happened to stumble upon it while looking for something else) so you need to let them to know. 

You Secretly write your new signature in the steam of the shower screen glass. You know, just so you can practice for the certain upcoming nuptials. Its like the perfect crime, one sweep of your hand and all evidence is gone. Perfect. A "K" flows best into an "S" or a "B", or really anything that I can make curvy. 

You mention them to other people but in a round about way that is really subtle so people don't realise that inside you are all gooey for them. But really they know and you aren't fooling anyone. Its just nice to live in that fantasy land thinking that you are fooling people isn't it? 

You don't want to have to contact them all the time and seem to keen so you send telepathic messages and Jedi Mind Tricks out in the universe to get them to contact you and then when they do you do a little smiling jump hop because they are so in tuned to you. If that doesn't show a couple that should be, what does?

You hate every girl that they interact with. Who is this slut? Are they banging? I bet she has a wizard sleeve vagina. Its totally inconceivable that they could just be friends... you have a sixth sense about these things. You are part Jedi after all (please see previous point)

You put in that little bit of an extra effort when there is even an outside chance that you might run into them. These kind of occasions call for a slathering of slap and a drag of the hair brush. You have the next 60 years to show him how unattractive you actually are so may as well trick him while you can.

You store little tid bits of information about them. Its kinda like you have a photographic memory for the information bread crumbs they are willing to give you. Its not creepy, its just taking an interest in who they are as a person and what makes them tick. 

You know that he is coming to a party that you are having so your stalk his Spotify to find his favourite songs and then casually add them to your play list so he thinks you like them as well. He just needs to see how much you both have in common and then it will be on. Oh, How it will be on!** 

I actually hate having those little sparkly crush feelings towards someone. It really is legit the worst. Sure its nice sometimes when you can day dream and be inside that love bubble but rationally that's not a long term viable option. Having a crush on someone generally means constant self doubt and over thinking. Maybe as I've gotten older Ive stopped looking at love with rose coloured glasses on. And you know the worst thing about feelings, you can like anyone you want, but so can they.  

Love and Lusting After 

Miss K 

** this one wasn't actually me, it was a fan submission and it may be the best thing that I have ever heard. That is next level stalking that the likes of my mind could not comprehend. I might have to get her to teach me the ways of her people. It could come in handy in the future.

Things that I don't understand..

God life can be confusing sometimes. I consider myself to be an educated Lass but sometimes I cant wrap my head around things... these things mainly

Belly Buttons - I understand why they are there but really once the Stork has dropped us off (because that's how babies are born) what use do they have. They are weird and deep caverns that fill up with fluff.... and don't even get me started on outies. 

People who do not know the difference between "his" and "he is" - I am known to be a lyrical Nazi (hail Fuhrer) and I am willing to look past most errors. But this one. Like... no. Please. Don't. Enough Westie.

Mens Nipples - do you touch them? why are they there? can they lactate? I am so confused.

Australians that don't like Vegemite - its like our Patriotic right of passage 

People that don't find farts funny - or bodily noises in general. Before I did a burp that sounded like a Raptor roar and it was awesome. Also this one time I farted and it sounded like the roaring in the Lion King when Simba takes back Pride Rock. OK that one wasn't funny, that was just monumentally phenomenal. 

Not picking up money off the ground - you really never know when you are going to need that $0.05 and I don't really care if you call me a scab. I am OK with this. My bank balance negates the need for pride.

Morning People - Gross. I used to date one. It was the worst. We talked about it yesterday, his room mate at work said he probably needs to get checked out. I agree with this sentiment

Smokers under the age of 35 - we grew up in a generation where the dangers of smoking are highly publicised yet people still light up? You what mate?

People that don't read - Books are awesome man. You can go to a world that you cant imagine and experience a life that you never knew you wanted. Plus it gives you a perfect excuse to ignore people when on public transport.

How someone as amazing as me is still single - actually now that I mention it... never mind

How at the age of 32 I still leave the house with my underwear inside out at least once a week  - but that's OK because apparently its lucky. So really I am not retarded, I am just creating my own luck.

Parmas - this has ended relationships but I just cant wrap my head around it? Deep fried chicken covered in cheese and tomato sauce. Yuck. Just Yuck. I would actually prefer dick pics (Please see below)

Doodle Shots - so you like send them because you are keen to get me hot?? Uhhh maybe its just me but when I am watching porn, I don't actually pay attention to the penis. There are other things to look at. I could be doing it wrong I admit buuuutttt probably not. 

People who don't find me funny - have you met me? Like really. 

See, like I said. Confusing....

