Rules of Engagement

There is a moment in every ones adult life that changes them, it changes the way that they move and the way that they think and the way that they engage with other people. For me this was a day a few years ago back in 2011 at a large hip hop gigs when I realised that my life was probably a bit out of control. From this night a set of rules were introduced for the safety of the people around me (and maybe for myself as well). I was reminded of these rules last night whilst being serenaded on a tram by a very good looking young man, you see being serenaded is one of those rules. No serenading, none of the time. I am going to share these rules with you, because I feel they are something that everyone should know. 

No Touching Eyes - I am of the opinion that if they didn't want people to touch them they shouldn't have made them shiny but apparently the general consensus is that you aren't allowed to do it. It takes away my element of surprise and I have had to find other new and interesting ways to make boys like me. There are of course some exceptions to this rule though, whilst out last weekend I had a very handsome bearded man go to romantically sweep my hair out of my eyes and he may have misjudged the distance and ended up poking me in the eye instead. I advised him that he wasn't allowed to touch my eyes, so I touched his eyes and we were back on level ground again and could continue on with our lives. I guess the saying an Eye for an Eye really did work in this case.

No Licking Randoms - This one didn't actually come from something that I did but we felt that it was important to put it in as a general rule for everyone just to avoid any confusion. On walking back into the dance hall (lets call it that, there was dancing in a large open spaced building) to see my friend holding a strangers leg in the air and running his tongue up it. This girl looked like she was from South of the River (or the Western Suburbs for my Melbourne compatriots) and not at all sanitary. On enquiring as to why he was doing it, his simple response was "Because everyone else was", apparently that's a thing.

No Being Serenaded - I disappeared for a long period of time, originally to take an important phone call about buying a drift car in Japan but then didn't come back for some length of time. On finally returning I was asked as to my where abouts and all I could do was giggle girlishly and explain that I had first had a private harmonica performance to which I went "yeah that was OK" and not wanting to let me down the artist proceeded to sing for me, just me, quietly up close to my ear in a large loud overcrowded establishment. The whole world melted away and I was transfixed by his crooning.  Serenading turns any girl into a gooey girly puddle and there is no time for that. None at all. There is shit to do and beer to drink and that dopey in love smile has no place in important business. 

The Seedy Age - Not just a suggestion but more a necessity, I have written about it before but it appears that I am cat nip for juvies, most of the time they come after me and who am I to say no? the older I get the worse it gets so the Seedy rule was brought in. The pretence of this rule is that you can engage with a guy that is half your age + seven and you aren't a creep. So with a bit of simple maths (30/2+7=22) we can ascertain that if they are under 22 I need to leave them to someone of their own age bracket or someone that doesn't have morals. I am now in the habit of asking to see guys wallets, just to check for myself, you just cant be too careful these days. 

No Eating Randoms Food - If someone is holding food, that means that it is theirs. Possession is 9/10ths of the law or something equally cliche like that. I have a feeling that this might have been the first night that I decided it was OK to eat someone elses food. This is probably the rule that I find the hardest to keep. As with the eye thing, if people didn't want you to touch it they shouldn't make them look so good. I am only human after all and my dad always told me that it was important to share my toys (toys/food/bed etc), some people may forget this rule so I find it important to remind them. Actions speak louder than words don't they so I am actioning them into change. 

No Interaction with Famous People - If I ever had a filter it is most certainly broken and because of this its important that I don't go near people who have any influence in the things that I like. In one night I managed to Motorboat a DJs shirt whilst yelling "I love fake titties", push over a very well known DJ because he was playing around and not letting me into the toilet, tell a highly prolific MC that he was uneducated (which he laughed and agreed with because he only went to year 11) and photo bomb every single photo of famous people that I could find. If there was a naughty corner I would have most certainly been in it on that night. Maybe I am like a little puppy, the more attention you give me the more destructive I get until I tire myself out and need a nap? Maybe. 

Eating is NOT Cheating - I know the saying goes that eating is cheating but really that's a very juvenile way to view drinking outings. Give yourself a good base to start with and its a better time for everyone and if the worst does happen and you lose your lunch, at least you will have some lunch to lose. I somehow feel deep within my soul that if we had have followed this rule on that evening none of the above rules would have need to have been drawn. 

At the end of the day these rules are here for the safety of the world, but don't they say that rules are meant to be  broken? I don't think I would have had half the experiences or half of the random events if I had have stuck to life by the letter of the law. Maybe these are just guides to better living and situationally dependant. I cant promise that I will be perfect but at least I am going to try (unless he has a beard, then I will probably break all of those rules just to get my hands on it, Literally)

Love and Laws 

Miss K 

Say Whaaaaat?

