Saturday, 10 November 2012

No Food is safe....

I have long thought that my parents didn't feed me when I was young because I always get so excited about food, and not just a little excited but excited to the point that every thought I have revolves around food and what I am going to put in my mouth next. This has forced me to come to realise something \and I am sure it is something that other people knew previously but its maybe taken me a bit longer to catch on (but if I am honest I guess I always had my suspicions). Drunk Kerry is a bad person, Drunk Kerry takes things that aren't hers and Drunk Kerry eats other peoples food straight out of their hands. How did this happen? When did I become this way? If it was an isolated incident then maybe I can forgive myself but its happens more often than is normal. Is there a rehab for serial food eaters? So here they are,  the good, the bad and the delicious

Clear white Liquid
The first incident of culinary ninjaring that I can remember happened outside of Australian Waters so possibly may not even count, it was around 3am on a busy Japanese Club street in Roppongi, I was walking between clubs and stumbled upon a group of guys standing out the front of a Familymart with Bowls of clear soup with "bits" in it. Like a curious puppy Drunk Kerry wandered up to them and enquired as to what they were eating. On being told, Drunk Kerry took the chop sticks from the mans hand and helped myself to some white tube thing that was floating in his soup. All three of the guys laughed, I handed back my chopsticks and kept walking. I don't think they knew what hit them and I certainly cant remember what it was that I ate (or if I liked it)

Roads Closed Pizza Boy
Pizza and Kebabs are normal drunken peoples choice food (or maybe its not choice but more so convenience) and this is great, because Drunken Kerry likes these things as well. Possibly not to eat all on her own but she is more than willing to share other peoples. On walking from The Deen to Voodoo Lounge one night I spied a Gentleman standing out the front of one of the late night Pizza shops with a delicious looking pizza in his hand. Drunk Kerry remarked "Pizza", he held it out in my direction so naturally I went to it, opened my mouth and took a bite. Apparently he had been trying to pull it back towards himself but I didn't want him to feel ashamed for being an Indian giver so I stayed committed to the cause. 

Dumplings to you Explode?
I met a Swedish guy the other night at a Melbourne Bar by the name of Victor, he was new to town and we chatted for a while. After many beers we decided that we were hungry and I suggest that we headed to the All You Can Eat Dumpling house next door from the bar. We sat down amd were the told the terrible news that you needed at least three people before you could have the all you can eat. My poor little heart sunk as I begrudgingly ordered off the menu and we waited for our food to come out. As you can imagine, it was hard going for me especially seeing everyone else getting the all you can eat dumplings and me having only a meagre 4 choices. Drunk Kerry would not stand for this. It just so happened that the table next to us was occupied by three young lads who were happily indulging in all you can eat Dumplings and talking of Politics. Luckily Drunken Kerry knows politics so on joining in their conversation I then started to help myself to their food. I managed to acquire a few things before they noticed, they laughed at my tenacity and we cheersed with our Spring Rolls (or theirs, it was actually all theirs). 

You want fries with that?
Probably the most recent bout of Food "Sharing" happened last Friday night after exiting the Bridge Hotel in Richmond. Drunk Kerry wanted a servo pie but was told that this would be a bad idea and Maccas would be better. Drunk Kerry got a lamb wrap of her own but was not satisfied by this and saw a man sitting with a cheeseburger. Drunk Kerry loves cheeseburgers so she sauntered over to the gentleman, bent down and took a bite out of his burger before standing up, cheekily wiping the sauce from her mouth while holding his eye contact (and if I am honest, he pulled out another cheese burger so I went back for round two. I did share my snakes with him though so it all comes out in the wash)

Its funny how all that drunken Kerry's thinks about is food (with a second thought to men) because one of Drunk Kerry's other favourite tricks is not eating. So this is the way it normally goes down, Drunk Kerry is starving, she knows exactly what she wants (generally Uncle Billies Chinese) and she must be taken there no matter at what costs. On arriving she will order one of each of her favourite dishes (Sang Far Chicken, Fish and Snow Peas, Chili Pepper Squid, Mixed Vegetables and steamed rice) and impatiently sit around until the food Comes. On the food arriving she will have two mouthfuls and proudly declare that she is full. Drunken Kerry is lucky that she has a drunken Best friend that puts up with this and will eat her share. 

I was just chatting with my house mate and she said that whilst Drunk Kerry's habits are a little bit strange its not all that bad because Drunken Kerry always make sure that she shares what she has as well. I guess you could call me Jesus, I break the bread to feed the hordes (or the fat chic at Maccas who took the most giant Bite out of my Lamb Wrap). As I said back in my first post all those months ago, life is about the people that you meet, and I sure as hell wouldn't meet as many people if they didn't have food that I wanted to eat. So maybe Drunk Kerry isn't so bad after all. You have been giving fair warning, if you have food and drunk Kerry is around, no one is safe.

I guess it just goes to show, with a bit of commitment anything can be possible. The common thread through all of this is the food and the eye contact. People aren't expecting it so if you keep eye contact with them the whole time, its more acceptable. Right? 

Love and Mastication 

Miss K 

P.S Mastication means chewing you filthy sicko

P.P.S I shall suggest that you pick your bites wisely friends, these things can really go either way. Some people may get cross at you helping yourself to their food so look for the crazy in their eye before you open your mouth

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