Love and Head Scratchings

Miss K 

Them Tinder Tingles - Part 2

While researching for my previous blog on Tinder I came across a wealth of reasons as to why the majority of modern day single were signed up. While its not something I believe will work for me, it appears to have a variety of uses for other people. Here are some things to keep in mind behind the motivations of people you meet on Tinder

The are all about the Hook ups - Well der, seeing that is actually the main reason that Tinder was developed. If they are on Tinder then you can make an educated guess that they are DTF (for anyone that doesn't know, that means Down to Fuck(. You can get some action without all the pesky getting to know you questions. Does anyone else remember that song from a few years ago that said "I don't want to know your name, I just want to Bang Bang Bang" Pretty much that's what Tinder is about.

They want to be Pokemon masters - You've got to collect them all. I was out one night with friends a few months ago and all the single lads were on Tinder seeing how many matches they could get. It was a big game and a pissing contest to see who could collect the most in the shortest amount of time. Its kinda like E Fame, it doesn't actually mean anything but people pat themselves on the back for it anyway. High Fives and Fist bumps all around but heed this warning, these people have feelings too... and people can get hurt. Just a little FYI.

Because Trolls don't just live under bridges - but they probably should. Not long after my last painful break up I still had my ex on my Facebook and on logging in after a three week Hiatus the first post that I saw was a lovely Tinder Screen Shot that he had posted along the lines of him say "Whats the difference between me and my couch?" I am sure we have all heard that one. Anyway he posted the screen shot to show the world that he was witty and intelligent and able to crush the finer sex that were out there looking for love. Or something. Actually, I don't really know the reason. To me it seems counter productive just to swipe yes to someone if you are going to troll them from the outset. Try and put yourself in their shoes and get back under your bridge. 

They could be looking to make friends -In this busy day and age its sometimes difficult to make new friends and in reality, in Tinder you have the potential of a friend in every person you encounter. That's a pretty awesome concept when you think about it. You may not go into it looking for a new friend, but sometimes when you meet people you just click and you know that they need to be a part of your life but you probably don't want to bump uglies with them. And that's cool man. Think of the lessons that these friends have the teach you.

Its good for stalking people you know - I don't really understand this one but apparently people go on there just to find their friends. Is it like AH HA exclamation point exclamation point!!!! I found you, now I can laugh and lord this over you. But wait, aren't you on there as well, so cant they do the same for you. I don't know why we get so surprised that people are out in the world looking to get laid, because isn't that a basic human desire?

They like being judgmental Cunts - If someone politely rejects you it makes sense to say all manner of terrible things about them. Actually its the only way, and there are whole website dedicated to screen shots of these beratings. If you are sitting behind a screen you can say what ever you like without any real ramifications, Its kind of a win win situation I guess. Well unless you are on the end of the unkind words. So maybe here is an idea, don't be a cunt. Like, ever. Yeah she may be carrying a bit of extra weight or have tiny squinty eyes (I tick yes to both these things) but she is a person and she does have feelings (please substitute she for he, because I am sure that bitches get in on this action as well). It comes down to that age old lessons that our mummas taught us, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 

A Relationship could sneak up on them - no one I spoke to said that they went on to Tinder specifically to look for a relationship but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what the original reason you joined was, when Cupid is ready to aim his arrow at you, you will be powerless to stop it. These people give me hope that its not the cesspool that I imagine it to be, but I still don't know that it is enough to make me want to dip my toes into the water.  

I think Penny Lane said it best, "I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, you never get hurt, you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends." I guess I have realised that is what Tinder is all about, never taking it seriously and always having fun. Just a thought anyway...

Love and Left Swipes

Miss K

Them Tinder Tingles - Part 1

If you haven't heard about Tinder, you have probably been living under a rock. For the last couple of years, it has been the go to App for singles seeking singles. In this time, I have been a predominately single person but the idea of Tinder gives me Tingles and not the good kind. So it got me thinking, what is my apparent aversion to the app that is connecting the modern day single? I have done on line dating before and really, this is just on line dating but the easier, not so intense and you don't have to fill in one million questions to assess your compatibility with someone else, kind of on line dating. Could it be because of the stigma attached to such an app? at least when you are on line dating, the word dating appears so you can try to convince yourself that it could be something more than it is, or it could be for other reasons entirely. So here it is, the conceivable reasons why I probably will never join Tinder.

I am scared of rejection - even if it is a rejection that I will never actually know about. I will convince myself that they swiped no because my face looks like a smashed crab having sex with a dropped pie. Its the only explanation and I don't care for your reason that they may not have actually seen my profile because there are about one million other women on there. I don't have time for rational.

Its Never Actually about the sex for me - I know that its probably hard for you all to believe but I'm not good at sex and intimacy and have in fact had a few relationships break down from this. I find sex mostly stressful so why would I go out of my way to find a stranger to have sex with? Whats is the protocol even in that? Do you have this kind of conversation "Hi, my name is Kerry, one time a Kookaburra ripped my nose off, my vagina is down there, I hope you don't have a giant foreskin or a weird jap eye". Or do just get naked and hope for the best? I am awkward at the best of times... let alone when there is nudeness involved.