Its something that we are all guilty of and if you say that you don't do it I am going to call Bullshit. No I am not talking about picking our noses (but that too is something that everyone does as well), I am talking about eaves dropping. Whether it be to find out if you are getting into trouble when your bosses are whispering or listening to the people sitting in front of you on the tram talking of their sordid sex life, we all do it. Whilst most  of the tidbits we over hear aren't really anything exciting, there are sometimes pearlers that make us go "Ummm, Say What??". This is a blog dedicated to them.

"He needs to go fishing, but not fishing with me. Fishing with a Man, if you know what I mean?" - Elderly Receptionist. Ummm no, I don't know what you mean. Is this code for your husband is gay and needs to go out and be gay with fish? Or is going fishing similar to when your parents tell you that your pet dog went to the farm?

"You should just take two, pills these days are shit" - Two crackies on a lunch time bus in the Western Suburbs of Melbourne. I cant say that I disagree with this statement but I also believe that there is a time and a place for everything. A bus full of the elderly on the way to do their pension day shopping probably isn't the place. Damn Crackies. 

"We should mark in our diary when we have sex" - 15 year olds in Geography Class. I was a religious dork 15 year old with bad acne and I judged, I'm not even gonna lie. One of these 15 year olds went on to have a child at 16, at least it was easy to trace back to when the conception was. 

"Ive got to figure out what to do with this cock" - Lady walking into a female toilet. Lovely, maybe you are in the wrong toilet and as a middle aged "something" I would hope that you would know what to do with it by this stage. There is the internet after all, how do you think I got so good with the cock.

"So I was totally eating some chic out on the dance floor" - Young lad on the tram. How is this even a thing??!!???? Did he get down on all fours and go to town? I just don't understand the mechanics of it. I did once see some people having sex in Club A in Scarborough, but that's a bit different. 

"I am pretty sure that I didn't have anal sex on the weekend, I cant figure out why my arse is leaking" - Girl at the movies. Doctor Google can help you, but without googling it I can tell you that you have cancer. Its always Cancer. Or Aids of the arse. That's totally a thing. 

"My Hymen could never grow back, I masturbate too often" - Lady in a car park. Apparently if you dont have sex for 6 months you become revirginated, clearly this lady knows whats the go is. 

"Having teeth is great" - Westrac Diesel Fitter. Well yes, you are correct they are.I like to use mine for masticating, making my smile beautiful and biting unsuspecting mens necks. I wonder what he uses his for? 

"Omg! Did you hear about that horse at the Melbourne Cup? It died during the race so they green screened him, like, they just photo shopped him out of the race so people didn't get upset" - Girl on the Train. I think she doesn't really understand the meaning of the green screen, but I guess its a nice naive way to think about things. When I worked at the Greyhounds they would talk about the blue dream, so to me the dogs weren't dying they were just going to play on a farm where everything was blue. 

"My shit is bigger than my dick" - Fellow in a toilet. I would say this one is impressive but it could all be comparative to the size of his pecker. If Dirk Diggler said this, well by golly. I have actually done some poops that I am astronomically proud of, damn me for never taking my phone to the toilet with me

I would like to think that I could contribute to the worlds list of "What the fuck did she just say?", its something that I strive for daily. We all need to have ambitions. Just remember, you may not say weird things very often but you can guarantee when you do, someone is going to be there to hear it. You could be Facebook Famous and you don't even know it. 

Love and Lisps

Miss K

P.S That one about the Hymen, that was totally me. It was a comment I was proud of but I just couldn't come right out and say that I said it. I do have some dignity you know. And really if you cant love yourself no one else will love you. I am in store for a WHOOOLLLLEEEEE lot of love if this is the theory that we are going on. 

Tips for Teenagers from a T-Rex

I had a dream the other night about a book that I wrote called "Tips for Teenagers from a T-Rex" and in this dream this book made me millions so I thought I would run with it. If you had the opportunity to go back in time and tell your teenage self tips for life, what would they be? What lessons in life have you learnt that you wish you had have known earlier? And really if we were to go back in time to tell ourselves these things would we listen? Teenagers are known to be insolent moody creatures who feel they know better than anyone else so it would probably fall on deaf ears but here are the tips I would have a crack at telling myself.

Cow Print, the fluffy type, should probably be left to the cows. Back in 2000 I was the proud owner of a cow print pencil skirt which I wore with a black skivvy (fucking what?) and looking back it probably was not the greatest fashion statement that I ever made. It may be why I don't do animal print now. Don't follow trends and stay true to the classics of fashion. This stuff doesn't age and you wont look back at photos of yourself and go What the fuck was a I thinking.  

