Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Ways to Fck up Important Situations

Whilst being the life of the party recently (translated, sharing witty anecdotes about myself to anyone that would listen)  it came to my attention that I have an uncanny knack of making important situations into hilarious disasters but really, I look at it as being a great way to break the ice. Important situations need an injection of fun as well right? And maybe also an element of apology. So here they are, my admissions and my apologies 

One of my first jobs when I was younger was working at the Greyhounds, I was there for about 5 years and ended up being a supervisor towards the end (good things come to those who work hard, or suck up maybe?) and on this one evening after a extremely large race it was my job to drive one of Australia's dogs and his trainer to the airport so they could head on their merry way home. This dog had preformed extremely well so as a reward I was asked to stop into McDonald's so that its owner could treat it with a soft serve and a cheeseburger (I shit you not) and then disaster struck.. 

I had only been driving for a few years and had never driven an Automatic. I was given a work issue Wagon and away we went. After collecting our food I went to pull out into traffic and had to brake before moving off so as procedure states I put my foot on the "Clutch" and the Brake to bring the car to a halt (clearly for those in the know Automatics don't have clutches). We stopped very sharply and the poor little pooch that had been happily sitting on the back seat came flying through the front seats and promptly smashed his little face into the windscreen. I have deduced that in my effort to touch both the brake and the imaginary clutch, both my feet contacted the brake pedal causing the car to lurch suddenly. I was mortified and immensely apologetic, I was certain that I had hurt the dog but thankfully he just wagged his tail and looked at me happily (thankfully Greyhounds are the happiest dogs on the planet) and his owner laughed. We got to the airport without further incident and I have never been so happy to get something out of my car then at that moment. I never followed the dogs career after that... I wonder how he went. 

Mr Greyhound Dog, I apologise for smashing your face into the Windscreen and potentially ruining your racing career

I was looking at changing jobs because I was getting a bit sick of mine so decided to go in and visit a recruitment agent to get some further career advise. The day of the interview rolled around, I had on my best work suit and was primped and preened ready to go. I some how managed to break my thumb nail (I had acrylic nails at the time) and didn't have time to go and get it repaired. I had a brainwave and thought I would sneakily glue it back on with super glue to get me through the interview looking presentable. This is a brilliant fool proof plan and I have done it many times since, but then disaster struck...

I rocked up for my interview and all was going well, we shook hands, we went through my resume and had a lovely old chat about the future of my working life. As our chat was drawing to a close we got up to leave the room and on going to push the chair in my nail got caught on the back of the chair and snapped. This in itself wouldn't have been so bad if the now broken nail hadn't snapped off with such force that it got air born and hit the consultant in the face. I was mortified and wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. The consultant was very good about it, she picked it up and handed the broken bit back to me and showed me the door. Funnily enough I never ended up getting a job through them, I cant figure out why though. 

Miss Interview Consultant Lady, I am sorry for flicking my acrylic nail into your face whilst trying to impress you. I forgive you for not getting me a job 

A few years ago I was seeing this guy for a few months (if you can really call it that), we had been friends for years and some how managed to hook up (even though I had told myself I wouldn't sleep with him). It was just one of those easy agreements where we would hook up every now and again, hang out and just be cool with each other. This arrangement ended when I met the army brat and we were both cool with this because we knew the score so neither of us were overly affected by it. After the break up with the army brat I decided that it might be important to get back on the "horse" so to say. For comfort reasons I gave my old mate a call to see if he wanted to go out for dinner. We ended up wining and dining and heading back to his house. I remember saying to him that I might cry but he laughed off my warning. But then disaster struck...

We had fallen asleep briefly and on waking up we started kissing and one thing moved onto another, inside my head I was filled with a deeply anguished burning pain but kept telling myself that I needed to do this in order to get over the Brat. I keep reciting to myself "you are ok, you can do this, you are ok, you can do this", but sadly this didn't really have the affect that I had wanted. The Boy remarked to me that I could smile a bit and that was the end of it, whilst he was still "connected" to me I started to cry. And I am ashamed to say that it wasn't just a little cry but uncontrollable crying. I chocked out "just keep going, I'm fine" but understandably he decided he wasn't up for it and stopped. I sat in his shower for about half an hour afterwards crying my heart out and when I got out we made a deal to never sleep together again and I can announce that we have stuck to it. 

Mr Man, I am sorry that I damaged your man hood by crying uncontrollably while we were having intimate relations. I promise to never flash my vagina at you again 

My mother is an artist and as such does lots of craft fairs and markets to pedal her wares. While I lived in Perth I helped her out at the bigger shows because whilst I could not actually walk the walk I sure as hell was good at talking the talk. One of the biggest shows that we do is the UpMarket which is at Winthrop Hall at UWA (you should all look it up and head along to it if you get the chance. They are awesome markets and have delicious foods). This one day, it was busy and I was under the weather. I had a lovely little cough burgeoning inside my chest which felt the need to escape at regular intervals. I would always excuse myself, turn around and cough and then go back to my serving. This was all working like clock work until a nice lady asked me if I was ok. And then disaster struck...

There is a very well respected women doctor in the suburbs around my old house that has a waiting list as long as my arm and who doesn't take new patients very often. I was lucky enough to get a registration and score an appointment with her to go and get my lady needs tendered to. This turned out to be the lady that had enquired as to my health. When she asked me if I was ok, I laughed and replied in my usual joking fashion "yes, yes I'm fine, just a nasty case of the herpes". She got a shocked look on her face and smiled awkwardly and walked off. It was when she had gone that my mum told me who she was. I was mortified, I had an appointment with her that week so she could tender my garden!!!! and I had just jokingly told her that I had herpes. I ended up cancelling my appointment and going to see another doctor. Whilst I didn't have herpes (and still don't) my Garden was so embarrassed that it just couldn't show its face to her. 

Mrs Lady Parts Doctor, I am sorry I made a joke about having herpes which caused me to cancel my appointment with you. I hope you didn't have any difficulty in filling my spot 

Through the use of hilarity and embarrassment, life has taught me lessons
1. There are no clutches in Automatic Cars 
2. Glueing your broken fake nail back together isnt a pearler of an idea 
3. Crying during sex is a real downer ( in more ways than one) 

and finally 

4. Jokes about Herpes, may not actually be fully 

She is a cruel mistress this thing called experience 

Love and Herp-d-herps 

Miss K 

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