Tinder is full of Trolls - People go on Tinder just to abuse people or make stupid cracks, I know that its all fun and games and you need to take it with a grain of salt but sometimes people can be bastards. Why would I put myself in a situation where I am inviting people to abuse me and tell me that I'm fat and ugly (which from my research is the most common insult). 

There is too many people and too many options - I have the world at my finger tips really, I could have all these guys lining up (ambitious I know) but one thing I learnt from recruiting is that if you give yourself too many options you just get confused and don't make a decision at all. That is what I think Tinder would be like for me. Its also why I don't shop at op shops, I don't like sifting through all the junk to get to the treasure because its too overwhelming. Actually what I really need is someone else to run a Tinder for me, make a short list and let me interview the top three candidates. That sounds like something I could work with.  

Sex I can get - no wanting to toot my own horn but I got that shit if I want it. Fuck I have received two doodle shots this week and all I need is to give the word and it will be on but  I am one of those romantics that believes I deserve more than just a casual roll in the hay. I want ice cream and picnics and hand holding walks and while Tinder does have the ability to give you that, I am still not sure that I am willing to play the odds.

Its not organic -- You are judging someone based on a couple of photos and a few hasty words. I have just found out that height isn't recorded which for me is a problem. As much as I try not to be, I really am a judgemental cunt. There was a meme that I saw recently that said "What do you call a guy under 5'11? A Friend" and I'm pretty much set on that mind set. Hey, don't get me wrong, I have been proven wrong in the past and have had short guys blow me away. Recently "35, 5'7" charmed me so much that I forgot about his height all together. Life is funny like that, it also doesn't hurt that he reminded me of one of my favourite people and he had cool shoes on. So I guess what I am saying is that  not only am I judgement, I am also fickle. You can call me Shallow Hal.

I don't know that I actually like people - I am the eternal hermit. I love being by myself and spending time in my own little world cut off from everyone else. If I was to Tinder I would have to be on my phone, making awkward small talk conversation in multiple windows and it just seems like a lot of effort for really not a lot of reward. I have lots of people around me, I like those people, why do I need more people that are just after me to put their bits in my bit?

I'm Scared of seeing people I know - I don't know why I think there would be judgement in this situation as realistically it would be like the pot calling the kettle black but its still a bit awkward. Its like seeing friends at strip clubs, many years ago before my bestie was my bestie, I ran into her at the Voodoo Lounge and she was very quick to say "Oh, I don't come here often". I didn't care at all but she thought I would judge her, I guess I have the same thinking. Also whats the etiquette here? Do you swipe yes because they are your friends and you want to support them, or do you swipe no because if you were going to bang IRL you would have done it already? What if they don't swipe for you? and what if they do!!!!! See the rabbit hole that you could potentially put yourself down? that shit is stressful and I already have enough stress in my life.

 Talking is OK, but they probably expect something more - I think that I would be able to hold up my end of the deal with the witty conversations that I believe are the basis for all Tinder interactions,  because when it comes to words, I'm the shit (why else would I have this blog right?) but I have realised that Tinder is more than just talking. Its actually about meeting and mingling. Who really has time for that? who wants to go and spend time with people that they don't really know in the hope that they can get acquainted with the other persons intimate self. Plus, I am perpetually poor, I would prefer to spend what little money I have on meeting people that I actually know. What I guess I am getting at is why bother with the talking if you aren't willing to put the actions in behind it?

So there it is, all the things that crossed my mind when for that brief moment I thought about joining tinder, even if it was only just to see what it was all about.  A friend of mine posted on my Facebook wall the other day a motivation quote that said "I am not unlucky in love, I am just extremely good at being single" and she is bang on the money. When you look at it that way, why would I need Tinder? 

Love and Swipes 

Miss K  

First Dates - they are probably all Serial Killers

There are many things in life that elicit fear in humans but possibly nothing so prolific as First Dates. First dates are like the lucky dips that you get at the show, they could be great but they also have the potential to be like that toy that you don't want and accidentally leave on a park bench somewhere. Here is today's truth bomb, first dates, they are kind of a necessity. Its not really plausible to find someone that you find attractive on the street and then take them home and tell them that they belong to you now. I'm in no way saying I am up to speed on these legal things but I have a feeling there is laws definitely about that. To help you navigate the mine field that is first dates, here are some things you might like to consider...

1. Make it somewhere mutual Start a relationship off on equal footing. If you live on the other side of the country, find somewhere that is easily accessible to you both. Somewhere that you can make a quick get away if you need to as well, you know, for your safety and all.