Go to more parties - like legit, I didn't even go to my after ball (I think you East Coast kids call them formals or debs). I missed out on so many unique teenage experiences because I devoted all my time and energy into the church and they seemingly were the fun police. Live a little, you've got your whole life for keeping quiet. 

Save More Spend Less -  I keep trying to tell my adult self this one as well but saving money is a good idea to allow you to do things, travel places and just be more grown up. To me money is like water, it just slips straight through my fingers. Teenage self, get a bucket.

Travel - The world is your oyster, work this in conjunction with the savings. Use your savings to go exploring, there is sooooo much in the world that I want to see and if I had have started younger there would be more of a chance that I would get to see it all. Adult life creeps up on you very quickly and houses and careers and the feeling of responsibility can put a dampener on travel plans you may have. 

Don't put off calls you can make today - back in the days before mobile phones and texting (yes I know, that's a stretch to remember) you needed to actually pick up the phone and call people. You had to be at your house and make the time to do it and I seemingly wasn't good at  this. I didn't get to speak to my dad properly before he died because I just kept putting off calling him because I had more important things to do thinking that it would be OK to wait for a few more days. Waiting may have caused one of the biggest regrets of my life.  

Spend more time studying and less time on MSN/ICQ/Internet Chat Rooms, those Internet boys are probably not what their photos look like and you are just in for a world of awkward.You are a smart girl and you can excel at school if you put your mind too it, so maybe put your mind to it.

You will only regret the things you didn't do, so do it. ALL OF IT. I really wish that I had have known this one when I was young, it is the way that I live my life now but back then, not so much. I made the decision to make 2011 the year of the random and have continued following through with it until this day. Try everything, go out, make the time, enjoy. You never know who you will meet and where the road will take you. That's exciting. When I moved to Melbourne my Nan told me that she was proud that I was taking a different path because you never know how long you have left and you need to try these things. I love my Nan so much and I am trying to live a life that she would be proud of.  

I threw it out to my Peanut Gallery and here are their tips for their younger selves (with my thoughts added)

Disregard women, there will be time for pounding later / Lower your standards and bang any chic that's willing / Use Condoms - really I have nothing to say on this one. This one is really a personal preference. For me I was happy to only sleep with the people that I did because it meant that my encounters actually meant something. Use Condoms though, this one is very important. Teenage pregnancies have the potential to ruin your life and turn you into lower class scum and you want the opportunity to have an amazing life. Of course that doesn't always happen and there are exceptions to every rule.  A friend of mine had a kid at 15 and she is probably one of the biggest inspirations in all that she has achieved and what she turned her life into. She now has an amazing 15 year old that any parent would be proud of. You rock Em, I respect you so much for what you have done so far and I know you will keep doing amazing things. 

Stay Away from Woodstock Bourbon - or Wipe Out or goon bags, or really any cheap nasty booze. The tendency of teenagers to get drunk because its fun isn't a good one. Life should be about quality not quantity. Oh how I wish I could take back the days of drinking Emu Export with Passion Pop (yes you read that correctly, Drink half a can of beer, fill it with Passion Pop and viola, you have yourself some lethal confused concoction that wont be nice in the morning)

Don't Fall in love with sluts - Sluts are well, sluts and do slutty things. They will treat you badly, break your confidence in women and leave you jaded when they move onto the next shiny toy who can give them what ever it is that they are needing at the time. Spot a Slut, avoid at all costs. And remember generally once a slut always a slut. You are great but she isn't going to change her ways just for you so leave her to destroy someone else.  

Avoid Cars, Acquire property - cars are money sucking black holes that you wont get any return on. If you do feel the need to have a car addiction get the property addiction first and then use your equity to acquire the cars. Best of both worlds maybe?

Its OK to wear glasses - in 15 years people will be rocking glasses with no lenses because its that cool. You just peaked early. Congratulations you little trend setter you. 

Stick up for myself - at the end of the day you are who you are and you need to say a big up yours to anyone that tries to make you anything else. 

But really would I tell myself any of these things, because all of these things happened to bring me to where I am now and the person that I have become. For good or bad I am pretty proud of  the adult that I have turned into (I am still undecided if that has actually happened though). They say 30 is the new 20 so maybe I am being given the chance to take back a bit of my teenage self and live the life I want. That's a pretty cool thought. I may not be a teen anymore, but I can buy booze, drive a car and my boobs are still perky so there is really nothing stopping me from pretending is there? 

Love and Life Lessons 

Miss K  

My Over Active Imagination says....