2. Go in armed with some topics of conversation, If you have had the chance to facebook stalk them find out things that they like and research them a little bit so you can fill those otherwise awkward lulls in conversation with your knowledge. "Ohh the war of the Power Ranges. Why of course I am well versed in it". By taking an interest in what interests them, you have just made yourself 7% hotter. At least. 

3. Don't put so much pressure on yourself its just a date not your wedding day. If its good, you have a nice romantic story and if its bad you have something to write blogs about. So really either way you look at it, its all positive (Disclaimer: see point below. This part probably isn't positive)

4. Tell your friends where you are and who you are with you know cause, like there are serial killers and stuff. I don't want to hear that you became that person locked in the well rubbing the lotion on its skin so it doesn't get the hose again. Don't say that I didn't warn you

5. Do something out of the ordinary Everyone can go to a bar and get a drink... but not everyone will take you to a gaming arcade to shoot hoops. It will also give you something to talk about and something to concentrate on and there will be none of that awkward silence trying not to make eye contact while sitting across from someone at a table. Most people have a competitive streak to them, if you give them an opportunity to show that, you also give them the opportunity to show you who they really are. 

6. Wear something that is you on the everyday. What I am meaning is don't pretend to be high fashion if you are Kmart. If the date goes well, hopefully you will see them again and having to buy a whole new wardrobe can be an expensive exercise. Make an effort by all means, do your hair, put on some make up, wear your good jeans but keep you, you.

7. Don't be afraid to share tid bits about yourself, first dates are similar to job interviews. You want to make yourself stand out and show a bit of your personality. If you share, you become relateable and it can lead on to them sharing stories about themselves. I can always be known as Kerry, the girl who got her nose ripped off by a Kookaburra (That actually happened by the way. Ask my mum)

8. If its not going well, don't drag it on. You are doing both of you a favour by finishing it. Sometimes things don't work and that connecting spark got blown out by the breeze. I went on a date with an accountant once, and while I am not saying that all accountants are like this, this accountant was your stereo typical accountant and I was bored out of my brain. I let him pick me up and with in 5 minutes of being in his presence I wanted to stab myself with the highlighter that he kept in his centre console, that's how bad it was. It just got worse from there, to the point that I have blocked it out and cant even remember his name. 

9. Shave your legs and clean your house Just In case. I am not advocating sex on the first date but I am also being realistic. By being prepared you are removing some of the stress of the situation. There is nothing more awkward than bringing a guy home and telling him to entertain himself while you do a mad dash to de-hair yourself. I would put that up there with the same kind of awkward as being at your friends house while their parents are yelling at them.

10. Take yourself - then you can leave when you want, you ensure your safety and you aren't relying on someone else. I know I sound like I am paranoid but also it means that they wont know where you live. Here's Johnny!!!!!!! ring any bells to anyone? Yeah, you don't want that.

The most recent first date I had actually broke all the rules of first date dating. I had been chatting to the lad for a couple of weeks and decided that it was time for him to get out of my dreams and into my car (or something to that effect, I do understand that reference will not be as relevant for those of you that are unfamiliar with the song by Billy Ocean) so I panic asked if I could cook him dinner. As many of you know, I don't really think things through and I actually didn't expect him to say yes, but then when he did I had to commit. Not only was he going to be judging my conversation and my appearance (as is standard for all first dates) he was also going to be judging me on my cooking skills and my home decor. This was one of those times that I put more pressure on myself than was needed. I was so nervous (also read drunk) that ended up wearing most of the expensive wine that he bought over to complement my culinary offerings.He ended up seeing me again so I guess I passed the test. Funny story, while I was at the shop buying ingredients I asked the Green Grocer if he had any mangoes, he enquired to why I wanted them and when I told him I had a date, he looked me dead in the eye and said "Is he Aussie? If he good Aussie boy, you make him steak and eggs. None of this junk". Way to stereo type old stereotypical Italian Green Grocer man, way to stereo type. 

As bad as it could be, just remember it will all be over soon. In fact these dates could be the start of something amazing, with great risk comes great reward, another number of Tony Robins quotes etc etc. While the idea of living in a house with 7 cats sounds amazing (and would be amazing) I kind have my heart set on some human companions as well so will go through as many first dates as I need to, to ensure that happens. 

Love and Jitters 

Miss K  

Disclaimer:  Sometimes when you ask people on first dates, they might say no and thats ok as well. You will survive. Late last year I agonized for days (weeks) about asking this guy out. I had it all planned out, I had a great activity picked, I wrote and rewrote the corrosponding text and then got drunk to get the courage to finally push the button. His response was pretty perfect, hilarious even and I would high five anyone for it. Anyone that hadnt done it to me that is. This was his response....Good Game Guy.

BRUTAL