As a child I could always think of amazing stories and amazing games to play by myself and was often told that I had a great imagination (this might have helped me with adventures in my adult life as well, mainly this little adventure that I call blog writing). The world of my over active imagination didn't stop as a child and still runs rampant today, like just before I was walking past my neighbours house and heard noises which conjured all sorts of disturbing images in my head. Is it normal to have these strangely inaccurate musings on life?

Strangers in the Window – My child hood house had a danger fraught route to the toilet in  the after dark hours. To get to the facilities you had to walk through the kitchen with its giant window that looked out into the dark dark back yard. I was always convinced that there were people watching me through the windows so would avoid going to the toilet just so they wouldn't be able to get me. I will disturbingly admit to having peed in the bath a few times because the route to the bathroom wasn't so treacherous and didn't involve going through the kitchen. Judge as you might at least I didn't pee in the bed or in a cupboard like I have heard other people doing (even as adults)

Excessive Package Deliveries – The house across the road from mine gets a lot of packages, like I mean the DHL man comes every morning. Either this person likes online shopping or they are in fact drug dealers and their latest shipments are being delivered under the disguise of the DHL. Of course it is the drugs, we live in a nice area and they have a HUGE house and a BMW. Where else would all that money be coming from?

It hides in the darkness – when its dark that’s where the serial killers hide. They just sit in the bush and wait for you to walk/drive/helicopter past them and then they jump out and steal your soul. They can run really quickly (like quick enough to liquid metal onto the back of your car) and they will fuck you up no questions asked. I spent my teenage years living in a house in the Perth Hills that was close to a national park. In this national park there was a train tunnel that was no longer used and on walks through the tunnel  I always used to think that there would be people in there waiting to grab me or that the baddies had already been there and dumped their prior victims in the tunnel because it was so dark and they would never be found, heck if I was going to Murder someone that’s probably where I would put them (if anyone winds up dead in the tunnel, I live in Melbourne now, it wasn't me)

Vibrations through the Wall -  I live in an apartment as most trendy hipster inner city kids do and part of living in an apartment is hearing the noises that come through the wall and if my hearing is correct my next door neighbour has a giant vibrator that she uses EVERY night. Really what else could it be, who uses a blender and/or food processor every night. She does have a very good looking boyfriend and sometimes the noise is going when he isn’t home. He must be unsatisfactory between the sheets. Don’t worry sister I know how that is. This isn’t actually the first time that I have thought this whilst being in close living confines. On walking downstairs in my first Brunswick share house I heard a noise that was distinctly vibrator like, I was awkward and embarrassed for the inhabitant of bedroom one, well you can imagine my relief when she appeared brandishing not a vibrator but an electric shaver. Turns out that they make the same noise. Who knew.

Cat Carriers – If there is a bag in the middle of the road, be it a grubby pillowcase or a paper Maccas bag, there is cats inside it. Poor little baby cats that weren't wanted and someone put them in the bad to dispose of them. If they leave them in the road and someone runs over them its not their fault is it? YES IT IS. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CATS IN BAGS. It started off as a fear and then when I got a car low enough that hitting anything would destroy everything it turned into a real phobia. I think it stems from someone telling me that they drowned kittens in pillowcases. Get your cats fixed, this is a much better alternative than what comes to my mind.

Bodies in the Bowl – I only put the toilet seat down in public toilets when I have done something that I would like to cover up or a smell that I would like to entrap. It only goes without saying that everyone else lowers the seat for the same reason. This is the main reason that if I go to a communal toilet and the seat is down I will go to another toilet just so I don’t have to lift the lid. Under the lid there is probably very likely to be a new born baby, a severed hand or a kitten (again with the kittens). Do me a favour, leave the seat up, even if you did leave skiddies, at least then I know what I am getting myself in for.

Its all about me – when people are talking and whispering, they are talking and whispering about me. ALWAYS, all of the time. When there is a meeting between bosses, I am the main topic of conversation. Call it guilty conscious possibly even though my rational mind knows that I haven’t done anything that would warrant these conversations and on the scale of bad I probably don’t even register. This probably comes from being bullied as a child, when people were actually talking about me. Or it may come from my inflated sense of self worth, why would they want to talk about anything else, I AM the most interesting thing out there and did you see my recent facebook post? I would probably talk about me too. And thanks I did know how amazing my hair looks today, it was nice of you to notice.

We all have the little things that cloud our minds and our judgement, the people hiding under the bed, the snakes in the closet and that tiny midget that is sitting on our back seat waiting to kill us. I suggest that you take your inner most imaginations and use it for creative pursuits. It has seemingly been beneficial to me

Love and Thought Bubbles

Miss K